The Gender Torture of a Lonely little…

…currently in a monogamous relationship with Daddy. Things aren’t going so well right now…


As I’ve talked about in my post Gender Fluidity, I struggle trying to conform to society’s expectations of females. In some things I just say ‘Fuck it’ and do as I please, such as becoming a black belt in Kung Fu and riding motorcycles. I know I’ve made a conscious choice to outwardly pass as a stereotypical hetero-normative (and hopefully attractive) woman, and I am pretty successful. So I don’t always feel I have the right to suffer as I do, essentially closeted. The thing is, the people closest to me such as my partner and my Mom do know the truth, know the details. Yet more than a year in, every so often my partner still puts his hand on my stomach and says ‘Baby!’, a joke I can assure you he was the only one laughing at when he pulled it this morning. Now, in addition to the fresh wave of physical and emotional pain over my gender identity he set off, I’m also asking myself, ‘Why are we talking about marriage and raising a family?’ If he can’t accept or respect the fact that my gender identity makes me absolutely unable to bear children, am I just wasting my time and putting off the inevitable? Dark thoughts, but I’ve been struggling so much with our relationship for the past several months already and after losing H last year I know I need and deserve more than just love holding a relationship together. 


Maybe I’m going off the deep end here, but every time he has done this I’ve made it clear that it’s not acceptable and he just isn’t listening. Now after I finally got super upset this morning he reacted with anger and avoiding me all day. I texted him and offered to go stay at my parent’s who are out of town, it’s starting to get late and he was supposed to be getting ready for hunting next week..seems like he might be avoiding coming home because I’m here so I offered to clear out. He responded indicating he doesn’t know why I’d think he doesn’t want to be around me and sure it wasn’t an optimal ending before he left ‘but that happens.’ So I guess he’s going to be headed home soon but honestly I really don’t want to talk about our relationship and the pain I’m in – the pain that’s been slowly worsening for months.   


Our relationship has been a bit of a roller coaster, starting so soon after H’s death. I still feel like I don’t deserve to be happy sometimes, even though I am absolutely certain H wanted me to be happy. As I suppose most married couples do, we occasionally talked about what we’d want if something happened to one of us (though I never could’ve guessed that would be a divorce and his immediate suicide), and I know he truly loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if I had to be without him. He even expressed this during our divorce process and I believed him. But he was 29 and killed himself THREE DAYS after I told him our divorce was final, the DAY AFTER we had a big fight because of how he acted all handsy and possessive in public when we had drinks with friends to celebrate his birthday (this behavior was extremely out of character for him and I set boundaries), and the SAME DAY that I cancelled plans for breakfast and refused to go over to his place when he texted and called me that morning. I know his death is not my fault, but I think a part of me may always feel things might have been different, he might not have died that day if I’d made different choices. Even though we were getting divorced he was still my best friend and I still loved him so much. I truly hoped we could both heal and get healthier emotionally and I truly was open to possibly getting back together some day. I had zero interest in dating or seeking out another partner and I told him this more than once. One of the things he said to me when he asked if it was okay for him to continue wearing his wedding ring was that he meant his vows and even though we were getting divorced he still meant them and I felt the same way even if I couldn’t continue to be married to him. 


But H is gone and I know I deserve to be happy, I just struggle with accepting it, particularly given my total lack of experience with the feeling. Prior to my current relationship I had very limited experience exploring my submissive side but had come to accept this is a cornerstone of my personality. I am sexually submissive with men, always have been, and I’m a masochist. I wasn’t really sure if I identified as little or not before, but as my current relationship evolved and trust deepened, partially due to our BDSM activities, I admitted first to myself and later to my partner how badly I wanted to call him Daddy, something I’d refused to do in the past when asked. The thing is, I can’t take it back. I’ve never had a Daddy before and I’m terrified of losing my Daddy. He’s always liked rough sex but didn’t have any real BDSM experience prior to my tempting him into the fold. I asked him once if he likes it when I call him Daddy, he does, and why? He said it makes him feel important to me. Gods, he has no idea just how much. Too much maybe. 


