On sub identity and being a little?

The kinky adventures of a painslut

I read something very interesting just now! (Yes it’s a long read and parts of it is a little purple prose-ish, but I encourage you to read all of it anyway, especially the analysis in the end)

A lot of times when you ask a sub to describe their sub identity, they’re probably going to describe a variety of sexual aspects and roles. Master’s slut. Master’s slave. Master’s this or Master’s that. It is often also tied to a very specific sort of play. Master’s pincushion. Master’s baby girl.  Master’s pet. I don’t think subs stop to think about themselves very often once they’re owned – it’s a common flaw to give up a little too much of yourself and start identifying as one thing or the other in reflection to your owner. At least that’s what it was like for me. I identify very strongly as property, as an…

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Humility Breeds Humility

Inspiration With Explanation

Humility is about admitting my own mistakes.

Did you ever point out someone else’s mistakes to them & end up in an argument… yeah, me too.

Did you ever point out your own mistakes to someone else & end up in an argument… yeah, me neither.

This should tell me something… maybe I should stick to my own mistakes.

The goal for today, know that the best way to point out someone else’s mistakes, is to point out my own… because humility breeds humility!

Have a great day everybody!

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Empty Your Cup

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The following is an essay I wrote for a college course last year. These concepts are deeply rooted in asian culture and beliefs, in Hinduism and Buddhism and Zen. I hope the concepts are of interest! Endnotes and works cited are included.

 

Empty Your Cup

 

One of the concepts presented in our study is the idea of the beginner’s mind. I have a great deal of experience with this personally thanks to the decade I spent studying a martial art called Shao-Lin Kempo. This is a form of Kung Fu in which I hold a black belt. With roots in both China and Japan, this art is closely tied to many Hindu and Buddhist principles. When I began my journey in this art, I had advanced equestrian knowledge and skill. Looking back, I am amazed I was able to be so successful in anything without first learning to empty my cup.

The beginner’s mind is explained with a simple metaphor. Imagine sitting down for tea with a Master, who pours tea into your cup. After it is full to the brim, the Master continues pouring tea and you watch as it overflows. When you ask the Master why he does this, he responds that your mind is like this cup. It is so full already, how can you possibly hold any more? Before the Master can begin to teach you, you must empty your cup. Let go of what you know and what you think you know. Once you have let go of presumptions, knowledge, pride in accomplishments, and all else that fills your cup, you have achieved the beginner’s mind. Now you present yourself to the Master ready to learn without any prejudice. This is an important element in Zen[1] that is universally useful in our lives.

We live in a highly individualistic, competitive society. American’s lives center around outdoing one another and appearing to know all there is to be known. This concept of been-there-done-that is the basis for what is called the expert’s mind.[2] The common misconception that once we’ve experienced something a single time, we can gain nothing further from it is the trap of having an expert’s mind. It results in narrow mindedness, causing us to shut others out and strengthen walls that divide us rather than build bridges to connect us to one another. In doing so it makes room for prejudice, discrimination, fanaticism and oppression.[3] Now, claiming that this can all be avoided by one simple concept is extraordinary. Luckily, with the beginner’s mind, avoiding these pitfalls of society seems not only easy, but also obvious and necessary for one’s own well being. Believing that knowing a characteristic (such as age, race, gender, sexual orientation, or hobbies) allows us to know what type of person another is and whether or not they are our kind of people[4] is a slippery slope perpetuated by the expert’s mind. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.[5] If we instead approach life and people with a beginner’s mind, we are excited to learn anything and everything. We present unlimited intellectual curiosity, constantly asking questions such as: Why? How? When? Where?[6] Thus the superiority of a beginner’s mind is made clear, as judgment is absent, being replaced by compassion and empathy.

