Troubling Decisions

I am so fucking FRUSTRATED!!! There’s a bit of a storm but the snow isn’t really sticking and the roads are FINE! Plus I have an SUV and really good winter tires. But Mr. Trouble fucking TEXT ME…I HATE IT WHEN HE TEXTS ME! Part of me suspected he’d cancel when I saw the snow, but I hoped he’d have the guts to call or even just *email* me, but nooooooo, that would be too easy on me!…of COURSE he had to fucking TEXT ME!!!

Morning LG, given the weather, maybe we should reschedule to next week. Don’t want you to take an unreasonable risk driving down here.

I don’t see any issues on **********, are you staying home?

All of my meetings at the office are canceled. Yes, I don’t foresee going into *********.

Okay. When do you want to reschedule to?

Monday the 27th, afternoon, 3p? Starbucks by ************?

That works

Alright, I have it in my calendar.

See you then

👍

GRRRRRRRRR! WHERE DO I EVEN START!? First he frames it as though he’s concerned about *me* and perhaps that’s true in part, but as his response showed, in reality HE’S the one staying home. I’d thought about suggesting I pick him up and we talk today if he tried to reschedule due to the weather…honestly it’s smart for him to stay home as his only transportation is his motorcycle. I can drive in the weather we’ve got no problem, but that would mean going to his place, having him in my car and most importantly, having to drive him home *after* we talked. As much as I don’t want to put this conversation off, I don’t think a few days is worth putting myself in that situation…I also didn’t particularly want to learn how he’d have reacted to that suggestion.

I’ve been struggling to sleep ever since we spoke Monday and all of the realizations hit. I’ve also been having a lot of anxiety and stress and was really looking forward to releasing all this negative energy and getting a good night’s sleep again after seeing him TODAY. Now I have zero plans for the day and nothing sounds appealing, but I do not want to spend four days being miserable when part of me is grateful he’s got the sense to stay off his bike today. I still don’t want him getting hurt 😦 I just wish I didn’t have all these questions racing through my head…was he relieved for an excuse to cancel? What’s he guessing I asked to meet about? Is he half as anxious as I am??? Did he regret rescheduling; will he be spending the next few days incessantly wondering why I want to meet in person and specifically not in his office? Is he nervous, even fearful? Did he cancel out of cowardice, preferring not knowing and hiding to having to face me and whatever I feel is important enough to warrant a face to face meeting? Is the waiting easier or harder for him? What’s going on with his alcohol abuse?…and on and on and ON! I just want to go back to hardly ever thinking about him anymore like it has been!

All of this is extremely difficult for me. I’ve always viscerally objected to seeing myself as a victim; I grew up surrounded by people with a victim mentality and quickly grew to despise such an outlook. Even after all the years of therapy, doing the work and healing and growing so much, it’s still incredibly painful each and every time I have a new realization about the fact that I’ve been victimized. In therapy yesterday I admitted that I am haunted by not having done more about men who have abused me in the past, giving the example of V, when I was 16 whilst he was 24 and married…and the fact that he went on to own a martial arts studio presumably with access to teenage girls who implicitly trust their martial arts instructor. My therapist disclosed that they are also a survivor and pointed out the fact that what V did wasn’t ‘sleeping with’ me as I’d phrased it, that it was abuse and rape. I agreed and immediately started crying. Realizing that I felt coerced when things got intimate with Mr. Trouble has come as a huge and deeply unexpected blow. I fell in love with him and while I always knew our relationship was unhealthy, the friendship and feelings that eventually grew between us meant a lot to me. Now I feel like I’m going to break his heart by explaining I felt coerced.

At first I thought the point of talking to Mr. Trouble was to prevent him from making this mistake again and potentially turning someone else who works for him in to a victim. But as my therapist rightly pointed out, I can’t expect to have that kind of control just because I confront him with the truth. I was struggling with how much responsibility to take on because I regret not doing more about those men from my past and here’s another chance to report a man who crossed the line with me. If a friend were in my shoes I’d be saying things along the same line as my therapist did…the consequences of reporting are *not* your responsibility; you have the right to speak your truth and stand up for yourself. If that causes him to lose his job, if it ends his marriage, whatever may or may not result is not on you! It’s on HIM. I expressed discomfort over and over again early on, about the possibility he’d become my boss, about the fact that I felt weird at times because he now was the boss, but that never stopped him. If he was really as good of a guy as I tend to by default think, that same sentiment expressed over and over would have been enough for him to pull back, reevaluate and end things. I feel like such a fool for having believed work and everything else could be separated.

I never would’ve thought I’d even consider reporting him, yet the more I’m forced to live with this weeks’ realizations, the more I find myself doing exactly that. It would be easier to claim that I always have that option, that speaking to him and gauging his reaction would inform my choice. The problem is that’s not really true…I know him. Whatever feelings I read when we talk will be genuine, but absolutely NO guarantee he’ll do better in the future. All the good he has done, all the good he likely would do in the future in his job, is absolutely NOT an excuse. Just because he can/does do good in another part of his life doesn’t change or mitigate the harm he did to *me*. I wish I didn’t still love him…it’s not a healthy love, but it is real.

I’m only just now fully realizing that part of me has been hoping he’s changed in the past couple of months, that my text was a wake up call and he’s turned a corner and I just don’t know because we no longer talk. I think part of me was hoping when we meet he’d turn out to be the person I could always see within him rather than the coward he’s shown me so many times. Not very fair to expect a person to overcome a lifetime of issues in a couple of months, is it!?

He text me that he got the promotion on June 9th, 2021 and his first day was June 21st. We hooked up for the second time on June 16th…at what point did I stop feeling coerced? It probably isn’t black and white like my question implies, but rather a gradual change away from the overwhelming fear and mistrust I felt early on. That first weekend I remember eating lunch at a bar walking distance from the hotel and having a couple of drinks. There were these long, awkward silences because I didn’t trust him enough to feel comfortable talking about myself. I made every effort to get him talking, asking questions about him and trying to avoid opening up at all costs, even after how much I’d enjoyed the prior day…and night…but looking back I’m so sad for myself, having sex with someone I mistrusted so deeply; pursuing that relationship partially out of fearing him having positional power over me. Honestly I’m sad for him, too. I know he’s someone who feels things deeply and I know he cared for me. I wish things had been different.

What do I do now???

Do I meet with him as planned, tell him what happened and pray he won’t make the same mistake in the future? Do I tell him and then report him? Do I cancel our meeting? I feel so lost right now, deeply confused by the drastic differences between what my head is telling me to do and what my heart says. I told my therapist what I wanted to get out of talking to him was for him to KNOW what really happened because it’s not my burden to carry and I believed I’d feel better once he knew and also had to live with that knowledge. But that was my secondary answer; my initial answer was that I wanted to make sure this didn’t happen to anyone else. I don’t truly have that power carte blanche, but reporting him would mean I’d done everything in my power to prevent it. Can I live with myself if I choose not to report him??? Talk about a question I never thought I’d be asking! Fml.

Thanks to rescheduling I have a few days to mull everything over but so far my instinct remains to talk to him first and go from there…wish me luck!

Preparing for Trouble

Therapy this morning was extremely helpful, as usual! My therapist helped me see how well I’ve handled the past couple of days which have been so difficult; I’ve done a great job of self care! I can also see all the work I’ve done paying off and feel how much stronger and healthier I am mentally and emotionally so I can face tough stuff and work my way through it, then let go and truly move on! After talking things through with her, I decided to trust my instincts and talk with Mr. Trouble in person. The fact that I felt coerced when I decided to sleep with him for the first time is not my fault and not my burden to carry, so I need him to *know*. I called him and we’re meeting tomorrow afternoon. Next is working out what all I want/need to say to him…

You never answered my question – were there more people interested than there are spots in next month’s class?