I was rear-ended back in June which resulted in a serious neck injury, I’ve been on bed rest ever since. One minute I’m working two jobs and super active, the next I can’t work at all and barely manage to care for myself. Not only did BDSM go out the door all of a sudden, so did sex! I think we’ve had sex four times since my accident. After so much time passing and no idea when I will actually be healed, I’ve really started resenting him for taking away things that are so important to me unilaterally. I got so upset that I actually decided if he isn’t willing to step up and dominate me, I don’t even want to have sex and turned him down two or three times in the past weeks. Last night I was having a better pain day and we had a date night, dinner, movie and yes, sex. I was shamefully desperate to feel wanted and loved. This morning he thanked me (again) for sex last night and said half jokingly, ‘I thought you didn’t want me or find me attractive anymore.’ It took me a moment, then I responded, ‘Back at you babe.’ Not too long ago he mentioned something about how I’d turned him down for sex multiple times and I responded, ‘Too little, too late.’ Prior to this I’ve tried to bring up how many times he has turned me down for sex since my accident and he said something like, ‘Well, your neck I needs to heal.’ As if there are no compromises available, which obviously there are since we have had sex when he wanted to after my accident. Mostly he had stopped having sex with me and would just masturbate next to me and then cum in my mouth. This is fine when we’re having sex and BDSM activities regularly, I am happy to submit in this way. But given how things have been after my accident, the last time this happened I resented him and felt used. So, the next time I said no and he came on my breasts instead. I think that’s happened about twice since I realized how upset I am with him for starving me on these fronts. I haven’t exactly been silent about my discontent, but I haven’t explained all of this in detail either. Mostly because I don’t think it will change anything. He’s made up his mind and it’s not like it would be fair to push him into doing things he isn’t comfortable with, nor could I seeing as he is the dominant one; I’m not trying to top from the bottom. 


I’m just so lonely, even when he is home. Cuddling is simply not enough to keep me feeling happy and wanted and loved. Maybe I am too needy for him. Maybe he just thinks it’s fun to be called Daddy in bed and will never want to be my Daddy all the time like I want. I can’t even bring myself to call him Daddy in bed anymore, let alone out of bed! It just requires me to be more vulnerable than I can allow with how I’ve been feeling. I don’t think he has any idea that I want even more of him than he’s already given me, and I’m not about to ask when he’s pulled away so much after my accident. We have talked about our future so much, wanting to buy a house and raise a family, about the possibility of adoption or using a surrogate, about wanting our kids to grow up rurally as we both did but needing to make sure there are private schools close enough because rural school districts have horrible ratings. It’s a beautiful picture but right now it feels like no more than a pretty dream. I felt lonely in my marriage to H and I am not willing to live the rest of my life like that, no matter how much I love and want my current partner. I have to love and want him for who he is, and that may not meet enough of my needs, which terrifies me 😥


Considering all of this emotional pain (and not even counting the physical pain of my neck injury!), feeling the agony of being reminded of the anatomical ability of my body to get pregnant was just too much. I’ve spent all day feeling nauseous and resisting the very strong urge to self harm. I feel like having sex last night was a mistake; I allowed myself to be too vulnerable. Maybe I could’ve managed to get through his ‘joke’ better if I hadn’t let him in last night and exposed my vulnerability; maybe there wouldn’t have been the joke at all if we hadn’t had sex again. I wish I knew how to put in to words how viscerally horrifying the idea of getting pregnant is to me; yet I can think of nothing which would be more beautiful than seeing the woman I love carrying my child. I love kids, I want kids. But I don’t believe I could survive pregnancy – I’ll take gender dysphoria for 100 Alex! I’ve never been formally diagnosed, mostly because I feel like I manage pretty well on this front, so my times in therapy have been focused on other matters. In spite how how deep my instinctive hatred of being stuck in a female body is, I’ve never had any desire to transition. I do believe I would be far more at peace if I was male, but I believe in reincarnation and I have worked very, very hard to figure out how to live with the body I was given without being constantly at war with it; a bit ironic considering I have autoimmune diseases so my body is literally fighting itself. I made certain when this relationship started to turn serious that I was open about my gender difficulties as well as needing BDSM. I’m not sure what I did wrong, how I ended up caught between the future we’ve been building together and my present loneliness. What do I do now?

