Over the Labor Day weekend Mr. Trouble and his family went camping at his in-law’s place. He and his son came home without his wife on Sunday and I was very surprised to hear from him, expecting they’d have camped through the holiday on Monday. Apparently camping got rough and he needed to vent about his wife’s behavior. He very rarely talks about her at all to me and can’t even bring himself to use her name when texting me, just uses her initial. That never made sense to me, but I suppose guilt shows itself in strange ways. Tonight he got in to far more detail than ever before and I was deeply conflicted, unsure how to best support him. Do I be the supportive friend who just listens? The wise friend who gives sound advice in an attempt to help? That one I genuinely couldn’t stomach. What about the honest friend who is deeply protective of children and has secretly judged him harshly for a very long time knowing there were issues with how his wife treats his son? How could he have married someone who isn’t good to his son!? I finally learned he didn’t, the issues between the two were new about a year prior. So when they married she had been good to his son. That made much more sense, but I still barely held back the need to tell him he should’ve given her an ultimatum a YEAR AGO when she started treating his son poorly. I held that back by the skin of my teeth and yet he still went on to tell me he didn’t think he could take it much longer. That’s when something inside of me *broke*.
I had a panic attack suddenly thinking for the first time there was even a small chance that he might realistically leave his wife. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart and I can’t deny having had fantasies I could never totally banish about myself and Mr. Trouble, but I always knew without a doubt that they were fantasies only and had nothing at all to do with reality. I relied on knowing he is married to help me feel safe. Unfortunately my feeling of having some control went out the window with that single text and to compound my difficulties, I didn’t recognize that what I was feeling was a panic attack so I was not able to manage it as well as I typically do. I really do love everything about Mr. Trouble, even his many and deep flaws. But the way I love his voice is something unto itself. We’d had phone sex exactly once before, more than a year prior. And honestly it wasn’t great phone sex lol, there really was very little talking and it didn’t last long as we both got off in separate beds hours apart. But just hearing him, hearing his breathing over the phone and what little talking there was at the beginning pushed me so damn high! It was different this time, it was so much better. We actually talked, and talked, and TALKED for over 40 minutes! We were both masturbating, both wanting one another. It was late and he had his son at home with him, it felt like the 35 minute drive separating us might as well have been galaxies away. As our conversation continued he started professing that he couldn’t cum and telling me he needs me. I remember truly feeling bad for him as both of our desperation built and he was more and more insistent asking me to see him. I did something I’d never done before and called him ‘baby’ not a typical endearment of mine but he sounded as miserable wanting me as I felt without him. I kept protesting that we couldn’t because his son was home, but my endurance was eroding far more rapidly than I ever could have imagined listening to him practically begging for me. In hindsight I blame the toll the panic attack was taking on me, but I finally did something I never could have believed I’d be capable of and relented! I told him he’d have to give me time to shower before I headed his way and I wasn’t all that quick about it. About 45 minutes later I was ready to go and sent him a text asking if he was sure, he indicated he was. I made a conscious choice to set aside my judgment which said this was absolutely WAY too dangerous and trust his, which said that his son was deep asleep at the other end of the house and we could get away with my being there to hook up. So I went.
We weren’t caught by his son, however I struggled over the next couple of weeks wrestling with anxiety attacks for the first time in many months. I was suddenly TERRIFIED of losing Mr. Trouble and no matter how I looked at it, all roads led to that eventuality. I even felt fearful about my rock solid relationship with Mr. Trustworthy, which is I think what finally tipped me off that there was something bigger going on here which I had yet to diagnose. As tempting as it was to simply RUN, I knew that was an old defense mechanism and resisted, choosing instead to be an adult and have an honest conversation with Mr. Trouble.
9/13/22 11:06 am
Hey handsome, I’m going to be in town Thursday and Friday. Any chance you’d have time for coffee?
I’m in New Hampshire
Oh wow, didn’t realize that was this week. How’s it going?
Pretty well….. Just landed getting luggage.
When’s your presentation?
If you have any down time while you’re gone and wanna talk feel free to give me a call 😘
Friday morning. Will do….
I never did ask how presenting your business plan went I don’t think
It went pretty well…. Just woke up.
