Evolution

So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading

Opening Up

Today I told B about the abuse I endured when I was 18. It was a big step with him because I know he is attracted to damaged girls and likes to feel needed. I like B and I want him, but I don’t need him. I want our relationship to be healthy for both of us (as well as our spouses!), so telling him things that make me feel vulnerable and make him feel the urge to protect me is of some concern. I think the conversation went well, he was supportive and sensitive without overreacting in any way. B had some questions based on things we’ve talked about that I could only answer with this story, and I felt like I was creating drama by hiding this secret. So, I took the plunge.

This was the first time I’ve discussed the abuse since I came to terms with some of it earlier this year. The experience was interesting; I’ve definitely let go of most of the shame and guilt that I use to feel. I am really proud of myself for no longer believing the abuse was my fault and blaming myself. I think the fact that I have a healthier understanding of what happened helped prevent issues arising when I told B. I don’t think I came off as a broken girl, I think I came off as a survivor. B is so kind and attentive I don’t know why every girl who knows him isn’t in love with him! He was very grateful that I was willing to talk to him about this aspect of my past, and I think it helped strengthen our developing relationship. Hopefully B’s reaction is a positive sign for how he will handle learning more of my secrets and my dark past, particularly the things that I do still feel shame or guilt about. At this point I believe things are going to be serious between us and I think I will tell him everything about my past. I just hope opening up and trusting him with everything ends up being a positive for us and not a negative.

That’s all for now, more to come!

I Haven’t Forgotten

A couple nights ago I had a dream, one I can’t quite shake. I don’t often think about V; I dream about him even more rarely. I don’t remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember him in bed with H and I. We were all naked, but V was separate from H & I. H was touching me and kissing me, but I wasn’t into it. I kept looking at V and wanting him; I didn’t understand why he wasn’t involved, why he wasn’t touching me. I dissociated from what H was doing and was completely focused on V. After a few minutes H stopped and I went to V. He had gotten up from the bed, so I followed. 

 

This is where the dream became so vivid it takes my breath away just thinking about it as I type. V looked at me, and I saw everything his eyes held back when I was sixteen and he was twenty four. I could see the affection he had for me, I could see his desire, and so much more in his eyes as he looked at me. I saw a future that I desperately want, filled with love, family, children. After an instant and an eternity of V looking down at me like that, he opened his arms and I wrapped myself in his embrace. I could feel his body against me, I felt the way we fit together. Its been over six years since last I touched him, and yet I had him in my arms once again in that damn dream. 

 

As soon as I looked into V’s eyes, it was as if H didn’t exist. V kissed me, and his lips were air to my drowning soul. I felt so strong, beautiful, safe and loved. All of my self-doubt, self-hatred, all of my complicated feelings and worries were just gone. In V’s arms I felt worshiped. More than that even, I felt understood completely. It’s difficult to convey adequately what his touch inspired in me, but it was everything I’ve ever wanted to feel. There was no rush; we took our time, we connected. The entire time H was nowhere to be seen. I trusted V with all that I am. Much as I’m not a fan of the phrase, we made love. After, H reappeared in my dream, but he was the 3rd wheel rather than my partner and my husband. V held me and whispered, “I love you.” 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was only a dream. I understand this isn’t how it was in real life. I truly don’t believe V ever loved me. But I did love him, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children. I’ve never felt that way about any other man. It’s funny, I didn’t actually realize that until just now, reflecting on this dream and my feelings. I love H, and I am so grateful to have him. I would never leave him. But, he isn’t someone I’d want to have children with. We are too different. Trying to raise children with H would be a never ending battle. That’s not what I want. So, when I tell H I don’t want children, it isn’t a lie. It’s true that I don’t want to raise children with him. But once upon a time, I desperately wanted children. For me, it comes down to trust. I trust H with my life, but I don’t trust him to be there forever, through thick and thin, no matter what. That’s what I’d need to be willing to have children. When V swore to me we’d be together, I believed him. He’s the only man that ever had my complete trust. I gave him all of me, and I’m not sure I ever got it all back.

