Is it Impossible?

 

“I don’t love you and I never will.” That’s what I said to J years ago, before I even met H and after I’d already cheated on J. J told me every girl he’d ever dated had cheated on him and I was certain I wouldn’t…I had never cheated! Then I did; I tried to justify it to myself by texting J after I’d slept with the guy I should’ve realized long before didn’t want me and breaking up with J, but now I think I was just being a coward. I got back together with J in like a week! I wanted to see if this other guy would finally agree to date me and keep J as a back-up plan I guess. I was so awful to J; I hate the person I used to be.

 

I’ve been seeing J for the past month or so. He was there to support me, without hesitation, without any expectations. He lets me talk about H’s death, or not. Let’s me cry, rage, rant, whatever. I was in a really bad place one night and he just drove all the way here and sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone. He stayed with me all night and it helped tremendously. Let’s be honest though, I was never going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with him. I talked to my therapist one day, telling her how I was leaning on J more than any of my other friends or family and how scary that was, and also that I feared it would be the end of the world if I slept with him. She assured me it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I went full speed ahead!

 

Juicy details first…J is still amazing in bed, no surprise! What is a surprise is how easily he was enticed into spanking me, which quickly progressed to choking me, then had me admitting how much I like belts, which he just so happens to own! J didn’t know anything about BDSM but he has good instincts; he insists on lots of clear communication and we haven’t tried anything without talking about it first. He frequently also reminds me of my hard limits just to show me that he knows what they are. We both knew he really likes sex, but neither of us knew he has a dominant streak! Looking back I’m not too surprised; there’s no question that although he’s a bit more introverted than not, he’s definitely an alfa male through and through. In fact, I think this is why I feared him in the past, because E was also an alfa male and I didn’t have any other experience with true alfas.

 

I’ve also never felt so comfortable being my true self. It isn’t nearly as hard to talk to J about what I want, what I fantasize about, the things that scare me and excite me and what I fear might break me. I’m able to let down wall after wall around him, both through my submission and through real, genuine communication. The trust between us has been deepening quickly as we explore BDSM and his toppy side, plus we talk constantly. Another refreshing trait of J’s is that he is very intelligent. When we talk it isn’t mundane drabble, it’s real conversation, something I’ve been mostly starved of in my recent past. Now for the down side – what is hard is that J is a reminder, a very real tie, to my ugly past.

 

Back then he wasn’t the right guy for me with his disregulated, constant anger. And I wasn’t the right girl with my undiagnosed, rampant PTSD. But now? Neither of us is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he has a different career altogether, is successful, has much better communication skills and manages his anger much more effectively. And as for me, I’m seeing him in a whole new light. I’m crazy about him, I love him. I don’t know if I’m *in* love with him, I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now? But I don’t doubt for a moment that I do love him. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep those three words from slipping out. He loves me and has admitted as much, we’ve both acknowledged this. Does he know that I love him too?

 

 

But it feels impossible. H has only been dead for like six weeks! How can I start a new relationship? J knows I’m pretty much trying to rebuild my life from scratch at the moment and am a bit lost as to who I even am. What I am sure of is that I want J in my life. If I was just divorced I would be happy and feel like I was moving forward with my life like I wanted, in control. Free to chose whatever is right for ME! Instead I fear the consequences of falling in love too soon, of loving too easily, of growing dependent and building my life around a man AGAIN, possibly to my own detriment, AGAIN. And as J keeps telling me, he knows the score. He is counting on me moving on. But it hurt so much. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, I want to give him everything!

 

J has said over and over again that he’s long ago healed and forgiven me for how terribly I treated him in the past; unfortunately, I haven’t forgiven myself. And I keep getting reminders of just how awful I was…I get confused by his behavior here and there, so I ask about it and end up with an answer like being reminded I used to feel like he was around too much and he doesn’t want to end up in that position again, so he only comes to see me when I specifically invite him. Totally fair, but oh my god it hurts to know he has to try to protect himself from me like that. It hurts even more because I know I was right back then when I said I didn’t love him and I never could – the person I was back then couldn’t have ever gotten past the fear no matter how long we’d stayed together. I want to believe I’m different now, but how can I be sure? And how much am I willing to risk?

 

When push comes to shove, can I be certain I won’t betray J again? And even if I could be sure, does that make any real difference? He isn’t asking for or expecting anything but right now and for me to be honest with him when I’m ready to move on. I know he will let me go instantly, no strings attached. But I don’t want him to let me go! One night he was feeling possessive, he gave me a hickey and growled ‘Mine!’ while we were having sex. God I came completely undone! I want to be his so badly. I guess it’s different every time, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so accepted as J makes me feel; I like who I am with him. Is it too late to rewrite our story?

 

 

 

Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

Temptation

  It’s been maybe six months now since I called things off with O. We’d been hooking up fairly regularly and while I always enjoyed our rolls in the hay, there wasn’t domination occurring. In fairness I wasn’t asking him … Continue reading

It’s Complicated…More than one year later

Early last year I drafted a personal mission statement: “I choose to live…   passionately, authentically, unapologetically.” As part of this process I sought feedback from my trusted mentor, MCF. You may recall that he wasn’t quite sure what to … Continue reading