Good morning handsome
That’s great! Friday will go well too I have no doubt
Glad you got to sleep in a little today 🙂
Me too….
(audio recording of me masturbating, moaning Mr. Trouble’s name and cumming)
NSFW 😈😘
So you listened to what I sent you huh? 😀
It was beautiful
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Not sure why but inspiration struck 🙂
That is both true and not true to be completely honest…meeting for coffee has become the ritual when Mr. Trouble and I need to discuss something that I feel the need to talk about in person, including when I stopped sleeping with him due to his drinking and admitted to him that his drinking was terrifying me. So, asking to meet for coffee is our equivalent of the phrase, ‘We need to talk.’ While it’s true that inspiration struck and the idea was unexpected, I do have some idea as to why…having asked to meet for coffee only to discover Mr. Trouble was currently out of the state for work I didn’t want him stressed or worried that I was going to break up with him again. I was looking for ways to reassure him that everything was okay between us without directly SAYING that to him as I knew there would be consequences once I said my peace. Perhaps an audio recording of me getting off and moaning his name was a *bit* overkill!? Lol.
9/20/22 8:31 am
Any chance you’d have time for coffee this week?
I think tomorrow is pretty open
I have a massage in town from 10-11:30a, before or after that?
How about before? Do you just want to come by my house?
That sounds good
What time?
How about 9a?
Sounds good! I like when I get to see you more frequently 😘
God therapy SUCKS!!! Lol. Ugh. Two steps forward one step back 🙄 but progress not perfection 🤷♀️
I’m excited to see you tomorrow
Me tooooo! I do want to actually talk with you tho lol cuz I’ve been struggling a bit lately and I’m hoping talking will help
Ok
I don’t want to keep running when things scare me, never works anyway!
😘
You light up my life
I hope you know that 🙂 💙
I do!
How’s your day going?
Moderately, productive. I’ve just been catching up with people in the office today.
I wondered if you’d be buried after traveling last week
I tried to keep up on email until traveling on Saturday. Just this past weekend and Monday I had 70 emails to get to this morning.
Your job sucks. Thank you for doing it and doing it well!
I enjoy it a lot.
I know, I’m so glad. I love seeing you light up
Tho I was curious when you started to say be…and changed it to lifestylegambler cuz it clearly wasn’t going to be lifestylegambler lol
[first name] + [last name] = be….. That’s my best guess…lol.
Wanna know a secret?
Of course!
I was super disappointed I didn’t end up being able to tell you in person when I switched to using [last name] because I couldn’t bring myself to tell you via text what I’d planned to tell you in person…I love hearing you cal me [first name]. You’re literally the only person that I feel seen as who I really am when you say my name. The only down side to switching to [last name] for me was knowing you’d make an effort to call me [last name] and I’d need to let you cuz it would draw attention if you continued using [first name] when I was introducing myself as [last name] etc. but it’s always made me feel *seen* when you’ve used my name
When everyone else calls me [last name] I get a similar feeling now and it feels really good
But I always loved hearing you call me [first name]
You were also the only person I was excited to tell about the change, literally everyone else I was nervous to tell
Not with you 😘💙
🙂
So that’s my way of saying thank you for being you 😍
Awwww…. I struggle being me sometimes…..lol. I feel I can be better sometimes….
I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same way. But life is about exploring, learning and growing, right? Progress not perfection. Be kind to yourself because life isn’t easy and we all do the best we can with the tools we have in the circumstances in which we find ourselves. And you have always been there when I needed you
You have such a big heart and you care so deeply and that’s not easy
I’ve been super impressed the last few months seeing you making an effort to do better in so many ways
Change is scary but can be so worth it
I’m grateful you’ve let me in and confide in me so much more than you used to
I like getting to feel like you can lean on me too at least once in a while
And just for the record I learned all those things through YEARS of brutal therapy lol it didn’t come easy
And it still is a struggle which is why I’m always reminding myself progress not perfection
Thank you…
I’ll always be on your side if you let me. I respect and admire you, but for me the even bigger deal is that I trust you, pretty deeply. I didn’t give that trust away, you’ve earned every ounce of it. You haven’t been perfect but neither have I. You’ve respected boundaries I’ve set when I needed to and you’ve let me be your friend even when I said no to more intimate activities. I trust you and that means the most to me. I think you have an idea of how tough trust is for me but I’m not afraid of trusting you
Wanting to do/be better is NOT a bad thing, it’s a great thing! Just like me and my riding skills, if I didn’t want to be better I never would’ve improved. Wanting more is the result of caring
It’s okay to start wherever you’re at. Wanting to be better takes strength of character
Its not about when you fall down or where you began, it’s where you choose to go with your life and YOU get to choose
Therapy is a huge part of how I manage that same desire to want to be better, it has worked well for me when I find the right person 🙂
You give so much of yourself to [organization], students, instructors, you always give your all and I love that about you
But we all have areas in our lives with which we struggle. That’s okay
It doesn’t make you weak or in an way worth LESS
It’s much harder to acknowledge we can improve in areas than it would be to ignore it
Make sense?
