What does punishment mean to me? I’ve never been in an established, healthy D/s relationship employing agreed upon consequences within established limits. I’ve certainly been punished by abusers and have zero interest in reliving any of that. When I was struggling so badly last winter I spent months living as a part-time slave to a Dom I met online, using extremes to escape into subspace…talking about and at times actually doing things I’d never even imagined before. I don’t remember exactly how it ended, but I finally said ‘no’ to something, set a boundary, and this guy ignored it. We’d never talked about limits or boundaries other than him telling me I shouldn’t have any, and given my mindset at the time and desire to live as a slave, an object rather than the pain of being a PERSON, I didn’t really try to set any. So when I finally drew a line and he crossed it I was extremely pissed off. He said I wasn’t every allowed to be angry at him so I told him this would never work as I’d never relinquish my right to feel my feelings, whatever they are, to him. He didn’t even bother to respond when I sent that message. I was really struggling with panic attacks getting out of control last year and the extremely deep subspace slavery allowed me to access was a powerful coping mechanism.
I get how unhealthy what I was doing was, and that finally ending it was the best thing for me – I’ve never doubted that decision or had any regret. In a lot of ways, living as a slave was everything I’d ever imagined; at times it even frightened me that I was able to sink to depths beyond anything I’d ever imagined and did so willingly and gratefully. It’s scary how much relief I found in surrendering my humanity, my individuality, my rights, my dignity…I gave everything he wanted right up until he wanted to rob me of my emotional freedom. And I craved more. I used to think I didn’t want to live as a slave, that it would be too much for me, too demanding, require giving up more than I’d want. It was the opposite actually – it’s so much easier to give up *everything* than it is to have a balanced relationship full of communication, negotiation, limits, boundaries. All of the things I have with Mr. Trustworthy that take effort, practice, commitment. Simply sacrificing ones entire individuality and autonomy, handing over absolute power over one’s self was frighteningly easy…not having to think for any reason, obey and nothing more, nothing less, gave an escape unlike any I’d ever had before. An unhealthy escape.
I’m not looking to use punishment as an escape now, I crave it as a way to reinforce my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy. As I said, I’m not testing him on purpose, but I can’t deny that I did test him. Which is ridiculous because I’ve tested him a bunch in the past always with the same result – never any punishment, no matter what I do. I’m not actually sure if I ever told him how badly I crave punishment, I probably didn’t until it came up again recently and he once again failed to fulfill this particular desire. On the one hand, what we have is GREAT and it’s been working extremely well for quite some time. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to break through some of my own issues and as we balance on these shifting sands, I fear this pain point could potentially hold us back in the continued growth of our relationship and evolution of our D/s…my submissive needs simply can’t be fulfilled if there are never any consequences for disobedience. Particularly when I disobey on something I’ve agreed to as happened recently when I orgasmed without permission after requesting Mr. Trustworthy deny me when I was masturbating rather than only when we’re together in person. The problem is, without consequences the control feels fake for me. If I can disobey my Dom without punishment why should I listen in the first place? I guess as outrageous as it feels to say this, it feels as though he hasn’t earned and may not deserve my submission if he won’t exert appropriate control consistently.
As best I can tell, this means that, for me, punishment feels like an integral part of submitting and being told I’d be punished and then having him never follow through felt like him letting me down in our D/s relationship…in a way the message that communicated to me was that I can’t trust what he says and perhaps even that I’m not important enough to be worth the effort of correcting misbehavior, he just doesn’t care that much. Trust is a journey, a living, breathing thing. I’ve come a very long way in learning and being willing to trust Mr. Trustworthy, having seen for myself that aside from mentions of punishment, I CAN trust his word and what he tells me. And in every other way he is truly phenomenal at showing me how deeply he cares. Which means it isn’t that he is an untrustworthy person, just that he isn’t a reliable Dom. I don’t think he understands the inherent fragility while building a D/s relationship, establishing and reinforcing the level of trust necessary to do it in a healthy way. How critical it is for the sub to be able to rely on you, whatever they may need due to D/s play. Back when this came up more frequently I didn’t know how to explain it to him so I just accepted that he wouldn’t punish me and tried to be okay with it – apparently I never got there. I hope working my way through this here will help him be able to understand or at least help me figure out where to start so he and I can have a productive conversation on the topic of punishment in our relationship.
1/20/23
So after your punishment for cumming last night I get to taste you
You’re sounding rather confident
Haven’t used my belt in a long time, it’s time
Haha that won’t work as a punishment love, I’m a masochist and I always take as much as I can before tapping out
Tho I’m not at all opposed to you making use of your belt 😆
Pain is provincial. Real control exists in the mind
It will when you’re sitting in the corner wanting it
Lol…warmer
I can explain what punishment means to me and once you better understand we can go from there 🙂
💙🥰💋
Lol…..
Not like you took a flogger to me after me saying I’m a masochist and we jumped in without more context right?
Right
I’m not a good bad guy…lol
…and that’s as far as the conversation went at the time. I sent Mr. Trustworthy the link to my last post ‘Testing, Testing…1, 2, 3…’ indirectly trying to explain that being punished would allow me to release the guilt I feel for being disobedient; how it would affirm his love for me and make me feel WANTED and fully *accepted*. I believe I was wholly inadequate in my endeavor to explain why I crave punishment, but I did admit I want it more than just about anything. While I always assumed feeling the need to be punished was outlandish, it now occurs to me that it’s much like kids, they crave boundaries and when one is crossed, a correction is called for…kids learn we care when we provide structure and consequences. This actually reinforces and strengthens the relationship, whereas ignoring misdeeds puts more and more space between those individuals, erodes trust and send the message one doesn’t care. How interesting, after all these years, to suddenly see my desire to be punished in this light. Maybe this new perspective will help me explain it to Mr. Trustworthy!?…although comparing the roles in our D/s relationship to a parent/child relationship makes me squirm uncomfortably just thinking about it…ugh!
Regardless, his mind went straight to impact toys at the idea of punishment, unsurprisingly. This provides difficulties as we don’t do a ton of impact play these days so it’s definitely a treat when we do and as a masochist I enjoy the pain and discomfort and actively get off on it, so that’s not a punishment. His suggesting of making me sit in the corner was definitely on the right track, but he doesn’t realize that the absolute harshest punishment he could ever give me would be denying me his attention and the limits on our time together would serve to exacerbate the severity – one orgasm after being forbidden is hardly a severe enough transgression to warrant such extremely harsh punishment. I wish I’d said something along those lines rather than just saying ‘Lol…warmer’ but progress not perfection! Lol. My hope is that I can give him formulas and either he or we together can use them to craft punishments somewhere in the middle of these two opposite ends of the spectrum…I’m thinking first choice: me suffering in a way that he actively enjoys; second choice: me suffering in a way he doesn’t enjoy but with which he is still comfortable.
The thing about the order in which I prioritize those is interesting to consider – perhaps even a paradox. If this revolved around ME the order would be reversed because him making me suffer in a way which he does not enjoy is him actively making a sacrifice in order to punish me, providing that much extra demonstration of his commitment to and care for me while absolving me of my misdeeds. Instead I believed my focus revolves around HIM so the option which allows me to provide pleasure to HIM takes the top spot. Then again, as a submissive my deepest desire is to please him, so maybe what it really is is more of a scale of degree of severity rather than priority because if it’s hierarchical choosing the option in which I get to provide him with pleasure is giving me what I want most when this is supposed to be a punishment…confusing much!? Lol. So yes, I no longer thing it’s a choice #1 & choice #2, it’s a scale. I always assumed if/when we have a discussion about punishments we’d come up with numerous ideas we could both agree on, and some would fall into one of those categories while others fell in the second category. I also knew the severity of the ideas for punishments would vary, it just hadn’t occurred to me before that these two considerations are directly linked! That actually makes the idea of using punishments which he does not actively enjoy much easier for me to accept #winning
So, what punishment means to me is that I am suffering; I’m doing something I genuinely don’t want to do, or not doing something I do want to do, far past the point at which I’d make a different choice under other circumstances. My masochism allows me to turn physical pain in to pleasure, so impact play would be tough. I’m sure there are instruments I’d not enjoy, especially anything particularly stingy, but there’s still a solid chance I’d be able to enjoy even that pain in a sensation I dislike. He could use impact play on parts of my body I don’t like, but given my fragile health I believe this would also be problematic in addition to the same issue as the prior idea. No, my punishments need to be about discomfort rather than direct physical pain. I always think how terrible it would be if he were to ask me how I think I should be punished, but actually I think that fear would disappear if we had a conversation to establish acceptable means of punishment and discussed how severely each method would be received. I wouldn’t have to fear naming a punishment that horrified him. As a result of his having said he’d punish me quite a few times and never following through I’ve become extremely insecure about these desires and terrified I’ll finally scare him off. In my head I KNOW he won’t abandon me, but I haven’t been able to overcome the feelings on this particular topic…I hope finally facing this conversation with him will resolve that 🙂
Punishment is a complex topic and necessitates an extremely individualized approach in my opinion. I want Mr. Trustworthy to be disappointed when I disobey him, both because he’s used to me being a good girl AND because he simply expects me to follow his orders because I’m the submissive and he’s the Dom. I want him to care enough to be at least a little upset if/when I disobey and I want him to care enough to go to the effort of punishing me, showing me that I’m still his even though I was bad, giving ME the chance to show him my genuine regret and desire to do BETTER. I want him to tell me what my punishment will be and make me verbally agree to the punishment…hell I kinda want him to make me verbally agree to all of his orders 😛 I’m attracted to the clarity and in a way even additional commitment involved by not just quietly accepting an order but by actively participating in the agreement that one will follow the order before even beginning to take action…really makes it tough to try and back out after hearing yourself agree out loud! Oh, the magic of active vs. passive consent 😉
I also believe sorting this out will benefit the switch side we’ve begun to explore, because I guarantee you there would be consequences if he disobeyed one of MY orders, and I suppose there’s fear on my end that he’d resent me because he never punishes me no matter what I do but I punish HIM for even the slightest transgression…how is that fair!? It’s not, and in this case it’s not the unfair-in-serving-a-purpose type of unfair that can be an incredibly useful tool in D/s but rather the bad for relationships type. If he doesn’t understand punishment enough to provide it for me, how will he really react when I expect HIM to endure a punishment? My instincts say not well, not well at all…SO. Figuring this out together will be good on many fronts. I hope I’ll be better equipped to explain than I have been in the past as well as more honest and open on this topic in general rather than continuing to hide from the conversation in fear. Wish us luck!