It must be admitted that, although simple to explain, the beginner’s mind is not a simple concept in practice. We must pursue it without any attachment to our end goal, nor to its own origins, nor even to the practice itself. To attain a beginner’s mind, we must be free from possessing anything and accept that everything is in flowing change. Nothing exists but momentarily in its present form; one thing flows into another and cannot be grasped.[7] The loss of balance causes change, yet the whole of being, the universe, life itself, remains in perfect harmony. While that which we were dies upon the loss of balance, thanks to change being thrust upon us, we also develop ourselves and are able to grow because of this. Everything around us is constantly losing its balance, changing.[8] The apparent permanence of objects in our lives is merely a deception, caused by our inability to view the true nature that underlies all. Here again, it seems obvious the advantages of a beginner’s mind, for it opens our eyes to the big picture rather than narrowing our gaze upon that which we may find unwelcome. The beginner’s mind grants us freedom from the chains of experience, the numbness and inability to appreciate the complexness and freshness of existence. This is neither meant to degrade technical prowess nor committed inquiry, but rather to guide us from the lure of expertise in every moment. Then, when offering forgiveness is unimaginable, when our curiosity dwindles, when we proclaim, “I’m not that kind of person”,[9] this is when we must set aside our expert’s mind, so strongly entrenched in each of us, and call forth the righteous perspective, the wise understanding, of our beginner’s mind.

It should be noted that being an expert is not mutually exclusive of having a beginner’s mind. In fact, mastery of the beginner’s mind can only propel one in the right direction toward mastery of any subject. An expert is always a beginner, because expertise constantly opens up new worlds. It is the near irresolvability of their venture that provides experts their drive to reveal new perspectives and discover uncharted ideas.[10] Attaining a beginner’s mind can be as long a road as one would expect to achieve mastery of any other subject. After you have practiced for a while, you will realize that it is not possible to make rapid, extraordinary progress. Even though you try very hard, the progress you make is little by little. Much like learning a foreign language, you must practice it over and over in order to master it. As we do so, we become aware of the fact that to be sincere and put forth our full effort in each moment is enough, for this is where nirvana exists.[11] Mastery is not required; much as Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path teaches us, elements such as correct intention, effort, mindfulness and contemplation allow us to face life objectively, while living kindly and cultivating inner peace.[12] The expression of this concept taught in Shao-Lin Kempo is one hundred, one thousand, ten thousand. It takes one hundred attempts to simply remember material one is learning. It takes one thousand repetitions to begin to be able to complete the material with some level of developed skill. It takes ten thousand repetitions to achieve mastery of the material; at which point you begin again. For as we know, to be an expert is to be a beginner.

Zazen, the practice of seated meditation[13], is the corner stone of Zen practice as well as a porthole through which one can develop the beginner’s mind. To begin, the student sits down in the lotus position. This consists of placing the left foot on the right thigh, and the right foot on the left thigh. The lotus position expresses the oneness of duality: not two, not one. With legs crossed in this fashion, they become one despite the fact that there is one right leg and one left leg. Similarly, it is incorrect to think of the mind and body as two, but it is equally wrong to think of them as one. The mind and the body are both one and two; just as each of us are both dependent and independent.[14] While practicing zazen, all that exists is the movement of breathing. It is important the student not be absentminded, but also equally important not to focus on the finite self. The student must rather focus on the infinite self, that which is shared by everything. This is the point at which the student must overcome the dualistic nature intrinsic in “mine” and “yours”, “you” and “I”, “this” and “that”. This is the true experience of life; that which transcends time and space.[15] By focusing on their breathing, the student seeks control of their mind. This is neither meant to force the mind to be empty, nor to force the mind’s concentration on a single idea or thought. Rather, it is to not be disturbed by the images in one’s mind; to let them come, and to let them go. Then they will be under control.[16] With time, your thinking will stop of its own accord. If the student tries to stop thinking, that denotes being bothered by it. The student should not be bothered by anything. While it appears thoughts are coming from your mind, they are actually only the waves of your mind. When you are not bothered by the waves, eventually they become calmer and calmer.[17] The difficulties experienced throughout this process should not be resented, for they only served to enrich your practice of zazen.[18]

“If you continue this simple practice every day, you will obtain some wonderful power. Before you attain it, it is something wonderful, but after you attain it, it is nothing special.”[19] Achieving and maintaining a beginner’s mind opens doors in any venture, including in those everyday interactions we don’t even notice occurring. Understanding the connection between all things and living with an open, curious, judgment free mind builds bridges which break down the wall of ego deceiving us into believing we are individuals, unaffected by the pain of others. When we view the world through a beginner’s mind, we begin to see the depth surrounding us where previously we saw only shells. It’s amazing how much we miss by assuming we already know what’s there. The beginner’s mind is perhaps the most powerful asset any of us will ever attain.