I truly believe you never would’ve consciously favored me, but unconscious bias is real. After you told me the Director overruled you I couldn’t help but wonder…if we hadn’t been sleeping together, if I hadn’t scared you at that cornering clinic when I crashed my bike, if it had been another instructor, would you have been just as quick to say they could continue teaching when they become unable to ride?

I hate to bring up the past again, but there’s still so much I’ve never told you and looking back I see things so much more clearly now. Two years ago when we started talking again I deeply mistrusted you. I hadn’t yet had the chance to get to know you as a person so as time passed and I DID get to know you I realized my mistrust and fears were way off base. But when *** left, I had a premonition. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does they’ve always been right. As soon as I heard, I *knew* with absolute certainty that you were going to get the job, and I feared that reality. I never once said ‘good luck’ to you because at the time I didn’t want you to get the job. I pushed myself WAY too hard trying to get back to regular status before you started as manager in large part because I did fear you’d use your authority against me in any number of ways. I attempted to share this unease with you and reassure myself when I text you about the porn plot of girl walks into office, tells boss she wants a job and he responds ‘I’ll give you a job…on your knees!’ but I never told you the extent of my fears at the time.

The point I’m driving at is that although you didn’t know you’d get the job when we went to ********, I *did* deeply believe you’d get it and feared how you’d treat me and that you might hinder my ability to return to teaching, which as you may recall I wanted DESPERATELY at the time. So although you didn’t technically have a position of authority over me at the time, I felt as though you did. I always used the fact that things started before you were promoted to tell myself that it was okay, that we could keep our personal lives separate from work and that you never had and never would use your position to coerce someone. Unfortunately, at the time I made the decision to go to ******** with you I did feel coerced. Not by your actions but by the circumstances. I’m not saying I feel like a victim looking back, but I wasn’t far off. I felt pressured to get you to like me in order to protect myself from you and your future authority over me…and having realized that’s how I felt in the beginning, I needed you to know.

I can’t expect to exert control over Mr. Trouble’s choices and I am NOT responsible if he ends up coercing someone else in the future. But it IS my choice to not report our affair and I can live with that as long as I tell him the truth, as he can’t know what he doesn’t know. I feel reporting our affair would do more harm than good as I truly believe he is the best person for his job and he has the ability to do and IS doing so much wide-reaching good…I don’t want to be the reason he’s fired and all that good disappears. I never wanted that. This is perhaps a compromise, but it’s what feels right for ME and that’s all I control…all I’m responsible for. Much like that last text I sent him, I hate to kick a guy when he’s down and I also don’t love talking about our dumpster fire of a relationship, but the only way out is through and I know doing the work is worth it! So, tomorrow I’ll see him and have yet another difficult conversation, but hopefully after I’ll feel much more at peace and seeing him due to work will continue to get easier and easier!

My instincts as an empath and someone who still cares deeply about Mr. Trouble are to try and support him, give him time and space and the opportunity to talk if there’s anything personal he needs to talk about or questions he wants answered. I don’t want him to think I continued to feel coerced, just initially. After texting him and essentially telling him not to contact me anymore I feel it’s rather unfair for me to bring up our past again but not give him an opportunity to say his peace as well if he needs to…I’m not 100% sure yet how or even if I’m going to work that in…this isn’t about HIM, it’s about me and MY needs…even so, I still am who I am and that’s an empath who cares deeply about this person that I’m about to give hurtful news to. I will probably just play it by ear for that part and follow my instincts based on what he says/how he acts at the time. I do believe I’m as ready as I can be for tomorrow…

I can do this!

I believe in myself!

I deserve to speak my peace, be honest and be HEARD!

Sins of the Past

Last week Mr. Trouble and I had an email exchange:

LG,

Thank you for teaching so much in the cold and rain! Also, it sounded like you had a great conversation with an instructor candidate auditing your class, they said you were very helpful. I wanted to circle back with you on this since we’ve both had conversations with EOA. Are you available for a phone call on Monday to discuss some of the progress EOA has made? Most of my day is wide open except for 1:30p to 3p.

Thanks,

Mr. Trouble

Hey Mr. Trouble,

Always glad to be of service! Glad the instructor candidate appreciated my input 🙂 I’m busy 8:30-0:30a Monday but otherwise free and I’m free now or any time tomorrow as well; you are always welcome to call! I’ll also see you Saturday morning at updates I assume and although she will be in her kennel in my car the puppy will be with me if you’d like to meet her!

Best,

LG

I have to admit, I had a lot of fun Saturday! It got difficult twice; once early on when Mr. Trouble made an effort to catch my eye and the moment he succeeded I looked *anywhere* else, then again later as the professional development part started and I brought the puppy in with me for her training as a service dog; she quickly decided Mr. Trouble was who she needed to get to as though her life depended on it! Damn puppy…pick ANYONE else in the room to struggle toward, please!!! Aside from those couple of small things I held up well, genuinely enjoying myself much of the day thanks to sitting next to Mr. Trustworthy and another instructor I really like. I laughed so much I was concerned I was getting disruptive 😛

Then yesterday Mr. Trouble gave me a call. When EOA spoke with me about my request to have a service dog with me while teaching I was totally surprised by a lot of their questions, seemingly thinking the dog was going to be a distraction for me and what would I do with her while I rode demonstrations? I explained that I almost never ride demos and that my boss and I have discussed this and he’d said I could continue teaching even after my hands deteriorate to the point that I’m unable to safely operate a motorcycle, a conversation we had last year after I crashed my bike in July partly due to lack of feedback from my throttle hand. Yesterday Mr. Trouble told me his boss overruled him as our policy requires instructors to actively ride a street bike and the job description requires riding demonstrations. Apparently the director was only willing to make a short-term accommodation for me while recuperating from spinal surgery but won’t allow a permanent accommodation relieving me of this duty. I explained to Mr. Trouble that it was short term due to my neck and now I can physically ride demos but I nearly always choose not to as they increase my pain and teaching already makes my pain level skyrocket. There’s never been an expectation communicated about how often one has to ride demos, so I nearly always let my teaching partner do it; everyone wants to as riding demos is fun! I explained that I probably didn’t ride demos more than 2-3 times out of 24 classes I taught last year. I asked Mr. Trouble when I’ll have to stop teaching – is it the day I give up riding my street bike? Is it when I’m no longer able to safely ride demos on a training bike on a closed course? Is it something else? What’s the trigger? Also, since I’m being told I’m required to ride demos, what’s the expectation for how often? He told me he didn’t want to speak out of turn again but he had a meeting with the director later that afternoon so he’d ask and get back to me this week.

After we got off the phone I cried, hard. Then I got drunk and high…also horny! I nearly text Mr. Trustworthy to tell him when it hit me – this was a resurgence of my hypersexuality as a coping mechanism. Realizing this made me feel like shit and I was grateful that light bulb went off before I sent the text. I told my good friend NJ what I’d learned and he actually picked up the phone and called me, very upset the director would make that decision. While I appreciated the support, it sucks to be put in the position of defending the person who’s hurting me and I seem to put myself in that position with alarming frequency…the problem is I can see how the director would come to that conclusion. Our organization is all about walking the walk and I assume he sees it as a matter of integrity for the program. NJ was looking at things from the perspective of a fellow instructor who’d be happy to ride demos and he flat out rejected my arguments about how the director for the state-wide program could understandably have a different perspective. The real problem is I don’t blame the director, the person I’m angry at is myself.