Not super long ago Mr. Trustworthy and I were sexting and I was masturbating, telling him how close I was as I edged myself as long as possible. I was absolutely desperate for him to order me not to cum, something he’d only ever done in person. But I couldn’t help wanting him to take far more control over my orgasms, so I told him soon after how badly I’d wanted him to order me not to cum as I told him how close I was…he told me the thought of doing so had crossed his mind! I was super excited as I figured he’d be open to doing it to please me but if he’d thought of it on his own, he’d actually be doing it for HIMSELF which is a far greater turn on for me 😀
We’ve talked for a very long time about me masturbating on video for him sometime when he’s out of town for work, but I was extremely hesitant about actually *doing* it…I liked the idea but the reality felt too vulnerable for a long time. Still we continued to discuss the idea on occasion and I started fantasizing about it more and more, trying to get comfortable with the idea. Well, this seems to have paid off! So of course by the time I felt READY to do it none of the nights seemed to line up on his last trip and then he was just HOME for weeks, which is usually great for our sex life haha but in this particular case meant waiting to finally give this fantasy a try. Well, this week he was out of town. I hadn’t been feeling great but yesterday was all worked up and ready to go and in the afternoon we talked about doing it that night. I’d taken pot to help with my pain so it was easily 8p before it wore off and I could drive home to pick up a ring light phone stand thingy I’ve yet to try but thought would make this much better! It was almost 9:30p when I was back to where I’m currently staying and text him, super excited. It had been about an hour since I’d last heard from him but he’s reliably up until at least 10p so I was surprised when I didn’t hear back from him…turns out he fell asleep early. That was his last night out of town this week but he’s traveling again next week…I hope a night works out! I’m feeling excited and impatient after all this time working myself up to this!
E liked to video himself raping and beat me and even at only 18 I already had big, unique tattoos and was terrified for a very long time about where all that video would end up, so although I rarely experience any PTSD issues with pictures at this point, video is still tough for me, even live with the person I trust more than I’ve ever trusted *anyone*. I’m excited that I seem to be making progress on that front, just as I’ve made progress with feeling safe sending pictures to Mr. Trustworthy. I’m not sure if he knows just how scary such things can feel for me thanks to past trauma, but he is always so patient and never pushes me. I’ve never been loved even remotely close to the way he loves me…how did I get so lucky!?
Anyway, tonight he was on his way home and I get to see him tomorrow! I’m super excited and because I haven’t been feeling great, I haven’t masturbated in days which is unusual for me, so we got to sexting and I got SUPER riled up way faster than normal. I’d pretty much planned on spending the afternoon edging myself to several orgasms when he text me early afternoon and told me I couldn’t cum until I see him tomorrow. I didn’t agree but I also didn’t refuse…I did however put off masturbating for 2+ hours knowing he’d done exactly what I want and moved to assert additional control over my orgasms, which instantly made my arousal level skyrocket! A factor I didn’t initially take in to account is that I’d also taken a pot gummy to help with my pain this afternoon, but I realized pretty quickly once I started masturbating that I felt different than usual…my nipples were EXTRA sensitive and feeling even better than normal as I gently pinched and tugged and twisted them, trying to delay giving any attention to my sopping wet pussy and throbbing clit. As soon as I gave in and pulled out my preferred vibrator to start off with I sent him a text, hoping he’d enjoy knowing I was masturbating but *not* cumming simply because he’d told me not to. I made it almost exactly an hour but I was edging within ten minutes when usually I can play for an hour or longer before I’m truly close…dang pot! So ten minutes in I’m already having to give myself a moment to calm down lest I fall over the edge of an orgasm I’m explicitly forbidden and I manage to spend the next FIFTY minutes edging myself again and again and again…the amount of time and stimulation between each edge getting narrower and narrower as I just can’t seem to truly calm down…
And then I lost control 😦
It was truly an accident, I thought I could stop in time, just like I had been. Now that the pot’s worn off I can see the progression and feel like it should’ve been obvious that I genuinely couldn’t take any more edging, but I guess my judgment was impaired so I didn’t realize that at the time and slipped. I was instantly feeling guilty but also rebellious as I had a couple of clear choices…stop what I was doing and ruin the majority of the orgasm I’d been forbidden or turn up my toy and extend and make the orgasm as intense and pleasurable as possible and I chose the latter. I confessed to Mr. Trustworthy right away that I’d cum on accident, but I failed to volunteer the details. I’m trying to console myself with the fact that I didn’t follow through with the SECOND part of my usual masturbation routine, fucking myself senseless with my huge dildo so I can follow my clitoral orgasm with a deep, g spot/cervical orgasm and the incredible feeling of my pussy being stretched and fucked hard…I always cum hardest like this, following a clitoral orgasm first. All the attention on my clit makes my pussy insanely jealous!!! So anyway, I did try to get the most out of the accidental orgasm but I did NOT give myself the second orgasm that I crave so badly.
Still, I disobeyed. Mr. Trustworthy text me, ‘Punishment then’ and I responded ‘I certainly wouldn’t deny having earned one’ and that’s the last I heard on that topic. My first instinct was to instead respond, ‘I’ve heard that before!’ but taunting him felt mean spirited and resentful/passive aggressive rather than submissive as I want to be, so I managed to rein myself in. It’s not that I consciously WANT to test him, it’s just instinct, my submissive side wanting more PROOF that he wants me and loves me even if I’m bad, even if I fail, even if I’m bratty, even if I’m naughty…and I guess for me my submission doesn’t feel complete if he won’t actually punish me should I fail to follow through when he’s in charge. He hasn’t ever punished me and I’m not sure he knows how, although I could certainly teach him! Lol. But I guess the fact he has never punished me makes me feel like I’m too much, like I need and want and am asking too much of him. Like my needing to be punished is more than he can handle. Which I hate! I know there are ways in which he could punish me that wouldn’t have to involve pain for me with which he was uncomfortable or anything that scares him, there are a million ways to deny a submissive to punish them and I’m certain we have MORE than enough creativity between us to find workable options. I even tried to bring this up a long time ago, saying something about us never having discussed and agreed on punishments for me, but he didn’t take the bait. I want him to punish me more than *anything*…it would absolve me of my guilt, let me feel that I’d proven my commitment to him and to following through with things I agree to do for him. I’d feel so much BETTER if he would punish me, and I’d feel so much more secure in our relationship (which feels insane to even say because our relationship is unbelievably strong, yet somehow this is still true). To me punishment is an affirmation of everything our power exchange and our entire relationship represents and is built upon, and not getting that weighs on me. Maybe I’m at fault here for not discussing this with him, but it’s been a while since I last thought about it. I’ve gotten so good at controlling my orgasms and he doesn’t order me around hardly at all, so the topic hasn’t come up in quite some time. Maybe that’s party why I’ve been feeling the itch more and more for a return to impact play and craving him controlling me so much more lately.
I feel like there’s so much going on in our relationship right now, with me trying to let out my dominant streak but also feeling like he’s getting more dominant with me recently, which I LOVE but it’s also super confusing to be alternately dominant AND submissive to the same person…I never imagined that was possible. Part of why I’ve never really felt like the term ‘switch’ applies to me even though I undoubtedly enjoy both roles. Now he stepped up and did what I asked and I responded by immediately defying him. Will he actually punish me? I honestly can’t imagine that he would. Even as I type I’m wrestling with myself because the deal is no secrets but everything in me is railing against the idea of sending him the link to this post to read for himself. I don’t want to talk about this. I’m uncomfortable with my fantasies and desires and I’m TERRIFIED of scaring him off, even if I know in my head that’s not at all likely. Thank you PTSD & abandonment issues…what fun would life be without these constant companions!? I don’t want him to feel forced to punish me and much like when I’m in charge, I’m afraid of accidentally pushing him too far in his desire to please me and ruining all that we have. If he reads this, how will he feel? He gives me so fucking MUCH…more than I ever could’ve imagined in so many ways, but I’m still greedy for more. I feel guilty and afraid, and a little bit hopeless too on the punishment front. It almost hurts too much to even hope that might be a realistic possibility and yet neither can I extinguish the desire which feeds the spark of hope I so wish to crush.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m very proud of myself for facing the areas in which trauma and PTSD have continued to hold me back, but this type of work is never easy and in spite of how much I’ve worked through in the past, each issue seems to entail its own unique hell and experience working through other trauma doesn’t ever appear to make other issues any easier I guess that’s where grit comes in to play, which (for better or worse!) I have in spades. I’m so stubborn they say Mules are as stubborn as ME! Haha. Ugh…everything inside of me just feel so complicated and uncertain right now as I face this stuff and work through the effects on my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy – I don’t think some of this would even be possible for me to work through if I didn’t have him and all that we’ve built together.
I will NOT let fear control me.
I KNOW communication and honesty *always* feels better, because I need to be accepted for who I am authentically, not who I can pretend to be or the pretty facade I can portray.
I will NOT start hiding from Mr. Trustworthy now.
Fear has only the power I give it – I am not giving any more power away!
I was victimized. I was in a fight that was not a fair fight. I did not ask for or deserve that fight. I WON! My only job was to survive and I did. There is no shame in surviving such a fight. I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember. I was a victim. I AM a survivor, a warrior with a future! [my personal adaptation of the wonderful Survivors Psalm which can be easily googled]
And I chose to live passionately, authentically, unapologetically 🙂
I DESERVE to be fought for, loved, protected. I am WORTH IT!
Last week I did it – I took the lead in bed with Mr. Trustworthy. As soon as he got out of bed to clean up I was hit with the most severe panic attack I’ve had in a long time.
Now I feel totally unstable and, for the first time in a long time, reckless. I’m confused and hurting and afraid. A few things have happened recently which are probably compounding my current emotional difficulties, not the least of which is the constant pain of Mr. Trouble’s alcoholism. About a month ago I started becoming friends with a coworker I didn’t know super well and it turns out we have a lot in common. Then a couple days ago I sent him a text and he told me he’d have to talk to me later after his wife had gone to bed. Um…what!? So I asked him if our friendship was a secret from her and he said ‘yes’. I told him I wasn’t okay with being friends if it meant he had to lie to his wife, but I feel guilty that we’d been talking for weeks and apparently it was all behind her back. I have no nefarious intentions here, I was only looking to build a new friendship. He took it pretty hard from what I can tell and I hate to have hurt him but I don’t regret setting boundaries.
What I do regret is how uncertain this has made me suddenly feel about my friendship with NJ. Not only have we been talking regularly for several months at least, but we’ve hung out one on one a bunch of times as well. Again, no nefarious intentions here! I totally admit that I’m attracted to NJ but really I never had a chance the way that guy rides a motorcycle! But I have never made a move on him or sexted with him…I’ll admit we were too close to boundaries that should not be crossed at least once, but I kinda figured we were both testing out the boundaries of our friendship and feeling one another out for want of a better term, figuring out what our friendship was going to look like and how it was going to work. I debated back and forth whether or not it was worth mentioning to Mr. Trustworthy and decided to see if it was a one-off or a pattern. Nothing similar ever happened again and lately I’ve been feeling extremely safe and secure in that friendship. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made the same mistake and my friendship with NJ is a secret from his wife too!? Really not a good feeling and while I’d regret the loss of this most recent friendship, I don’t rely on it; I do rely on my friendship with NJ, a great deal. I’m afraid to ask NJ the same question because I don’t know what I’m going to do if he gives the same answer??? After months of friendship and hanging out one on one multiple times, NJ coming clean with his wife seems like it would be too late for his and my friendship to ever be okay with her…meaning I’d have to end the friendship. I can’t *not* ask him, but I may try to put off asking him until I’m feeling a bit more stable. I’m honestly not sure if I can handle losing that friendship right now.