I appreciate your perspective.
Even if you don’t *believe* it does it at least make sense in your head?
I get that feelings don’t always match what we think lol
It does.
I’m glad. Hopefully it helps knowing that’s how I see it and how I see you. I believe in you and trying your best is all you can ask of yourself and all I try to expect of myself and others but can be tough to remember
Oh check this out 😍
screenshot of conversation with another instructor:
Hey [instructor], this is LG. I just wanted to thank you again for the last couple days. You are so kind and caring and I know it takes effort to call me [last name] now after using [first name] for years. That effort means so much to me and I’m just really grateful I have the opportunities to get coached by you and get to know you better. Truly, thank you for all you do!!! You rock 🙂
Thank you. We are blessed. You have come a long way. Your indefatigable attitude inspires me
Thank you, that means so much to me. I work hard at the things I love and I love to be challenged but I know I owe every skill and enjoyable time on two wheels to [organization] and I also feel very blessed to have had the opportunities [organization] and amazing people like you have given me. Truly a special organization but I just wanted you to know that I think the world of you!
Neat!
I thought that would make you smile 🙂
Definitely made me smile!
Can’t wait to see you and finally be able to touch you!!! It was not easy distracting myself from you the last couple days lol
😂😍😘
Finally cuddled up to [instructor] cuz I was too exhausted to keep myself under control! Lol. I’m waaaaaay more physically affectionate than is good for me 😆
You make me smile
Mmmm I’m very glad! Making you smile is one of my favorite things in the world 💙
When I saw him the next morning part of me knew this could truly be the last time and I clung to him. Everything about him just FITS, being in his arms is such a *relief*. I was there to talk and I tried to moderate things and not get too carried away, for some reason I’d thought it would be better to get the talking part out of the way before we got naked. I FAILED! Lol. And I just could NOT keep my mouth shut apparently because I remember admitting at one point while he was going down on me, “I can’t decide if I was more embarrassed or turned on when I listened to that recording before I sent it to you and realized that I came the INSTANT I let myself moan your name!” He was a bit too occupied to respond verbally lol but I definitely got the impression he’d heard me loud and clear lol. Once we’d gotten dressed he said something indicating to me he was initiating saying goodbye.
“I’m not leaving before we talk.”
“What are we talking about?”
“I’ll tell you if you let me sit down.”
Only, he made no move to relocate. I’m not sure exactly what I had in mind…I can’t imagine sitting in his living room filled with pictures of him and his wife and sayings about home and love and I don’t know exactly what (because what little I picked up from passing glances the few times I’ve been in his house was always more than enough to make me feel sick) and confessing my love there. If I’d truly wanted to sit I could’ve climbed back up on his bed, but at this point his sheets *definitely* needed washed lol and just being so close to him and having as much physical contact as we did with me standing there in his arms, after a moment of just breathing and gathering my courage I went ahead and took the leap I’d been planning, knowing that one way or another things would never be the same.
Getting ghosted finally caught up with me and I’ve been having anxiety attacks. I wouldn’t have believed our mutual friend was capable of doing that to me, so it kicked up my PTSD, particularly trust and abandonment issues regarding those with whom I’m closest.
Earlier this year I talked with you about changing my mindset from fearing each time I saw you would be the last to assuming you’re going to continue to be in my life in the future. That worked great for a while, but lately I feel like we’ve been building deeper trust and better communication and I realized that now I’m terrified, one way or another, I’m going to lose you eventually.