My initial assumption was that I’d have to stop teaching when I could no longer ride a motorcycle, but Mr. Trouble told me I wouldn’t have to stop. The problem is I was sleeping with him at the time…hell, the problem is that I ever had an affair with him. I honestly believed until yesterday that Mr. Trouble being my boss didn’t have anything to do with my reasons for sleeping with him. I relied on the fact that our affair began before he was promoted as proof…the problem is, I think I’ve been lying to myself. My motives regarding our personal relationship were NEVER pure. When I first met him I wanted to become friends in part because I had a hunch being friends with him could potentially open up avenues in the future for me in our organization. Sure I was immediately attracted to him and genuinely liked him, but as best I can tell my primary motivation for reaching out after we first met was because of his connections and my desire to go far in our organization. I was with J and happy about that, so liking/being attracted to someone alone wouldn’t have been enough to set off the shit show that followed. And although it is true that we hooked up the fist time before he was promoted back in 2021, I’d had a premonition in April as soon as I found out the prior training manager was retiring that Mr. Trouble would get the job. I admit I hoped I was wrong, but the truth is I always believed he was going to be my boss. And considering that we didn’t sleep together for the first time until June, I knew I was hooking up with the guy that was almost certainly soon to be my new boss.

The thing is, back then I didn’t trust Mr. Trouble *at ALL*. I was afraid he’d use his new position against me as I was trying to get back in to teaching after my spinal surgery. I pushed myself extremely hard and managed to be officially reinstated the week before Mr. Trouble officially started, so maybe his being my boss was a significant factor in my choice to become intimately involved with him…wow does that feel disgusting! I honestly didn’t believe at the time I was looking to benefit professionally from our affair, but neither can I deny the fact that it was that much harder to take last year when a dozen instructors were promoted to mentors who get to help train new instructors and not only was I not among them, but I was FUCKING THE BOSS and still didn’t get to become a mentor as I desperately desired. I struggled for months trying to accept that I wasn’t picked, telling myself I might not have met the eligibility requirements and trying so hard to let go of the consuming jealousy. Back when we first slept together I didn’t yet know if I’d be successful in my foolhardy attempt to return to work before he was in charge, so on some level it seems likely I might’ve believed sleeping with him could at some point lead to things at work going better for me if I did end up needing Mr. Trouble to sign off.

I’m drowning in shame…realizing all of this on top of having the dream of being able to continue teaching after I have to give up riding crushed yesterday is brutal. Mr. Trustworthy is out of town again this week and what I had been looking forward to, few commitments and the majority of the week to focus on catching up and being productive, now just feels empty and stifling. I’m too depressed to want to do anything. Mr. Trustworthy called me twice yesterday; I kind of felt bad the first time as I’d text him about my convo with NJ saying he’d called and was such a good friend. I know Mr. Trustworthy is busy working and wasn’t trying to make him feel like he had to call me too, but it was nice to hear his voice. As I recall, I told him something along the lines of that I wasn’t great but that I’d be okay, that I’d find my way back to before I believed I’d be able to continue teaching when I can’t ride and accept this. I felt strong and confident even though I was extremely upset – now I kind of wonder if it was mostly adrenaline fueled confidence due to my being in a state of shock. It was sometime after this short call that I started to wonder if Mr. Trouble would’ve been so quick to say an instructor could continue to teach after becoming unable to ride had that instructor been someone else. Would he have said the same thing if we weren’t sleeping together? If I hadn’t scared the crap out of him crashing my bike? I know he’d never consciously favor me, but unconscious bias is very real and I now know for a fact that Mr. Trouble didn’t have the authority to permit that.

I’m angry at myself for the affair. I’m angry I allowed myself to hope I could possibly continue teaching after I have to give up riding. I’m angry that I fell in love with my married boss. I’m angry he’s an alcoholic. I’m so FUCKING ANGRY I appear to have chosen Mr. Trouble in part because I suspected it might help me professionally. I’m angry I deceived myself into believing our personal relationship could be separated from our working relationship. I couldn’t have been more taken by surprise when Mr. Trouble told me yesterday he’d been overruled about this and I’m furious with myself for never even thinking to question what Mr. Trouble told me. I don’t know how to forgive myself for allowing him to make me cry again. I’m not sure how to escape the shame that’s choking me…which is probably why I emailed Mr. Trouble yesterday about the advancement opportunity I’m currently registered for next month. The thing is, it feels like a guarantee now that this is my last year teaching. Knowing that, does it really make sense for me to get certified to teach additional material? Sure I’ve badly wanted this opportunity for many years, but I’ll only be able to serve in that role for less than a year most likely. Am I taking up a spot someone else wants, someone who’d be able to continue in that capacity longer for the organization?

Hey,

Were there more people interested than spots? If so I’m not sure I should take up a spot now that I know I won’t be able to continue teaching as long as I’d hoped.

Thank you,

LG

LG,

I offered the seat to you knowing that you had a limited opportunity. If you are interested, you are welcome to keep the seat. Please let me know what you decide.

Thanks,

Mr. Trouble

I began several email responses, everything from pointing out that he couldn’t legally not offer me the opportunity solely due to my disabilities to pointing out that he didn’t actually answer my question to asking him if we could talk about this. Thankfully I deleted them all before sending as I was definitely not myself…that said, all of the things I considered saying are valid! Now, in the light of day and unimpaired by substance use, I have to admit my the rational side is finally making an appearance. Reminding me of what I always say about how nothing lasts forever and that’s not a reason to avoid living one’s life. Telling me that I will still find meaning in life after I lose motorcycles…it just HURTS so fucking badly having to revert to expecting this to be my last year after more than six months of imagining possibilities so I’d be able to continue teaching next hear. I’m grieving yet again, it kinda feels like I’ll never be done grieving all that I’m losing as I lose the use of my limbs. I’m sick and tired of grieving!!! I want to live and enjoy my life, so I guess I’ll be keeping that spot in class next month. Fuck does ethics always give me a headache!

What’s the right way to move forward…!? My usual belief is that one must own one’s mistakes but if I were to come clean to the director about the affair with my boss, Mr. Trouble would likely lose his job. And the man was born for this job! He’s doing so much good and the trickle effect of benefit to the people we serve, our communities and motorcyclists in our state is undeniable! It feels selfish completely out of character for me to throw him under the bus just to alleviate the pressure from my own conscience. Things with him are OVER, in every way. We talked for nearly half an hour yesterday and didn’t even get personal enough for a ‘how are you?’ which is exactly as I requested in that last text I sent. Even so, there’s no unringing the bell, no erasing what we’ve done, the choices I’ve made. Mr. Trouble never consciously used his position or his aspirations to pressure me in to being with him, but I can no longer deny the fact that these circumstances certainly had an effect. So what am I trying to right for the future? I guess the only thing that comes to mind is that Mr. Trouble never sleep with an employee again. After having nothing to say to him for nearly two months, now suddenly I have SO MUCH I want to say. I want to ask him if he genuinely believes he’d have said the same thing if it had been a different instructor in my shoes rather than someone he had feelings for, was having an affair with, someone who’d just scared him by crashing their bike. I kind of even want him to know how deeply I was hurt when I wasn’t chosen to become a mentor last year. I want him to know about my premonition and how much I feared having to interact with him as my boss back then. I feel a need to make him understand that in spite of what I said or believed at the time, his position and the power dynamic created DID have an impact and DID put pressure on me to sleep with him. We both fucked up by following through and I have no desire to punish him, but I feel a responsibility to prevent this from happening again.