So, now I’m afraid of losing the one friend I really rely on in addition to Mr. Trustworthy. It doesn’t help that J has disappeared recently, probably has his hands full with his new girlfriend who treats him like shit. Maybe I was a bit too honest about my concerns and telling him he doesn’t deserve how she treats him. I care about him and I miss talking; I was shocked when he told me he couldn’t make plans to get together for lunch/dinner sometime unless he talked to her and that she already didn’t love that he and I are friends and talk. I understand what it’s like to feel jealous, but I really don’t understand why people allow this feeling to determine their actions? Not long after we got married I seriously considered leaving H when he wouldn’t allow me to get lunch with J – quite the declaration when I’d hooked up with J since H and I had been together because H wanted me to! So I can have sex with my ex, but I can’t be platonic friends with him…makes so much sense…! Seeing J going through the same thing and now understanding how controlling and unhealthy that type of behavior is makes me sad for him. I was so excited that he was finally dating again, putting himself out there and willing to be open to a new relationship. Unfortunately he seems far less willing to let go of a bad one.
The bff being back in my life has also been difficult. He is very flaky and although I believe he has good intentions he just isn’t at all reliable, which is extremely frustrating. I don’t reach out to him when I’m struggling like I did the first time we were friends, which is disappointing. Plus the bff is the one who made me aware of how out of control Mr. Trouble’s drinking is again and I’m still struggling with that knowledge every day. Once I sent Mr. Trouble a text essentially saying goodbye I improved, but I have yet to get over it enough for the pain to stop.
I haven’t been able to see Mr. Trustworthy since my panic attack which has been difficult. Originally I’d planned to let my dominant streak off leash on a trip out of town, so I’d have plenty of time with Mr. Trustworthy after in case I had a hard time (which I knew was likely). In spite of my intentions, this never materialized and with no out of town trips currently planned, I gave in when I finally felt confident enough to try taking the lead. It was great during and very intense after as we came down, but as soon as I lost physical contact with Mr. Trustworthy I unraveled hard. He was wonderful and helped me a ton, doing everything I asked. But eventually he had to leave and I wasn’t yet in a place to talk about everything. He texted me asking if he triggers me and I just couldn’t bring myself to try and answer via text, asking if we could talk in person? I’m hoping I will feel better Monday when I get to see him, touch him, talk to him. Try to explain my emotions and how I feel about him is what triggers me, that it’s entirely caused by trauma and how badly I’ve been hurt, abused and emotionally devastated by those I’ve loved in the past.
I’m concerned about his reaction to my panic attack, about his reaction to how I’ve reacted and been struggling. I wanted to face this but maybe I got ahead of myself and took on too much too fast? Was I just looking for an escape from how I’ve been hurting because of Mr. Trouble? Was I trying to prove to myself that if I could be dominant in bed with Mr. Trouble, enjoy myself and have everything go smoothly, I could do so with Mr. Trustworthy too? I’ve long felt guilty due to my ability to be dominant with Mr. Trouble but not Mr. Trustworthy. Was I reacting to Mr. Trustworthy having been on my blog, knowing the things he’s read about regarding my feelings and conversations with Mr. Trouble? I feel like I don’t know anything right now, least of all my own motivations. There can be no doubt, the dramatic difference in my feelings for these two men makes all the difference when it comes to my fears about my dominant streak. Losing Mr. Trouble is a heartbreak I’ve been through over and over again, a guaranteed eventuality from the start. But to lose Mr. Trustworthy? It could be as devastating as H’s suicide and while I want to believe I’d be strong enough to survive, I’m not sure I truly *believe* I would. I know Mr. Trustworthy can’t understand my level of fear and panic, nor how it feels to be hijacked by PTSD. I wanted to be strong enough to work through this but based on how I’m feeling tonight, maybe I’m not ready.
Maybe I will feel a ton better once I can see Mr. Trustworthy Monday and talk to him; I hope so! But right now my instincts are screaming to go running back to Mr. Trouble and I hate myself for that urge. It’s this more than anything that has me feeling afraid; clearly I’m super overwhelmed to be feeling THAT! I’m reflexively wanting to use Mr. Trouble as a form of emotional self harm again, a coping mechanism I’d thought I’d been past for quite some time now. This resurgence is beyond unwelcome and painful, making me feel guilty, discouraged and ashamed. I didn’t expect facing these fears to go smoothly, but I didn’t expect to spin out this hard either. I hope I can find the strength to pull myself back to some semblance of emotional balance again soon…if not, I’m afraid of what mistakes I’ll make next…
Now I’m struggling in an entirely different way than usual – my lust for Mr. Trustworthy is rampaging out of control! I saw him yesterday, which was very unexpected as evenings and weekends are usually reserved for his family. We went on a motorcycle ride and it was SO much fun, but before that we made sure to mess up my sheets! Even though he always makes me cum HARD, I don’t cum so hard that I can’t avoid squirting all that often – yesterday I did 😛 After we finished we talked about orgasm denial and my being dominant, how when he wants me to wait he wants me to wait and when he wants me to cum he wants me to cum haha which is all good with me! While I was in the shower I was thinking about what we’d just talked about and my journey to being more dominant with him that I seem to have embarked upon – an idea struck! I don’t like using a safe word because when I’m anywhere near let alone actually submerged in subspace I literally can’t find language even if I want to, so I like to use tapping out. Blame my Kung Fu years, but this feel fast & effective and I’ve had really good luck using that in place of something verbal…plus even though it’s been a very long time, I do SO love to be gagged 😉 Anyway, I realized that some of my fears about pushing him too far could be allayed by formalizing an agreement about how he can let me know if he needs a break – tapping out, just like I do! I was really excited about telling him I wanted to use this form of communication when I’m being dominant; I knew he’d agree and it would give me reassurance that he was enjoying himself, otherwise he’d tap out and I know instantly to take a break. I was so excited I went to talk to him about this idea the moment I was out of the shower, wearing only my towel wrapped around me…
I go into the living room where he’s sitting on the couch and put my arms around him. Maybe it was just having dominance on my mind so much lately, but standing there while he sat on the edge of the couch looking down at him felt powerful and I felt *good* and confident as I explained and he quickly agreed to tap out if he needs/wants to at any time – yay! I kissed him briefly on the lips, both as a thank you and just because I wanted to kiss him! I intended to back away and go get dressed so we could get on our motorcycles, but he opened my towel and started sucking on my left nipple, conveniently at just the right level with me standing in between his legs while he sat on the couch!
My nipples are extremely sensitive and a HUGE turn on; whatever I feel with my nipples sends FIRE directly to my clit and gets me so desperate SO fast! I said something about how I was about to take him back to bed when we were supposed to go out on the bikes and he completely removed my towel asking me what he was supposed to do when I’m right there in nothing but a towel!? I wasn’t complaining AT ALL as he switched and gave the other nipple attention with his amazing mouth; I could feel my pussy swelling up and getting wet fast. I didn’t give a fuck about the plan to ride our bikes at that point as he put his hands on my waist…another feeling that I find to be a HUGE turn on for some reason…and turned me around so my back was to him. Then he pushed down on my back and I happily bent in half, touching my toes and displaying myself inches in front of his face. He started teasingly fingering my pussy and my excitement sky rocketed as I suddenly wondered if he was going to fist me from behind, right there in the middle of my living room!
Mr. Trustworthy sent me a text that he was on his way nearly an hour earlier than I expected – AWESOME as I wanted to see him ASAP but I still needed to jump in the bath! So I told him the door was open and made haste, but he arrived before I was done. I felt kinda bad but told him I just needed a few more minutes and chatted with him through the cracked bathroom door a bit. He made himself right at home and when I came out a few minutes later he was splayed out naked on my bed…what a sight! Fuck that was so sexy, walking in to see him like that! Wouldn’t have realized that would turn me on so much but extremely glad he got comfortable and I got to have that experience! When we were sexting the night before we’d been talking about me riding his fist in bed, an idea I had a while back that turned out to be the best variation yet on that experience! But we were so worked up once we actually got our hands on one another we started 69ing as long as we both could stand and I was RIGHT on the edge, thoroughly enjoying his mouth, feeling like he was getting close too and wanting him to cum down my throat but not willing to free up my mouth to tell him that haha. He came down my throat last time I saw him and although I’ve always enjoyed giving blow jobs and never had a problem with swallowing…can you say no mess!?…I’ve NEVER been turned on by the act of a man cumming down my throat like I am when he does it!!! But we needed each other, needed more, and when he sank inside of me it was like he was hitting exactly where I wanted him the whole time – gods he felt sooooo good!…hence the squirting orgasm I mentioned earlier 😀
Anyway, bent over in front of him with him brutally teasing me being so gentle with my pussy the idea of taking his fist came RAGING back to the front of my mind and I was lost to pleasure again already. Then he stopped, giving me a mockery of a spank it was so light and told me to go get dressed. Good thing he wrestled some self control because I could’ve EASILY kept him in bed the rest of the day! After all, only ONE side of it was wet so far! Hahaha
My usually high sex drive has been on overdrive, even for ME, and I only figured out why just now…why I’m suffering, SO horny I can’t get enough, distracted by craving him 24/7, somehow even MORE than usual!…it’s got to be because I’m beginning to explore the idea of being dominant with him in earnest! I had NO IDEA that would do this to me! A while back, once I’d been fantasizing about taking control with him for a bit, I confessed one of my fantasies, quite afraid that it would turn him off or freak him out, and if so I did NOT want to find out because I told him to do it and he balked. I’ve always been extremely turned on by someone going down on me after my pussy has already been filled with cum, something he and I have never done. Luckily, other than verifying I wasn’t trying to say I wanted to be with someone else (which I definitely do NOT), he was up for the idea. We still haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m sure we will at some point as I practice being dominant! Last night, shortly before he went to bed, I asked him about sounding. I’ve never done it before but I’ve fantasized about it at times in the past, only I’ve always been scared of the risks. What I discovered last night is that there is such a thing as silicone urethral sounds!!! That allayed my fears and now I’m kinda *dying* to try it 😂
I’ve also been on a bit of a sex toy shopping binge lately. It all started in early November when I got an email advertising and offering a discount on this:
I’ve always LOVED the idea of being teased in public, and although I’ve tried it numerous times with a variety of toys, it’s never lived up to my fantasies. Perhaps I’m just not shaped quite right for the remote vibrators I’ve bought in the past…and I’ve tried several…or maybe what I fantasize about just wasn’t realistic? But when I saw this triple stimulation toy I went wild with want! But then I went to order it and discovered I wasn’t spending enough to receive free shipping. I have a strict policy against ever paying for shipping so what was I to do but BUY ANOTHER SEX TOY!? Lol. Mr. Trustworthy and I had talked quite some time ago about about trying a penis sleeve for him to use while fucking me, but I never actually pulled the trigger and purchased one. I’m picky…I know because this is something H and I very much enjoyed back in the day; we used one like this that had to be trimmed to length. I knew I didn’t want to use the exact same one with Mr. Trustworthy, preferring to try something new so naturally I ordered this:
and viola! Free shipping 😀 We haven’t managed to get around to trying it yet, but Mr. Trustworthy LOVES when I suck on his tip so I’m hoping this sleeve in particular will give him added enjoyment as I know it will for me! Plus it will be secure, unlike the one H and I used so many years ago.