 

Bibliography

Kaufman, Peter. “The Beginner’s Mind”. Everyday Sociology Blog. W.W. Norton and Company, Inc. Web. 3 March 2013.

Lentine, Genine. “The Expert’s Mind”. San Francisco Zen Center.San Francisco Zen Center, 2010. Web. 3 March 2013.

Molloy, Michael. Experiencing the World’s Religions. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2010. Print.

Smith, Huston. The World’s Religions. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1991. Print.

Suzuki, Shunryu. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. New York: Weatherhill, Inc., 1995. Print.

 

[1] Suzuki, Pages 21-22

[2] Kaufman, Paragraph 5

[3] Kaufman, Paragraph 5-6

[4] Kaufman, Paragraph 5

[5] Suzuki, Page 21

[6] Kaufman, Paragraph 3

[7] Suzuki, Page 138

[8] Suzuki, Pages 31-32

[9] Lentine, Paragraph 4-6

[10] Lentine, Paragraph 9

[11] Suzuki, Page 46

[12] Molloy, Page 136

[13] Molloy, Page 166

[14] Suzuki, Page 25

[15] Suzuki, Page 29

[16] Suzuki, Page 32

[17] Suzuki, Page 34

[18] Suzuki, Page 36

[19] Suzuki, Page 46

A Little Discovery

How do you know if you’re a little? Is there a check list or a quiz I can take, and if I score xyz percent or higher I’m a little? This may read as facetious; I assure you I’m asking these questions seriously.

The more I read posts written by littles, the more my life reminds me of things I’ve read on their blogs. What I haven’t found so far is a description of how anyone either became a little or realized that they are little. I have no idea if a person is born that way or if someone becomes a little, or if it is even one or the other. Also, I realize I’m generalizing and everyone and their lifestyles are individual, but I’m trying to gain insight into the category, so please forgive any unintended slights.

What does it mean to be a little? What does it mean to you, and what does it mean to your partner? Is having (or wanting) a Daddy Dom an integral part of being little, or is that only a common association? Is it about wanting to be taken care of, or about recapturing childhood? How is being little different from being a submissive who is not little?

The reason I ask is because last night H and I had an incredible evening. I wasn’t feeling very well, so he cuddled me, let me wear his sweatshirt without his normal complaints, and made a special trip to the store just because I was hungry and didn’t want any of the food we had at home. H went out of his way to take care of me and nurture me, even before I admitted I wasn’t feeling well. The evening was a marked departure from our usual interactions, and I felt so close to him the entire time. I also felt more loved than I have felt in months. I’m not sure why or how exactly, but last night H was meeting my emotional needs in spades.

I know that I have trust and abandonment issues, and that I feel loved primarily through physical affection/contact. H told me he was happy last night because he felt needed and I let him take care of me. It is very unusual for me to feel as loved as I did last night without sex, but the impact last night had on me was undeniable.

I really don’t know if I’m a little or not. I’ve never identified that way, but perhaps I simply hadn’t had the exposure to recognize that in myself? I’m not sure. I know I like to giggle and be silly and make H smile and laugh. H often compares me to my 4 year old niece. I’ve never been this way with anyone else because I never let my guard down far enough. With H I am just me. So, am I a little? If I am, what does that mean? Can that help improve my struggling relationship with H? Would this help or further hinder our communication with one another? At this point all I seem to have are questions. Any insight/experiences would be greatly appreciated!

Cruise the River (is that what we’re calling it now?)

H and I met a local couple last year who we really hit it off with. She was exactly H’s type, under 30, blond, tall and thin, killer legs and big tits. I was hardly immune from her charms myself. He was more average but had tattoos (a favorite of mine) and dark hair. We had a lot in common with them, similar interests and of course an interest in playing with others. The only problem was that although he initially said they full swapped, he was actually the only one comfortable with that and she wasn’t. They were also rather flaky and last-minute, which was not fun for us. We played maybe three or four times and it was fun, but she was only interested in playing with me, not H. Because they were so difficult to meet up with things fizzled out.

