Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

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Looking Back on 2016

I’ve had a full year! It’s hard to believe I was suicidal this time last year. A couple months ago my boss let us know we would have performance evaluations by the end of the year and gave us a … Continue reading

You Need To Talk To Him

So here’s the thing, the biggest issue with the wife is how much she reminds me of myself and things I’ve grown to hate within myself. I’m insecure, always have been. I don’t easily believe others want me, like me, care for me. Even when I’m finally convinced of such feelings, I see them as temporary and don’t trust that they will continue. That I’m deserving. The wife has significant anxiety issues. She didn’t graduate from high school. She has chronic migraines and because of that only works part-time. At first I thought I could see us as being friends because we have a lot in common, but now I realize all of those things cause me not to want to be friends with her; not to want to even expend the energy to text or talk with her. I don’t respect her because she seems so incredibly weak no matter what the situation or topic is. I don’t want to be the one who is looked up to, I want to surround myself with people I feel have strengths I don’t, people I feel can help support my becoming more the person I want to be. As I keep saying, it all comes down to how selfish I am.

 

It’s funny, I remember when I first started dating H I was concerned that he had an entitlement problem, possibly due to his family’s relative affluence. I learned pretty quickly that although he loves shiny things and new toys, he’s a hard worker and a responsible, trustworthy man. Really taking a look at myself, it seems after all this time I’m the one with the entitlement issue, and it’s nowhere near new. When I was with V I was outraged at all of the people who tried to separate us. I didn’t care that I was closer in age to his daughter than to him; I didn’t care that he was still married. I didn’t care about anything but getting what I needed at the time, and he gave me attention, told me he loved me. That we’d be together, get married, have babies, open a martial arts school together and live happily ever after. Obviously that’s not what happened. But I honestly thought, “Who do these people think they are? Telling me I have no RIGHT to be friends with a man because he’s married!? I have EVERY right.” And that’s continued to be my motto, “I have every right.” No consideration for the consequences on other people. Completely unwilling to consider reality and the possibility that I, in fact, do not have any such right to any relationship. Relationships take work because they are a privileged, something living which needs to be maintained over time.

 

Last night H and I watched the Gilmore Girls revival and I cried straight through the last three episodes. H was surprised and trying to understand why I was so upset about a T.V. show and we ended up talking late into the night about my issues with my past and difficulty opening up to others emotionally. We talked about how much fear I still live with and how our relationship can’t continue to grow because of the fear and barriers I haven’t been able to overcome. I acknowledged that H was completely right and explained that I’ve spent this whole year trying to figure these things out, even thought I had some of my fear issues figured out, and then realized I was wrong. I’ve been lost, wanting to overcome, let go, find closure, whatever but not knowing how. H pointed out all of the unreasonable expectations of myself I was expressing and that of course I couldn’t do everything on my own and need to rely on the people I love for support.

 

As our conversation wound down and I promised H I’d work on a new approach to trying to overcome the darkness of my past, he asked something along the lines if that is all that was bothering me. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I feel very off-balance with O and that I’ve come to rely on having him as a friend I can talk to about almost anything. H asked me why I feel off-balance, if it was because of what happened Thursday or before that? I admitted that I feel this way because of what happened Thursday and H asked me why I don’t talk to O about how I’m feeling? I told H that I don’t know what to say, and again he asked, “Why?” Why, indeed. I didn’t really have an answer for that one, but did tell H that I’m not sure if I initiated what happened that night or if O did, reminded H that O was very clear about not wanting to hook up with me any more and that I don’t know if he’s upset at me, at himself, or any number of other things. Again H told me I need to talk to O and asked why can’t I just talk to O like normal? I admitted that I could, and in fact did text with him briefly on Friday about a random topic, but that didn’t help resolve my feeling off-balance with O.  H proceeded to point out that by not talking about what I’m concerned about I’m depriving myself of the opportunity to talk to O, so how is that worse than taking the chance that talking to him may result in that same outcome? Touche.

 

 

“You need to talk to him.”

“I know.”

 

When we woke up this morning H was quite ill with a cold. I immediately offered to cancel our plans with that couple and he agreed. I carefully hid my relief and proceeded to cancel on them with a 100% true reason. I thought it went reasonably well, and I even texted both of them (I rarely text the husband since admitting I’m not attracted to him) trying to smooth things over. However, this is not one of my strengths and the wife is SO incredibly insecure I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive a text from H forwarding a message the wife sent to him going on and on about how she doesn’t feel like I like her. H said he thinks we need to talk because she doesn’t understand that I’m just a more distant person than H is in how I communicate essentially. I told him I’d put some thought into that conversation, but surprisingly she just text me herself expressing the same concerns.

