It’s been maybe six months now since I called things off with O. We’d been hooking up fairly regularly and while I always enjoyed our rolls in the hay, there wasn’t domination occurring. In fairness I wasn’t asking him … Continue reading
Last weekend H arranged for me to hook up with a guy he found online. I’d chatted briefly with this guy months ago, but our schedules were consistently opposite so I didn’t put much energy in to getting to know … Continue reading
I had a dream. One I’ve more or less fantasized consciously too many times to count, but this time it was bliss. I was asleep and therefore, free. I was submitting to MCF. He used rope and had me suspended from the ceiling in more ways than I would’ve thought I could imagine. There was never any sexual contact in the dream, and yet somehow it was the most sexually intense experience I’ve ever not had!
He spoke very little, but when he did it was to give me exactly what I wanted most at that moment; to reassure me when I felt nervous, to take me down deeper into subspace, to light my blood on fire! I was tied and gagged, placed exactly as he wanted when he wanted. His domination was unquestionable in spite of the fact that there was no pain or punishment of any kind. He was calm, putting off waves of quiet confidence; he was not in a hurry. He knew I would give him exactly what he wanted, anything he wanted. He did not have to ask for we both knew I offered my unquestioning submission to him without reserve, the very picture of obedience.
He moved comfortably as an expert craftsman, no doubt in his mind as to his complete control. He looked incredible as always, turning fantasy into reality for me with his bare hands. Moving me from one form to another he was never rushed, never concerned. He reveled in our wholehearted power exchange, trusting in my submission. The connection itself is difficult to describe, even though I know exactly how it felt. I gave him everything I am, knowing he would take me to the greatest heights of pleasure and the deepest depths of our complementary desires. I wanted him so badly, and I was able to express this simply by relaxing my body, being pliant but still, going wherever he placed me full of gratefulness for him choosing to turn his focus on me.
I sensed this exercise in suspension was coming to an end; I was physically tired though elated, burning with desire for this man. I knew instinctively that this was the last form in which I would be suspended and fought to remain submissive as my desire peaked. I could feel him taking a long, last look to burn into his memory the sight he’d created; trying to drink deeply enough to slake his thirst long enough to release me. I was loosing my fight to remain still and pliant, so needful and nervous about what was to come. I’m naked and so wet he can surely smell my sex even though he is a ways away from me (to better take in the sights I’m sure). He remains fully clothed and I know within minutes I will be before him, no longer bound by rope but instead only by my devotion to Him.
Will he touch me? Will he reward my patience? Or will my desire go unfulfilled? Does he want me only as a plaything to enjoy the view but no more? It is as if there is a timer counting down in the room; as I feel the seconds tick by, I know I am that much closer to learning the answers to my questions. Then, nothing. A long moment of confusion before I understand what I’m hearing is my alarm. My heart sinks; I got more sensation than from any fantasy, but am left feeling so empty and unfulfilled. I spent more than a week haunted by the memory of finally submitting to him and feeling lost and alone in spite of the fact that nothing had changed. And yet, so much did change. What now?
I made it home from work only about half an hour before H had to leave for a late shift tonight. He wanted to talk about a few things, he’d been thinking this morning. First, since I’m not really clicking … Continue reading
Last weekend H invited a new guy over to play. I left picking the person completely up to H; I still don’t know the most basic things about him such as his name or age. I know he said he … Continue reading
Last weekend O was here again. I struggle to describe the freedom I experience with him – when we’re together, when he dominates me, when he doesn’t, when we’re just texting casually or flirting. Everything feels so effortless with O. … Continue reading
O came over again last weekend; I got a day and a half of serenity out of it. I’ve admitted to being high-strung before, but I’ve never truly accepted this about myself. I don’t know if I can; I don’t … Continue reading
So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading
Last week I played with BWC for the second time. It was noteworthy because H and I have never played on a work night before. It wasn’t noteworthy for any other reason, unfortunately.
