Disenchanted

I had another rape dream last night. That’s not at all uncommon for me, however this one was different in a major way: I was male. As I mentioned in my post Gender Fluidity, I am male in about 50% of my dreams. In spite of this, I’ve always been female in rape dreams until now. I find that rape dreams really stick with me, this one is no exception. My emotions were identical, and even the plot was basically unaltered. The attacker (in this case a woman) was belligerent, I wasn’t able to get her to calm down, and she overpowered me. The fear I felt practically paralyzed me, and I knew I could not, would not, escape. There was no hope. Enter yet another twist: I was rescued.

I’ve never had a rape dream before where the attack was prevented. I’ve never been able to fight off my attacker, sometimes I didn’t even try. And nobody has ever attempted, let alone succeeded! in protecting me from an attack. After so many years of rape dreams, I’m aware of my usual reaction and mostly okay with it – that is, I usually feel upset and shaken for up to several days. Seems like a healthy enough response to me, so I let myself feel those things and let it pass without additional concern. This time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling or how I should feel. I think I’m relieved that I wasn’t actually raped, as that seems like an improvement. However, was that just because my unconscious mind thinks I wouldn’t have to fear if I was male? Or am I feeling safer, more confident and less distrustful of the world around me and that’s why the rape was prevented? If so, I can’t be too improved if I’m still dreaming of near-rape, right? I’m confused…that’s about the only feeling I can identify at the moment.

Now I’m feeling after effects from a dream in which I wasn’t raped…how do I handle that? If I can’t even sort out my emotions, how do I acknowledge them, feel them and let them pass? Should I be feeling so much from dreaming of not being raped? Hell if I know!

I love sex, but it can be so complex. I feel like my life revolves around sex. There’s the people I do have sex with, the people I want to have sex with, the people who want to have sex with me; there’s how I feel when I’m having a lot of sex, how I feel when I’m having less sex, and how I feel when I’m not having any sex. Then there’s the issue of flirting; for instance in my post Casual Friday I talked about a coworker I’m wildly attracted to, and I interpret his words and actions as flirting with me on a regular basis. However, I’m constantly holding back, concerned that if I let myself go and responded as is natural to me, I’d be slapped with sexual harassment in the workplace so quick it’d make my head spin. So, now I feel like sex is defining me and my relationships with others. No wonder I haven’t been happy lately.

Feeling like sex controls my life is hardly a new revelation, I’ve been dealing with this since I was a teenager. What about before that? Well, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to make decisions according to my own wishes, regardless of the impact on others. My entire life revolved around the manipulation of others – I was quite skillful. Sound a bit far-fetched for a child? Growing up the way I did, I knew nothing else. No wonder I have had to work so hard, always had to fight for happiness. First my life revolved around manipulation, now I’m controlled by sex. I wish I could see life in another way. Let’s be honest, manipulation has a whole lot to do with sex, so I’ve hardly divorced myself from that modus operandi.

H and I haven’t been having hardly any sex for the last month plus. I was really sick with a virus so he wouldn’t have sex with me, but he promised we’d have a sex marathon when I felt better as he was feeling horny also. Then when I was feeling better, H seemed to constantly not be in the mood or have an excuse to say no. We had sex a couple of times, but not anywhere near our usual rate. Then, with awesome timing as usual, I had terrible menstrual cramps. Once again, I didn’t feel well enough for sex. But, that only lasted a couple of days. So why on earth have I not been getting laid since then!? What happened to my promised sex marathon???

Compounding all of this, my submissive needs continue to grow stronger and more clear, and continue to be ignored completely. H and I often have to work hard on our communication with one another, so I suppose it’s not too far fetched to think that he truly didn’t understand what I was telling him when I admitted that I’m submissive. The problem is, I don’t know how to bring it up. In the past, every time I’ve ever admitted being dissatisfied with the amount of sex we’re having, it’s always turned into a huge damn deal. I think H can’t help but take it as an insult to his masculinity. So, if he is likely to get upset when all I want is more sex, it seems unlikely he would take my masochistic requests well. I admit, fear is certainly playing a part in my hesitation, but I know I can overcome that since I’ve talked to H before about my being submissive. I think the real problem is I don’t know how to make him understand. Until I figure that out, I’m not sure discussion could do anything other than push us apart, which is the last thing I want.