 

If there’s one thing that’s become very clear to me since I’ve begun this blog, it’s that my submissiveness is not something I can hide or deny any longer. It’s ironic that I’d have such a dream about V now, when I’m so much more clear about what I want in a relationship, things that V could never have given me. H and I have been having a rough time. It’s nobody’s fault, we are just very different. We think differently, we communicate differently, we assume differently, we understand differently. It’s a constant battle for us to be on the same page. We are fighting, and we are fighting hard for our marriage. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s tiring. It leaves me feeling hollow, empty, lacking. Not all the time, but often enough. Things have been getting better, slowly but surely. H still makes me happy, we still love one another, we still want to be together. But I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind things being easy for a while.

 

I imagine that’s where this dream came from. Now that I’ve given it more thought, it does sound like just the break I want: being with the only man who ever had my trust without reservation, the man I wanted to raise children with. I get that the dream was just a fantasy, an idealized version of what was. It’s still hard to know what I felt in that dream is forever out of reach. V was the second man I ever went to bed with. I had a boyfriend before him, Z. We were both 16, and we only dated for one summer. I loved Z, still do in fact. Z is pretty messed up, his home life was a mess too. We both had anger issues and other emotional problems. The thing that gets me about Z is that I begged him not to promise he’d always love me. I begged him, because I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew I wouldn’t be the girl that gets the storybook happily ever after ending with her first love. I know that I have a hard time letting go. I also knew that if Z promised he’d always love me, I’d never be able to completely let him go. Because hearing him say it validated my always loving him. I don’t want to love him, but a part of me always will. He doesn’t feel the same. 

 

After being betrayed by so many men, at some point it’s tough to not see myself as the only common factor, as the root of the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be a saint. I’ve made a lifetime’s worth of mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll make many more. But I wasn’t wholly responsible either. I was a vulnerable, confused, hurting kid. I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn’t the adults who chose to use and abuse me. I can’t get the bitter taste out of my mouth because that damn dream forced me to relive so much of how I felt, of how innocent I was. Even when I’ve dreamed about being raped, or about E’s abuse, I rarely am this shaken up for this long. I had so much taken from me because nobody protected me, and I didn’t know how to protect myself. I want to let go of the past, I want to let go of the baggage. I just don’t know how. I want to be more connected with H, I want to help him understand me. I just don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am. I want to be happy, I want my marriage to be stronger. I want H to truly know who I am, I want us to trust one another with everything we are. I just have to find the right way; we have to find our path…

My Fellow Lonely Subs

Since beginning this blog, I’ve been slowly connecting with other subs via their blogs. I’ve learned a lot, and am grateful to be connecting to an entire community of people who can relate to my experiences and desires. However, there’s a topic I haven’t yet addressed and I’d love to get other’s input. 

 

As my “About” page explains, I am not in a BDSM relationship despite my desire for one. Nor have I ever been in one, although I have been abused. While I do understand the difference, I must admit as a masochist and a submissive I had a major identity crisis once free of the abuse. How was I suppose to separate my desires from the horrors I had encountered? How was I suppose to accept myself for who I am without also blaming myself for having been battered? It’s taken years, and the process is ongoing. However, I’m slowly getting there. 

 

What I’ve been considering lately likely has more to do with my masochism than my submissiveness, and is rooted in my past. However, I am who I am because of where I’ve been. As a teenager I relied on self harming for a very long time. I doubt I will ever be free of the impulse, and sometimes I have to wonder what’s healthy and what isn’t. For example, in my post I Won’t Go Down Without A Fight (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-ck) I mentioned my outing to the Adult Store. In spite of the fact that I went specifically to purchase my first butt plug, my interest was caught by an entirely different product:

 

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This Icicles No. 38 flogger’s handle is made out of hand blown glass, with swirls providing texture. It can be heated or cooled for temperature play and is body safe. It’s hardly new news to me that I want to be flogged, but I was totally unprepared for the visceral reaction I had to seeing this particular product. Sadly I didn’t buy it as I seriously doubt H would be okay with me even owning such a thing, let alone wanting to use it. However, not owning a flogger certainly hasn’t curtailed my fantasies in the least. I can’t hardly cum anymore without imagining being flogged, bound, humiliated etc. etc. Arriving at my point: how do you subs handle it when you don’t have a dom? 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an intelligent, strong woman. I have a successful career and know how to take care of myself, in addition to having a wonderful husband. I don’t need a keeper. What I haven’t figured out is how to handle my less vanilla needs, particularly since H isn’t interested in assisting with that. I suppose craving pain is normal for a masochist, right? So, it’s okay for me as a masochistic submissive to let someone else hurt me, but I can’t hurt myself…See where I’m confused? FML. Is it only motivation that makes hurting oneself bad? I did it out of desperation when I was younger; it was a way to exert control when I was powerless and a way to cope with emotional trauma. I made a promise to myself years ago to never again go to such atrocious lengths to survive. A promise I’ve never broken, but now the temptation has a different flavor. I don’t want to hurt myself because I hate myself, I want to hurt myself because nobody else will and I want the pain so badly, I crave it, I need it. I’m going crazy and I have no idea how to handle it. 

