Update & Revision

Good morning! I slept in this morning, just got up and am on my exercise bike now 🙂 Yesterday I stepped things up and added stretching in to my routine, important but ouchy and not fun. However, I felt great later in the day. I’ve never actually been one to start my day with exercise or stretching, even though I know doing both in the mornings is the most beneficial. I’m not certain how it will go once my neck heals and I’m back to working both of my jobs, but I’m hoping if I can get the habit entrenched enough now it will be easier to stick to later.

I also continued my research on anti-inflammatory and fibromyalgia friendly diets and realized I made a mistake the other day….zucchini is not a nightshade food, eggplant is. Not sure how I confused the two! But this makes me very happy as I love zucchini and almost never eat eggplant. I did have a dream that my guy made me breakfast, an egg scramble, and I was suuuuper torn about whether to just shut up and eat it or stick to my guns, apologize, and not it eat. Good news is my guy knows I’m cutting everything out right now and I don’t think that will actually happen lol.

Anyway, as I may have implied, I did exercise first thing yesterday and am doing so today as well! I hope tracking my progress with my new exercise and diet endeavors will help me to stay on track. I’ve done a good journal at least a couple of times in the past but that feels like such a big commitment, whereas this seems more manageable for me and still builds in accountability. Here’s hoping for a great weekend!

Advertisements

Update & New Restrictions

Okay, today is day three. Once again I started my day by getting up and doing 15 minutes on my recumbent exercise bike, which felt great. I’ll admit though, last night I fell asleep unexpectedly at 8:30pm! I’m guessing my new exercise routine combined with a big Costco trip to stock up on healthy foods (read: lots of lifting and carrying big, heavy things!) and some cleaning wore me out more than I realized. But when my alarm went off at 7:30am this morning I felt wide awake and ready to start my day! Super unusual as I am not at all a morning person and never use caffeine. Felt great!

This morning I had to drive to see my pain care specialist for trigger point injections. I’ve done this in the past to help manage my fibromyalgia pain and muscle spasms so I knew what to expect, but this time the target was focusing on my neck injury from the car accident back in June. I’m not sure if I’d just forgotten how extremely painful TPIs are or if it really was worse because we were treating something different this time, but it was pretty rough. I did get the usual near-instant intense relief, so much so that I got dizzy and light headed for a few minutes. However, by the time I drove home I was starting to hurt and my pain level has continued to rise all day. Again I knew to expect this and hope to feel great when I wake up in the morning, but getting through this evening is rough.

The other good news is I’m sticking to my diet 100% so far! However, I was reading online about potential trigger foods and realized there are some foods I love and have been eating that are in the nightshade family with potatoes and if I truly want to do everything I can to reduce inflammation and pain, I need to also cut out:

  • Tomatoes
  • Zucchini
  • Bell pepper

Sad! I’m really hoping to be able to add some of the foods I’m cutting out this month back in to my diet in the future, but I’m pretty sure I react poorly to potatoes, so although I also love these three foods it’s worth it to me, at least for now, to try cutting them out and see how I feel.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Fresh Start

Yesterday I made a decision – I’m going vegan. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past year and after being rear-ended in June I’ve been dealing with a significant neck injury. I’ve been feeling so out of control, fat, ugly and just horrible about myself. So, starting yesterday, I’m taking back control. I’m still super limited in what I can do physically because my neck is still healing but I own a recumbent exercise bike and yesterday and today, as soon as I got up I started my day with 15 minutes on it. I know from experience I have to go slow and I’m going to do this right this time.

So, two days in a row I’ve actually exercised which is SO exciting even if it is only a little. The diet is a bit more complicated as I need to respect my fibromyalgia, mixed connective tissue disease and sensitivity to sulfides. I’ve done some research and in addition to going vegan, I’m also cutting out:

  • wheat
  • potatoes
  • berries
  • any drinks other than water & alcohol

I know from previous experience that I felt much better when I cut out meat, limited dairy and avoided trigger foods like berries & grapes for about two years, so this time I’m taking it a step further and totally cutting out dairy. For years I’ve avoided tuna because of the whole mercury and heavy metals thing and I object to farm raised seafood but I do occasionally eat wild caught salmon, crab, halibut etc. For this round I haven’t made up my mind about whether or not I’m willing to include wild-caught seafood so for now that’s TBD.

Well, that’s the update for now! Here’s hoping these changes help me feel better and lose some weight over the next month or so 🙂

Is it Impossible?