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Is it Impossible?

 

“I don’t love you and I never will.” That’s what I said to J years ago, before I even met H and after I’d already cheated on J. J told me every girl he’d ever dated had cheated on him and I was certain I wouldn’t…I had never cheated! Then I did; I tried to justify it to myself by texting J after I’d slept with the guy I should’ve realized long before didn’t want me and breaking up with J, but now I think I was just being a coward. I got back together with J in like a week! I wanted to see if this other guy would finally agree to date me and keep J as a back-up plan I guess. I was so awful to J; I hate the person I used to be.

 

I’ve been seeing J for the past month or so. He was there to support me, without hesitation, without any expectations. He lets me talk about H’s death, or not. Let’s me cry, rage, rant, whatever. I was in a really bad place one night and he just drove all the way here and sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone. He stayed with me all night and it helped tremendously. Let’s be honest though, I was never going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with him. I talked to my therapist one day, telling her how I was leaning on J more than any of my other friends or family and how scary that was, and also that I feared it would be the end of the world if I slept with him. She assured me it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I went full speed ahead!

 

Juicy details first…J is still amazing in bed, no surprise! What is a surprise is how easily he was enticed into spanking me, which quickly progressed to choking me, then had me admitting how much I like belts, which he just so happens to own! J didn’t know anything about BDSM but he has good instincts; he insists on lots of clear communication and we haven’t tried anything without talking about it first. He frequently also reminds me of my hard limits just to show me that he knows what they are. We both knew he really likes sex, but neither of us knew he has a dominant streak! Looking back I’m not too surprised; there’s no question that although he’s a bit more introverted than not, he’s definitely an alfa male through and through. In fact, I think this is why I feared him in the past, because E was also an alfa male and I didn’t have any other experience with true alfas.

 

I’ve also never felt so comfortable being my true self. It isn’t nearly as hard to talk to J about what I want, what I fantasize about, the things that scare me and excite me and what I fear might break me. I’m able to let down wall after wall around him, both through my submission and through real, genuine communication. The trust between us has been deepening quickly as we explore BDSM and his toppy side, plus we talk constantly. Another refreshing trait of J’s is that he is very intelligent. When we talk it isn’t mundane drabble, it’s real conversation, something I’ve been mostly starved of in my recent past. Now for the down side – what is hard is that J is a reminder, a very real tie, to my ugly past.

 

Back then he wasn’t the right guy for me with his disregulated, constant anger. And I wasn’t the right girl with my undiagnosed, rampant PTSD. But now? Neither of us is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he has a different career altogether, is successful, has much better communication skills and manages his anger much more effectively. And as for me, I’m seeing him in a whole new light. I’m crazy about him, I love him. I don’t know if I’m *in* love with him, I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now? But I don’t doubt for a moment that I do love him. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep those three words from slipping out. He loves me and has admitted as much, we’ve both acknowledged this. Does he know that I love him too?

 

 

But it feels impossible. H has only been dead for like six weeks! How can I start a new relationship? J knows I’m pretty much trying to rebuild my life from scratch at the moment and am a bit lost as to who I even am. What I am sure of is that I want J in my life. If I was just divorced I would be happy and feel like I was moving forward with my life like I wanted, in control. Free to chose whatever is right for ME! Instead I fear the consequences of falling in love too soon, of loving too easily, of growing dependent and building my life around a man AGAIN, possibly to my own detriment, AGAIN. And as J keeps telling me, he knows the score. He is counting on me moving on. But it hurt so much. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, I want to give him everything!

