I Haven’t Forgotten

A couple nights ago I had a dream, one I can’t quite shake. I don’t often think about V; I dream about him even more rarely. I don’t remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember him in bed with H and I. We were all naked, but V was separate from H & I. H was touching me and kissing me, but I wasn’t into it. I kept looking at V and wanting him; I didn’t understand why he wasn’t involved, why he wasn’t touching me. I dissociated from what H was doing and was completely focused on V. After a few minutes H stopped and I went to V. He had gotten up from the bed, so I followed. 

 

This is where the dream became so vivid it takes my breath away just thinking about it as I type. V looked at me, and I saw everything his eyes held back when I was sixteen and he was twenty four. I could see the affection he had for me, I could see his desire, and so much more in his eyes as he looked at me. I saw a future that I desperately want, filled with love, family, children. After an instant and an eternity of V looking down at me like that, he opened his arms and I wrapped myself in his embrace. I could feel his body against me, I felt the way we fit together. Its been over six years since last I touched him, and yet I had him in my arms once again in that damn dream. 

 

As soon as I looked into V’s eyes, it was as if H didn’t exist. V kissed me, and his lips were air to my drowning soul. I felt so strong, beautiful, safe and loved. All of my self-doubt, self-hatred, all of my complicated feelings and worries were just gone. In V’s arms I felt worshiped. More than that even, I felt understood completely. It’s difficult to convey adequately what his touch inspired in me, but it was everything I’ve ever wanted to feel. There was no rush; we took our time, we connected. The entire time H was nowhere to be seen. I trusted V with all that I am. Much as I’m not a fan of the phrase, we made love. After, H reappeared in my dream, but he was the 3rd wheel rather than my partner and my husband. V held me and whispered, “I love you.” 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was only a dream. I understand this isn’t how it was in real life. I truly don’t believe V ever loved me. But I did love him, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children. I’ve never felt that way about any other man. It’s funny, I didn’t actually realize that until just now, reflecting on this dream and my feelings. I love H, and I am so grateful to have him. I would never leave him. But, he isn’t someone I’d want to have children with. We are too different. Trying to raise children with H would be a never ending battle. That’s not what I want. So, when I tell H I don’t want children, it isn’t a lie. It’s true that I don’t want to raise children with him. But once upon a time, I desperately wanted children. For me, it comes down to trust. I trust H with my life, but I don’t trust him to be there forever, through thick and thin, no matter what. That’s what I’d need to be willing to have children. When V swore to me we’d be together, I believed him. He’s the only man that ever had my complete trust. I gave him all of me, and I’m not sure I ever got it all back.

 

If there’s one thing that’s become very clear to me since I’ve begun this blog, it’s that my submissiveness is not something I can hide or deny any longer. It’s ironic that I’d have such a dream about V now, when I’m so much more clear about what I want in a relationship, things that V could never have given me. H and I have been having a rough time. It’s nobody’s fault, we are just very different. We think differently, we communicate differently, we assume differently, we understand differently. It’s a constant battle for us to be on the same page. We are fighting, and we are fighting hard for our marriage. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s tiring. It leaves me feeling hollow, empty, lacking. Not all the time, but often enough. Things have been getting better, slowly but surely. H still makes me happy, we still love one another, we still want to be together. But I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind things being easy for a while.

 

I imagine that’s where this dream came from. Now that I’ve given it more thought, it does sound like just the break I want: being with the only man who ever had my trust without reservation, the man I wanted to raise children with. I get that the dream was just a fantasy, an idealized version of what was. It’s still hard to know what I felt in that dream is forever out of reach. V was the second man I ever went to bed with. I had a boyfriend before him, Z. We were both 16, and we only dated for one summer. I loved Z, still do in fact. Z is pretty messed up, his home life was a mess too. We both had anger issues and other emotional problems. The thing that gets me about Z is that I begged him not to promise he’d always love me. I begged him, because I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew I wouldn’t be the girl that gets the storybook happily ever after ending with her first love. I know that I have a hard time letting go. I also knew that if Z promised he’d always love me, I’d never be able to completely let him go. Because hearing him say it validated my always loving him. I don’t want to love him, but a part of me always will. He doesn’t feel the same. 