Mr. Trouble is a known playboy and a chronic cheater. In fact before I slept with him for the first time I even made him tell me when he’d last cheated as I was assessing what exactly I was getting myself in to if I continued playing with fire. Right now I feel like confessing to the powers that be would do more harm than good, but I can’t just ignore all of this either. I think I’m going to have to have a conversation with Mr. Trouble about our relationship…quite possibly the LAST THING ON EARTH I want to do. But I truly believe that if he knew the truth about how I was feeling back when we started, the fear and pressure and mistrust that were driving me, I think he’d be horrified. Hopefully that would be enough to convince him to never make this same mistake again. He’s not the kind of man that would intentionally use his position to pressure someone into being with him. He’s far from perfect but he’s not THAT. Gods, I’m horrified by even the thought of reaching out, asking to talk; telling him his position of authority over me and even the possibility that he’d come in to such a position influenced my decision to start our affair. I suspect he’s going to be crushed and I really hate to hurt him. I just don’t see any other way I can let go and move forward, not until I make sure this won’t happen again.

Fuck my life. The problem with this plan is that it relies on Mr. Trouble’s integrity and, much like myself, his is certainly not perfect. Do I still trust him enough to believe I could take his word if I explained all of this and he swore to never sleep with an employee again? The sure fire way to prevent this from happening again would be reporting it, something I never imagined I’d even consider. The idea of doing so makes me ill. Is it really my responsibility to ensure this doesn’t happen again? I wouldn’t say I feel like a victim but the next instructor might. I wish I didn’t *care* so much. All I know for certain right now is that I can’t do nothing…maybe a better idea will come to me…! I genuinely believe Mr. Trouble never meant to coerce me, but the dynamics themselves became coercive…I think I have to tell him that so I can allow myself to move forward. Fuck! No wonder I’ve been all tied up in knots ever since we spoke yesterday 😦 But, one way or another, I have to find a way to allow myself to move forward; I refuse to let the past control my future. I’ll figure *something* out…

New Foundations

This year my insurance changed which meant getting a new therapist. Last years’ helped me so much, but I believe things happen for a reason and actually wasn’t stressed about the idea itself, just a bit concerned about *finding* someone. Luckily some sort of mental health coordinator offered to search for a good match after we had a discussion about what I was looking for and DAMN did she do well!

My second appointment with my new therapist was this week and we have more in common that I ever could’ve imagined. They also have the rare genetic disease Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome; they also are non-binary; they are also only able to work part-time due to physical disabilities; they also have ADHD; they too were assigned female at birth. I was very surprised and honored that they shared so much about themselves with me; it helps to know they get it and can relate to such a wide variety of my experiences. This made opening up about my fear of becoming a burden preventing me from even being open to the possibility of a romantic relationship with the possibility of a future as easy to share as was probably possible. After I told them I believe this fear is based in the traumatic way my relationship with J ended, I then went on to describe J and that relationship a bit as nothing in the background I’d provided mentioned him.

Yet again I was a bit blown away feeling the things I was saying sinking in for me on an emotional level in a way that, no matter how many hundreds or even thousands of times I’d thought them before, just hadn’t been previously accessible thanks to my being such an external processor. J doesn’t have the capacity to do much cooking, cleaning or other household chores due to the long hours he works; even though he makes good money, J is extremely uncomfortable with *spending* money because cash in the bank gives him a feeling of security which is strongly affected by some of his past experiences; J never understood how I could justify spending money in order to mitigate pain normal things cause me due to my disabilities and we were unwilling or unable to compromise in service of balancing quality of life now with planning for the future. I felt like a burden after my spinal injury, suddenly unable to get out of bed let alone work or do anything useful. But I realize now that I felt like a burden from the very beginning of our relationship.

J showed up for me after H died, in a big way and with zero expectations. My therapist must’ve been out of her mind encouraging the relationship when I brought my concerns to her, starting something so soon after H’s death. But I trusted her so I pursued things with J anyway. Thing is, I was still an emotional mess so although he was very willing at first, as time passed J started to react negatively when I’d try to lean on him or be completely honest about my feelings dealing with my grief and H’s passing; in particularly I remember how angry and resentful he was that I wanted my husband’s wedding ring which H’s Mom got possession of one way or another and refused to relinquish to me, even though it’s the only thing I requested, and how much J hated the tattoo I got as part of my healing process. Then there was the fact that J’s lease was ending three months before mine and I asked if he wanted to move in with me until my lease was up, at which point we could move somewhere more conveniently located. He chose to say yes, then resented that he didn’t have more of his stuff in that first apartment. I tried to encourage him to bring more of his stuff from storage over and over again, but he never would. About a month after my lease expired we moved somewhere close to half way between our two jobs, but he never let me forget how miserable he was at our first place living together. We’d only been in our new apartment a couple of months when my spine was injured so we weren’t unpacked and settled in by any means – everything I’d intended to do I physically couldn’t after I was hurt and because it was summer I was working 7 days a week between my two jobs, plus volunteering in my spare time, and commuting every day so I just hadn’t had the time to do it yet. Later it was no secret that J blamed me for things being such a mess and no matter what efforts I pushed myself trying to make a difference, nothing ever helped.

Wow, it’s amazing how many behaviors I recognize from my marriage I didn’t know well enough to object to when things got serious with J. Years later it suddenly seems obvious this was an extremely codependent relationship. That’s funny, because I THOUGHT I was about to blame my feeling like a burden on J’s actions and resentment. But I’m sure, just like with Mr. Trouble, I created a position for myself in which I viewed myself as a burden and then used whatever I could find to confirm this belief. So, I just went from years of feeling *I* was the problem due to being a burden, to thinking J was the problem because he has his own issues, to circling back around to seeing myself as the problem…but luckily not who I am now, just me before learning about codependency. And there I was so proud thinking I’d figured out the problem wasn’t actually me, it was all about J and HIS issues hahaha. That’s okay…I’m even MORE proud realizing I finally recognized that codependency was present with J, something I’ve never before been able to see. What’s even more ironic is my therapist asked who first made me feel like a burden and I told them my psycho bio Dad; they said that’s whose voice is it is in my head, causing this fear of becoming a burden to so overwhelm me that I can’t even consider facing the possibility of a relationship with a chance for a future. I argued saying I did SO much work to get past his brainwashing I didn’t think it was his voice – for most my life I literally heard his voice in my head and I don’t any longer. So I pointed the root of the issue to the pain I’ve never fully worked through from how things ended with J, because I believed had everything not changed the instant I got injured I wouldn’t be so fearful. Now I see that it’s both; being emotionally abandoned after becoming injured was a nightmare beyond description and codependency issues cause me to feel like a burden, a direct result of psycho bio dad’s abuse so in a way, his voice in my head.