I’m in love with you; I love every part of you. I’ve been hesitant to say that for a lot of reasons, but the most important one was fear of making you feel pressured in any way. I’m tired of fear and I wanted you to hear me say it: I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I really hope admitting that to you isn’t a mistake. I’m not asking you for anything and I don’t need anything from you, I just wanted you to know what’s been going on with me.
‘Thank you for sharing’ he responds. I lean my forehead against his, close my eyes and just breathe for a moment. But I can’t resist long and again find my lips are on his as my hands slide into his hair, onto his jaw, drinking him in. The thing is, standing there between his legs as he sat on the side of his bed, my arms looped around his neck, looking down into his eyes as I spoke, I SAW the joy flash across his face when I finally confessed my love. I really didn’t expect him to say it back, and I’m not totally sure I would’ve even wanted him to…it might’ve just HURT to hear him say it to my face, I don’t know. Would I have believed it was genuine? Would it have seemed forced or felt coerced? There are just SO many ways it could’ve gone bad had he said it back, I was perhaps relieved that he didn’t. Clearly he isn’t the only coward! Soon we said goodbye and went about our routines. I so badly wanted to text him but I resisted, and I’m glad I did considering what he had to say when I next heard from him two days later.
Fri Sept 23 2022 6:05p
Sorry I’ve been so quiet the last few days, but I’ve been thinking about you and what you said a lot….. It hit me pretty hard and I realized the feelings that were developing… The last thing I want to do is to hurt you…. I just didn’t want to say it back and then pull back… I don’t deserve to be with you, and you need someone that can spend the time with you that you need…. You are a good person and I don’t want to put you in any awkward position… I’m very impressed with you this year. I can tell you are working on you a lot, and it’s inspiring me…
11:24 pm
There’s plenty I could say to that but I’m not clear on your expectations going forward…I’ve always told you I’d let you be the moment you say the word. I can be out of your life completely other than when I need my boss. Is that the plan?
Finally, on 10/6/22 I sent him an email to his work email address with the subject ‘Issue’ saying:
Hey boss,
I need to talk to you at your earliest convenience. Would you please give me a call when you can?
The sad thing is I wasn’t even sure he’d respond, hence the need to sort this shit out! A few hours later he did indeed give me a call, and the conversation went something like this…
You can do whatever you want with your personal life and it’s FINE if we’re not friends, but I need to know if I can trust you as my boss. I never thought I’d have to ask that question but you were out of line ignoring me when I asked about future communication between us. I HAD to ask that BECAUSE you are still my boss. It didn’t matter how you answered but ignoring me completely broke my trust in you as my boss. This may not be fair, but I know you and I KNOW you make unpredictable and often poor decisions when you get emotional and now I’m afraid that could affect how you treat me as an employee, which is a serious problem. I’ve applied for a couple of jobs and right now I’m not sure how you would handle it if someone called for a reference.
Have I ever given you reason not to trust me as your boss?
Not until you didn’t respond to that text.
I didn’t know how to respond and I didn’t think we talked about work over text.
LOL. I’ve said this over and over again, and I KNOW you never heard me, but texting about work was never an issue. The problem was when you text me about potential *issues* with work, that’s the only thing I requested that you not text me about. I figured you’d have picked up by now on the fact that when I use the word ‘boss’ I’m making a point. I knew you probably wouldn’t know the answer to that question right away so it didn’t seem fair to ask you over the phone and obviously I wasn’t going to email you when the question wouldn’t have come up were it not for our personal relationship, so I text you to give you time to respond. But it’s been two weeks and if I’m going to continue teaching I have to know that I can still rely on you if I need my boss. When I sent you that email I honestly didn’t even know if you’d respond, and that’s a problem.
You’re right, I’m sorry.
I realize now that in his mind my question was personal rather than work related, and that’s understandable considering our complex relationship. I forgave him easily and when he continued to express remorse I assured him that it was in the past, he and I are good and to just let it go and move on. Luckily I’ve never been shy about confronting him as my boss! Lol. However, the conversation lingered and several times attempted to move off on tangents that were decidedly personal and I kept hearing myself having to say things like, ‘…but that’s not a conversation we need to have.’ and refocusing on the point from which we’d wandered. It’s easy to tell we both still enjoy talking with one another and its just SO DAMN HARD to say goodbye, end the conversation and actually HANG UP! But we eventually managed and I felt much better which was a welcome relief.