 

J has said over and over again that he’s long ago healed and forgiven me for how terribly I treated him in the past; unfortunately, I haven’t forgiven myself. And I keep getting reminders of just how awful I was…I get confused by his behavior here and there, so I ask about it and end up with an answer like being reminded I used to feel like he was around too much and he doesn’t want to end up in that position again, so he only comes to see me when I specifically invite him. Totally fair, but oh my god it hurts to know he has to try to protect himself from me like that. It hurts even more because I know I was right back then when I said I didn’t love him and I never could – the person I was back then couldn’t have ever gotten past the fear no matter how long we’d stayed together. I want to believe I’m different now, but how can I be sure? And how much am I willing to risk?

 

When push comes to shove, can I be certain I won’t betray J again? And even if I could be sure, does that make any real difference? He isn’t asking for or expecting anything but right now and for me to be honest with him when I’m ready to move on. I know he will let me go instantly, no strings attached. But I don’t want him to let me go! One night he was feeling possessive, he gave me a hickey and growled ‘Mine!’ while we were having sex. God I came completely undone! I want to be his so badly. I guess it’s different every time, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so accepted as J makes me feel; I like who I am with him. Is it too late to rewrite our story?

 

 

 

Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

Looking Back on 2016

I’ve had a full year! It’s hard to believe I was suicidal this time last year. A couple months ago my boss let us know we would have performance evaluations by the end of the year and gave us a … Continue reading

You Need To Talk To Him

So here’s the thing, the biggest issue with the wife is how much she reminds me of myself and things I’ve grown to hate within myself. I’m insecure, always have been. I don’t easily believe others want me, like me, care for me. Even when I’m finally convinced of such feelings, I see them as temporary and don’t trust that they will continue. That I’m deserving. The wife has significant anxiety issues. She didn’t graduate from high school. She has chronic migraines and because of that only works part-time. At first I thought I could see us as being friends because we have a lot in common, but now I realize all of those things cause me not to want to be friends with her; not to want to even expend the energy to text or talk with her. I don’t respect her because she seems so incredibly weak no matter what the situation or topic is. I don’t want to be the one who is looked up to, I want to surround myself with people I feel have strengths I don’t, people I feel can help support my becoming more the person I want to be. As I keep saying, it all comes down to how selfish I am.

 

It’s funny, I remember when I first started dating H I was concerned that he had an entitlement problem, possibly due to his family’s relative affluence. I learned pretty quickly that although he loves shiny things and new toys, he’s a hard worker and a responsible, trustworthy man. Really taking a look at myself, it seems after all this time I’m the one with the entitlement issue, and it’s nowhere near new. When I was with V I was outraged at all of the people who tried to separate us. I didn’t care that I was closer in age to his daughter than to him; I didn’t care that he was still married. I didn’t care about anything but getting what I needed at the time, and he gave me attention, told me he loved me. That we’d be together, get married, have babies, open a martial arts school together and live happily ever after. Obviously that’s not what happened. But I honestly thought, “Who do these people think they are? Telling me I have no RIGHT to be friends with a man because he’s married!? I have EVERY right.” And that’s continued to be my motto, “I have every right.” No consideration for the consequences on other people. Completely unwilling to consider reality and the possibility that I, in fact, do not have any such right to any relationship. Relationships take work because they are a privileged, something living which needs to be maintained over time.

 

Last night H and I watched the Gilmore Girls revival and I cried straight through the last three episodes. H was surprised and trying to understand why I was so upset about a T.V. show and we ended up talking late into the night about my issues with my past and difficulty opening up to others emotionally. We talked about how much fear I still live with and how our relationship can’t continue to grow because of the fear and barriers I haven’t been able to overcome. I acknowledged that H was completely right and explained that I’ve spent this whole year trying to figure these things out, even thought I had some of my fear issues figured out, and then realized I was wrong. I’ve been lost, wanting to overcome, let go, find closure, whatever but not knowing how. H pointed out all of the unreasonable expectations of myself I was expressing and that of course I couldn’t do everything on my own and need to rely on the people I love for support.