We HAVE tried the triple stimulation toy and OMG…I wish I could wear it 24/7!!!! It is even better than I hoped and I was hoping for quite a lot!!! It’s the *perfect* toy to fulfill that desire of mine and I came like CRAZY just from playing with it at HOME…we haven’t even taken it out in public yet! Which I am extremely excited to do 😀 But THEN those bastards at Kinkly.com sent me an advertisement and discount for THIS:
which can be worn hands free and used during intercourse! I’ve never seen a sex toy *anything* like it and although I tried to talk myself out of buying yet another sex toy, I gave in within four days and ordered it! It hasn’t actually shipped yet so I’m not certain when it will arrive, but the first time I rode Mr. Trustworthy’s fist he took it upon himself to take a nipple in his mouth which caught me totally be surprise and fucking SET ME ON FIRE!!! I lost my damned MIND with his mouth on my nipple while I ground my cervix down on his fist…but I get a similar feeling when he sucks and licks my clit with his fist inside me. He only has the ONE mouth and being able to use my weight and grind down on his fist is just too fucking perfect, so with this toy I’m HOPING to be able to use it running hands-free on my clit while I ride his fist and put him to work sucking on my nipples…talk about triple stimulation!!!!! I can’t fucking WAIT!
I’ve also been curious about this guy for quite some time…I don’t recall how long ago, but I once got the same type of email promoting and offering a discount on this:
I resisted at the time, but it does seem extremely diverse in potential uses and I do love to explore! >:)
I’ve continued exploring the idea of being more dominant in bed with Mr. Trustworthy in my fantasies and there’s no escaping it: I’m terrified! Oh don’t get me wrong, the idea of getting *exactly* what I want, when I want and how I want is naturally appealing. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I DID explore my dominant streak some with H and I feel like the consequences were disastrous! In my head I recognize that these feelings are all wrapped up in the trauma of how abusive H eventually became and everything is twisted up because of H’s emotional and sexual abuse. I just don’t understand how it happened…how did we go from talking about his cuckold fantasies to the reality of him watching me with other men and me *enjoying* it to him at some point pulling away from me, emotionally and sexually, and manipulating and forcing me to have sex with other people when I didn’t want to!? How did exploring the idea of me being dominant with H, something I was extremely hesitant to do, lead to me losing the right to say no???
It’s not fair. I TRUST Mr. Trustworthy. He’s nothing like H. Mr. Trustworthy would never hurt me, would never pressure me, would NEVER violate my consent. It’s just hard…and they way I love Mr. Trustworthy, I’ve never even allowed the thought to enter my mind before…I know the limits, I respect them; his life, his family, his marriage, his future come first…but the way I love him, gods, I love him like a partner, like the person I share my life with…I love him the way I loved my husband. He’s my best friend and I’ve never had a relationship anything like this before, hell, I’ve never HAD a healthy relationship before Mr. Trustworthy came into my life. So maybe I loved H the way I’d love a best friend? H *was* my best friend, but that was in part due to his control and isolation of me, not allowing me to have other friends for the most part, combined with my utter lack of understanding and skills to know how to have healthy friendships that aren’t about sex or whatever else we could get from one another. Maybe it would be different, if I had someone for the happily ever after Mr. Trustworthy wants for me, maybe there would somehow be even MORE, I don’t know. I can’t image more, but that doesn’t prove anything.
Anyway, it scares me knowing that Mr. Trustworthy wants to please me in bed so badly. There was a time when that’s how it felt with H, which led to talking about fantasies, which led to acting on fantasies. And at first, for a while even, I enjoyed it. But things changed over time and I wanted to stop, tried to set limits and boundaries and H would violate them every time. After a while H would punish me for even trying to speak up, say what I did or didn’t want, for trying to say ‘no’. By that time he’d become so abusive in so many ways I was totally under his control and too afraid to even try to object or ask for anything. In my head I know things could never turn out like that with Mr. Trustworthy, but trauma isn’t so simple to let go. Mr. Trustworthy has been willing to try so many things with me that he never would’ve done otherwise, things he didn’t even enjoy at times but did anyway because of how much it benefited me. I know he really struggled for a while when we started doing impact play, although now he’s grown to enjoy it. He tells me that if he doesn’t want to do something he’d just not do it and I WANT to believe him, but I’ve already seen how he will put my desires first and push himself out of his comfort zone to please me. So what happens if I do push too far and at the time he’s willing to give it a go but regrets it later? What if he ends up feeling used or violated? I don’t know how I’d ever forgive myself. Would I even know? Would he tell me? I want to believe he would and I’m sure HE believes that he would, but he doesn’t have the experience to understand the emotional consequences and toll something like that takes, how it can change you. How it can change how you feel about the person you love.
I guess I am afraid to even experiment with trusting the combined inexperience of his submissive side with my dominant side. At this point I don’t intend to let that stop me, but the plan is definitely to proceed with BABY steps. I’ve been meaning to ask him how he felt about the other day in bed when I told him what I wanted multiple times. When we were texting he told me he noticed, but for one reason or another I didn’t ask how he *felt* and while I’m sure it wasn’t anything negative or he would have told me, hearing his thoughts will help me going forward. I’m going to need a HELL of a lot of communication and reassurance for this, ironic as that’s usually the top’s job I’ve always thought! Maybe our D/s just has to be a bit more fluid than anything I’ve ever imagined before so I can feel safe enough to experiment. I really hope this doesn’t destroy us. I don’t think it will or I’d just say ‘no’, but I definitely fear that could be the end result.
On the up side, every single thing I’ve feared would destroy me simply hasn’t had the power; hopefully this fear will also lose it’s strength now that I’m shining the light on it…
Well, I *don’t*! I’ve never trusted it and I only just realized that today. Mr. Trustworthy has long expressed a desire for me to be dominant in bed at least once in a while, and in spite of genuinely trying to fulfill that desire I have not been able to. I was feeling extremely guilty this year as I was more and more consistently dominant in bed with Mr. Trouble and I couldn’t understand why I was comfortable with that but totally unable to take the lead with Mr. Trustworthy.
The light bulb finally went off and I realized I’ve never had the opportunity to learn to trust myself when I give in to my dominant streak. I’ve been fighting and suppressing it in my personal life for longer than I can remember, terrified of hurting or pushing people away, terrified of being abandoned. I only just realized I’m afraid of the responsibility I’d be accepting, especially having so little experience. What I DO have experience with is being let down by your top, not having your needs met when you’re at your most vulnerable. I’m terrified of letting Mr. Trustworthy down if I let myself be dominant with him…SO much could go wrong!
I wasn’t consciously aware of it, but now I see that I was using my relationship with Mr. Trouble as a safe practicing ground, allowing myself to explore my dominant side in bed with someone I knew I’d lose in the end anyway, so when I made mistakes or if I hurt him and that ended things, I could live with losing Mr. Trouble…not at all how I feel about Mr. Trustworthy!
When I was young I was light years ahead of my ‘peers’ and tended to be extremely domineering and controlling, however as an empath it wasn’t purely out of self interest or just wanting to get my way; I truly believed I knew BETTER than others and especially with my friends, wanted to protect them from pain. But when one is excessively controlling the subjugated always revolt eventually and resent you, even if you were only trying to protect them from pain. I can’t save other people. Anyway, I got an enormous amount of negative feedback about my behavior and I admit it was totally unregulated and instinctive, but later in life thanks to all the trauma I suffered I never learned how to integrate the different sides of myself and find balance. So I’ve been repressing my dominant streak practically as a means of survival except in specific circumstances, usually having to do with my career. I have NO hesitation being in total control when I’m teaching motorcycle classes, but I’ve never allowed my dominant streak any room to breathe in my personal life – at least not before things started down that road with Mr. Trouble.
I don’t even know exactly how it happened, only that it happened slowly over time and that neither of us were conscious of wanting a power exchange. Luckily the roles we each felt the need to take on were compatible, but now I’m nervous as hell realizing I don’t have a throw away relationship with which to practice, only my best friend Mr. Trustworthy. I *want* to give him what he’s asked for, I fantasize about it, playing it out in my head, testing out different ideas, trying to figure out what I might be comfortable with, what might work for us both. But the steps between thought and action have proven extremely elusive.
I think I’ve been taking baby steps…earlier this year I finally felt safe enough to tell Mr. Trustworthy when I didn’t want to have sex, something I’ve never done before in my life out of deeply rooted fear of reprisal. The few times I’ve done that I was met with nothing but love and understanding, cuz he’s not a monster like the men from my past! Then fantasizing about taking control with him, testing the waters to see how I felt about taking control in reality with Mr. Trouble…and today in bed I told Mr. Trustworthy more than once when I wanted to change positions so we could do something else specific that I was craving. That went well and (as always with him) felt *amazing*…but as usual I didn’t orgasm without his permission, and today he never did tell me to cum so I didn’t. I really enjoy orgasm denial, but to scratch my submissive itch it needs to be intentional and most of the time it seems like it’s accidental when he denies me. I talked with him recently about craving him taking even more control and confessed I wanted him to order me not to orgasm some time when we’re sexting and I’m masturbating and he even admitted it had crossed his mind to do that! So perhaps we will give that a try, which I’d definitely enjoy!
But I guess I’m feeling a little confused in bed as I’m trying to coax my dominant streak out into the light while still wanting to feed my submissive needs. The submissive needs I understand and am pretty comfortable with after all these years of focusing on that side of myself, but the dominant side I am extremely suspicious of…I don’t trust myself with that level of responsibility, not with someone who MATTERS in my life the way Mr. Trustworthy does. Still, I’m now recognizing that this fear is all about past trauma, which I hate to let hold me back. It just feels like the level of risk is astronomical and the potential reward isn’t particularly enticing to me at all…then again I know better, this is a part of my personality I’ve been suppressing out of fear so facing that and working through it will likely be rewarding, just like all the other hard work I’ve done emotionally. And it’s really not that much Mr. Trustworthy is asking for! It drives me crazy that it’s been so incredibly challenging to actually step up and DO! Hopefully I’m on the right track and making progress, hopefully I’ll be able to turn fantasy into reality for us *both* one of these days…
Yesterday I learned that Mr. Trustworthy had been on my blog for the first time in what I’d guess had been quite a while. After posting, I text him the link to Last Chance suggesting he might want to read it; it’s one thing to tell him things are over with Mr. Trouble but reading it in my diary? Somehow that feels like even better proof that he truly doesn’t need to worry. Let’s call it a hunch that he hadn’t been on my blog in the recent past, but I wasn’t certain. I was just certain that I wanted him to read my unfiltered thinking and feelings on the topic. I didn’t expect him to go back and read a bunch of my posts…I honestly never write anything without being aware of the people who know about my blog and could potentially read it, but again this is my diary and I’m not going to deny myself what a useful tool it is to me in processing things just because I’ve been brave enough to expose this level of vulnerability to a few people in my life. Besides, I seem to be all about the honesty these days anyway! So while some details might be news, I’m really very open with my friends about what’s really going on with me these days already. Still, I didn’t text him the link assuming he’d go back and read my other recent posts. Over lunch yesterday I found out he did.
12/19/22 6:03 pm
So when I realized you are the reason my blog had so many views there was only *one* post that instantly came to mind and I didn’t know how I felt about you reading it. Then I realized it shows me every page that is viewed and the post I was thinking about wasn’t on the list. I haven’t talked with you about it cuz I don’t want to and I don’t know how to. I’m still trying to figure out how *I’m* dealing with it. But you’re my best friend and I guess once I realized you hadn’t read that post I felt like I want you to know what’s going on with me and what I’m struggling with. It’s gunna be an extremely ugly read and I hate to ask you to read it but I also suddenly hated you not knowing what’s been going on in my head.
No rush, you don’t need to read it tonight or even this week.
