It’s a sub thing…

I have needs, and H doesn’t understand them. Not only does he not understand them, I can’t make him understand. We had sex last night and H inadvertently gave me a hicky. In my fantasy world, H did it on purpose, to mark me and possess me. To show that I’m his, that I belong to him. This was immediately shattered today when he realized he’d left a mark and apologized profusely. Any time he leaves a mark, a hicky, a bruise, anything, he always apologizes. Repeatedly. Even when I begged him: harder, more, please! He is always sorry. H doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want to humiliate me, doesn’t want to own me. H doesn’t want the things I need, the things I crave. I want to be marked, bruised, forced.

I assume it’s the sub in me that is desperate for the physical marks, the proof that I’m wanted, needed even? I guess I can’t be sure as I don’t personally know any other subs, but that’s my assumption. I wish I knew how to relate the soul deep need, but I think only a Dom who feels the need to see it or a sub who feels the need to feel it can understand what I mean. The problem is that I’m not getting it; haven’t really ever gotten it. It’s not getting easier, it’s getting worse. I don’t know what to do. H & I had sex tonight. But, before hand I masturbated for nearly 45 minutes. Then part way into riding him I put in my Ben Wa Balls. After a bit H came and was done. I was horiner than ever. I fucked myself with one of my toys until I squirted, and all that did was continue to rev me up more.

I admit I’m a novice sub at best, but my fantasies drive me crazy. I want to be spanked, whipped, flogged, cut, I want searing hot wax dripped all over my body and clawed off. I imagine being forced to wear a butt plug all day (I’ve never used one), being denied orgasms, being gang banged (also never done that), figging, and on and on and on. My need is constantly escalating and never being met. I feel like I’m going crazy, like my skin is crawling with unfulfilled desires. I don’t know how much more I can take. Worse, I don’t know what will happen when I finally can’t take it anymore…

Ben Wa Balls

So yesterday I had a snow day & didn’t go in to work, but H did. Here I was, alone and horny all day. I admit I spent some time setting up my fabulous new blog & on twitter (@lifestylesub), took a nap, and did some cleaning. When I simply couldn’t wait any longer, I made myself comfortable in bed with all my favorite toys and got to work. Shockingly, I couldn’t cum! Usually I cum easily and frequently. I nearly always experience multiple orgasms during sex, and when I get worked up enough even squirt. But playing alone? Toughest way to get off ever. Giving up, I realized I haven’t used my Ben Wa Balls in ages. I figured if nothing else, I could enjoy the feeling of something inside me for a few hours.

Skip ahead to my quiet evening after H is home from work. There I am, relaxing on the couch reading my flavor of the week erotica, when H asks, “What are those small silver balls sitting next to the sink in the bathroom?” Que my dear-in-headlights look! Um, apparently after I cleaned them I forgot to put them away in their box. Awesome. Now here’s the thing, H and I are very open about our desires, it’s just that I have so many more of them than he does. Don’t get me wrong, he loves swinging, threesomes, DP, foursomes, and so on and so forth. But he was so vanilla when I met him you’d think he’s made of sunshine and rainbows!

So, I’m always self-conscious about my desires. It’s never easy for me to fess up to what I’m thinking/feeling/wanting/craving/needing. H had never even had anal before I seduced him in to it. Flash forward to me buying a harness and a variety of strap-ons and pegging him! He loves to give me what I want and not only see me get off, but make me squirt until our bed/floor/car is a lake. It’s just so. damn. hard. to admit things to him. I have deeply rooted trust issues, and I suspect I’m subconsciously waiting for the day when I admit something that’s too much for him and he calls it quits. Not at all fair, and certainly not helping our marriage. I’m working on it, but truth be told finally admitting to him my submissive needs may have been more harmful than helpful (but that’s another story entirely).

Back to the story. There I sit, staring at him and realizing he has no idea what Ben Wa Balls are. Do I: A. Take the cowards way out and refuse to discuss it; B. Explain what they are, the variety of uses for them; C. Say they are a sex toy and admit how desperately I want him to bend me over and spank me til I scream with them inside me? I admit it, I was a total coward. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Thing is, he just said “okay” and went back to watching T.V. Well, I was not about to let it go that easy! If he isn’t going to push, I’m going to force it on him! Well, you know, not directly. I’ve already established I don’t have the guts to talk about it with him. Solution? Google thank you very much. I texted (yes, while we were sitting on the same couch!) him a link to a website explaining what they are and the various uses. *blush*

Now, I realize this doesn’t clue him in to what I was doing with them exactly, or let him know I want him to ask more questions or use them with me, but a girl can dream. Sadly, H only teased me momentarily about texting him rather than telling him and let it drop. I guess I’ll have to keep waiting for that particular spanking session…