A few months later H asked if I’d want to have just him over to play. Apparently they’d kept in touch. Cool. He came and we all had fun. Since then, he and she have split and he’s got a new hottie by his side. I need to learn how to get hot chicks from this guy!!! Seriously, he’s pretty average but he consistently bags super hot ass! I wish my game with the ladies was half as good.

Anyway, H mentioned that he and his new lady would be interested in playing, so I agreed. We haven’t actually met, but this has been in the last couple months or so, so it could still happen. What surprised me was when H told me he and this other guy were thinking about taking their jet skis out and cruising the river. Sounds like fun. That was a few days ago. Yesterday H mentioned it again, saying he couldn’t remember if he’d told me or not. Here’s the important part: I’m apparently not invited!?

In the beginning of this year we came to an agreement that we could both play with members of the same sex without the other person being there. At the time our work schedules led to us both spending a fair amount of time home alone. I never got a chance to take advantage of that agreement as within a few weeks H got a promotion and his work schedule is now the same as mine. My best guess is that H never had the opportunity to utilize that agreement either. Is that what this river trip is about?

There’s no reason for me to ask, as I have no issue at all if that is why they’re going. I was surprised when H made it clear that I’m not invited, but I’m not super upset. My motivation for not asking is that neither myself nor H have many friends of the same sex, and if he is just trying to build a friendship with a like minded guy I don’t want to make him feel weird about it or like I think everything has to be about sex. I am curious though! I can’t think of any other reason why I wouldn’t be invited.

If something interesting does happen, will H tell me? I hope so, but I suppose we never explicitly agreed to tell one another when we discussed this agreement. They were talking about going this weekend when I’m volunteering, so it’s possible H just didn’t want to be home alone for a couple hours, but that seems unlike him to me. H is typically very much a homebody. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly near the river if they do end up going!

I Haven’t Forgotten

A couple nights ago I had a dream, one I can’t quite shake. I don’t often think about V; I dream about him even more rarely. I don’t remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember him in bed with H and I. We were all naked, but V was separate from H & I. H was touching me and kissing me, but I wasn’t into it. I kept looking at V and wanting him; I didn’t understand why he wasn’t involved, why he wasn’t touching me. I dissociated from what H was doing and was completely focused on V. After a few minutes H stopped and I went to V. He had gotten up from the bed, so I followed. 

 

This is where the dream became so vivid it takes my breath away just thinking about it as I type. V looked at me, and I saw everything his eyes held back when I was sixteen and he was twenty four. I could see the affection he had for me, I could see his desire, and so much more in his eyes as he looked at me. I saw a future that I desperately want, filled with love, family, children. After an instant and an eternity of V looking down at me like that, he opened his arms and I wrapped myself in his embrace. I could feel his body against me, I felt the way we fit together. Its been over six years since last I touched him, and yet I had him in my arms once again in that damn dream. 

 

As soon as I looked into V’s eyes, it was as if H didn’t exist. V kissed me, and his lips were air to my drowning soul. I felt so strong, beautiful, safe and loved. All of my self-doubt, self-hatred, all of my complicated feelings and worries were just gone. In V’s arms I felt worshiped. More than that even, I felt understood completely. It’s difficult to convey adequately what his touch inspired in me, but it was everything I’ve ever wanted to feel. There was no rush; we took our time, we connected. The entire time H was nowhere to be seen. I trusted V with all that I am. Much as I’m not a fan of the phrase, we made love. After, H reappeared in my dream, but he was the 3rd wheel rather than my partner and my husband. V held me and whispered, “I love you.” 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was only a dream. I understand this isn’t how it was in real life. I truly don’t believe V ever loved me. But I did love him, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children. I’ve never felt that way about any other man. It’s funny, I didn’t actually realize that until just now, reflecting on this dream and my feelings. I love H, and I am so grateful to have him. I would never leave him. But, he isn’t someone I’d want to have children with. We are too different. Trying to raise children with H would be a never ending battle. That’s not what I want. So, when I tell H I don’t want children, it isn’t a lie. It’s true that I don’t want to raise children with him. But once upon a time, I desperately wanted children. For me, it comes down to trust. I trust H with my life, but I don’t trust him to be there forever, through thick and thin, no matter what. That’s what I’d need to be willing to have children. When V swore to me we’d be together, I believed him. He’s the only man that ever had my complete trust. I gave him all of me, and I’m not sure I ever got it all back.

