Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

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Temptation

  It’s been maybe six months now since I called things off with O. We’d been hooking up fairly regularly and while I always enjoyed our rolls in the hay, there wasn’t domination occurring. In fairness I wasn’t asking him … Continue reading

Evolution

So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading

Sex and Intimacy – Where does one end and the other begin?

I learned so much from my cloverleaf; I’ve grown and changed in ways that make me proud. Accepting my polyamorous nature has brought about a sense of inner peace, a quiet contentment replacing much of my feelings of inadequacy and … Continue reading

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Part I

4 Leaf Clover

Last Sunday H and I spent the day with B and his wife. It was amazing! We went to a video store and rented a movie, bought lunch and went back to their place. We crowded onto a three-person couch to watch the movie and eat lunch. It was cozy and comfortable. We talked and laughed and got along great, and I FINALLY got to touch B! We had some drinks and played some games on the bed. We incorporated stripping and making out into our game and soon we were all either tipsy or drunk and naked. The chemistry did not disappoint and we spent more time in separate rooms than all together on the bed. Both were great!

After spending the entire day together, we agreed to go boating the next day as we were all off for labor day. The boating was completely PG as we were out in a group with various co-workers and my parents, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. I quickly realized that I cannot get enough of them! B and his wife have a queen size bed so it was very intimate with all of us sharing it on Sunday and I loved every second of it! I was really looking forward to getting closer to B’s wife as she is exactly my type physically, but the boys had other plans for us…I got to make out with her and play with her tits a bit, but that was about all. She did finger me and eat me out for a few minutes (just long enough to make me squirt!). Apparently neither B nor his wife had ever seen a girl squirt before that day; luckily for me they both love it! They couldn’t seem to get enough and I soaked their bed. Good times!

The following week was rough for me emotionally (for unrelated reasons), and I worked hard on opening up to B and letting him in. It wasn’t easy but he did not disappoint; B is so kind, caring and supportive. He makes me feel incredibly loved. Needless to say I’ve completely fallen for him. I’m quite a ways down the road to trusting him completely already – far enough down that road in fact that I finally had the energy and emotional capacity to reach out to B’s wife and begin to deepen our relationship. I asked her if we could spend some one-on-one time together soon and we agreed to have a coffee date Saturday morning. We had previously made plans for the four of us to get together Friday night, which was, in a word, spectacular!

B and his wife came over to our place Friday evening. B had a rough day at work, so we talked about that for a while to give him a chance to unwind while H and B’s wife talked about I don’t know what (but they were smiling and laughing so all was good). Everyone had a drink in hand and we were all relaxed. Pretty soon B wanted to relocate from the kitchen area to the family room where H and B’s wife were sitting. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. B was already hard and I was wet in no time! We couldn’t wait and started fucking in the chair while we were both still fully dressed…it was H-O-T! H and B’s wife meanwhile were getting down to business on the couch but soon relocated to the bedroom and our king sized bed. B and I could hear them going at it, but we were busy soaking the couch and both of us. I can’t remember the last time I squirted so hard or so much!!!

Eventually B and I made it to the bedroom to join H and B’s wife. The king size bed and mirrored closet doors made for a great view for all involved. Eventually we all slowed down and B’s wife and I decided to take some time paying attention to one another with the men on either side of us. Neither B nor his wife have ever had anal sex, but I told her how much I love DP and how intense it is, which got her curious. I was prepared with lube and Booty Ease (sold by Pure Romance). I went to town on B’s wife; fingering her, eating her out, and playing with her ass. In no time flat she was moaning, breathing hard, flushed and tensing up. I had three fingers in her ass and four in her pussy and had to back off repeatedly so she wouldn’t orgasm before I had a chance to really enjoy her gorgeous body. I finally let her cum and it was beautiful. She is so amazing and I loved showing her how good she could feel doing something for the first time. At one point I was covered in sweat and cum and decided to go rinse off in the shower. I’d warned both B and his wife early on that I have issues with water, and I had since explained to B that E nearly drowned me more than once in a shower. Friday night I was comfortable enough that I gave an open invitation for anyone to join me to rinse off in the shower, which was a huge deal for me. B’s wife ended up joining me and I didn’t feel threatened at all; in fact, I really enjoyed it! Hopefully it will be that easy when B and I finally shower together too.