The first video is one of the songs I saw Demi sing in person not long ago
I read that one
So my statistics aren’t trustworthy! That’s news
I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it
I just couldn’t
I don’t know why you feel the need to apologize to me
It’s not a need. But I didn’t like feeling like I was hiding something I was struggling with. Not too easy to slip into a casual conversation lol especially when I didn’t wanna talk about it at all
It seems like I’m okay
It’s been weeks since I wrote that and I’m still not like broken
So I think I have the tools I need to deal with it
It’s just very important to me that we continue to be friends first and as my best friend I felt you should know
You can tell me anything!
Yeah. But talking is hard for me when it’s about me lol
The truth is I thought about telling Mr. Trustworthy directly a whole bunch of times, but I just wasn’t up to actually doing it. Last night I re-read the post (only AFTER texting him the link in spite of my attempts to re-read it before texting it to him) and it felt so ugly I couldn’t even stomach re-reading it and gave up trying after multiple attempts, finally just texting it to him. It was a shock when he told me he had in fact read it and I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d have acted or said anything differently at lunch when he mentioned he’d read updates on my blog the prior night if I’d believed he had read that one as turned out to be the case? I probably would have, and this explains why when he said that his expression didn’t match his nonchalant tone and why there seemed to be an unstated question in his statement which I couldn’t decipher at the time.
Turns out once I knew the cat was already out of the bag I could finally handle re-reading that post and it turns out I’d hit my limit without discussing all of the things that were going on in my head, so some of the worst details that I dreaded exposing actually hadn’t been exposed. When I was three, the age at which all of my memories abruptly begin, my Mom brought out what I believe was titled, ‘The Big Book of Human Sexuality’ and explained to me where babies come from. I immediately developed an uncontrollable need to self harm my genitals, whereas previously my self harm targets had always been easily accessible like my arms or legs. This specific target for my self harm continued on a regular and frequent basis for years and had brutal crossover for a while with the appearance of my hypersexuality at all of seven years old. I was about to say that the urge ended, but I don’t think it ever actually DID. Isn’t that the biggest part of my gender dysphoria – the soul deep horror and disgust related to my biological sex? Would it have been possible for me to have lived my life content to be female had it not been for LFD (who I’ve recently taken to calling my ‘psycho bio dad’ which I find to be by FAR the most satisfying method I’ve thus far devised for referencing him!)? Is this why I’m a masochist!? Because pain I could control was the only way I could figure out how to escape?
I knew my masochism had extremely deep roots, but I always believed the roots were in LFD’s psychological abuse, having spent most of my life telling myself I wasn’t physically (and *certainly* not sexually) abused growing up. I feel this dichotomy in which I’m driven to seek reasons WHY for my behavior, wanting to understand and heal. At the same time part of me also believes that at some point asking ‘Why?’ can become destructive, as I’ve found this has held me back on my journey of accepting and living authentically regarding my gender identity. I could wonder why forever and get trapped in circular thinking without ever taking any action or making any changes and just torture myself emotionally with questions that I can’t ever be certain of the answers, or I can let go of the need to know why and just live my life. Surprisingly I’m realizing I appear to have found a healthy balance which makes room for both and doesn’t have me stagnating! #winning
The pieces have been consciously falling into place, one by one, for most of this year. I don’t recall exactly when I realized how sexually aggressive and exploitative I was of the girls in my class growing up, or how young I was when that behavior started, but I believed it was because I’m actually much more sexually attracted to women than I am to men, so my inappropriate/predatory sexual behavior was targeted at girls only for many years and that all seemed to make sense. I now realize this was more likely learned behavior, that this is how girls are treated. When I told my godmother earlier this year that I don’t know how to have female friends and when I do meet a woman I like I hit on her even when I don’t want to and am trying not to she said, ‘I’d love to talk about that’ which wasn’t quite what I was expecting but felt encouraging. I knew I was opening up a can of worms when I told my therapist I wanted to be able to have friends that are women but don’t know how, but I had no clue the can of worms I was opening was this.
The thing is, I actually DO have a real female friend now! It started out slowly, a married neighbor I find very attractive. What’s funny is I’m only just now realizing although she IS unquestionably attractive, physically she is not at all the type of woman that’s my type. What I find so attractive about her (as is most common for me with men) is her personality! Anyway, our friendship started out very slow as I was fighting so hard to not hit on her and just be friendly and neighborly. Apparently it worked as we’ve become quite close recently and I truly do consider her a friend now! This is the healthiest friendship I’ve ever had with a woman, even if it is still on the newer side, the differences are STARK. I’m not claiming sexual thoughts about her never cross my mind, but it’s much more like how it is with NJ or J, just a *thought* rather than a runaway train on which I’m trapped! For so many years I’ve believed I’ve only been with men because I was less afraid of them than women when in fact it may be that my choices weren’t driven by fear rather than the fact that I actually had healthier tools for relationships with MEN than I did for relationships with WOMEN…wow does that boggle the mind!
Yesterday Mr. Trustworthy and I had a light impact play session, the first in quite some time. I’ve been struggling some emotionally the past few months which has had me craving subspace and I’ve brought up at least a few times wanting impact play again, but expected to wait at least a couple more weeks so I’d be 100% healed from my surgery first. I’m not sure if it was just about my desires or his as well, but the prior evening Mr. Trustworthy asked me if I thought impact play would be okay and after giving it some thought I decided it should be safe if we stuck to my thighs and breasts, so yesterday he obliged! I slid in and out of subspace a couple of times and although our sex life is just ridiculously amazing, I’d kind of forgotten how violent (if you can forgive the pun!) a turn on submitting to him is for me when it actually involves some degree of difficulty for me to do so, as impact play does whereas my orgasm delay and occasional denial is just pure thrill! Mr. Trustworthy always makes me orgasm so fucking HARD but yesterday, with impact play in the mix!? Yeah…I hadn’t cum like THAT in a while 😂
I have so many other tools now to help me deal with my emotions and hard times and I never feel desperate to submit the way I did in the past, where it was consuming to the point I was afraid for my safety. I’m so much stronger than I’ve ever been before. But I still love the blissful feeling of being in subspace and the trust and intimacy inherent in submitting to Mr. Trustworthy. I definitely get a taste of it on a regular basis since I almost never orgasm without his permission when we’re together, but I can’t help wanting him to exert even more control. Impact play definitely scratches that itch far more than just being told I can’t cum 😍
I guess I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with my masochism right now. Doing something because I want to rather than because I can’t function without it is clearly a big improvement, but some of the peace and acceptance I’d found in accepting my masochism has been perturbed by facing what happened to me when I was ever so briefly an innocent child. I felt great after our impact play yesterday even though I was nervous about the possibility of sub drop; thus far it hasn’t materialized 🙂 Part of me feels the need to insist that I can’t be *okay* facing this, part of me is waiting to discover I’m actually in DEEP denial and for my whole world to fracture around me. But mostly I can feel that I truly am okay…facing this isn’t fun, but in some ways its not actually the hardest thing I’ve worked through thanks to how strong I’ve grown, the tools I’ve learned and the support system I’ve built. Before writing this I still felt incredibly deep shame specifically about the fact that I’d self harmed my genitals for so many years and at such a young age, something no one has ever known. Now, though? External processor that I am lol…I actually feel free from that shame for the first time in my life.
The one thing Mr. Trustworthy did ask me that broke my heart a little bit yesterday was what name I wanted him to call me. Knowing he’d been on my blog I was certain this question came from reading about my desire for Mr. Trouble to still use my first name in private even though I now only go by my last name. My heart froze in my chest and it took me a second to find enough air to answer. I told him the truth even though in that instant I desperately wanted to lie…I told him I want him to use my last name. I spent several seconds or an eternity desperately searching for the words to explain to him how much it would mean to me to hear him to call me by my last name, because unfair as it may have been I felt terrified of telling him when I wanted to make that change. The fear of losing him held me back for weeks after I realized I WANTED to make the change, but a conversation between him and a coworker some time ago burrowed deep and I was terrified he wouldn’t be able to accept the fact that I’m non-binary, prefer they/them pronouns and wanted to start going by my last name. I wasn’t even worried about our sexual relationship, that I can live without. But I would be destroyed if I lost him as a friend because I’ve chosen to trust him and believe we will be friends for life as we both have said for so long. I count on knowing I won’t lose him and that he won’t abandon me, so telling him about this change made me doubt him even though I knew in my HEAD I could trust him and he wouldn’t dessert me, my feelings were not nearly so certain at the time.
Before I could figure out how to explain all of this to him and try to characterize it correctly as all being about ME and MY feelings rather than about him, he asked if he’d been calling me that name so I had to tell him he had not, but that he hadn’t called me by my first name either lol. He doesn’t use my name when talking with me really ever, so it would only be in talking about me that he might’ve used my name since I made the switch and I didn’t point this out or question what he may have used. I so badly wanted him to understand my desire for him to use my last name, why that would mean so much to me given the fears I had to overcome to tell him. Part of me wanted him to know that I’ve spent months hoping to hear him say it, even just once. But I can hardly blame him for not calling me by name with any regularity, I don’t use his name a ton either! I also didn’t want him to feel bad that I’ve so badly wanted to hear him say it and it hadn’t happened – I’m not upset or hurt, I just know deep down how much hearing it would mean. I hate that Mr. Trouble using my first name felt different, but I hated a lot of what I felt in relation to him. It was this that made me send him a text later that evening, also relating to what I knew he’d read on my blog:
This may not need to be said and I know that I have never said it anywhere on my blog but just for the record there was a reason that I started calling Mr. Trouble handsome and it was when he was drinking like crazy and I thought he needed the ego boost when I essentially rejected him and stopped sleeping with him and was afraid of what he was going to do or what might happen to him. I’ve never used a name with you because I thought you needed the ego boost, I have only ever used endearments or anything else with you because I meant it. I’d never lie to you even like that
You do not need to explain anything to me.
I know I don’t *need* to but I know you were on my blog and lots of his and my texts are on there and that made ME feel uncomfortable so I chose to tell you 🙂
You always lift me up
As you do for me!
I got to tell Mr. Trustworthy over lunch yesterday that I realized I’m FINALLY no longer in love with Mr. Trouble. I still have love for him and care about him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Realizing that for myself felt so good, but getting to tell Mr. Trustworthy felt even better. How long have I been wishing to just be in love with ONE person!? Thanks to all my hard work in and out of therapy I have my wish! What I just now realized is that while Mr. Trouble used to make me feel seen, that isn’t how he makes me feel anymore. He is so wrapped up in his own issues he was having conversations that concerned me without me! When I was at my worst he saw me and could handle it when most people can’t; but now that I’m at my best it turns out he’s too afraid of my light illuminating his shadows to see me at all. Even if Mr. Trouble were to accidentally call me by my first name again in the future, I don’t think it will have any impact on me any longer. Yet another feeling I wasn’t comfortable with from which I am now free! I wish I’d been able to figure out how to say all of that yesterday as my heart was breaking in the car, having to tell Mr. Trustworthy I wanted him to use my last name. But I didn’t have the words…good thing I can always just text him the link to this blog post now that I have found them! 😛
I’m going to keep saying it because I deserve the affirmation!
What happened to me was NOT my fault.
There is NO shame in surviving.
All my life I’ve *had* to believe that a better future was possible and I’ve fought so hard and for so long just hoping to some day have the chance to be mentally and emotionally healthy, to finally have a true chance to THRIVE rather than merely surviving. My time is now! I’m going to keep fighting for myself; I’m going to keep being BRAVE and facing my pain and trauma. I’m going to continue insisting on only allowing healthy relationships with healthy boundaries in my life. I’m going to keep trusting people and letting people in; finally, all these years later, I am truly living my mission to live passionately, authentically, unapologetically!