The week of October 10, 2022 one of the office staff who usually handles everything to do with instructor class assignments was out of the office and, you guessed it! Mr. Trouble was filling in for her. I communicate with her quite a bit, but not on a weekly basis by any means and yet of course I had at least THREE entirely different things come up that week which would usually be handled by her, putting me in contact with Mr. Trouble via email multiple days. I hate the pleasure I experience every time knowing that, at least for a few minutes, he will be forced to think about me. I don’t want to care!!! We didn’t talk any more than necessary and everything was 100% on topic and yet just knowing he’d have to think about me for even the small amount needed to handle work things going on made me happy 😦
A few weeks later was our organization’s annual award banquet, when instructors from all over the state come together and this year was the first time it was held in person in years due to COVID. I did *not* want to attend for so many reasons, just starting with my hope to never be anywhere with Mr. Trouble, his wife, Mr. Trustworthy and HIS WIFE! Sounds like my idea of Hell for sure. The week before the banquet our director contacted me to ask about some video I’d taken of instructor only classes and I sent him options so he could include real video in the presentation. He seemed personally affronted when I told him I wasn’t going to be at the banquet and when he asked why I gave him the lowest priority reason on my long list, that COVID is still a thing, I’m immunocompromised and still fighting off viral bronchitis. All true just a shallow truth lol.
Nov. 7th, 2022, Monday after the banquet, I got an email from our director Mr. Trouble’s boss:
Hi LG,
Thanks again for the videos you sent. I used one of them at the banquet, and it went great. Sorry we missed you. Perhaps you can make it next year.
PS – I credited you with attending 19 classes! A record I believe.
Between my heightened emotions still plaguing me from the banquet the other night and the Director’s mention of the future, I suddenly realized he likely doesn’t know about my hands. So, I responded:
Hey [Director],
I’m glad you were able to use one of the videos! I’d hope most of our instructors wouldn’t need to work that hard on their skills lol but I’m grateful for how much I improved 🙂 I had so little control last fall when I finally was able to ride again I knew enough to be scared for my safety. 19 classes and numerous rides with other instructors helped me build better skills than I ever expected to have!
I’ve had a couple discussions with Mr. Trouble the past few months but my time with [organization] is rapidly coming to a close. I’m losing the use of my hands due to a disease and it has progressed dramatically this year, so I won’t be able to ride much longer at all and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to make it through the training season teaching next year because I won’t be able to pick up cones or hold my cards. I’ll get in as much as I can before that happens but there isn’t any treatment and there are obvious limits to how much accommodations can be made as I lose the use of my hands. I hate to disappoint you but thought I’d warn you in case you weren’t aware.
I’ve known for many years I’d lose the use of my hands at an early age but I am grateful beyond words for the opportunities [organization] has given me and the chance to live my passion as long as possible. I hope you enjoyed the banquet! Saying goodbye to [organization] will be extremely hard but I will always be grateful for the impact on me personally and knowing such good people are still out there fighting the good fight!
Best,
LG
I’d hoped by mentioning I’d talked with Mr. Trouble the Director would leave my boss out of it, but no such luck…
Hi LG,
I’m so sorry to hear about the health challenge you’re confronting. It saddens me to no end. I’m also reflecting on your eagerness to ride and enthusiasm for [organization], and, I must say, I have tremendous respect for you. While many would have succumbed to despair, you fully embraced what you love.
Please let us know how we can best serve you as you manage the limitations you address. I’m including copying Mr. Trouble, so he’s aware as well.
All the very best.
Well FML. I couldn’t not respond to a message like that, but any response would likely draw attention if I didn’t CC Mr. Trouble. In theory I could’ve just shot off a quick acknowledgment/thank you type of thing directly back and not CC’ing Mr. Trouble would’ve made sense, but that’s not who I am! I needed to say more, and apparently I couldn’t resist the temptation knowing Mr. Trouble would also be reading this email thread…
You are very kind, [Director]. I’m sorry to have saddened you, I just wanted you to know what to expect when I realized you were likely unaware of my circumstances.