 

 

 

 

Power and Control: Understanding Abuse, and How BDSM is Different

Recently I was cleaning up my email accounts and went in to my oldest account, from when I was in high school. There are very few things still attached to that account, but one or two things of interest still show up once in a while. That’s why I log in occasionally. What I wasn’t expecting was to see was an email from E, only a couple days old. I’ve always known E had that email address, but he hasn’t tried to email me in years, so I’d kind of assumed I didn’t need to worry about it. E has tried to contact me occasionally in the past, but not in a long time. After I cut off contact and blocked him on FB, he text me once. I responded politely asking who it was, then asked if I knew him. Convinced him a new person had my cell #. He never called or texted again. It wasn’t easy though. I very likely had a panic attack in fact. I don’t know that I’ve ever had one otherwise, but thinking back on it I was terrified.

In many ways, I was a classic domestic violence victim. Even after E was out of my life and had moved out of the state, I was still always looking over my shoulder. I was afraid he would come after me, try to hunt me down. Hurt me more, again. Thoughts of E and my fear of him consumed my life. I tried to leave him three or four times at least, but he had systematically destroyed what little self esteem I had when we met and layered guilt on top of the ruins of my former confidence. E threatened to commit suicide if I left him. I was also afraid he would hurt people I love if I angered him. E knew where I lived, where my Mom lived, where my sister lived. He knew where I worked. I believed he was an alcoholic, and that he had anger management and depression issues. But that’s not true at all.

As a victim I wasn’t able to identify the patterns of behavior of my batterer. In fact, E was very controlled. E had high self-esteem. E was charming, like most batterers. He was a skilled manipulator. E never lost his temper with his boss, his coworkers, his friends or family. The only time E was ever anything other than a perfect gentleman was in private, alone with me. E only got drunk a hand full of times in the year that he abused me. While those nights were never easy, in truth they weren’t any worse than when E was sober either. As I was only 18 at the time, I had no real concept of what the normal consumption of alcohol was like. I assumed E’s drinking was a problem, something he couldn’t control. I thought he was an angry drunk. I now realize that E had fun when he drank; he was always smiling and laughing, until we were alone. He only drank when it was appropriate, such as when he had a couple days off from work. E didn’t drink to cope with stress, or drink until he was blackout drunk. E didn’t need to drink, as an alcoholic would. Part of why I was first attracted to E was his easygoing, friendly, upbeat personality. No pun intended. So, now I’ve ruled out depression (and low self esteem) as reasons for his behavior.

E’s control over himself seems obvious now, but at the time I was unable to comprehend the fact that someone in control of themselves would be capable of inflicting upon another person the things he did to me. It’s a coping mechanism, assuming E’s out of control, that there were reasons for him to abuse me. I fabricated excuses for him as discussed, convincing myself none of it was his fault. It was mine. Batterers are masters of avoiding accountability and victim blaming. I fell for all of it. I vividly remember confiding to my best friend after he’d left the state about the abuse. Her response was, “What did you do, burn the roast!?” Which, if you don’t recognize it, is a family guy quote. Point is, even if I had burned dinner, it still wouldn’t have been my fault. No victim, in any way, causes their batterer to abuse them. Violence is a choice. It is not acceptable for any reason. Everyone has the right to live a life free of violence.

