Here I sit, glass of wine in hand, after a solid work out at the gym. I had a very difficult day at work today, although I came out of it smelling like a rose and having actually increased my esteem in a couple of people’s eyes including my boss. H is out of town on a family vacation that I opted out of – I went last year and didn’t enjoy myself. I miss him, but I am really enjoying the solitude. It’s a nice change for there to be no pressure. I don’t have to do or say the right things, or use the right tone. The T.V. hasn’t been on once since he left, and I find the lack of noise relaxing. My day at work was challenging on a personal level. I had two very uncomfortable conversations with two different people who are higher than me in the food chain. After both discussions these individuals agreed with everything I’d done, but I really did not want to discuss either topic. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great to affirm others’ support of me and my work. But discussing things I find emotionally draining at work was not on my to-do list, thank you very much!
Aside from having a difficult day, I’ve been extremely preoccupied with the couple H and I met last weekend, B & his wife. I’m finding this to be both good and bad. If you’ve read my post The Beginning you’re aware that last month H and I met a different couple. This morning, right at 8:00 a.m. when I was starting work, the girl from the first couple (who happens to have the same first name as I do) sent me a text wanting to arrange a play date. After meeting that couple I found the chemistry lacking with her fiancee and am not really interested in playing with him. On top of that, I am very interested in B and his wife. My inner poly is screaming at me not to mess this up. H and I haven’t even played with B and his wife yet, we only met once for drinks and have been texting for almost a week, yet I want so much from them. I think I’m starting to sound like a broken record…we meet, I fall hard, I want more, I move on. Perhaps that’s the way it’s suppose to be with swinging, super intense and exciting and running its course quickly as well. I’m not sure, but I think I’d be happier in a long term arrangement. B and his wife are far less experienced than H and I, in fact they have never even had a foursome. They have only had M/F/F threesomes in the past. B’s wife says she likes H so much that she is comfortable with a foursome, and after talking to her quite a bit I believe her. At this point I’m more concerned H isn’t as attracted to her as he claims to be and that will be the break down in our four way chemistry.
Even if our chemistry continues to be great, I’m also afraid of scaring off B & his wife. I’m kinky – it’s a fact. I can hide it some, but not completely. And more importantly, I don’t want to hide it. I’m sick and tired of hiding. My kinks and my need to submit are desires, some are needs, but they are not requirements I hold of others. If they were I would never have married H! Speaking of H, I have never explicitly admitted my polyamorous desires to him. He may have picked up on it, but I’m not sure. When we started swinging I was all for wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am style, but H wanted friendship and ongoing playmates. I of course didn’t object, but we’ve had little to no success in having ongoing playmates despite our best attempts. Things just keep not working out. Which is fine, we’ve been very happy overall with our swinging experiences. But H still was seeking more, and I think B & his wife might be the right fit. Here’s my fear – what if I lose control of my polyamorous desires? What if it comes out that I want something that isn’t casual or just friends-with-benefits and I’m the only one? Or perhaps worse, B & his wife agree and only H doesn’t want it? These issues have been swirling in my mind all day. Added on top of my tiring work day and I get my current mood. I’m feeling exhausted and worn down. What I think of as my “sub zone” has a full force grip on me, I’m desperate to be humiliated and beaten, forced to beg and cry. I need used and cared for. I need to feel completely accepted and free. That’s what BDSM means to me. If only I had that in my life.
Last night B & his wife both texted me all day while we worked and all evening until we all went to bed. Or should I say “sexted” me, because that would be far more accurate. We traded a LOT of hot pictures, teased and tortured ourselves. We talked a lot about things we like and what we might want to try. I was so horny I accidentally admitted quite a few things I had intended not to share – such as how much I enjoy DP, my butt plug and a few stories of some of the more extreme sounding experiences H and I have had. Luckily B & his wife seemed to not only take it all in stride, they seemed interested in pushing their boundaries. I thoroughly enjoyed our texting/sexting marathon yesterday, but today I just felt hollow. I did text with both B & his wife some today, but not a ton due to my busy day at work and the mood I’ve been in afterward. I hoped getting a good work out in at the gym would lift my spirits and help me feel more positive, but alas it did not. The wine is also failing to erase my woes – guess I’m not an alcoholic! I know, I know, that joke was in poor taste. What can I say? I just don’t care at the moment.
Back to the topic of polyamory – a big part of why I haven’t talked with H about these desires I have is because if something does develop between us and another person or another couple, I want it to happen naturally. I don’t want H or anyone else to feel pressured, and I don’t want to add the stress of expectations or even hope to budding friendships (or whatever new playmates should be called!). B & his wife both said that they want to be friends, not just playmates and H & I believe them. After we met for drinks last weekend, H even told me a couple of times that he thinks B & his wife would be fun to just hang out with, and I completely agree. I’m finding it difficult however to talk with B and his wife so much without revealing more of myself. I have a lot of trust issues which B & his wife know nothing about at this point. Really they know nothing of importance about me – it’s all about the ‘fun’ stuff right now. Which I suppose is how it should be, except that B and his wife both keep making comments about how they want to be friends too. These comments are often enough that they seem to both have some level of investment in the outcome already, even without any sex having taken place. On the one hand I’m thrilled about that, as it’s likely a good sign for my poly desires, and even if not, I could certainly always use more true friends. On the other hand, I want so much from them that I’m finding it extremely difficult to put on the usual front of happy-go-lucky my life is nothing but awesome. I want to have real conversations with B & his wife; I want to confide in them, I want to trust them. But I can’t, at least not yet. What a quandary! I don’t know how things will go, or what may be in store for us. The good news is tomorrow is a new day, and with any luck I will be back to being grateful for having met B & his wife and let all of my concerns go until such a time it is proper to bring them to light. Wish me luck!