[organization] has always supported me above and beyond my expectations and as I said, I have discussed this with Mr. Trouble and kept him in the loop. I’ll be around both riding and teaching as long as I’m able and when I have to let go and say goodbye, I will do so truly grateful for the time I did get to have. I believe things happen for a reason so although I don’t want to close this chapter, I will work to find what’s next for me and I’ll always have wonderful memories and amazing people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know thanks to [organization]. I wouldn’t trade what I’ve been lucky enough to experience for anything. The pain of loss is natural when one cares deeply and truly, nothing lasts forever. I’ve chosen to embrace opportunities knowing I was against the clock and don’t regret doing so!
Also as a side note, the effort everyone has put forth in honoring my request to change to going by [last name] rather than [first name] has meant more to me than I could ever put in to words. Thank you.
With gratitude,
LG
I’ve been so tied up in knots I’m struggling to sleep. I miss him…I know, you’re SHOCKED! It’s not like that last email is screaming my longing and feelings of loss *at ALL*. I just couldn’t resist what felt like my last real chance to say goodbye and that I love him, particularly as my feelings about losing the ability to ride a motorcycle or even continue teaching classes for much longer are so similar. Nine weeks sounds like a not insubstantial length of time, and yet I feel like the pain is just getting worse. There was so much I wanted to say in response to the break up text he sent me (at least the THIRD time he’d called things off via *text* the damn coward!) but they were things I only had a right to say as a friend, and I had a hunch we weren’t going to be friends anymore so I refrained in an attempt to respect his wishes and instead sought to clarify…much easier to respect someone’s boundaries when you know what they are! Except the break up text is the last thing he ever sent me. It’s hardly unusual for him to use silence as a means of communication and I am about killing myself resisting the urge to reach out…I guess I technically (?) failed given that email I CC’d him on, but I can’t bring myself to regret it. I do wish I felt that I had a better handle on my motives. Am I trying to prompt him to reach out? We both know that even if we aren’t sleeping together or sexting we still have deep feelings for one another, so being ‘just friends’ has never been achievable no matter how many times we’ve tried.
I miss the friendship, although to be honest that was true even during the prior months when things were going so well with us. He just doesn’t have much time for me I guess, but that’s confusing because we used to talk every day, at least in the morning when he did have time. So it felt like the change was that talking with me was no longer a priority rather than that he truly didn’t have enough time…it feels like we only talked when he was horny or stressed out and needed someone but it was no longer a two way street. He had no idea what was going on in my life and really never even asked anymore. But the truth is I don’t know, can’t know for sure. He has a family, a BIG job and summer is the busy time of year so I wanted to believe he didn’t have enough time and I constantly tried to convince myself it was this rather than me not being a priority. Even so, I backed WAY off on how frequently I reached out/text him honestly just in an attempt to wean myself off of how dependent I felt I’d been on him for so long. I don’t know, maybe in a way I was testing him too, seeing what the relationship would look like if I didn’t do the majority of the work/initiation? Things *were* good, he did NOT do anything wrong or mess up or hurt me in any way, but he wasn’t present in my life as I longed for him to be or even as much as he had been at times in the past. This dramatic shift was confusing for me.
I ended up emailing Mr. Trouble at work Friday 11/18/22:
Subject: [Braking Clinic] Question
Good afternoon,
I’m stalking the master schedule so I can put advanced classes in my phone to keep in mind and had to ask…is the [braking clinic] in ******* on 8/6/23 another high speed instructor only braking clinic??? Cuz if it is I’m blocking that date out on my keep out dates RIGHT NOW! Lol.
Thanks!!!
LG
Subject: RE: [Braking Clinic] Question
Yes, it is! I’m excited for it already, too! I’m planning on announcing the same format as last year in February this year, so we can get a little more participation with this campout and the braking clinic. I hope you are doing well. Sorry, I missed you at the banquet.