 

If there’s one thing that’s become very clear to me since I’ve begun this blog, it’s that my submissiveness is not something I can hide or deny any longer. It’s ironic that I’d have such a dream about V now, when I’m so much more clear about what I want in a relationship, things that V could never have given me. H and I have been having a rough time. It’s nobody’s fault, we are just very different. We think differently, we communicate differently, we assume differently, we understand differently. It’s a constant battle for us to be on the same page. We are fighting, and we are fighting hard for our marriage. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s tiring. It leaves me feeling hollow, empty, lacking. Not all the time, but often enough. Things have been getting better, slowly but surely. H still makes me happy, we still love one another, we still want to be together. But I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind things being easy for a while.

 

I imagine that’s where this dream came from. Now that I’ve given it more thought, it does sound like just the break I want: being with the only man who ever had my trust without reservation, the man I wanted to raise children with. I get that the dream was just a fantasy, an idealized version of what was. It’s still hard to know what I felt in that dream is forever out of reach. V was the second man I ever went to bed with. I had a boyfriend before him, Z. We were both 16, and we only dated for one summer. I loved Z, still do in fact. Z is pretty messed up, his home life was a mess too. We both had anger issues and other emotional problems. The thing that gets me about Z is that I begged him not to promise he’d always love me. I begged him, because I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew I wouldn’t be the girl that gets the storybook happily ever after ending with her first love. I know that I have a hard time letting go. I also knew that if Z promised he’d always love me, I’d never be able to completely let him go. Because hearing him say it validated my always loving him. I don’t want to love him, but a part of me always will. He doesn’t feel the same. 

 

After being betrayed by so many men, at some point it’s tough to not see myself as the only common factor, as the root of the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be a saint. I’ve made a lifetime’s worth of mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll make many more. But I wasn’t wholly responsible either. I was a vulnerable, confused, hurting kid. I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn’t the adults who chose to use and abuse me. I can’t get the bitter taste out of my mouth because that damn dream forced me to relive so much of how I felt, of how innocent I was. Even when I’ve dreamed about being raped, or about E’s abuse, I rarely am this shaken up for this long. I had so much taken from me because nobody protected me, and I didn’t know how to protect myself. I want to let go of the past, I want to let go of the baggage. I just don’t know how. I want to be more connected with H, I want to help him understand me. I just don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am. I want to be happy, I want my marriage to be stronger. I want H to truly know who I am, I want us to trust one another with everything we are. I just have to find the right way; we have to find our path…

The Dirtiest Word of All: Normal

In my post Accept Me As I Am (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-dS) I touched briefly on the concept of being normal. For most of my life, I’ve equated being normal with being healthy. I’m slowly beginning to untangle the Gordian Knot that is the connection between these two concepts in my mind. It’s rather a complex task, but one to which I’m committed. All I ever wanted was to be normal. wish that was an exaggeration; it’s not. In school I was always a mile ahead without even trying. As an adult I discovered I have a previously undiagnosed hearing disability which has been deteriorating over time. I’ve always found relating to other people tiring; I became depressed and cynical at a young age. The dysfunction which permeated my home life as I grew up was something I blamed on myself. I learned early on that it was imperative to my survival that I construct an iron facade . I did it perhaps too well…

 

My defense mechanism of choice was over-achieving. As I got older, that alone wasn’t enough for me to survive. I discovered other methods of feeling in control such as not eating, cutting and exercise. Then along came V, discussed in Playing With Fire (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-bN). By the time I met E, I was very skilled at concealment & compartmentalization. It also helped that batterers typically target areas that can be covered by clothing. I was able to hide everything behind the “perfect child” persona I constructed for others. I’m not proud of the high level of skill I obtained as a manipulator, but it sure came in handy as a salesman! Anyway, it was as I matured in this state of mind that I learned to interchange normal with healthy. I looked around and saw normal people, living their normal lives. I didn’t detect any hint of the effort on their part that I put into every interaction, no matter how insignificant, just to appear normal. It was hardly a big leap to acknowledge that I was the common factor, that I must somehow deserve the pain. I’m not normal, I can’t fix it, it must be my fault.