There’s nothing really wrong with BWC – he is tall, ripped and hung. He isn’t shy and according to him he likes to be dominant in bed. The guy wouldn’t recognize what I consider “dominance” if it walked up to him and shook his hand 😦 I more or less was giving him a second chance as the first time we hooked up I didn’t feel any chemistry. It was okay but not really an experience worth repeating. According to him he was holding back, nervous, etc. it being the first time and all. So we talked for a number of weeks before our schedules decided to cooperate and I was pretty open about what I like and that he shouldn’t hold back.
Any guesses what the difference was this time? The idiot tried to hurt me. Succeeded, too. Not badly or anything, but he thought I was after pain. I may be a masochist, but I only get off on pain when it’s used right. BWC had no idea what he was doing. When I told him he was hurting me his response was, “I thought you wanted me to.” I wanted to be dominated, not just spread my legs for some guy who thinks he’s dominant in bed and demonstrates this by trying to cause me pain! This guy definitely isn’t what I am looking for. At. All.
I guess, maybe, he is a top? I honestly feel like even that’s a stretch though. It’s almost like he googled “domination” and make a check list:
- Spank her
- Choke her
- Pin her down
and that done, he’d accomplished his task. Seriously, that’s what it felt like to me. I was literally bored 😦
Now I just have to get together the courage to tell H I don’t want to play with BWC again. He holds zero interest for me and if H hadn’t been there watching I’m not sure I would’ve enjoyed either time at all. So yeah, no. Thanks, but I’ll pass. Here’s hoping we find someone I actually have chemistry with!
Does anyone else get tired of all the hiding? Or perhaps the question I should be asking instead: is anyone out about their BDSM lifestyle? As in, do people such as friends, family or coworkers who aren’t in the lifestyle know what you do in private? I am one of the first to admit that I value my privacy, but it’s a shockingly thin line between keeping something private because it’s nobody’s business and hiding something out of fear. In my posts Date Night (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-8w) and Second Date (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-9I), I talked about a couple we met and have enjoyed swinging with. One of the things that surprised me about them is that several of their friends who aren’t swingers know that they are involved in that lifestyle. None of our other play partners have ever told us that in the past. I have to admit I was envious that they were confident enough and secure enough in their relationships with their friends to be able to be so honest. It was partly this which encouraged me to tell a few of my friends about this blog.
There are so many misconceptions about BDSM, and one universal truth of mankind is that we fear that which we don’t understand. I wonder, if everyone in the BDSM community came out of the closet, what would happen? How much retribution would there be? Would the fight for acceptance be as long and difficult as the road for homosexuals has been? Is acceptance even worth the price we would pay? I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I’m so tired of feeling like I’m hiding who I am all day, every day. I’m tired of seeing myself as an outcast, a deviant, someone who never has been and never will be “normal”. As far as the last goes, I think that will be my next topic…so stay tuned 🙂 Does anyone else feel like their life is shallow or hollow because of hiding our kinky sides? I’m not saying I think we should preach BDSM for all, nor that we should necessarily divulge every intimate detail of our private affairs. But wouldn’t it be nice to be accepted by your friends, family and coworkers as someone who swings and/or engages in power exchanges? People don’t need to agree with our choices, but we shouldn’t have to hide such integral parts of who we are such as Dom/mes, subs, slaves, Tops, bottoms, Daddies, littles, etc.
I don’t think of such people as freaks, nor do I think there’s something wrong with them or that they need treatment. Just because someone else’s kink may not be my kink doesn’t mean I don’t respect and accept them. Is asking for acceptance really too much? I don’t know, but it sure seems to be. Perhaps I’m living my life in fear, and I will get an enormous response from people who are out and proud of their BDSM lifestyle – I hope I do. However, I don’t think that’s likely. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t been so ashamed of my submissive nature, would I have been more willing to disclose when I was being abused by E? I try not to focus not the past, but in order to learn and grow we must at times reflect on our experiences. I think safety has a great deal to do with one’s support system. Having people who care about you, accept you and are there for you no matter what is possibly the greatest asset to anyone who is vulnerable. If I hadn’t been so ashamed, maybe I would’ve been able to ask for help. Maybe other submissives would seek help when they are mistreated. I’ve never seen myself as someone who wants to change the world, however that doesn’t mean I’m willing to quietly accept our society as it is either. I want more. Do you?