 

After being betrayed by so many men, at some point it’s tough to not see myself as the only common factor, as the root of the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be a saint. I’ve made a lifetime’s worth of mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll make many more. But I wasn’t wholly responsible either. I was a vulnerable, confused, hurting kid. I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn’t the adults who chose to use and abuse me. I can’t get the bitter taste out of my mouth because that damn dream forced me to relive so much of how I felt, of how innocent I was. Even when I’ve dreamed about being raped, or about E’s abuse, I rarely am this shaken up for this long. I had so much taken from me because nobody protected me, and I didn’t know how to protect myself. I want to let go of the past, I want to let go of the baggage. I just don’t know how. I want to be more connected with H, I want to help him understand me. I just don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am. I want to be happy, I want my marriage to be stronger. I want H to truly know who I am, I want us to trust one another with everything we are. I just have to find the right way; we have to find our path…

Seduction Cancelled

If you’ve read my post Seduction (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-dD), you already know about Z, the hottie from my gym. Let me just start off by saying now I remember why being single sucks! Surprise surprise, things didn’t go as planned this week.

 

I did go to Z’s class Monday, however he didn’t take the time to talk to me one-on-one after, which is unusual. Plans dashed, I went home and started scheming. I decided to go ahead and take a more active approach, which I had initially discarded as an option. I’ve found it’s always best for my targets to think they’re pursuing me rather than vice versa. For Z I decided to make an exception (mistake #1). I knew Z’s first name, as it’s published on the website of my gym, however I had no idea what his last name is. He’s Mexican, so I assumed even if I had his last name he’d be nearly impossible to locate online. I was wrong. Inside of 10 minutes after I began searching for him, I’d found not only his last name but also his Facebook page. I went ahead and sent him a friend request (mistake #2). Reminder to self: No, it is not in fact a good idea to add people as friends on Facebook simply because they’re hot/I want to get them in bed.

 

Z accepted my friend request, and on Tuesday I saw he was online, so I IM’d him (mistake #3). I wanted to get to know him a little better and yes, flirt. We chatted for nearly two hours. While covering the basics such as what we do for work, I found out that he owns his own business in addition to teaching at my gym. Cool. He spent a lot of time telling me about his business and his ideas about how he wants to live his life. I was gaining a bit more insight into his worldview, which is what I was after. He said he’d love to meet me and tell me more about his business. YES PLEASE! He suggested lunch, which doesn’t work well with my schedule. We agreed to meet the following evening, after the dance class at the gym (yesterday). By that point I was coursing with excited/nervous energy. Only problem? I wasn’t sure how H would react. I didn’t tell him right away, and instead spent Tuesday evening and yesterday thinking about what to say. Turns out H was invited to a family outing in a nearby town yesterday evening, which just so happened to start at the same time as my class at the gym. That combined with the hot weather heating up our house gave me the perfect excuse to say I’d be home later than usual. I told H I wasn’t sure what I’d do to entertain myself, but that I’d find something.

 

Flash forward to the end of my class at the gym; I did my cool down stretching and drove to the address Z gave me. In spite of the fact that I used my navigation, I was very concerned I might be lost! Z told me we were meeting at a nutrition club, similar to the one he owns in a different city. I drove around the parking lot, but it was like I was in little Mexico! It took me a couple laps before I spotted the tiny storefront of the Wellbeing Club. Just as I finally figured out where I was suppose to be, I saw Z pull in to the parking lot. So, I parked and got out of my car. I was immediately greeted by the driver of the car next to mine, a gal I know from the gym. She was excited I’d “decided to try it!” Huh? Apparently, this is a group thing. Not what I was expecting, but far simpler to explain to H. So in we go, and there are 5 of us total. Two of the gals I’d never met before but had seen that evening at the gym. The place is completely full of Hispanics; myself and one other girl from the gym were the only white people in the place. Awkward.