It’s scary to even type those words, I’m so afraid I’ll be wrong and not trustworthy enough to speak my truth now: this was his last chance.
12/17/22 12:06 pm
I’m glad we were able to catch up
Me too 🙂 gotta admit I’m very curious what was different yesterday though that you finally hit ‘send’
5:13 pm
Hope you had a good day 🙂
I could sense that something was off when he never responded to my indirect question, hence putting out a feeler by texting him that evening…no response, not a good sign with my fellow chronic over-thinker! I resisted the urge to text him at least a couple of times today, resistance which proved wise! I think in the past a lot of the time I was just so wound up and going a million miles a minute that although I noticed that he’d fail to answer direct questions I asked, I partially blamed myself for going so fast, rationalizing that’s why he didn’t respond to every single thing. But now I can clearly see the pattern in what types of questions were always the ones falling through the cracks.
12/18/22 8:11 pm
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have texted you, but I was wanting to see if you were doing okay personally….
So that apology is you saying we’re going back to not talking as of now?
I read all the messages several times and you hit the nail on the head. I reach out when it’s convenient for me and that’s not fair…… I’m glad you are doing well, personally and socially.
Yes.
I wonder if he knew this was his last chance? I doubt it, at least not consciously. But I bet he could see the differences in me this time. Funny, he liked me at my worst but he can’t handle me at my best. I never would’ve thought that could be the case, but in a way it makes a lot of sense since he’s a mess lol.
I am disappointed not to get to go riding with him, but less than I would’ve expected. Maybe him cancelling on me one more time was needed to remind me of the pattern, and that the brief highs aren’t worth all the lows. A big part of me didn’t even want to write this post because I didn’t want to acknowledge his effect on me, but I know better than to bury my head in the sand! The biggest part of me never really believed that ride would happen, even though we only planned it four days in advance!!! But I knew how different things would have to be this time if this was going to work, and my commitment to doing what’s best for MYSELF never wavered.
I don’t have a CLUE what I would’ve done if he hadn’t run like a coward again. If he’d actually talked to me, *listened* to me…if he’d been brave enough to face what I discovered. If he’d realized and acknowledged that’s what he wants from me…then what!? What the fuck would I have done? What would I have offered? The question had only barely crossed my mind because I so sincerely believed he wasn’t capable of that and in spite of being correct, it saddens me for him. I’d hoped he could be brave, not for me even but for himself. But zebras don’t change their stripes and waiting around hoping one will is just wasted…he’s shown me his stripes more than enough times now for me to know the layout. This time I choose to believe what he’s telling me: I’m not going to change. Well, Mr. Trouble, I believe you, I really do. Ironic that he won’t find that out until the next time he comes crawling back! For the first time I really don’t care if it’s in a week, a month, a year or never. Every question that mattered about Mr. Trouble has been answered and I don’t have any doubt. I’m disappointed, but free 🙂
I’ve been wrestling with ethics and friendship for months…I guess at least part of me really did believe this day would come, that Mr. Trouble would text me again. Unfortunately all of my consideration has failed to lead to any helpful ANSWERS. I know having an affair is wrong and I’m sincerely hoping I’m able to avoid the temptation of being with him now…but being friends? When I’m in love with him and he has deep feelings for me in return…can we ethically BE friends with mutual feelings when he’s married? At what point does it cross the line from confiding in/venting to a friend vs. an emotional affair? Even if we were to manage to stay completely away from the topic of sex, no sexting, minimal flirting so as to avoid encouraging him…I mean I know the smartest move is to just stay away, but I’ve missed the friendship SO MUCH. We just have so damn much in common, I feel *seen* with him in a way I’d never experienced before…that said, I’ve also felt some of the deepest loneliness of my life because of our relationship and all of the needs he can’t meet, how little time he has for me. I even asked a friend months ago…
What does it mean when talking with someone makes one feel lonely when that feeling wasn’t otherwise common?
That you’re lonely
Really? That doesn’t make sense to me
Sounds like most of the time you don’t miss it but when you’re reminded you miss it.
Reminded of what?
Whatever it is with that reminds you that you’re lonely, or that they have what you want.
Hmm. That was less illuminating than I’d hoped for lol. But thank you
Interestingly enough, reading that again now it actually does make a bit of sense. Talking with Mr. Trouble was making me feel lonely because I was aching for more of him, before I was fully cognizant of just how deep I was getting in with him this last round. Seems like that should’ve been self evident, but I guess my emotions were clouding my thinking pretty severely! I was FINALLY getting strong enough and healthy enough to feel good on my own, even happy! I’ve been feeling lonely less and less frequently, yet talking to Mr. Trouble left me feeling lonely on a regular basis. Maybe this is where I found the motivation to stop initiating conversation with him as much, leading to less and less frequent contact over the summer even though I was sleeping with him lol. I was happy when I was with him but there was a gaping hole the rest of the time, often even when we did text. Being with Mr. Trouble was also holding me back in my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy…breaking up left me free to let down more walls and take risks I wasn’t previously capable of. Diving in deeper with Mr. Trustworthy has been incredibly fulfilling and, as always, has helped me grow and better myself as a person/independent of our relationship. He really does make me so happy it’s getting far more difficult to remember the limits. But knowing it will end just isn’t anywhere near enough reason to not enjoy every moment of a relationship which involves more love and trust than any I’ve ever had before 😍
Back to Mr. Trouble… the thing is, it’s not just about ME. If that were the case I could handle walking away and working on letting go for good. But I *see* him too, I want him to have someone to confide in, someone to support him emotionally. His wife’s job, right!? But I know he isn’t turning to her, he’s isolating his true self. Yet he willingly trusts me with his vulnerabilities…how do I turn my back on that!? I honestly don’t believe I could be everything he needs but I want to try to be whatever I can be for him. I care about him, I want him to continue building on his momentum from earlier this year. I want to see him taking better care of himself and his life; want to see him confiding in *someone* at least and allowing himself the comfort and support our friendship has been able to provide in the past. Denying myself I am typically quite accomplished at, but walking away from someone I care about who I know could use my friendship and support? That I only seem able to manage once I have clear and irrefutable proof that the relationship is unhealthy for me and I am unable to change this in spite of attempts to set boundaries and find a way to make it work.
So where do the ethics fall when my reason for giving us yet another chance is both because I just fucking MISS HIM and because I genuinely want to support and care for him? I told Mr. Trustworthy I’m being selfish, exploring this yet again because I miss my friendship with Mr. Trouble. I realize that any contact at all is essentially encouraging through my actions his desire to continue our sexual affair…but I really have gotten SO much better with boundaries! So if I set them and stick to them, which granted would indeed be a first when it comes to him, over time my actions would match my words. Showing that I care, that I want him in my life – just can’t have him in my bed. It’s not healthy for either of us. Thing is, change takes time. I’ve been fighting hard all year in and out of therapy to learn to be stronger, practice new skills and find my ability to do better in so many ways. And it’s payed off, probably more than I can even explain. I’m *different* now, but am I different I enough? There’s the million dollar question…!
12/16/22 3:03 pm
How are you doing today?
I’m being incredibly lazy lol but had a productive morning! How are you?
Doing really well….. It’s been hard to not message you…..
I spent all day yesterday out riding with my best friend and I had fun but it felt off cuz I wasn’t riding with you
I’ve been thinking about buying a 1911, and was thinking of you…..
You are intoxicating…..
Hopefully not as a target! LOL
Not that kind of target…..
Lol
I know I’ve been kinda needy for work stuff but I’ve been trying to leave you alone. I want things to be going well for you
I’ve been holding back to much….. I’ve been thinking about you so much….. But haven’t sent……
I don’t know what you want from me darlin’
Ugggggg….. I don’t know…. You have a hold on me….
I have offered to leave [organization] before, would it have been different if you hadn’t heard from me about work the past few months?
I don’t think so……
Are you actually doing really well?
I haven’t felt passion since I was with you last……
Your happiness has to rest with yourself hon, I can’t fix anything for you
Would you like to ride on Monday?
Possibly, would depend what time?
Noon- to – five?
Or Wednesday same….
I can’t do that time Wednesday but Monday should work with a small chance I might run late depending on when I am done, I have a couple things that morning. That okay?
I think so…..
What about Tuesday?
I could leave ********* by 11:30a
Sure, or I could meet you there same time
Ooooh….. Nice. Maybe, ********* at 11:30a….. we could do a coast loop back to [my town]
You know me too well lol
I would love to make a loop with you……
I’ll plan on being in ********* then, just let me know if anything changes 🙂
Slow down darlin’
You can even sing in my ears a little bit….
Omg it’s so embarrassing that I even let you listen to my terrible singing
My Sena is SO much more reliable than my Cardo tho lol
ha! I miss having something sweet to eat on ……
I’ve really missed talking to you and I’ve wondered how things were going for you
Maybe now is a good time to mention that surgery I told you I had was gynecological lol and I’m still healing
I’m sorry, I was trying to give it a go…… but not so successfully……
Are you okay?
You’re cute
I’m great! I’m now sterile lol
oh my…..
I still hope you’re okay….
I thought you meant in relation to having surgery. Is that not what you were asking regarding me being okay?
Absolutely, wanting to know you are healthy and okay….Of course there are other okay’s as well…..
I’ve been great other than the times I’m not great lol
lol…. . OMG… I’ve been daydreaming about you for so long……
I’m good enough that a little flirting and avoiding answering my questions isn’t going to get you a green light into my bed lol
I miss being with you but I don’t like repeating unhealthy patterns
Ha! Aren’t you cute!
You seem to think so 😉
Although, I don’t think a bed is required, I think about my tongue doing lots of work and getting gushing in my mouth……
Sorry love, I’m not doing this.
I really understand….. it’s not fair……
Makes me feel terrible….. Sorry.
No matter what, the feelings don’t go away.
I never asked for fair lol but I do care about both of us being as healthy as possible and I just can’t
I’m not trying to make you feel bad
You don’t have to apologize and I’m not upset
Thank you for keeping it on the straight and narrow
This is always going to be impossible to manage if you can’t even admit to yourself what you want from me. I do my best to read your mind and I have my moments but that one I really don’t know and I don’t think you do either. That’s not super sustainable as we’ve seen
I wouldn’t judge you whatever the answer is but I’m not sure we can be anything without you figuring that out
How about we start with Tuesday at 11:30a in *********, going to almost *******, *** to ************ and the back roads to **********
Where you lead! Lol
If you’d like…..
As long as we’re talking bikes still I’m in lol
I hope our Sena headsets pair properly!
I would like to hear your voice too….
At home myself until 530 or so…..
I like you……
[Did you just TEXT me while we’re on the phone!? I see we’re back in high school already huh!?]
check yes, no or maybe….
[HAHAHA I’m going to have to pass on that unless you get REAL specific about the question! Cuz knowing you, you’re so indirect you could make an argument for my answer being in response to just about anything!!!]
It was great to hear your voice……
Same 🙂 and a break from texting is always welcome lol I get frustrated with my hands more and more these days 🙄
Thank you……
I’ve gotta drive, ttyl 💙
Even as badly as I want you I can’t let that continue leading us in circles darlin’ just so you know
Okay… Drive safe. Missing your touch…..