 

On the one hand maybe this is great, my way out. Part of the conversation H and I had last night included me explaining why carefully selecting the type of people I have in my life is so important to me and reminding him of what I look for in the people I spend time with, those I feel have strengths in areas in which I see myself as weaker. People I trust when I’m in a position that I don’t feel confident or strong in. H said that is understandable, the real issue is how I see myself. I totally see his point; however I have not expressed much impatience with how needy the wife is. I was thinking after he felt the need to forward her text to me this morning this would be a good opportunity for me to talk with him about how frustrated I feel communicating with her. But, he’s sick and unavailable until he’s off work and she just text me. I don’t want to express frustration with her before talking to him, and I certainly can’t ignore her message for 8 hours or so until I see him. So much for my golden opportunity out of this mess…

 

I guess I will try telling her something along the lines of my needing to think about this some because my communication style is obviously not working well for her and hopefully can buy enough time to talk to H. Maybe I will be able to avoid hooking up with her again after all. I feel like such an idiot. I spent hours last night talking to H, being vulnerable and talking about things which are difficult for me, confiding in him and working on possible problem-solving strategies together, and yet he still has no idea I don’t want to be involved with this couple. Admittedly I think he suspects from my behavior I’m not very invested, but he definitely isn’t aware of the extend of my apathy. All I really care about at the moment is the person I actually do want who I’m afraid to talk to in spite of this behavior not doing anyone any good.

 

O text me yesterday evening; I was able to read the message just from the preview on my phone and didn’t open it because I have ‘send read receipts’ on. It was still on my phone as an unread message earlier this morning. The ball is definitely in my court, although I kind of feel like it has been all along. Prior to my conversation with H last night I expected, at a minimum, weeks of silence between O and I. I didn’t think I would be ready to address where we stand in the foreseeable future, so like the selfish coward I am I simply expected silence. As H lead up to and allowed me to actually verbalize during last night’s conversation, it isn’t fair to shut out people who care about and have worked so hard to support me. They deserve better. So, I guess I’d better hurry up and figure out what to say to O. Today.

The Four Leaf Clover

4 Leaf Clover

Faith, Hope, Love & Luck

What better symbol could there be for a polyamorous foursome? Faith is an integral part of any relationship. I must have faith that I’m good enough for my partner(s), that I deserve happiness, faith that my partner(s) want me and faith in our commitment to one another. Faith that my partner(s) won’t leave me. Hope is equally key for happiness. Relationships are a lot of work, there are always going to be bad times along with the good times. Without hope for the future, what would be the point of continuing? Love is perhaps obvious, but so many people have loveless relationships I believe this should never be overlooked.   I can admit in the privacy of my own head (and apparently blog!) that I crave love, I need it as I need air. I’m also terrified of love; falling in love with H nearly destroyed me. Unfortunately I’m greedy, now that I have a taste I want more, more, moreI want the friendship, the intimacy, the lover, and I want it so much I can’t help but want more people who truly know me, accept me and want me. No surprise I’d be poly huh? The last leaf of the four leaf clover represents luck, and who couldn’t use more of that in life!?

Tomorrow H and I are going to spend the day with B and his wife. We’ve all met up a couple of times in public to spend time together; B and I have seen each other some one-on-one but in public, and H and B’s wife have had lunch and seen each other a time or two in addition to that, but again, always in public. Tomorrow H and I are going to their place to drink, relax, get to know each other and probably get intimate for the first time. We already talked about matters of protection and made sure all parties were in agreement, so we are all looking forward to enjoying one another. I’m extremely excited, but I’m also nervous. I want this so badly, and I’m not sure if we are all as compatible as my gut says we are. What if I’m just fooling myself? I also noticed that although I talk about B regularly with H, he never mentions B’s wife even though I know they talk every day. I asked him about it last night and he said he hadn’t really though about it, but that she was coming on strong and he didn’t want the pressure of feeling he and she are dating. B and I feel like we are dating and agree that it’s enjoyable, but H is feeling pressured which is less than ideal.

H told me that he understands B’s wife has a lot of freedom at work, but things at his work have been extremely busy and stressful lately so the timing is bad for her to constantly be wanting attention from him. B’s wife is also a bit jealous of the time B and I have spent one-on-one since she and I haven’t had that opportunity, which likely makes her want attention from H that much more. H assured me that he is still attracted to B’s wife and wants to become friends; H is still happy with the direction things are heading, he just needs a chance to become more comfortable with B’s wife. I felt both relief and new concern after H and I talked about this situation. I am glad that he is still interested but concerned H wouldn’t want a true polyamorous relationship. This concern isn’t new, but I had set it aside as all indications were that H is open to wherever things between us may go. However, if he doesn’t want to date, does that mean he only wants friends with benefits? Because I want more than that.

It’s possible that H would enjoy polyamory and just doesn’t like the awkwardness of getting to know people on the front end, so that’s what I’m hoping at this point. If he truly isn’t comfortable with deeper relationships between us it’s going to be very difficult for B and I to be just friends or even casual sex partners. My submissive nature complicates things further; B has a dominant side but no BDSM experience. And my only experiences were under abusive circumstances rather than consensual ones, so not really BDSM at all.

H & B both know I am submissive, but I think B has a better understanding of my needs and desires than H does. B’s wife and I have not discussed anything personal about myself yet – truth be told, I really only have the energy to build one intimate relationship at a time, so B’s wife has to wait in line! I truly like her and enjoy talking to her, but we haven’t really begun becoming close yet. I am certain that will happen if things between us remain stable and don’t evaporate before we really even begin. B and I talked a lot tonight and he seems genuine in his desire for a D/s dynamic between us, but we are not anywhere near ready for that yet. I must admit though, it’s a nice change to have a guy I care about want to use and dominate me! I hope we get to explore the world of BDSM together eventually.

That’s all for now on the cloverleaf, more to come after tomorrow! Hopefully there will still be a cloverleaf after tomorrow..! Wish us luck 🙂