Suddenly what I thought was a battle for my future against my understandable fears due to my physical deterioration is revealed to have deep roots in the abuse I endured as a child. Well, I did tell my new therapist that I wanted to figure out how to work on whatever I need to now that I’ve realized I was molested…I just had no idea this could be related to that. They told me that future relationships would be different, as my friendships have proven at this point, because now I’d be entering into a relationship with a different foundation, knowledge about my disabilities, limitations, needs and boundaries that I never had before. I talked about how mindful I’ve become looking at the relationships into which I put my energy; what each person wants and needs, if those are being fulfilled and if not, can that be changed or is it better to let go and move on? I have come so far and am bolstered by my new skills, but I have a ways to get yet if I ever hope to have another relationship once the intimate side of things between Mr. Trustworthy and myself comes to an end. Still a few more tools I need to acquire and learn how to utilize before I’m ready to start that particular new foundation…

D/s & Punishment

What does punishment mean to me? I’ve never been in an established, healthy D/s relationship employing agreed upon consequences within established limits. I’ve certainly been punished by abusers and have zero interest in reliving any of that. When I was struggling so badly last winter I spent months living as a part-time slave to a Dom I met online, using extremes to escape into subspace…talking about and at times actually doing things I’d never even imagined before. I don’t remember exactly how it ended, but I finally said ‘no’ to something, set a boundary, and this guy ignored it. We’d never talked about limits or boundaries other than him telling me I shouldn’t have any, and given my mindset at the time and desire to live as a slave, an object rather than the pain of being a PERSON, I didn’t really try to set any. So when I finally drew a line and he crossed it I was extremely pissed off. He said I wasn’t every allowed to be angry at him so I told him this would never work as I’d never relinquish my right to feel my feelings, whatever they are, to him. He didn’t even bother to respond when I sent that message. I was really struggling with panic attacks getting out of control last year and the extremely deep subspace slavery allowed me to access was a powerful coping mechanism.

I get how unhealthy what I was doing was, and that finally ending it was the best thing for me – I’ve never doubted that decision or had any regret. In a lot of ways, living as a slave was everything I’d ever imagined; at times it even frightened me that I was able to sink to depths beyond anything I’d ever imagined and did so willingly and gratefully. It’s scary how much relief I found in surrendering my humanity, my individuality, my rights, my dignity…I gave everything he wanted right up until he wanted to rob me of my emotional freedom. And I craved more. I used to think I didn’t want to live as a slave, that it would be too much for me, too demanding, require giving up more than I’d want. It was the opposite actually – it’s so much easier to give up *everything* than it is to have a balanced relationship full of communication, negotiation, limits, boundaries. All of the things I have with Mr. Trustworthy that take effort, practice, commitment. Simply sacrificing ones entire individuality and autonomy, handing over absolute power over one’s self was frighteningly easy…not having to think for any reason, obey and nothing more, nothing less, gave an escape unlike any I’d ever had before. An unhealthy escape.

I’m not looking to use punishment as an escape now, I crave it as a way to reinforce my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy. As I said, I’m not testing him on purpose, but I can’t deny that I did test him. Which is ridiculous because I’ve tested him a bunch in the past always with the same result – never any punishment, no matter what I do. I’m not actually sure if I ever told him how badly I crave punishment, I probably didn’t until it came up again recently and he once again failed to fulfill this particular desire. On the one hand, what we have is GREAT and it’s been working extremely well for quite some time. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to break through some of my own issues and as we balance on these shifting sands, I fear this pain point could potentially hold us back in the continued growth of our relationship and evolution of our D/s…my submissive needs simply can’t be fulfilled if there are never any consequences for disobedience. Particularly when I disobey on something I’ve agreed to as happened recently when I orgasmed without permission after requesting Mr. Trustworthy deny me when I was masturbating rather than only when we’re together in person. The problem is, without consequences the control feels fake for me. If I can disobey my Dom without punishment why should I listen in the first place? I guess as outrageous as it feels to say this, it feels as though he hasn’t earned and may not deserve my submission if he won’t exert appropriate control consistently.

As best I can tell, this means that, for me, punishment feels like an integral part of submitting and being told I’d be punished and then having him never follow through felt like him letting me down in our D/s relationship…in a way the message that communicated to me was that I can’t trust what he says and perhaps even that I’m not important enough to be worth the effort of correcting misbehavior, he just doesn’t care that much. Trust is a journey, a living, breathing thing. I’ve come a very long way in learning and being willing to trust Mr. Trustworthy, having seen for myself that aside from mentions of punishment, I CAN trust his word and what he tells me. And in every other way he is truly phenomenal at showing me how deeply he cares. Which means it isn’t that he is an untrustworthy person, just that he isn’t a reliable Dom. I don’t think he understands the inherent fragility while building a D/s relationship, establishing and reinforcing the level of trust necessary to do it in a healthy way. How critical it is for the sub to be able to rely on you, whatever they may need due to D/s play. Back when this came up more frequently I didn’t know how to explain it to him so I just accepted that he wouldn’t punish me and tried to be okay with it – apparently I never got there. I hope working my way through this here will help him be able to understand or at least help me figure out where to start so he and I can have a productive conversation on the topic of punishment in our relationship.

1/20/23

So after your punishment for cumming last night I get to taste you

You’re sounding rather confident

Haven’t used my belt in a long time, it’s time

Haha that won’t work as a punishment love, I’m a masochist and I always take as much as I can before tapping out

Tho I’m not at all opposed to you making use of your belt 😆

Pain is provincial. Real control exists in the mind

It will when you’re sitting in the corner wanting it

Lol…warmer

I can explain what punishment means to me and once you better understand we can go from there 🙂

💙🥰💋

Lol…..

Not like you took a flogger to me after me saying I’m a masochist and we jumped in without more context right?

Right

I’m not a good bad guy…lol

…and that’s as far as the conversation went at the time. I sent Mr. Trustworthy the link to my last post ‘Testing, Testing…1, 2, 3…’ indirectly trying to explain that being punished would allow me to release the guilt I feel for being disobedient; how it would affirm his love for me and make me feel WANTED and fully *accepted*. I believe I was wholly inadequate in my endeavor to explain why I crave punishment, but I did admit I want it more than just about anything. While I always assumed feeling the need to be punished was outlandish, it now occurs to me that it’s much like kids, they crave boundaries and when one is crossed, a correction is called for…kids learn we care when we provide structure and consequences. This actually reinforces and strengthens the relationship, whereas ignoring misdeeds puts more and more space between those individuals, erodes trust and send the message one doesn’t care. How interesting, after all these years, to suddenly see my desire to be punished in this light. Maybe this new perspective will help me explain it to Mr. Trustworthy!?…although comparing the roles in our D/s relationship to a parent/child relationship makes me squirm uncomfortably just thinking about it…ugh!

Regardless, his mind went straight to impact toys at the idea of punishment, unsurprisingly. This provides difficulties as we don’t do a ton of impact play these days so it’s definitely a treat when we do and as a masochist I enjoy the pain and discomfort and actively get off on it, so that’s not a punishment. His suggesting of making me sit in the corner was definitely on the right track, but he doesn’t realize that the absolute harshest punishment he could ever give me would be denying me his attention and the limits on our time together would serve to exacerbate the severity – one orgasm after being forbidden is hardly a severe enough transgression to warrant such extremely harsh punishment. I wish I’d said something along those lines rather than just saying ‘Lol…warmer’ but progress not perfection! Lol. My hope is that I can give him formulas and either he or we together can use them to craft punishments somewhere in the middle of these two opposite ends of the spectrum…I’m thinking first choice: me suffering in a way that he actively enjoys; second choice: me suffering in a way he doesn’t enjoy but with which he is still comfortable.