 

Now might be a good point to mention that I really don’t see myself as racist, but I certainly can come off that way at times. I believe in calling things as they are – not very PC. When I was a teenager I went through a lengthy “Mexican Phase”, where I only dated/fucked Mexican guys. What can I say? I’m into darker skin and black hair! Plus I find accents super sexy. However, between both V & E being Mexican, I swore off Mexicans when I was in college. If you don’t know the stories there, check out my posts Playing With Fire (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-bN), Consent (http://wp.me/s4jKhN-consent) and Power and Control: Understanding Abuse, and How BDSM is Different (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-bY). I later dated an awesome Mexican guy, D, who I met on a dating website, and he was totally worth breaking that rule for. Long story short, we never slept together and are still friends 🙂 We had a ton of fun while we were dating, and hopefully I will still get him in bed one of these days! So – I like Mexicans. Really, I do! But I’m also more uneasy around Mexican men because of E. It’s not fair, but it’s also not my fault that I was a victim of domestic violence or that I have trust issues.

 

So, back to the Wellbeing Club with Z and the other three gals. I knew that Z’s business was about nutrition, but I didn’t realize it was the magical weight loss shake variety of “nutrition”. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but I am not at all interested. I also have food allergies, and am very cautious about consuming new things for that reason. I ended up trying two of the three parts of this “nutrition plan”, but I only had a small amount, which both Z and the owner were not pleased about. Too damn bad! I will put in my body what I want to – I am not required to consume things simply because that would be more polite! Whilst I was trying my “nutrition shake”, Z proceeded to pitch his business to me: classic pyramid scheme. Again, I’m not saying that it can’t or doesn’t work. I’m sure it does work for at least some people, or such schemes wouldn’t be so popular. What I do know however, again, is that I. Am. Not. Interested. Z pitched his business to me for nearly two hours. Now, I had agreed to meet with him so he could tell me more about his business. I did not agree to be pitched his business – and yes, there is a difference.

 

In addition to my extensive martial arts training & my innate trust issues, I also have difficulty hearing. I wear hearing aids. It’s not something I discuss much or share often, however it does affect my comfort level in certain types of environments. In particular, I have a lot of difficulty understanding people with accents, and hearing in noisy environments. It’s a documented medical condition, not an excuse! The Wellbeing Club was very noisy, and of course Z has a thick accent. I had to concentrate very hard to understand him. Also, I was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people I barely know. It’s fair to say I was on high alert the entire time. It was *not* a fun couple of hours for me. It was exhausting, and by the end of it Z was coming off as very judgmental after I’d made it clear multiple times I wasn’t interested in getting involved in this “nutrition” business. He was rather slow, but eventually picked up on how unresponsive I was. He then started trying to get a lot more personal, and not in the way I was hoping prior to meeting up with him! He continuously asked me, “Why?” As a former extremely successful salesman, I get what he was doing and why. That doesn’t make me interested in participating! I didn’t say this to him, but the bottom line is I don’t have to prove anything to him (or anyone else!), and I don’t have to explain my life or my choices to him either. Z genuinely believes his way is the best way, and I get that he was trying to be helpful. Problem is, he failed miserably in my case.

 

Z doesn’t know me at all. He doesn’t know my past, he doesn’t know my strengths or my weaknesses. He underestimated me, and while I normally don’t mind that, I was quite annoyed by the extend to which he talked down to me last night. Z also has a very different outlook on life than I do. Z cares about money, and I’d be happy living penniless in a monastery, meditating all day. Z had some valid points in the reasons he gave for why his business plan makes sense, but that still doesn’t make it the right fit for me. At one point he actually had the balls to tell me I was being defensive. I explained that answering his “Why?” questions would require a lot of personal information to answer fully, and self-disclosure isn’t something I’m big on. I told him that I’m not defensive so much as I’m only giving partial answers to his questions. Z immediately “reassure” me that I don’t have to tell him any personal information. Bull Shit! That’s exactly what he was after, as getting to know more about me is the only chance he had at trying to figure out how to sell me on his business. I know, inside and out, how to sell. I recognize all the tricks when they’re being used on me. At one point, I even had to tell Z, “I don’t want to play this game.” He was asking me about sales, and tried the old classic, “Try to sell me this pen.” If I was in a job interview for a sales position, no problem. When YOU are pitching YOUR business to ME, there is no way in hell I’m going to prove MY skills to YOU. Amusingly, Z also tried (several times) to reassure me that the business isn’t about sales.  Ha. Ha. Ha!