The best,
Mr. Trouble
Subject: RE: [Braking Clinic] Question
Yay! I’m super excited, hopefully my hands hold out long enough for me to get to do it one more time! I’m doing great and I’ll definitely attend next year but I had other plans that night this year. I hope you’re doing well also 🙂 AND if you’re responsible for the [Advanced Class]’s so early in the year next year, THANK YOU!!!!! I can’t wait for classes to start up again since I don’t have any more this year. …not sure if I can top teaching 24 and taking 19 but I’m looking forward to giving it a go 😉 Now I just need the *one* ******* cornering clinic to not get rained out on me again next year and I’ll have checked the big ones off my list 😀
Cheers,
LG
Mr. Trouble didn’t know about my life-altering surgery that I had 11/15/22, which was a big part of why I was in such a great mood when composing the above emails. I truly wasn’t exaggerating, at the time I did feel great. But given the tenor of the last email I sent that he was CC’d on and the substantial effort I put in to composing the doublespeak to communicate entirely different messages to him and our director I couldn’t help but wonder about his reaction, if he’d believe me, if he’d wonder if I’m missing him, if he’d think about me at all or if I was just another email for him to get through and forget.
There are things I’ve never done with Mr. Trouble, lines I just couldn’t trust him enough to cross. I had so many unanswered questions, so many what ifs. Some fantasies certainly, but it was never really about the sex because that was always great. It was about wanting to build intimacy and explore our connection deeper, wondering what it might be like if he actually treated me well, didn’t do anything to hurt me. I’ve never taken a selfie with him. This saddens me, but I couldn’t handle one existing. I suppose I also feared he’d say no if I asked him, but I kind of doubt that. It’s just, having pictures of him alone makes my breath catch in my chest and my whole world freeze for a moment when I get a call or a text and see his contact picture unexpectedly. A picture of the two of us, together!? Seeing such a thing would’ve been endless torture knowing we could never have anything real. I couldn’t do that to myself. I also keep secrets from Mr. Trouble. Mr. Trustworthy knows Mr. Trouble’s true identity, but I would NEVER trust Mr. Trouble with Mr. Trustworthy’s identity. I always referred to Mr. Trustworthy as my best friend when talking about him with Mr. Trouble. That’s a line I’d never have crossed. Then there are the small things, like my ridiculous affection for stuffed animals. I can’t imagine I ever would’ve been willing to share that factoid with Mr. Trouble. All that would’ve done is caused me pain knowing I’d never receive one as a gift from him even though he knew how much they mean to me. Silly and arbitrary as they may be, I had definite lines I would not cross to protect the most vulnerable parts of myself.
I don’t really have any questions left now. I suppose this has given me some degree of peace and assisted in my trying to truly let go and move on since this last break up with Mr. Trouble. I don’t think I can bring myself to describe the final times we were together, it’s just too intimate for me to expose right now, even here. But the things I’d fantasized about, I got to experience with him. We were sexually involved again for months before it ended, and everything was good the whole time. He treated me with respect. He was opening up and confiding in me more than ever before, and about topics which had been 100% off limits for discussion in the past. My #1 sexual fantasy revolving around him finally became a reality, and every instant of it was honestly fucking perfect. He was amazing. We also checked off some other wish list items we’d discussed in the past and in between he wasn’t letting me down or hurting me like he always had before. He wasn’t downing entire bottles of whiskey in hotel rooms as I’d seen him do earlier in the year. I couldn’t have been more in love with him and I believe he loved me in return.
I didn’t realize how brutal Black Friday would be this year. Last year Mr. Trouble and I spent the entire day out on our bikes for Black Friday. Our route even included the coast which I always love! The roads were empty, the weather was sunny and the pavement was ours for the taking! I had so much fun and couldn’t help but hope for a repeat in the future. I didn’t get one. And what’s worse is I all but begged for it too. A couple days before Thanksgiving I had an idea about a potential ADA accommodation that might allow me to continue teaching longer as the function in my hands continues to decrease so I sent an email to Mr. Trouble right away wanting to know if he could look in to it; he emailed me back Wednesday arguing that what I was asking for would make the cards more difficult to hold with less hand function and I gave in and called him rather than responding via email. I won’t deny that I wanted to talk to him – I always want to talk to the bastard! But I call him very rarely and typically stick to email anyway. Thing is, convincing him he’s wrong felt like it was going to be challenging at best via email and I really was excited about this idea I had to help me.