The thing about the order in which I prioritize those is interesting to consider – perhaps even a paradox. If this revolved around ME the order would be reversed because him making me suffer in a way which he does not enjoy is him actively making a sacrifice in order to punish me, providing that much extra demonstration of his commitment to and care for me while absolving me of my misdeeds. Instead I believed my focus revolves around HIM so the option which allows me to provide pleasure to HIM takes the top spot. Then again, as a submissive my deepest desire is to please him, so maybe what it really is is more of a scale of degree of severity rather than priority because if it’s hierarchical choosing the option in which I get to provide him with pleasure is giving me what I want most when this is supposed to be a punishment…confusing much!? Lol. So yes, I no longer thing it’s a choice #1 & choice #2, it’s a scale. I always assumed if/when we have a discussion about punishments we’d come up with numerous ideas we could both agree on, and some would fall into one of those categories while others fell in the second category. I also knew the severity of the ideas for punishments would vary, it just hadn’t occurred to me before that these two considerations are directly linked! That actually makes the idea of using punishments which he does not actively enjoy much easier for me to accept #winning

So, what punishment means to me is that I am suffering; I’m doing something I genuinely don’t want to do, or not doing something I do want to do, far past the point at which I’d make a different choice under other circumstances. My masochism allows me to turn physical pain in to pleasure, so impact play would be tough. I’m sure there are instruments I’d not enjoy, especially anything particularly stingy, but there’s still a solid chance I’d be able to enjoy even that pain in a sensation I dislike. He could use impact play on parts of my body I don’t like, but given my fragile health I believe this would also be problematic in addition to the same issue as the prior idea. No, my punishments need to be about discomfort rather than direct physical pain. I always think how terrible it would be if he were to ask me how I think I should be punished, but actually I think that fear would disappear if we had a conversation to establish acceptable means of punishment and discussed how severely each method would be received. I wouldn’t have to fear naming a punishment that horrified him. As a result of his having said he’d punish me quite a few times and never following through I’ve become extremely insecure about these desires and terrified I’ll finally scare him off. In my head I KNOW he won’t abandon me, but I haven’t been able to overcome the feelings on this particular topic…I hope finally facing this conversation with him will resolve that 🙂

Punishment is a complex topic and necessitates an extremely individualized approach in my opinion. I want Mr. Trustworthy to be disappointed when I disobey him, both because he’s used to me being a good girl AND because he simply expects me to follow his orders because I’m the submissive and he’s the Dom. I want him to care enough to be at least a little upset if/when I disobey and I want him to care enough to go to the effort of punishing me, showing me that I’m still his even though I was bad, giving ME the chance to show him my genuine regret and desire to do BETTER. I want him to tell me what my punishment will be and make me verbally agree to the punishment…hell I kinda want him to make me verbally agree to all of his orders 😛 I’m attracted to the clarity and in a way even additional commitment involved by not just quietly accepting an order but by actively participating in the agreement that one will follow the order before even beginning to take action…really makes it tough to try and back out after hearing yourself agree out loud! Oh, the magic of active vs. passive consent 😉

I also believe sorting this out will benefit the switch side we’ve begun to explore, because I guarantee you there would be consequences if he disobeyed one of MY orders, and I suppose there’s fear on my end that he’d resent me because he never punishes me no matter what I do but I punish HIM for even the slightest transgression…how is that fair!? It’s not, and in this case it’s not the unfair-in-serving-a-purpose type of unfair that can be an incredibly useful tool in D/s but rather the bad for relationships type. If he doesn’t understand punishment enough to provide it for me, how will he really react when I expect HIM to endure a punishment? My instincts say not well, not well at all…SO. Figuring this out together will be good on many fronts. I hope I’ll be better equipped to explain than I have been in the past as well as more honest and open on this topic in general rather than continuing to hide from the conversation in fear. Wish us luck!

It’s Not The Years, It’s The Miles

Which am I more afraid of – becoming a burden or being abandoned again, maybe not surviving it next time? I’m young-ish so people think my future ought to be full of hope, especially once they know even a bit …

Testing, Testing…1, 2, 3…

Not super long ago Mr. Trustworthy and I were sexting and I was masturbating, telling him how close I was as I edged myself as long as possible. I was absolutely desperate for him to order me not to cum, something he’d only ever done in person. But I couldn’t help wanting him to take far more control over my orgasms, so I told him soon after how badly I’d wanted him to order me not to cum as I told him how close I was…he told me the thought of doing so had crossed his mind! I was super excited as I figured he’d be open to doing it to please me but if he’d thought of it on his own, he’d actually be doing it for HIMSELF which is a far greater turn on for me 😀

We’ve talked for a very long time about me masturbating on video for him sometime when he’s out of town for work, but I was extremely hesitant about actually *doing* it…I liked the idea but the reality felt too vulnerable for a long time. Still we continued to discuss the idea on occasion and I started fantasizing about it more and more, trying to get comfortable with the idea. Well, this seems to have paid off! So of course by the time I felt READY to do it none of the nights seemed to line up on his last trip and then he was just HOME for weeks, which is usually great for our sex life haha but in this particular case meant waiting to finally give this fantasy a try. Well, this week he was out of town. I hadn’t been feeling great but yesterday was all worked up and ready to go and in the afternoon we talked about doing it that night. I’d taken pot to help with my pain so it was easily 8p before it wore off and I could drive home to pick up a ring light phone stand thingy I’ve yet to try but thought would make this much better! It was almost 9:30p when I was back to where I’m currently staying and text him, super excited. It had been about an hour since I’d last heard from him but he’s reliably up until at least 10p so I was surprised when I didn’t hear back from him…turns out he fell asleep early. That was his last night out of town this week but he’s traveling again next week…I hope a night works out! I’m feeling excited and impatient after all this time working myself up to this!

E liked to video himself raping and beat me and even at only 18 I already had big, unique tattoos and was terrified for a very long time about where all that video would end up, so although I rarely experience any PTSD issues with pictures at this point, video is still tough for me, even live with the person I trust more than I’ve ever trusted *anyone*. I’m excited that I seem to be making progress on that front, just as I’ve made progress with feeling safe sending pictures to Mr. Trustworthy. I’m not sure if he knows just how scary such things can feel for me thanks to past trauma, but he is always so patient and never pushes me. I’ve never been loved even remotely close to the way he loves me…how did I get so lucky!?

Anyway, tonight he was on his way home and I get to see him tomorrow! I’m super excited and because I haven’t been feeling great, I haven’t masturbated in days which is unusual for me, so we got to sexting and I got SUPER riled up way faster than normal. I’d pretty much planned on spending the afternoon edging myself to several orgasms when he text me early afternoon and told me I couldn’t cum until I see him tomorrow. I didn’t agree but I also didn’t refuse…I did however put off masturbating for 2+ hours knowing he’d done exactly what I want and moved to assert additional control over my orgasms, which instantly made my arousal level skyrocket! A factor I didn’t initially take in to account is that I’d also taken a pot gummy to help with my pain this afternoon, but I realized pretty quickly once I started masturbating that I felt different than usual…my nipples were EXTRA sensitive and feeling even better than normal as I gently pinched and tugged and twisted them, trying to delay giving any attention to my sopping wet pussy and throbbing clit. As soon as I gave in and pulled out my preferred vibrator to start off with I sent him a text, hoping he’d enjoy knowing I was masturbating but *not* cumming simply because he’d told me not to. I made it almost exactly an hour but I was edging within ten minutes when usually I can play for an hour or longer before I’m truly close…dang pot! So ten minutes in I’m already having to give myself a moment to calm down lest I fall over the edge of an orgasm I’m explicitly forbidden and I manage to spend the next FIFTY minutes edging myself again and again and again…the amount of time and stimulation between each edge getting narrower and narrower as I just can’t seem to truly calm down…

And then I lost control 😦

It was truly an accident, I thought I could stop in time, just like I had been. Now that the pot’s worn off I can see the progression and feel like it should’ve been obvious that I genuinely couldn’t take any more edging, but I guess my judgment was impaired so I didn’t realize that at the time and slipped. I was instantly feeling guilty but also rebellious as I had a couple of clear choices…stop what I was doing and ruin the majority of the orgasm I’d been forbidden or turn up my toy and extend and make the orgasm as intense and pleasurable as possible and I chose the latter. I confessed to Mr. Trustworthy right away that I’d cum on accident, but I failed to volunteer the details. I’m trying to console myself with the fact that I didn’t follow through with the SECOND part of my usual masturbation routine, fucking myself senseless with my huge dildo so I can follow my clitoral orgasm with a deep, g spot/cervical orgasm and the incredible feeling of my pussy being stretched and fucked hard…I always cum hardest like this, following a clitoral orgasm first. All the attention on my clit makes my pussy insanely jealous!!! So anyway, I did try to get the most out of the accidental orgasm but I did NOT give myself the second orgasm that I crave so badly.