 

After a couple of exhausting hours, I finally escaped (only because the place was closing!). I told H I’d gone to a nutrition place for a shake with some people from the class at the gym (totally true!), and tried the shake but didn’t actually have one (I was starving when I got home). I told H I really tried hard to make friends (also true!), but that I was very uncomfortable and not interested in the “nutrition” stuff they were all talking about (it was the only topic of conversation at our table, how boring!). I admit that I sometimes complain about not having any friends, so this was me making an effort at correcting that (otherwise, I would’ve left as soon as I realized it was a group get-together). However, I definitely wouldn’t be going there again. All true! H was glad I did something outside of my comfort zone with other people, and was glad to have me home. I, however, was not in a good mood. Next Monday is going to be awkward when I go to my regular class at the gym.

 

I took a sick day and didn’t go to work today as I was up most the night with pain in my back. I’ve had a kidney infection a couple of times in the past, so I went to the doctor today. Good news is no infection, just muscle spasms. Bad news is I took a sick day for no reason. Later I’m heading to my acupuncturist to get my back sorted out. I’m so glad they were able to fit me in on such short notice! Since I’ve been home all day, I’ve been keeping an eye on Facebook to see if Z will contact me about last night – or anything else… I haven’t heard from him, and I’m super curious to see what, if any, his next move will be. Sadly, I seriously doubt our interactions will recover from the disaster last night. Hence the title, my plans for seducing him have now been scrapped. I have no issue playing with people who have different beliefs and/or lifestyles than H and I do (hell, I could argue H & I have different lifestyles as I’m a sub and he does not seem in any way interested in BDSM), however I’m really not a big fan of people who don’t treat me with respect. I felt disrespected last night, because Z was trying so hard to sell me that he bulldozed over all my signals that he was pushing too hard and never backed down, even after calling ME out on being defensive! He did not respect my desire for privacy or space. He wanted me to sign up right now, and I was not hitching myself to that bandwagon.

 

Maybe it’s time to start focusing my energies on some of the lovely ladies at my gym!?

 

 

Consent

24 is just a number. To anyone else, there’s no reason for me to have been emotionally debilitated by that particular birthday. What most people don’t know is that I was once in love with a 24 year old man. I was 16. It gets better. V was married and had an eight year old daughter. Yeah, that was a great plan. I never thought it mattered, back then. Whatever (whoever) I wanted, I just took. V was my best (only) friend. He listened to me pour all my 16 year old angst and heartbreak out. He was only the second guy I ever slept with. He told me he loved me. I believed him, back then.

Here’s the thing, once I was 24, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The shoe’s finally on the other foot. Now, I’m horrified by the idea of even being attracted to, let alone sleeping with, a 16 year old! I feel used, and dirty, and worthless. I still do, when I think about it. Now I finally get why minors can’t consent. At 16, I was still so young. I was out of control. I needed guidance, protection. I (cliche warning!) truly didn’t have the emotional maturity to make the choices I was making, or handle the consequences of those decisions.   I feel so foolish looking back, V promised he was going to marry me. I believed that too. We were together for about a year and a half. The last time I saw him was shortly after my 18th birthday (yeah, I started dating E 5 days after the last time I saw V). The plan, according to V, was to back off our affair. To give him time to get a divorce (at the time, he’d been separated from his wife). Give V time to find a permanent place of his own. Give me time to grow up a little more. V swore when I turned 21, we’d be together again. Get married. Happily Ever After. Right.

So, I got involved with E. Emotionally vulnerable much? Yeah, I just wanted a rebound. Wish that’s all I’d gotten. Anyway, a few weeks later I find out V’s wife is pregnant. So, apparently not only did he move back in with her, he was fucking both of us. Awesome. Glad to know everything you ever told me was a lie. Hope the sex was worth it. Now the stage is set for everything E did to me. Everything I let him do. Everything I never said “no” to. Great memories. So, least favorite number? Gunna have to go with 24.

Hopefully one day things will get easier. I know I can’t forget, but maybe I can figure out how to let go, move on…