For me, understanding how batterers think and work has been extremely important in helping me begin to let go of these experiences. The shame, guilt, disgust, pessimism and fear never left, even after E did. There is a seven stage cycle of abuse which shrinks over time as a batterer asserts more and more control over their victim. When I realized that E fit in to this cycle, it was another step in the right direction for me of realizing E was a batterer, which is not something I had control over at any time. The cycle is:

  1. Incidence of Abuse (this follows #7)
  2. Expression Guilt (the batterer does not actually feel guilty, but is attempting to ensure the victim remains available in the future and/or that the batterer will not be caught or face consequences for their actions.)
  3. Rationalization/Minimization (the batterer gives reasons why it isn’t their fault, and blames the victim. Ex. I wouldn’t have reacted that way if you hadn’t _____.)
  4. “Normal (or Honeymoon) Phase” (interactions with the batterer are superficially ‘better’, allowing the victim to fall in to a false sense of safety/security.)
  5. Fantasizing (the batterer imagines in their head how they would react in situations involving the victim. Ex. If ____ forgets to _____ again, I’m going to _____.)
  6. Planning (the batterer begins to think about how to turn their fantasies into reality. This may include deciding what the victim has done wrong and how the abuser will make the victim pay for these wrongs.)
  7. Set Up (the batterer puts their plan in to action, with built in justification for the next incidence of abuse.)

As the batterer becomes more confident in their control over their victim, stages of this cycle begin to disappear. Often, #2 and 4 go right out the window. The batterer becomes so confident in their control of the situation and the victim they feel no need to express false guilt or allow for a “normal” phase to ensure the victim’s compliance.

At this point, I’ve gained the greatest tool in recovering from my past abuse that I’ve ever encountered. No amount of individual or group therapy, nor time or changes in lifestyle had any impact on my feelings of responsibility for being a victimized. But, learning how batterers think, work, plan, their personality traits, and understanding for myself how clearly E fit in to that category, that finally made the difference for me. Prior to learning all of this, I truly believed I was different from every other victim out there. Of course it wasn’t their fault they were abused, but I was different. The truth is, we are all individuals, in unique situations. That doesn’t mean that the abuse was my fault, or within my ability to stop. This leads me in to my next topic: Why do victims stay? Why don’t they leave?

There are more answers to those questions than I could ever possibly cover, but there are several important things I can share on this topic. First of all, it takes a victim on average 7-9 attempts to leave their abuser before they are successful. I personally attempted to leave E at least 3 or 4 times, possibly more. I don’t recall exactly. One of the many reasons I always felt guilty was because I went back. Now I realize I did exactly what most domestic violence victims do, I tried and failed, and tried again. Leaving an abuser is a process, not an event. As I touched on earlier, there were many compelling reasons for me to fear E, as there are for any victim to fear their abuser. As in my case, batterers isolate their victims. The victim is cut off from contact with friends, family, coworkers and everyone else who could possibly provide a support system as much as possible. The abuser learns of the existence of all the people the victim cares about in order to implement the isolation, and therefore potentially poses a legitimate threat to all of these people. Children are also commonly used against the victim as a means of control. Although I didn’t have children, I was terrified not only for myself, but also on behalf of those I loved if I angered E.

In addition to physical abuse, victims are often subject to other types of abuse as well. This may include emotional, psychological, sexual, financial and other types of abuse. Batterers systematically destroy the self esteem of their victim, convincing them they are worthless and untrustworthy. A victim may not be able to depend on themselves enough to make even basic decisions as a result of ongoing abuse, thus erecting a powerful barrier to escaping abuse. Sexual abuse is also common. Sexuality is used as a weapon agains the victim, further eroding their self esteem and convincing them no one else would want them. Batterers are often in control of all financial resources, and may not allow the victim to work. This causes the victim to have no means of supporting themselves and their children if they leave their abuser. These are just a small number of the many reasons victims stay.

My advice to anyone who is confided in by a victim of domestic violence is, don’t ask them why they stay. This would most likely be interpreted as blaming the victim, which speaking from experience is the last thing they need. Instead, listen to them. Tell them you care about them and support them. Assure them you will help if they want it, or just give a friendly ear if that’s all they’re ready for. Ultimately, the victim is the person who can most accurately judge when it’s the best time to leave. Don’t every tell a victim they need to leave, get a restraining order, or anything else. A victim doesn’t need told what to do or questioned on their decisions, their abuser is already doing exactly that. If possible, help victims connect with local resources, professionals who are better equipped to help them, but only if that’s what they want. Otherwise, just support them unconditionally.