By the time we were done sexing each other up it was pushing 2 a.m. I did NOT want them to leave. I wanted the four of us to go to bed and sleep together. That’s probably what I would consider my wildest fantasy. It didn’t happen, B and his wife took off and went home as I knew they would. H and I knocked out our “bonus round” as I like to call it – H and I always have sex just the two of us after an experience with other people – and we slept soundly. Saturday morning I met up with B’s wife and we ended up at a local Shari’s where we ate and talked for hours. We really got to know each other and have an amazing amount in common. I freely admit I’ve continued to hold certain things back from both her and B, including my history of self injury and having affairs with married men. My plan is to tell B these things as soon as I get a chance to one-on-one, I think it will go a long way toward helping me let go of my remaining fear that B won’t truly want me once he gets to know the real me. After I tell him I will tell his wife. She and I really bonded Saturday morning and it was not a moment too soon!

B and I have been texting a lot and talking about our fears in this polyamorous relationship. We’ve been helping each other feel better overall, and I’m grateful the lines of communication seem to be so open between the four of us so far. I really hope that lasts. For my part I’m truly fighting my instincts every step of the way to let them in, and the rewards so far are beyond my wildest imagination. I want this so badly. B and I have also continued to discuss BDSM here and there and I am more confident than ever that we will at least try it, I just want to take things slow. I was even brave enough to tell him my fantasy of being spanked with a leather belt! He didn’t act shocked with I was very grateful for. However, none of the four of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship before and we have two separately established marriages to maintain as we get to know each other and discover what we want. It’s very strange to have all of the intense feelings I associate with dating when I’m already married and have commitments on my time that I can’t unilaterally change. It’s complicated and confusing, but so worth it. I am absolutely falling in love with both B and his wife. It’s terrifying to be so emotionally invested, and yet I can’t not be. I’m trying really hard to take things at a responsible pace with B…I keep reminding us both that we have time. I think at this point it’s challenging in a good way for us both – even if it does leave us constantly craving more. There is so much more that we’ve talked about and that I’ve learned which is worth discussing, but I’d better call it a night. More to come in the Cloverleaf Chronicles ❤

The Four Leaf Clover

4 Leaf Clover

Faith, Hope, Love & Luck

What better symbol could there be for a polyamorous foursome? Faith is an integral part of any relationship. I must have faith that I’m good enough for my partner(s), that I deserve happiness, faith that my partner(s) want me and faith in our commitment to one another. Faith that my partner(s) won’t leave me. Hope is equally key for happiness. Relationships are a lot of work, there are always going to be bad times along with the good times. Without hope for the future, what would be the point of continuing? Love is perhaps obvious, but so many people have loveless relationships I believe this should never be overlooked.   I can admit in the privacy of my own head (and apparently blog!) that I crave love, I need it as I need air. I’m also terrified of love; falling in love with H nearly destroyed me. Unfortunately I’m greedy, now that I have a taste I want more, more, moreI want the friendship, the intimacy, the lover, and I want it so much I can’t help but want more people who truly know me, accept me and want me. No surprise I’d be poly huh? The last leaf of the four leaf clover represents luck, and who couldn’t use more of that in life!?