 

Clearly this line of thinking isn’t rational, but how many rational teenagers do you know? I was different in so many ways, some of which I wasn’t even yet aware of. I had to compensate every day, in so many ways. Being normal was everything I wanted. I didn’t want to be brighter than average, I didn’t want to be interesting. All I wished for was a simple, shallow, average life. Even now, having gained some distance and perspective, I still yearn for that seductive vision of normal I’d constructed at times. Life is hard, marriage is hard, being healthy and making sound decisions is hard. However, I am healthy. I don’t mean to imply that I’m perfect, but I respect myself now. I don’t carry around the self-directed hatred and blame any longer. I don’t believe I deserve traumatic experiences. I try to avoid punishing myself for perceived failures. Now I just need a Dom to do that for me 😉

 

In all seriousness though, I think unravelling the connection between normal and healthy is an important step in accepting my need to submit. I also think this will help me understand how to responsibly indulge my masochistic side by setting safe limits, to protect myself both physically and psychologically. I’m not there yet, but I’m journeying in the direction of the life I want to live. My past no longer holds the power to determine my future.

 

P.S.

If you’re wondering why the word normal was italicized throughout, this was done in an attempt to reflect the vicious tone the word carries in my mind. To me, normal truly is one of the worst words in my vocabulary. It has caused me so much pain over the years; the word itself is one I’ve made a conscious decision to avoid using whenever possible. 

Accept Me As I Am

Does anyone else get tired of all the hiding? Or perhaps the question I should be asking instead: is anyone out about their BDSM lifestyle? As in, do people such as friends, family or coworkers who aren’t in the lifestyle know what you do in private? I am one of the first to admit that I value my privacy, but it’s a shockingly thin line between keeping something private because it’s nobody’s business and hiding something out of fear. In my posts Date Night (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-8w) and Second Date (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-9I), I talked about a couple we met and have enjoyed swinging with. One of the things that surprised me about them is that several of their friends who aren’t swingers know that they are involved in that lifestyle. None of our other play partners have ever told us that in the past. I have to admit I was envious that they were confident enough and secure enough in their relationships with their friends to be able to be so honest. It was partly this which encouraged me to tell a few of my friends about this blog.

 

There are so many misconceptions about BDSM, and one universal truth of mankind is that we fear that which we don’t understand. I wonder, if everyone in the BDSM community came out of the closet, what would happen? How much retribution would there be? Would the fight for acceptance be as long and difficult as the road for homosexuals has been? Is acceptance even worth the price we would pay? I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I’m so tired of feeling like I’m hiding who I am all day, every day. I’m tired of seeing myself as an outcast, a deviant, someone who never has been and never will be “normal”. As far as the last goes, I think that will be my next topic…so stay tuned 🙂 Does anyone else feel like their life is shallow or hollow because of hiding our kinky sides? I’m not saying I think we should preach BDSM for all, nor that we should necessarily divulge every intimate detail of our private affairs. But wouldn’t it be nice to be accepted by your friends, family and coworkers as someone who swings and/or engages in power exchanges? People don’t need to agree with our choices, but we shouldn’t have to hide such integral parts of who we are such as Dom/mes, subs, slaves, Tops, bottoms, Daddies, littles, etc.

 

I don’t think of such people as freaks, nor do I think there’s something wrong with them or that they need treatment. Just because someone else’s kink may not be my kink doesn’t mean I don’t respect and accept them. Is asking for acceptance really too much? I don’t know, but it sure seems to be. Perhaps I’m living my life in fear, and I will get an enormous response from people who are out and proud of their BDSM lifestyle – I hope I do. However, I don’t think that’s likely. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t been so ashamed of my submissive nature, would I have been more willing to disclose when I was being abused by E?  I try not to focus not the past, but in order to learn and grow we must at times reflect on our experiences. I think safety has a great deal to do with one’s support system. Having people who care about you, accept you and are there for you no matter what is possibly the greatest asset to anyone who is vulnerable. If I hadn’t been so ashamed, maybe I would’ve been able to ask for help. Maybe other submissives would seek help when they are mistreated. I’ve never seen myself as someone who wants to change the world, however that doesn’t mean I’m willing to quietly accept our society as it is either. I want more. Do you?