I hate going to my annual exam. I’m sure a lot of women dislike that particular time of year, but I absolutely hate it. Every year I seriously consider not going, risking my health rather than facing that particular appointment. I have a very specific reason for this, I find answering the questions asked at an annual exam nearly impossible. They always ask if I’ve ever been raped (or ‘the victim of a sexual assault’). How do I answer that? I was terrified E was going to kill me. He forced me to have sex on a regular basis. But I never said “no”; I never said “stop”; I never fought him. I thought if I didn’t submit completely he would kill me. I was afraid for my life, so I let E use me. But that’s been the flaw in my thinking all along; I didn’t “let” him – I survived. Cliché, yes. However, it’s also the truth. As a victim of domestic violence, my consent was not ever a consideration for E. This wasn’t because I’m submissive by nature, it’s because E made the choice to be abusive. I’ve only recently made that distinction, but it makes all the difference.

In my relationship (I’m using that word very loosely here) with E, I had no power. There was no trust involved. I didn’t have the ability to consent, as E never allowed me any option other than to surrender to his will. Even then, I wasn’t safe. Surrender was simply the safest option available to me at the time. BDSM is, when practiced correctly, the polar opposite. In any group, one can find those who are abusive; however such people are the exception, not the rule. There are a couple of very important concepts in BDSM: SSC and RACK. SSC stands for Safe, Sane, Consensual; RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Regardless of which participants prefer, they both include the key word (at least in my case): consent. There is a wealth of reading material available on SSC and RACK, so I won’t delve into them deeply at this point, but hopefully after reading the preceding information about abuse the difference in practicing BDSM is apparent.

 

For me, BDSM is a power exchange at its core. All participants: top, bottom, dom, domme, submissive, slave or otherwise must recognize all other parties’ power to consent and withdraw that consent at any time. Thus, even when deep in a scene and appearing to be completely without control, the bottom still holds the power to stop the scene. No matter how much power the top has, it will still always be secondary to the power the bottom holds simply by consenting. How is this possible? Trust. The top has to trust that the bottom will safe word if the scene becomes too much, that the bottom won’t allow themselves to be truly harmed. In return, the bottom has to trust that the top will respect their hard limits, their safe word, and any other factors which have been negotiated. BDSM is the practice of fulfilling complementary desires on a consensual basis.

 

Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, and masochists such as myself enjoy receiving that pain. That does not in any way override the issue of consent. Everyone has their limits, and the right to have them respected. Everyone has the right to not live in fear; this is just as true in BDSM as in the vanilla world. The trust between practitioners of BDSM runs very deep, it is a vital element. It is easy to understand how, on the surface, BDSM looks no different from abuse. However, with just a little analysis, the difference becomes clear. I personally have only limited experience in BDSM, but quite a lot of experience with abuse. I hope what I’ve learned can help others understand not only the differences between abuse and BDSM, but also how to recognize abuse and gain a better understanding of batterers and the choices they make. While the bottom in a BDSM scene has chosen to accept that role, no one ever chooses to become a victim.

 

P.S.

I will likely continue my discussion of this topic, as there is so much more to say. However, I’ve been working on crafting this post for weeks now and don’t wish to wait any longer to share what I have so far. Thank you for reading!

Telling H that I’m a Sub

Telling H about my submissive needs is not something I ever wanted to do. But, there are a lot of things I never wanted to tell H, and it all comes out in the end. I was going through a period of obsession. I was stressed at work, feeling unfulfilled in my off time, and not getting nearly enough sex. I was craving a chance to submit so badly I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I was irritable and withdrawn. This went on for months and got progressively worse, until H simply couldn’t accept my excuses any longer.

Boy was I unprepared for this conversation. I will go in to more detail perhaps another time, but long story short I was in an abusive relationship for about a year, which only ended when E decided to join the military. I still don’t know that I would’ve gotten out before he killed me otherwise. H knows some about this, but struggles to understand. It’s a topic I avoid if at all possible.

So, H sits me down and demands I explain what’s wrong. I use all my best excuses to no avail; H has heard them all too many time & too often in this case. By my own choice/personality, I never tell H no. I’ve mentioned this to him on a few occasions, but he didn’t really understand the significance. So, without any preparation at all, I suddenly have to try to explain my submissive needs and desire for a BDSM relationship to H.