Still, I disobeyed. Mr. Trustworthy text me, ‘Punishment then’ and I responded ‘I certainly wouldn’t deny having earned one’ and that’s the last I heard on that topic. My first instinct was to instead respond, ‘I’ve heard that before!’ but taunting him felt mean spirited and resentful/passive aggressive rather than submissive as I want to be, so I managed to rein myself in. It’s not that I consciously WANT to test him, it’s just instinct, my submissive side wanting more PROOF that he wants me and loves me even if I’m bad, even if I fail, even if I’m bratty, even if I’m naughty…and I guess for me my submission doesn’t feel complete if he won’t actually punish me should I fail to follow through when he’s in charge. He hasn’t ever punished me and I’m not sure he knows how, although I could certainly teach him! Lol. But I guess the fact he has never punished me makes me feel like I’m too much, like I need and want and am asking too much of him. Like my needing to be punished is more than he can handle. Which I hate! I know there are ways in which he could punish me that wouldn’t have to involve pain for me with which he was uncomfortable or anything that scares him, there are a million ways to deny a submissive to punish them and I’m certain we have MORE than enough creativity between us to find workable options. I even tried to bring this up a long time ago, saying something about us never having discussed and agreed on punishments for me, but he didn’t take the bait. I want him to punish me more than *anything*…it would absolve me of my guilt, let me feel that I’d proven my commitment to him and to following through with things I agree to do for him. I’d feel so much BETTER if he would punish me, and I’d feel so much more secure in our relationship (which feels insane to even say because our relationship is unbelievably strong, yet somehow this is still true). To me punishment is an affirmation of everything our power exchange and our entire relationship represents and is built upon, and not getting that weighs on me. Maybe I’m at fault here for not discussing this with him, but it’s been a while since I last thought about it. I’ve gotten so good at controlling my orgasms and he doesn’t order me around hardly at all, so the topic hasn’t come up in quite some time. Maybe that’s party why I’ve been feeling the itch more and more for a return to impact play and craving him controlling me so much more lately.

I feel like there’s so much going on in our relationship right now, with me trying to let out my dominant streak but also feeling like he’s getting more dominant with me recently, which I LOVE but it’s also super confusing to be alternately dominant AND submissive to the same person…I never imagined that was possible. Part of why I’ve never really felt like the term ‘switch’ applies to me even though I undoubtedly enjoy both roles. Now he stepped up and did what I asked and I responded by immediately defying him. Will he actually punish me? I honestly can’t imagine that he would. Even as I type I’m wrestling with myself because the deal is no secrets but everything in me is railing against the idea of sending him the link to this post to read for himself. I don’t want to talk about this. I’m uncomfortable with my fantasies and desires and I’m TERRIFIED of scaring him off, even if I know in my head that’s not at all likely. Thank you PTSD & abandonment issues…what fun would life be without these constant companions!? I don’t want him to feel forced to punish me and much like when I’m in charge, I’m afraid of accidentally pushing him too far in his desire to please me and ruining all that we have. If he reads this, how will he feel? He gives me so fucking MUCH…more than I ever could’ve imagined in so many ways, but I’m still greedy for more. I feel guilty and afraid, and a little bit hopeless too on the punishment front. It almost hurts too much to even hope that might be a realistic possibility and yet neither can I extinguish the desire which feeds the spark of hope I so wish to crush.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m very proud of myself for facing the areas in which trauma and PTSD have continued to hold me back, but this type of work is never easy and in spite of how much I’ve worked through in the past, each issue seems to entail its own unique hell and experience working through other trauma doesn’t ever appear to make other issues any easier I guess that’s where grit comes in to play, which (for better or worse!) I have in spades. I’m so stubborn they say Mules are as stubborn as ME! Haha. Ugh…everything inside of me just feel so complicated and uncertain right now as I face this stuff and work through the effects on my relationship with Mr. Trustworthy – I don’t think some of this would even be possible for me to work through if I didn’t have him and all that we’ve built together.

I will NOT let fear control me.

I KNOW communication and honesty *always* feels better, because I need to be accepted for who I am authentically, not who I can pretend to be or the pretty facade I can portray.

I will NOT start hiding from Mr. Trustworthy now.

Fear has only the power I give it – I am not giving any more power away!

I was victimized. I was in a fight that was not a fair fight. I did not ask for or deserve that fight. I WON! My only job was to survive and I did. There is no shame in surviving such a fight. I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember. I was a victim. I AM a survivor, a warrior with a future! [my personal adaptation of the wonderful Survivors Psalm which can be easily googled]

And I chose to live passionately, authentically, unapologetically 🙂

I DESERVE to be fought for, loved, protected. I am WORTH IT!

So, trust Mr. Trustworthy I shall…

Not The Same

I’m not the same. Maybe that’s a good thing, I’ve changed every time I’ve fallen in love. I’m going to have to face him; I wish I could stop thinking about that fact. Will he try to talk to me? Or reach out after? I genuinely hope not – there’s only one thing not work related I want to hear from him, and it isn’t an apology. Sadly I don’t believe there’s any realistic possibility that he’d be able to honestly tell me he’d quit drinking…and I hate that I’m still this fixated on his alcohol abuse!

It’s HIS choice.

I cannot save him.

How do I get over the idealized version of him I’ve held in my mind for so long? I’m facing the reality and making better choices, setting boundaries, standing up for myself. But I can’t change that he me made me want things…the kinds of things that terrify me, that are absolutely off limits; the kinds of things Mr. Trustworthy wants for my future. I was never delusional enough to believe there was any chance for anything real between myself and Mr. Trouble and yet the fantasies still have a brutally painful hold on me. It hurts! I desperately want it to GO. AWAY!

Part of me still wishes I’d never met him and could return to the ignorance that the way he affected me is even possible, but that just feels like wasted energy. I’m trying really hard not to live in the past and to accept my feelings rather than fighting them, but I don’t much feel like I’m succeeding at the moment…

Trouble

He has shown me through his actions, over and over again, telling me: I’m not going to change.

He made me feel seen in the past, but now he is too cowardly to face me, listen to me, talk honestly with me.

He wanted me at my worst but he can’t handle me at me best, he fears my light

I can’t save him. I can’t fix anything for him.

He is not willing to fight for himself.

Love is not enough for a healthy relationship

Relationships take TWO and he isn’t able to put in the work so he could be in my life

He gets to choose.

He used my first name accidentally when he, the bff and I were all drunk and he briefly spoke to the bff on the phone while the bff and I were hanging out…Mr. Trouble wasn’t expecting the bff to be with me or for me to say hello or be able to hear him talking to the bff even though he wasn’t on speakerphone…I guess I just know his voice too well…

I didn’t feel seen when he used my first name the way I used to…probably another sign that I truly am NOT in love with him anymore

I deserve better

He has to want to change

He can’t do it for anyone else, including me

I deserve to let go of the intrinsic need to help him – I can’t and the desire is hurting me

I have to accept people for who they are, not live in the world of idealist possibility. He’s had every chance to change, grow, improve and instead he has chosen a path of destruction. I refuse to go down with him!