Tomorrow H and I are going to spend the day with B and his wife. We’ve all met up a couple of times in public to spend time together; B and I have seen each other some one-on-one but in public, and H and B’s wife have had lunch and seen each other a time or two in addition to that, but again, always in public. Tomorrow H and I are going to their place to drink, relax, get to know each other and probably get intimate for the first time. We already talked about matters of protection and made sure all parties were in agreement, so we are all looking forward to enjoying one another. I’m extremely excited, but I’m also nervous. I want this so badly, and I’m not sure if we are all as compatible as my gut says we are. What if I’m just fooling myself? I also noticed that although I talk about B regularly with H, he never mentions B’s wife even though I know they talk every day. I asked him about it last night and he said he hadn’t really though about it, but that she was coming on strong and he didn’t want the pressure of feeling he and she are dating. B and I feel like we are dating and agree that it’s enjoyable, but H is feeling pressured which is less than ideal.

H told me that he understands B’s wife has a lot of freedom at work, but things at his work have been extremely busy and stressful lately so the timing is bad for her to constantly be wanting attention from him. B’s wife is also a bit jealous of the time B and I have spent one-on-one since she and I haven’t had that opportunity, which likely makes her want attention from H that much more. H assured me that he is still attracted to B’s wife and wants to become friends; H is still happy with the direction things are heading, he just needs a chance to become more comfortable with B’s wife. I felt both relief and new concern after H and I talked about this situation. I am glad that he is still interested but concerned H wouldn’t want a true polyamorous relationship. This concern isn’t new, but I had set it aside as all indications were that H is open to wherever things between us may go. However, if he doesn’t want to date, does that mean he only wants friends with benefits? Because I want more than that.

It’s possible that H would enjoy polyamory and just doesn’t like the awkwardness of getting to know people on the front end, so that’s what I’m hoping at this point. If he truly isn’t comfortable with deeper relationships between us it’s going to be very difficult for B and I to be just friends or even casual sex partners. My submissive nature complicates things further; B has a dominant side but no BDSM experience. And my only experiences were under abusive circumstances rather than consensual ones, so not really BDSM at all.

H & B both know I am submissive, but I think B has a better understanding of my needs and desires than H does. B’s wife and I have not discussed anything personal about myself yet – truth be told, I really only have the energy to build one intimate relationship at a time, so B’s wife has to wait in line! I truly like her and enjoy talking to her, but we haven’t really begun becoming close yet. I am certain that will happen if things between us remain stable and don’t evaporate before we really even begin. B and I talked a lot tonight and he seems genuine in his desire for a D/s dynamic between us, but we are not anywhere near ready for that yet. I must admit though, it’s a nice change to have a guy I care about want to use and dominate me! I hope we get to explore the world of BDSM together eventually.

That’s all for now on the cloverleaf, more to come after tomorrow! Hopefully there will still be a cloverleaf after tomorrow..! Wish us luck 🙂

Opening Up

Today I told B about the abuse I endured when I was 18. It was a big step with him because I know he is attracted to damaged girls and likes to feel needed. I like B and I want him, but I don’t need him. I want our relationship to be healthy for both of us (as well as our spouses!), so telling him things that make me feel vulnerable and make him feel the urge to protect me is of some concern. I think the conversation went well, he was supportive and sensitive without overreacting in any way. B had some questions based on things we’ve talked about that I could only answer with this story, and I felt like I was creating drama by hiding this secret. So, I took the plunge.

This was the first time I’ve discussed the abuse since I came to terms with some of it earlier this year. The experience was interesting; I’ve definitely let go of most of the shame and guilt that I use to feel. I am really proud of myself for no longer believing the abuse was my fault and blaming myself. I think the fact that I have a healthier understanding of what happened helped prevent issues arising when I told B. I don’t think I came off as a broken girl, I think I came off as a survivor. B is so kind and attentive I don’t know why every girl who knows him isn’t in love with him! He was very grateful that I was willing to talk to him about this aspect of my past, and I think it helped strengthen our developing relationship. Hopefully B’s reaction is a positive sign for how he will handle learning more of my secrets and my dark past, particularly the things that I do still feel shame or guilt about. At this point I believe things are going to be serious between us and I think I will tell him everything about my past. I just hope opening up and trusting him with everything ends up being a positive for us and not a negative.

That’s all for now, more to come!