 

As our conversation wound down and I promised H I’d work on a new approach to trying to overcome the darkness of my past, he asked something along the lines if that is all that was bothering me. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I feel very off-balance with O and that I’ve come to rely on having him as a friend I can talk to about almost anything. H asked me why I feel off-balance, if it was because of what happened Thursday or before that? I admitted that I feel this way because of what happened Thursday and H asked me why I don’t talk to O about how I’m feeling? I told H that I don’t know what to say, and again he asked, “Why?” Why, indeed. I didn’t really have an answer for that one, but did tell H that I’m not sure if I initiated what happened that night or if O did, reminded H that O was very clear about not wanting to hook up with me any more and that I don’t know if he’s upset at me, at himself, or any number of other things. Again H told me I need to talk to O and asked why can’t I just talk to O like normal? I admitted that I could, and in fact did text with him briefly on Friday about a random topic, but that didn’t help resolve my feeling off-balance with O.  H proceeded to point out that by not talking about what I’m concerned about I’m depriving myself of the opportunity to talk to O, so how is that worse than taking the chance that talking to him may result in that same outcome? Touche.

 

 

“You need to talk to him.”

“I know.”

 

When we woke up this morning H was quite ill with a cold. I immediately offered to cancel our plans with that couple and he agreed. I carefully hid my relief and proceeded to cancel on them with a 100% true reason. I thought it went reasonably well, and I even texted both of them (I rarely text the husband since admitting I’m not attracted to him) trying to smooth things over. However, this is not one of my strengths and the wife is SO incredibly insecure I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive a text from H forwarding a message the wife sent to him going on and on about how she doesn’t feel like I like her. H said he thinks we need to talk because she doesn’t understand that I’m just a more distant person than H is in how I communicate essentially. I told him I’d put some thought into that conversation, but surprisingly she just text me herself expressing the same concerns.

 

On the one hand maybe this is great, my way out. Part of the conversation H and I had last night included me explaining why carefully selecting the type of people I have in my life is so important to me and reminding him of what I look for in the people I spend time with, those I feel have strengths in areas in which I see myself as weaker. People I trust when I’m in a position that I don’t feel confident or strong in. H said that is understandable, the real issue is how I see myself. I totally see his point; however I have not expressed much impatience with how needy the wife is. I was thinking after he felt the need to forward her text to me this morning this would be a good opportunity for me to talk with him about how frustrated I feel communicating with her. But, he’s sick and unavailable until he’s off work and she just text me. I don’t want to express frustration with her before talking to him, and I certainly can’t ignore her message for 8 hours or so until I see him. So much for my golden opportunity out of this mess…

 

I guess I will try telling her something along the lines of my needing to think about this some because my communication style is obviously not working well for her and hopefully can buy enough time to talk to H. Maybe I will be able to avoid hooking up with her again after all. I feel like such an idiot. I spent hours last night talking to H, being vulnerable and talking about things which are difficult for me, confiding in him and working on possible problem-solving strategies together, and yet he still has no idea I don’t want to be involved with this couple. Admittedly I think he suspects from my behavior I’m not very invested, but he definitely isn’t aware of the extend of my apathy. All I really care about at the moment is the person I actually do want who I’m afraid to talk to in spite of this behavior not doing anyone any good.

 

O text me yesterday evening; I was able to read the message just from the preview on my phone and didn’t open it because I have ‘send read receipts’ on. It was still on my phone as an unread message earlier this morning. The ball is definitely in my court, although I kind of feel like it has been all along. Prior to my conversation with H last night I expected, at a minimum, weeks of silence between O and I. I didn’t think I would be ready to address where we stand in the foreseeable future, so like the selfish coward I am I simply expected silence. As H lead up to and allowed me to actually verbalize during last night’s conversation, it isn’t fair to shut out people who care about and have worked so hard to support me. They deserve better. So, I guess I’d better hurry up and figure out what to say to O. Today.