I choke out everything I can think of to explain, and H tells me that sounds like abuse. Great. Now I get to talk about my favorite topic, E. I explained that if H topped me, I would know that I would always be able to stop him if I needed to. That I would know he would always respect my safe word, that he loves me and wants to fulfill my desires. No dice. H still thinks spanking me til I scream or forcing me to deep throat him with no warning, possibly no reciprocation, and maybe even when I’m not in the mood, sounds like abuse.

Next, I get to explain in agonizing detail exactly why what E did to me was abusive. How I didn’t have the right to say no. How I couldn’t make him stop for any reason. How afraid of him I was. How he never took care of me or my needs. How threatening E was. How he would literally abuse me until I was unconscious and never slow down in using me. How he isolated me and controlled every aspect of my life. How E allowed me no privacy, ever. How many times I gave up, resigned to the fact that this might very well be the time when he finally kills me; this will be the time I don’t get to walk out of this room.

I remember, years ago, a conversation about that became about E. I have a lot of trouble going to my annual exams because of the type of questions they ask. Have I ever been raped? Obviously, the simple answer is “no”. But how truthful is that? H told me, in no uncertain terms and at length, that I’d never been raped. I willingly went to see E, didn’t I? I never said “No” or “Stop” did I? Of course not. So, obviously, I wasn’t raped. I was stunned by H’s lack of empathy and understanding. Didn’t he realize saying “No” or “Stop” to E would’ve likely signed my death warrant? I was so stunned I didn’t even try to argue. I just accepted what he said silently, but it had haunted me ever since.

Now, after explaining (to the best of my unprepared ability) my submissive nature and needs, and explaining how H topping me would be nothing like E’s abuse, H finally understands. I reminded him of that conversation, and he apologized. Now he says I was raped. But, much like the invisible scars of what E did to me, I can’t banish the feelings of worthlessness, responsibility, and self-loathing H reinforced when he insisted, with such certainty, that I willingly accepted everything E ever did.

Somewhere in there, I also tried to explain how H would have control over me even though H would always have to respect my safe word if I used it, essentially meaning I as the sub hold all the control as H argued. Now, there’s a ton of validity to this, but discussing it with someone who is absolutely clueless about BDSM relationships isn’t going to clarify anything. So there I sit, having just relinquished one of my deepest secrets and having discussed in terrifying detail one some of the worst experiences of my life, all needy and vulnerable, and H is just arguing with me that what I’m saying I want is impossible. This is not going well. At all.

Great. So, my secret’s out. H knows I’m submissive. He asked some very good, very reasonable questions. Most of which I epically failed at attempting to answer. I was far too emotionally overwrought for this conversation, if I’m to be honest. I know he wants me to be happy and find our sex life fulfilling. Hello, that’s how we became swingers. It’s not that I enjoyed hiding this deeply imbedded part of myself from H, it’s just that I knew he wouldn’t understand. H proved me right.

I admit, he’s spanked me more often and harder while we’re having sex since this conversation a few months ago. But that’s been the only change. He doesn’t ask what I want, or what he can try. I think he’d be horrified by most of my fantasies. H certainly isn’t about to tie me down and spend an hour spanking me with various implements, making me scream and cry as foreplay. I’m afraid that he’s never going to meet these needs. That scares me. Also, thanks to my experiences with E, I’m terrified of trusting anyone else (such as the people we swing with) to top me. Even if I was brave enough to let someone other than my husband top me, I’m afraid this would take something valuable away from our relationship. I know some subs have Doms who are not their spouse, but is that truly as fulfilling as being a sub for your spouse? I don’t know.

I don’t know if, given time, H will learn to be a Dom. I know he likes having the control some times, but will he ever be able to force me to the depths of submission I need to feel complete and sated? I think it unlikely. Even if he can, even if he wants, to eventually become that, can I wait that long? What’s a sub to do?

Much as I anticipated, finally telling H about my submissiveness did not leave me feeling better about our relationship. I felt like I’d been kicked and pushed aside, left behind. I realize he didn’t do anything wrong, but I was (and still am to be honest) so demoralized but his inability to understand and his aggressive insistence that what I described wasn’t feasible, that I’m still trying to figure out how to recover now, months later. Where do I, where do we as a couple, go from here?