Thank you……
[LG liked ‘Thank you……’]
We talked on the phone for over 45 minutes. I have to admit, I was really hoping to hear him use my first name again – no such luck this time. I have this ridiculously unrealistic desire for him to use my first name in private and only use my last name that is the one I use exclusively now just when others are around. Pathetic! He did tell me, ‘I was a little heartbroken I didn’t see you at the banquet.’ What do I even do with that??? His timing is, as ever, just beyond words! I literally thought earlier in the day that I was finally ready to let go; it’s been MONTHS and he hasn’t given in and text me in spite of my pathetic attempts to reach out. It’s over. So, naturally that’s the day I finally hear from him. Right away he told me happy belated birthday and I thanked him but couldn’t help pointing out he’d already told me that via email more than a week ago; he said he knew but he still wanted to say it…makes me wonder, did he spend the entire day fighting the urge to text me just like I spent the entire day waiting to hear from him? Anyway, this gave me the perfect opening as I recently noticed I’ve never known what his birthday is, only the year. So I asked him and now his birthday is in my phone 🙂 Somehow knowing details like that makes me feel closer to people I care about.
He said he’s infatuated with me and this time I disagreed with him, telling him I think infatuation is a LOT easier to shake but he seemed uncertain, leading me to conclude perhaps ‘infatuation’ means something different to him than it does to me. For me, infatuation is a fairly short lived phase. I told Mr. Trustworthy a couple months ago that I totally had a crush on NJ and I did! I always enjoy flirting but there’s just no denying how panty-dropping sexy I find a man who is truly an expert skill level on two wheels 😂 But more than that, NJ is so damn level-headed and calm, he can handle anything I throw at him without batting an eye which is truly unique! And he is FUNNY AS HELL!!!!! Omg, his sense of humor is *constantly* catching me completely off guard; he’s always saying things that come from left field at me and just things that would never occur to me and I am always laughing my ass off thanks to NJ! Anyway, my crush definitely lasted for a few weeks, but then it passed as our friendship continued to build (and just as I expected). So when Mr. Trouble used the word infatuated for the second time to describe his feelings for me, to me that describes something very surface level, passing and changeable and easily discarded. Now I’m finally (almost a year after the first time he used that word) starting to realize my interpretation of that word is not at all what he was attempting to communicate. Indirect bastard! Lol.
I’ve learned a lot about Mr. Trouble and my’s relationship the past few months we’ve been apart. Between that and our conversations both via text and over the phone I’m starting to realize yet another way in which I am reflected in him…the hold I have over him is his desperate need for a chance to let go, escape, unwind, set down all his burdens. The need for a break, a chance to just NOT THINK, not even a little, just for a bit and know you are safe. Even how dreadfully indirect he likes to be when I ask him questions fits, he doesn’t want to make decisions or influence me, he wants ME to run the show, take the reins and let him sit back and completely unplug. No one understands this need better than I which makes me surprised it took so long to put the pieces together…then again I’m not sure he was being open and vulnerable enough for me to even be able to identify the pieces until this summer, so perhaps I get a pass. Turns out, empath that I am, I was getting more and more dominant in bed because I was subconsciously reacting to his needs and desires. That makes me feel a WHOLE lot better than when I was questioning my motives and concerned I might be doing it just to enjoy having power over him after giving him the power to (unknowingly) make me so miserable for so long in the past. I don’t think I ever truly believed that’s what was going on or I would’ve changed my behavior, but even asking the question didn’t feel great. I am far more comfortable understanding what I was truly doing for him…no wonder he feels I have a hold on him and he keeps coming back for more. He can’t help himself when desperation to submit is the motive, that I completely *understand*.
Mr. Trouble was caught just as off guard by our relationship as I was methinks. I dare say he never imagined that he’d fall for me, nor that I’d learn to understand and truly know him so well; he had no clue how much he’d come to trust me. Much as I’ve avoided getting into any level of detail about our last overnight together back on Sept 9th, it was the first time there was an intentional, preplanned power exchange between us. It’s definitely something we’d been flirting with through our actions but not anything we’d ever discussed…partly because the light bulb didn’t go off for me realizing that’s what he truly wanted, even needed, until Sept 8th! Lol.
9/8/22
God, I’m horny right now….
Mmm I want you… as always lol
Whatcha thinking about all worked up hmm handsome?
You on your knees and me giving you a little something….
Mmmm as long as you give me everything!
I’ve been thinking about that rather frequently too!
…among other things 😈😘
Mmmm hmmmm
Still don’t understand how you make me fell like this!!! Can’t wait to touch you
Ditto…..
You weren’t sore after I massaged your chest were you?
Not at all!
Good 🙂
I like seeing you so relaxed
Mmmmmm… I can’t wait for tomorrow night!
Can’t get here soon enough for sure!
I was thinking about leaving around 2p…. Do you wanna ride up together?
Want yea but I was planning to drive
ah, ok!
I know you don’t get much free time, I’m glad you spend some of it with me 😘
I do miss riding with you pretty badly
My pain level has just been an issue lately 🙄
Good job for managing it.
Meh, trying, been less successful than I’ve become accustomed to the last few weeks tho. Hopefully I’ve turned a corner 🤞👍
I’m DYING to ride especially now that the heat is letting up
Mkay in spite of appearances to the contrary, I am actually NOT a liquor store and I hate rye whiskey so I don’t have that, but I have a bunch of other options: Don Julio blanco; Crown royal black or vanilla; 4 different types of Mezcal; Bacardi rum pineapple, tropical or raspberry; woodford reserve; tullamore dew either single malt 14 yr or the tripple distilled 12 yr; eagle rare; flavored vodkas lemon, pear or whipped; ardbeg wee beastie 5 yr single malt scotch
Anything on that list you’d drink? I have a couple other random things like Pimm’s and Jim Beam Black lol
I buy waaaay more alcohol than I drink 😂
Surprise? 😘
Haha there are definitely a few on that list I have yet to try and am curious about…!
How do you always make me smile these ridiculous can’t-wipe-the-huge-grin-off-my-face smiles so damn easily!?
Charm, I guess?!?
You can be charming certainly but I think it’s more about *you* than just your charm I can’t help but react to 😘💙
Lol…. Goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow! 😉
Sweet dreams handsome
Good morning!
Good morning handsome, happy Friday!
Indeed! It is Friday!
I’m happy it’s here!
Mhmm me too
So whatcha think, feel like relaxing, letting go and letting me have my wicked way with you later?
I was hoping you were going to say that!
Mmmm good answer
Then for today, no worrying about me and no holding back okay?
Mmmmm Hmmmmm!
And only enough alcohol to help relax, I don’t want either of us drunk or even tipsy 😘 I rather intend to hold your attention and want you with me 😉
Deal!!!
Mmmm I can’t wait 😍
I’m starting to get antsy already!!!!
Me tooooooooooo
And I’m about to get naked and rubbed down for an hour lol
I’m in ******, massage at 10a
I’m half tempted to invite you over for a quickie…
Mmmm fuck that sounds good but I’d be in trouble for the weekend without the massage
I came down slightly early to get my car washed lol, had one left on the package I bought down here before I moved
I meant it was twenty minutes to 10…..lol..
Yep but I can’t get there and back downtown that fast including sex!
But now I’m soaking wet so thanks for that lol
Right before my massage!
LOL…. fair enough!!!
I *almost* hate you 🤣
ahhahahahahaa
But don’t worry, I have plans to help take the edge off before I really get to work on you later 😉😈💋
Oh, man!!!!
I’ll take good care of you 😘
I’m hoping so…….
Damn it… I’m hard as a rock….
Well, if you find yourself anything other than completely and utterly satisfied when I’m done with you, I’ll give you the reins! Work for you?
Yeah I am literally struggling to breathe I want you so bad
Works for me!!!!
😁
Now what can we bet on for if it will come to that? Cuz I like winning 😆
What sounds good to you????
Haha no clue I was just teasing you 💋💋💋
I’m already winning getting to have you in my life 😘
Oh boy… It’s noon already. It’s about time to start packing!
Yay! I just got a haircut 😁
Ask for extra towels when you check in darlin’
Will do!
I’m about to start packing now.. Got sidetracked on a phone call
Nice! I’m omw home for a quick post haircut shower then I will be ready to head north 🙂 planning to get there 3ish still?
I think 330p is now realistic
Okay, sounds good 💙
Text Mr. Trouble this link…also his text tone when he messages me 😂
I have to admit, I was nervous! I’ve never planned a scene before with the expectation of it becoming an immediate reality and I am quite certain Mr. Trouble has very little experience giving up control. I hadn’t put the pieces together until I sent him that super long list of alcohol choices and he wouldn’t pick, when I *know* he has definite preferences! But as soon as he responded with ‘Surprise?’ I realized he was, in his own way, begging me to take control and lift the weight of decision making from him. That’s not something I’d usually be willing, or even capable, of doing, but with us the groundwork had already been laid as I’d become more and more dominant with him in bed. We’d talked about fantasies enough that I easily put together a solid plan which would check some items off both of our wish lists…IF everything went according to plan.
I’ve never been dominant with men, only women; this was part of why I was questioning my motives earlier on as I noticed myself becoming more and more dominant with Mr. Trouble in bed. I truly didn’t realize at the time that I was responding to his unvoiced needs and desires, but it makes perfect sense now! Also, my experience being more dominant with women never extended into a power exchange, so this was truly my first time topping. I know how fragile and vulnerable one can be when they fully submit for the first time, and I wanted to give Mr. Trouble that opportunity, if he was ready. But FUCK is it an enormous responsibility! And knowing him, if I tried to discuss it with him too much he’d get intimidated and run the other direction, so I felt I had to walk a very fine line to make sure there was *enough* communication between us but not so much that I scared him away from a golden opportunity as we don’t get to spend the night together very often and I needed to be certain I’d be there for whatever aftercare he might need.
So, I began planning by making a list of ground rules/talking points I wanted us to cover in advance:
Does relaxing, letting go and letting me have my wicked way with you sound good?
Think you can trust me enough to follow my lead?
No guilt! I love you and I think you will enjoy what I have in mind but all that matters to me is getting to spend time with you so anything you don’t want to do we don’t, okay? You can not disappoint me. Do you believe me?
Don’t worry about me, TRUST me to know and communicate my limits and I will trust you to communicate with me too
Tap out means slow/break NOT that you did anything wrong, and YOU can tap out too rather than having to find words immediately
We only do things we both enjoy, anything you don’t like let me know right away
Only enough alcohol to help you relax, no getting drunk or even tipsy
Try to relax and let go, don’t think too much if you can avoid it
Cum whenever you want to, okay? You don’t need to hold back tonight
I totally admit I didn’t go over all of this verbatim with him, just cuz I knew it would be more than he could handle and most likely scare him off…oh yeah, then there’s also the part where I’d never actually said aloud ‘I love you’! But I wanted to make sure my head was in the right place and that I didn’t forget anything important before we got started, hence covering a couple of things casually via text in advance. It still somehow feels too intimate to go into the details of what followed…or perhaps that’s my excuse for avoiding thinking about it as it has been incredibly hard to forget and not dwell on…anyway everything went amazingly well, Mr. Trouble was *perfect* and my first foray into topping was definitely a success.