I was open, honest, vulnerable and he ran. He ran from the truth rather than face it and this is his thoroughly established pattern. I won’t accept a relationship where the other person can’t be honest with themselves or me. I’m done watching him run away in fear

His fear doesn’t give him the right to silence me. I did nothing wrong by sending that text telling him the truth about how I feel

I have zero control over Mr. Trouble or his alcoholism, all I can do is accept reality and protect myself.

I deserve to be protected. I have to let go of the image in my mind of the man he could’ve been were he not such a coward; he is who he is. I *know* that because I love him, all of him, even his flaws. But I can’t be in love with the idealistic version of him I’d hoped to see him grow into. He gave up. I have to accept that and let go.

I deserve to feel free again!

Struggling

Last week I did it – I took the lead in bed with Mr. Trustworthy. As soon as he got out of bed to clean up I was hit with the most severe panic attack I’ve had in a long time.

Now I feel totally unstable and, for the first time in a long time, reckless. I’m confused and hurting and afraid. A few things have happened recently which are probably compounding my current emotional difficulties, not the least of which is the constant pain of Mr. Trouble’s alcoholism. About a month ago I started becoming friends with a coworker I didn’t know super well and it turns out we have a lot in common. Then a couple days ago I sent him a text and he told me he’d have to talk to me later after his wife had gone to bed. Um…what!? So I asked him if our friendship was a secret from her and he said ‘yes’. I told him I wasn’t okay with being friends if it meant he had to lie to his wife, but I feel guilty that we’d been talking for weeks and apparently it was all behind her back. I have no nefarious intentions here, I was only looking to build a new friendship. He took it pretty hard from what I can tell and I hate to have hurt him but I don’t regret setting boundaries.

What I do regret is how uncertain this has made me suddenly feel about my friendship with NJ. Not only have we been talking regularly for several months at least, but we’ve hung out one on one a bunch of times as well. Again, no nefarious intentions here! I totally admit that I’m attracted to NJ but really I never had a chance the way that guy rides a motorcycle! But I have never made a move on him or sexted with him…I’ll admit we were too close to boundaries that should not be crossed at least once, but I kinda figured we were both testing out the boundaries of our friendship and feeling one another out for want of a better term, figuring out what our friendship was going to look like and how it was going to work. I debated back and forth whether or not it was worth mentioning to Mr. Trustworthy and decided to see if it was a one-off or a pattern. Nothing similar ever happened again and lately I’ve been feeling extremely safe and secure in that friendship. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made the same mistake and my friendship with NJ is a secret from his wife too!? Really not a good feeling and while I’d regret the loss of this most recent friendship, I don’t rely on it; I do rely on my friendship with NJ, a great deal. I’m afraid to ask NJ the same question because I don’t know what I’m going to do if he gives the same answer??? After months of friendship and hanging out one on one multiple times, NJ coming clean with his wife seems like it would be too late for his and my friendship to ever be okay with her…meaning I’d have to end the friendship. I can’t *not* ask him, but I may try to put off asking him until I’m feeling a bit more stable. I’m honestly not sure if I can handle losing that friendship right now.

So, now I’m afraid of losing the one friend I really rely on in addition to Mr. Trustworthy. It doesn’t help that J has disappeared recently, probably has his hands full with his new girlfriend who treats him like shit. Maybe I was a bit too honest about my concerns and telling him he doesn’t deserve how she treats him. I care about him and I miss talking; I was shocked when he told me he couldn’t make plans to get together for lunch/dinner sometime unless he talked to her and that she already didn’t love that he and I are friends and talk. I understand what it’s like to feel jealous, but I really don’t understand why people allow this feeling to determine their actions? Not long after we got married I seriously considered leaving H when he wouldn’t allow me to get lunch with J – quite the declaration when I’d hooked up with J since H and I had been together because H wanted me to! So I can have sex with my ex, but I can’t be platonic friends with him…makes so much sense…! Seeing J going through the same thing and now understanding how controlling and unhealthy that type of behavior is makes me sad for him. I was so excited that he was finally dating again, putting himself out there and willing to be open to a new relationship. Unfortunately he seems far less willing to let go of a bad one.

The bff being back in my life has also been difficult. He is very flaky and although I believe he has good intentions he just isn’t at all reliable, which is extremely frustrating. I don’t reach out to him when I’m struggling like I did the first time we were friends, which is disappointing. Plus the bff is the one who made me aware of how out of control Mr. Trouble’s drinking is again and I’m still struggling with that knowledge every day. Once I sent Mr. Trouble a text essentially saying goodbye I improved, but I have yet to get over it enough for the pain to stop.

I haven’t been able to see Mr. Trustworthy since my panic attack which has been difficult. Originally I’d planned to let my dominant streak off leash on a trip out of town, so I’d have plenty of time with Mr. Trustworthy after in case I had a hard time (which I knew was likely). In spite of my intentions, this never materialized and with no out of town trips currently planned, I gave in when I finally felt confident enough to try taking the lead. It was great during and very intense after as we came down, but as soon as I lost physical contact with Mr. Trustworthy I unraveled hard. He was wonderful and helped me a ton, doing everything I asked. But eventually he had to leave and I wasn’t yet in a place to talk about everything. He texted me asking if he triggers me and I just couldn’t bring myself to try and answer via text, asking if we could talk in person? I’m hoping I will feel better Monday when I get to see him, touch him, talk to him. Try to explain my emotions and how I feel about him is what triggers me, that it’s entirely caused by trauma and how badly I’ve been hurt, abused and emotionally devastated by those I’ve loved in the past.

I’m concerned about his reaction to my panic attack, about his reaction to how I’ve reacted and been struggling. I wanted to face this but maybe I got ahead of myself and took on too much too fast? Was I just looking for an escape from how I’ve been hurting because of Mr. Trouble? Was I trying to prove to myself that if I could be dominant in bed with Mr. Trouble, enjoy myself and have everything go smoothly, I could do so with Mr. Trustworthy too? I’ve long felt guilty due to my ability to be dominant with Mr. Trouble but not Mr. Trustworthy. Was I reacting to Mr. Trustworthy having been on my blog, knowing the things he’s read about regarding my feelings and conversations with Mr. Trouble? I feel like I don’t know anything right now, least of all my own motivations. There can be no doubt, the dramatic difference in my feelings for these two men makes all the difference when it comes to my fears about my dominant streak. Losing Mr. Trouble is a heartbreak I’ve been through over and over again, a guaranteed eventuality from the start. But to lose Mr. Trustworthy? It could be as devastating as H’s suicide and while I want to believe I’d be strong enough to survive, I’m not sure I truly *believe* I would. I know Mr. Trustworthy can’t understand my level of fear and panic, nor how it feels to be hijacked by PTSD. I wanted to be strong enough to work through this but based on how I’m feeling tonight, maybe I’m not ready.

Maybe I will feel a ton better once I can see Mr. Trustworthy Monday and talk to him; I hope so! But right now my instincts are screaming to go running back to Mr. Trouble and I hate myself for that urge. It’s this more than anything that has me feeling afraid; clearly I’m super overwhelmed to be feeling THAT! I’m reflexively wanting to use Mr. Trouble as a form of emotional self harm again, a coping mechanism I’d thought I’d been past for quite some time now. This resurgence is beyond unwelcome and painful, making me feel guilty, discouraged and ashamed. I didn’t expect facing these fears to go smoothly, but I didn’t expect to spin out this hard either. I hope I can find the strength to pull myself back to some semblance of emotional balance again soon…if not, I’m afraid of what mistakes I’ll make next…