‘Hi [first name]! Sorry! [last name]’
I might not ever hear it again, but at least I got to hear him say my first name one last time. I spent several minutes laying out for him why he was wrong, until he agreed and said he’d need to talk to his boss who’s out this week but he’ll get back to me next week. I expected to end the conversation, but as always seems to happen on the phone these days, it continued on when Mr. Trouble asked, ‘how’s everything else?’ All I had to do was say, ‘Good!’ and leave it be! But nooooooooo, not lifestylgambler! My dumb ass just starts to ramble on about my personal life, talking to Mr. Trouble like I would if we were *friends*! I told him I was doing well, ‘I’d rather be teaching but having the time off from teaching gave me time to have a surgery I really wanted to get done so I’m recovering from that and I went on a motorcycle ride w [instructor] on Monday which was a blast. I’m a little disappointed there won’t be a repeat of how much fun I had on Black Friday last year but oh well. How about you?’ He seemed surprised when I asked him in return and said, ‘Oh, me? Uh, good, I guess…’ I laughed and said, ‘Okay, well if you ever need a friend you know my number. Otherwise thanks for your help with the rest.’ and we said goodbye. So yeah, I couldn’t have begged much more than that for him to want to be friends again, to ride with me again before I lose the use of my hands completely and we never get another chance, without feeling like I was pressuring him. I made sure he knows the door is open on my side but only if he chooses to walk through it. And of course I would feel we’d need to talk before resuming our friendship and how that went might lead to choosing to not resume it, but at least there’d be a discussion rather than the total radio silence I’ve had from him on a personal front since his break up text, him asking how I was outside of work being the first glimmer of hope I’ve had.
I *could* have gone to the banquet, even seriously entertained the idea of going for a few days in fact. I COULD have gone, with no date, in a gorgeous dress looking hot as hell. I COULD have shown up to be there when my name came up over and over again in recognition of all my participation and achievements this year. I would have smiled and probably had at least a couple of enjoyable conversations, but I know I would’ve felt isolated and lonely and jealous. I chose not to attend because I didn’t want to make the same mistake I made in June, going just to prove I was okay and COULD even though I’m not okay. I know that having to see him in person would’ve absolutely wrecked me emotionally. Under different circumstances that might not be the case, but at the banquet with his wife in tow PLUS Mr. Trustworthy and his wife being there? It would’ve been WAY too much for how raw I was feeling. Hopefully next year the banquet won’t feel so overwhelming – it was a struggle last year too even though it was VIRTUAL!!! But next year will be my last chance to attend and my best chance to say goodbye to everyone as I won’t physically be able to teach the following year at this rate. I hadn’t really thought about it before but that’s why I told Mr. Trouble via email that I’d definitely attend next year. With any luck I’ll be emotionally wrecked for other reasons in 2023 lol.
I’m just ready for it to start getting easier. Which isn’t even really fair because it’s SO immeasurably much easier than a year ago or even nine months ago. But any time I need to communicate with him for work or thinking about the banquet it just ties me up in knots wanting him so badly. I guess my crystal ball is finally working because I knew he’d run when I explained how I was feeling back in September. I don’t regret being honest with him even though I basically initiated the process of losing him as I admitted just how scary that thought had become. I’m not sure if its a blessing or a curse that he’s still my boss and we will have to interact over the coming year numerous times for that reason. What scares me is what comes after I have to quit because of my hands when I’m no longer able to do this job. Will that be the last I ever hear from him? Right now it feels likely and that thought more than anything is what’s driving me to want to rekindle our friendship. I’d by lying if I said I thought I could ever be truly content being just friends, but I’m not generally a content person anyway! I’d gladly truly leave our sexual relationship in the past 100% once and for all if it meant I could still have him in my life as a friend. But I don’t have a way to appropriately communicate this to Mr. Trouble nor am I even sure that it would matter because a friendship is about TWO people, not just one, and based on his continued silence I can assume he is unwilling or unable to resume our friendship in a way that could be realistic for the two of us to manage. Which is also totally fair. We’ve never manged to stay apart before, so perhaps in this case things do have to be black and white and there’s no place at all in between. Only time will tell…
LifestyleGambler 