Getting back to the present, I really don’t know what to expect. As much as I love and care for him deeply, I won’t allow this relationship in my life if it can’t somehow be a healthy one for us both. That’s probably not possible and in my head I get that, but I love him and I’ve missed him and as I more or less indicated to Mr. Trustworthy when he said ‘you know he’ll come back’ after the break up, I always planned to give this another chance…just gotta figure out what exactly ‘this’ is between us. But I worked so long and fought so hard for my mental and emotional health, to heal and grow and change as much as I have. I truly am different now and I hope that’s enough for Mr. Trouble and I to finally be able to find a way to be friends…unethical as that probably is 😦
I know Mr. Trouble is like me in that he needs time to process and think about things before he’s ready to talk about it, so I’d planned on giving him a bit of time before again pressing him as to what he wants from me – I really don’t think we can be in contact for any length of time without us finally acknowledging the answer to this question. But then I went and had an aha! moment and figured it out FOR him, as I truly think he doesn’t know himself. I’m not sure he will be too thrilled by my conclusion that he is desperate to submit to someone, but I’ve underestimated him before so who knows?
12/17/22 6:04 am
Good morning, I have a theory for your consideration when you’ve got time to chat…although I’m not sure you’re going to like it tbh lol
6:51 am
Good morning…..
Would be better if I wasn’t always up SO DAMN EARLY! Haha
Yeah…… It sucks….
[pic] The dogs I’m currently sitting
I’m a sucker for a yellow lab…
[pic] First thing the other day
Nice! I had black ones when I was little, too
I didn’t know that 🙂 I’m looking forward to getting a dog again at some point
Have you thought about the choice of breed yet?
A ridiculous amount, as the next dob will need to be trained as a service dog as I lose function in my hands. My plan is a Welsh Springer Spaniel, should align very well with what I’ll need 🤞
And they have SPOTS!!! So #winning
😍
🤣
I didn’t know spots were the deal closer
Hahahaha…spots, freckles… I have my weaknesses 😂
I DO own a fucking bengal lol
But thank god J mostly keeps that spoiled rotten asshole 😆
Ha ha ha
I so wish I was joking 😛
I was so good and deleted your text tone and removed your contact picture and things like that and then you text me again and suddenly it was an issue again every time I got a text wondering if it was you so I had to go in and make changes again to your contact card 😅
And I’d deleted your name so it just said boss but then I went to text you a pic and nearly sent it to two different ***** in my phone and realized that was a disaster waiting to happen so I even had to put your NAME back in! *gasp* 🤣
😂
Yep. Lol
Pretty sunrise this morning here….
All the curtains are pulled here but I was just wondering about that actually
The view is completely blocked 🙄
Ugggg, sorry [pic]
Don’t be. You’re always so quick to apologize when we talk
Love it!
Apologizing for things one isn’t responsible for is a bad habit I’ve fought hard to shed and I highly recommend the change 😁
Less than 24 hrs and I’m already pushing you lol
Aren’t you cute!
I have heard a rumor to that effect…wonder where!? 🤔
😁
🙃
[12 pics]
Mkay now you’re pretty much caught up 🙂
Wow!
Been spending a lot of time with dogs, friends and at concerts 😁
Good for you! Looks like you’re having fun
I’m happier than I’ve ever been
Still working on some things but that’s just life right lol
👍
Even this time last year feels like another life, a different person
Doesn’t mean I haven’t missed you. But more often than not I wasn’t missing you because I was down or sad, usually I was missing you when I was happy or excited and couldn’t tell you about it
I missed sharing things with you too
I know you don’t like how often I put the ball in your court but hopefully you understand why I have to sometimes
I do..
I’m glad. When you’re ready to hear it let me know cuz I have a hunch I figured out the answer to that question I always ask you. I could be wrong but I kinda doubt it and I’m not sure how thrilled you’ll be with my conclusions lol but you know how I roll these days, honesty lol
And that’s where the conversation ended for the moment. In his defense, it was getting to be normal human hours so it was around the usual time for him to drop off anyway seeing as he’s my MARRIED BOSS who has a FAMILY. Ugh…yeah, I wish things were different. But so many things would have to be different I just can’t afford to start wishing away my reality; gotta remain in the present and do the best I can…
It’s interesting to notice that while texting and talking on the phone with Mr. Trouble was intense yesterday, today I’m able to take a step back and let go a bit rather than hanging on so tightly to any scrap of attention from him. It hit me hard when he told me over the phone that he was a little heartbroken I wasn’t at the banquet, and his flirting and trying to get me sexting certainly felt good and turned me on, but for once it wasn’t just words when I halted those threads of the conversation, I actually was able to let it go mentally rather than being stuck with it on repeat in my head as has always been the case in the past. Maybe this means I will indeed finally prevail at keeping a cool head when it comes to Mr. Trouble!?! 🤞
I’m not sure how much time I can give him before we address the elephant in the room and talk about what he truly wants from me, but I do know it’s finite and on the shorter side for sure. I’m really looking forward to going riding together next week and I hope he doesn’t have to cancel last minute, but if he does I know I’ll still be okay. I can’t count how many times I’ve wondered these past few months if I rode with him for the last time and that thought saddened me immensely. Because I’m losing the use of my hands there just isn’t that much time in the future for me to ride, so even if things changed between us it could’ve been too late to get to do that again. But, even if it doesn’t work out, just that fact that he wanted to, asked me to go with him and made a plan to do it means more than I want it to lol. I can’t lie, his implication of ending our ride at my place so we could hook up was slightly tempting…it’s just not worth it to me anymore, for SO many reasons. I think that when we talk about what he really wants from me it will alter our relationship forever, hopefully in a positive way. But I can’t risk waiting too long for him to be ready to discuss it and remain in this historically destructive holding pattern with so little clarity again. If he wants to be in my life again, he’s going to have to be brave. I truly hope he has it in him…
I am royally fucked! I chose him because he was safe; married, busy living his own life, a nonjudgmental friend with whom I have some common interests. Now our foray into BDSM together has happened all of *twice* and it might already be too late for me…
After we played last Wednesday, I finally figured out why I’ve been having debilitating anxiety attacks lately – it’s due to the antidepressant I’m in the process of weaning off. Apparently this particular one is known for often causing withdrawal symptoms including migraines and anxiety…oh joy. At least now I knew I wasn’t crazy. After getting off the narcotics I expected to be done with withdrawal symptoms so this caught me totally off guard.
So, I text Mr. Trustworthy Thursday morning explaining what was going on and admitting that I feel like I’ve been acting out of character a lot lately. Him just being who he is, he reacted by offering that I can always lean on him. But that was exactly the opposite of where I was headed…I told him I’m concerned because I don’t feel like I can trust myself with all the craziness going on with me currently, that it would be smart to back things off between us until I’m feeling more like myself. He said he didn’t want to abandon me when I need a shoulder; can’t quite imagine anything he could’ve said that would’ve hit closer to home. I was totally not prepared for that!
I told him that I’d be devastated if I did something to fuck up our friendship, wanting him to understand this wasn’t me rejecting him at all. Naturally that lead him to asking what I could do to ruin our friendship? Talk about the very LAST question I wanted to answer! But it only seemed fair, so I expressed my hesitation but told him I’d answer if he really needed me to. ‘Give me an idea’ haha I wouldn’t be so hesitant if I could be vague about it! So I did what I do with him and forced myself to tell him the truth: expose what we’ve been up to. I would never do so intentionally, but I’d fucked up big time Wednesday afternoon and *still* haven’t told him.
It seems the list of sins I’m keeping from Mr. Trustworthy just grows longer and longer…is my hesitation to tell him the truth increasing because of all these stupid *feelings* I never expected? When did he go from safe to whatever this crushing feeling is? I’m falling for him and I am so furious with myself – I know better! I’ve already all but guaranteed I’m going to get hurt at some point; no wonder I’m scared to talk to him about tough shit now. I wasn’t ever supposed to be at risk of actually getting hurt! That was never meant to be on the table with this relationship. It was supposed to be convenient, fun, easy, drama free, about our friendship and having a good time. Maybe I can’t submit to someone without getting attached… I thought I could but had never put it to the test before. And no surprise, now that I’ve gotten to submit to him it’s nearly all I can ever think about! I’m going crazy trying to stay away from him…
Which, just to be clear, I am absolutely and totally failing at even after saying we should take a step back last Thursday! I made it all the way to Friday before admitting to him, ‘I’m a little bit crazy about you lol. It’s not even fair how things between us have affected me. I thought it would be less intense than it has been.’ And then things devolved into sexting from there…I literally couldn’t even contain myself for ONE day.
Then I proceeded to sink to a new low when Mr. Trustworthy was otherwise engaged and unable to help me get off. Once again, Mr. Trouble was headed out of town for work for the weekend and more or less invited me along. If I hadn’t already scheduled something for first thing Saturday morning I have no idea if I would’ve been able to resist. Just the sheer level of temptation I experience when I’m talking to Mr. Trouble is seemingly unexplainable!
Sure, I recognized from the moment we met that Mr. Trouble and I have some sort of out of this world, insanely powerful chemistry. Even so, I was being 100% honest with Mr. Trustworthy when I talked to him about Mr. Trouble a few weeks ago, explained the history and that I had zero desire to ever actually take things to a physical level with him. This was based primarily on two things, my assessment of his character (a.k.a. his lack of integrity/trustworthiness) and my sixth sense telling me Mr. Trouble is not a rough sex kinda guy.
Seeing as neither of these things have changed, why the hell am I stirring shit up and so deeply tempted by the idea of heading out of town with him? Mr. Trouble and I talked on the phone for nearly two hours Friday evening, a colossally bad idea on my part. I have literally no explanation for my behavior beyond that I was worked up and Mr. Trouble was available. Even more confounding is the fact that I actually verified how extremely vanilla Mr. Trouble is in bed…on that at least I didn’t initiate it, but I had referenced more than once the fact that I like rough sex and thus didn’t believe we’d be compatible in bed anyway. True but not something Mr. Trouble needed to know!
As if that wasn’t bad enough, things went further. Surprising though it may be, we didn’t actually spend all that time flirting or talking about sex; I almost think I’d feel less guilty if that had been the case. But no, my dumb ass actually talked to Mr. Trouble, as in the voluntary sharing of personal details with nothing to be gained for doing so. I told him stories about how I grew up and I don’t even remember what else. I just talked, like I would with an actual friend rather than someone I’m annoyingly attracted to but don’t trust. I even told him I’d called things off with my FWB.
WHY did I say that!? It wasn’t even all that true by this point because Mr. Trustworthy and I had talked earlier about getting together again once my anxiety attacks calm down and the two of us had been sexting that same day! All I can think is that maybe I wanted to see how Mr. Trouble would react to the news? Or was I just trying to convince myself I didn’t need to feel guilty having these conversations with Mr. Trouble behind Mr. Trustworthy’s back? Fuck if I know…
I guess the appeal with Mr. Trouble could be the fact that I don’t expect to actually see him in person anytime in the foreseeable future? Whereas I spent my weekend waking up before dawn so I could go be around Mr. Trustworthy…I did mention that I’m royally fucked, right!?
I guess that’s where grit comes in to play, which (for better or worse!) I have in spades. I’m so stubborn they say Mules are as stubborn as ME! Haha. Ugh…everything inside of me just feel so complicated and uncertain right now as I face this stuff and work through the effects on my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy – I don’t think some of this would even be possible for me to work through if I didn’t have him and all that we’ve built together. 
LifestyleGambler 