I’ve been considering talking to H about DD/lg dynamics, as he might be more receptive to the nurturing nature of a DaddyDom. Then again, neither of us have had great relationships with our fathers, so he might get caught up on the “Daddy” part and freak out before I can explain. Also, I really don’t want to go in to that if I’m not interested in being little – which is something I’m still exploring. I would love to be exploring what I want with H rather than on my own, but I don’t see how that’s possible. Right before I got sick I bought some fresh ginger and was hoping he would try figging with me, but alas we never had the chance. So much for that attempt!

I’m continuing to brain storm and work on myself, and I figure I’ve got a long way to go yet. I am deeply in love with H and am so grateful he is in my life and loves me too. I want everything else to be surface concerns compared to our love, but that doesn’t seem to be how life works. Communication, sex and everything else we deal with in our every day lives impacts us, our feelings and our relationship. I’m far from a master at navigating everything, but I hope I’m learning and improving. Right now I’m feeling frustrated, tired of working so hard at everything, lonely, horny, sad, and generally disenchanted with life. I hope I’m able to move past these feelings soon and be happier. I spend every day trying to focus on the good as much as possible, but I’m telling you between a lack of sex and a lack of submission in my life, I’m currently loosing the battle. Wish me luck…

Seduction

Last month I took the plunge and signed a 2 year contract at a local gym. I’ve been enjoying trying a variety of classes and found all the instructors and fitness coaches to be extremely friendly. At first I wrote this off as simply doing their jobs and assumed personality is a major recruiting point for such positions. However, as the weeks have gone by I’ve noticed a couple of people are definitely paying me more attention than they do other members. One is a fitness coach and the other is the instructor of one of the dance classes I really enjoy.

Now the fitness coach seems like a nice enough guy, but I’m not particularly attracted to him. The dance instructor, however, is an entirely different matter! Damn can that guy move…I wish my hips worked the way his do!!! Aside from his skills on the dance floor, the guy is ripped. He has a gorgeous smile and a big personality; he’s a total goofball and loves to make people smile and laugh.

Unlike most dance classes I’ve participated in, Z comes down off the stage and dances with us one on one at times. Dear god, that man can put his hands on me any time! He had made a point to chat with me after class nearly every time I’ve gone, and he is quite flirty. I learned a while back that he’s married, but hey so am I 😉

Last night after class I went to a different part of the gym for a bit more of a workout. 10 or 15 minutes later I was well and truly worn out, so I headed for the lobby and my car. I did not expect Z to be sitting in the lounge area, then immediately upon seeing me get up and head over to talk! Not that I minded one bit…we started talking and he told me he wanted to know more about me and kept asking me questions. It was flattering enough that I actually sat down with him and talked about myself, which is unlike me. I’m typically quite guarded with personal information (imagine why!?).

Pretty quickly my experience as a martial artist came up and Z mentioned he did karate as a kid and loved it. We also talked about dance and he fooled around a bit pretending he was going to punch or kick me. I went to block reflexively and he was impressed. We talked and played around for nearly half an hour before I decided I really needed to get home. At one point he put his hand on my lower abdomen and I grabbed it, however rather than remove it I held his hand in place. I didn’t even realize I’d done that until a few seconds later, then I was shocked to discover not only was I holding his hand captive, I was holding it against my body! I immediately let it go, but that confirmed in my mind that we are attracted to one another. I never let people I barely know touch me (except of course when H and I are playing lol).

Adrenaline was still pounding through me when I got home, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Z. I really want to get to know him better, talk to him more and spend time with him. Suddenly I was struck with an idea…he likes martial arts! It’s been years since I last had a partner to practice with, and I would certainly enjoy getting up close and personal with him 😉 Perhaps I can convince him to meet me at the gym to work out and I can teach him martial arts? Talk about a win-win! Then, he could always return the favor by dancing with me as he’s far more skilled in that area than myself. Pretty great fantasy I’ve worked out huh?

So, the next step is deciding how to implement my plan. I’m not planning to attend one of his classes again until next Monday, so I have a little time to ensure I’ve got the best approach. One of the things Z asked when we were talking was to see a video of me doing martial arts. That would be a lot of effort, however I could easily put an old picture on my cell to show him. I have a great one of me as a new black belt after my first competition holding three huge trophies…perhaps that would motivate him to agree?

Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to next Monday. I hope Z makes the effort to talk to me alone after class as he usually does so I can ask him about working out together one-on-one. H knows about the situation and asked me if I want to bring him home, which I didn’t answer. I would need to spend more time with him before deciding if he might be interested in playing and if he can be trusted to be discreet as I like my gym and don’t want my private life to be gossip there. Hopefully Z is as interested in spending more time with me as I am with him! Wish me luck 🙂