 

“I don’t love you and I never will.” That’s what I said to J years ago, before I even met H and after I’d already cheated on J. J told me every girl he’d ever dated had cheated on him and I was certain I wouldn’t…I had never cheated! Then I did; I tried to justify it to myself by texting J after I’d slept with the guy I should’ve realized long before didn’t want me and breaking up with J, but now I think I was just being a coward. I got back together with J in like a week! I wanted to see if this other guy would finally agree to date me and keep J as a back-up plan I guess. I was so awful to J; I hate the person I used to be.

 

I’ve been seeing J for the past month or so. He was there to support me, without hesitation, without any expectations. He lets me talk about H’s death, or not. Let’s me cry, rage, rant, whatever. I was in a really bad place one night and he just drove all the way here and sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone. He stayed with me all night and it helped tremendously. Let’s be honest though, I was never going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with him. I talked to my therapist one day, telling her how I was leaning on J more than any of my other friends or family and how scary that was, and also that I feared it would be the end of the world if I slept with him. She assured me it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I went full speed ahead!

 

Juicy details first…J is still amazing in bed, no surprise! What is a surprise is how easily he was enticed into spanking me, which quickly progressed to choking me, then had me admitting how much I like belts, which he just so happens to own! J didn’t know anything about BDSM but he has good instincts; he insists on lots of clear communication and we haven’t tried anything without talking about it first. He frequently also reminds me of my hard limits just to show me that he knows what they are. We both knew he really likes sex, but neither of us knew he has a dominant streak! Looking back I’m not too surprised; there’s no question that although he’s a bit more introverted than not, he’s definitely an alfa male through and through. In fact, I think this is why I feared him in the past, because E was also an alfa male and I didn’t have any other experience with true alfas.

 

I’ve also never felt so comfortable being my true self. It isn’t nearly as hard to talk to J about what I want, what I fantasize about, the things that scare me and excite me and what I fear might break me. I’m able to let down wall after wall around him, both through my submission and through real, genuine communication. The trust between us has been deepening quickly as we explore BDSM and his toppy side, plus we talk constantly. Another refreshing trait of J’s is that he is very intelligent. When we talk it isn’t mundane drabble, it’s real conversation, something I’ve been mostly starved of in my recent past. Now for the down side – what is hard is that J is a reminder, a very real tie, to my ugly past.

 

Back then he wasn’t the right guy for me with his disregulated, constant anger. And I wasn’t the right girl with my undiagnosed, rampant PTSD. But now? Neither of us is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he has a different career altogether, is successful, has much better communication skills and manages his anger much more effectively. And as for me, I’m seeing him in a whole new light. I’m crazy about him, I love him. I don’t know if I’m *in* love with him, I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now? But I don’t doubt for a moment that I do love him. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep those three words from slipping out. He loves me and has admitted as much, we’ve both acknowledged this. Does he know that I love him too?

 

 

But it feels impossible. H has only been dead for like six weeks! How can I start a new relationship? J knows I’m pretty much trying to rebuild my life from scratch at the moment and am a bit lost as to who I even am. What I am sure of is that I want J in my life. If I was just divorced I would be happy and feel like I was moving forward with my life like I wanted, in control. Free to chose whatever is right for ME! Instead I fear the consequences of falling in love too soon, of loving too easily, of growing dependent and building my life around a man AGAIN, possibly to my own detriment, AGAIN. And as J keeps telling me, he knows the score. He is counting on me moving on. But it hurt so much. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, I want to give him everything!

 

J has said over and over again that he’s long ago healed and forgiven me for how terribly I treated him in the past; unfortunately, I haven’t forgiven myself. And I keep getting reminders of just how awful I was…I get confused by his behavior here and there, so I ask about it and end up with an answer like being reminded I used to feel like he was around too much and he doesn’t want to end up in that position again, so he only comes to see me when I specifically invite him. Totally fair, but oh my god it hurts to know he has to try to protect himself from me like that. It hurts even more because I know I was right back then when I said I didn’t love him and I never could – the person I was back then couldn’t have ever gotten past the fear no matter how long we’d stayed together. I want to believe I’m different now, but how can I be sure? And how much am I willing to risk?

 

When push comes to shove, can I be certain I won’t betray J again? And even if I could be sure, does that make any real difference? He isn’t asking for or expecting anything but right now and for me to be honest with him when I’m ready to move on. I know he will let me go instantly, no strings attached. But I don’t want him to let me go! One night he was feeling possessive, he gave me a hickey and growled ‘Mine!’ while we were having sex. God I came completely undone! I want to be his so badly. I guess it’s different every time, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so accepted as J makes me feel; I like who I am with him. Is it too late to rewrite our story?