“I don’t love you and I never will.” That’s what I said to J years ago, before I even met H and after I’d already cheated on J. J told me every girl he’d ever dated had cheated on him and I was certain I wouldn’t…I had never cheated! Then I did; I tried to justify it to myself by texting J after I’d slept with the guy I should’ve realized long before didn’t want me and breaking up with J, but now I think I was just being a coward. I got back together with J in like a week! I wanted to see if this other guy would finally agree to date me and keep J as a back-up plan I guess. I was so awful to J; I hate the person I used to be.
I’ve been seeing J for the past month or so. He was there to support me, without hesitation, without any expectations. He lets me talk about H’s death, or not. Let’s me cry, rage, rant, whatever. I was in a really bad place one night and he just drove all the way here and sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone. He stayed with me all night and it helped tremendously. Let’s be honest though, I was never going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with him. I talked to my therapist one day, telling her how I was leaning on J more than any of my other friends or family and how scary that was, and also that I feared it would be the end of the world if I slept with him. She assured me it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I went full speed ahead!
Juicy details first…J is still amazing in bed, no surprise! What is a surprise is how easily he was enticed into spanking me, which quickly progressed to choking me, then had me admitting how much I like belts, which he just so happens to own! J didn’t know anything about BDSM but he has good instincts; he insists on lots of clear communication and we haven’t tried anything without talking about it first. He frequently also reminds me of my hard limits just to show me that he knows what they are. We both knew he really likes sex, but neither of us knew he has a dominant streak! Looking back I’m not too surprised; there’s no question that although he’s a bit more introverted than not, he’s definitely an alfa male through and through. In fact, I think this is why I feared him in the past, because E was also an alfa male and I didn’t have any other experience with true alfas.
I’ve also never felt so comfortable being my true self. It isn’t nearly as hard to talk to J about what I want, what I fantasize about, the things that scare me and excite me and what I fear might break me. I’m able to let down wall after wall around him, both through my submission and through real, genuine communication. The trust between us has been deepening quickly as we explore BDSM and his toppy side, plus we talk constantly. Another refreshing trait of J’s is that he is very intelligent. When we talk it isn’t mundane drabble, it’s real conversation, something I’ve been mostly starved of in my recent past. Now for the down side – what is hard is that J is a reminder, a very real tie, to my ugly past.
Back then he wasn’t the right guy for me with his disregulated, constant anger. And I wasn’t the right girl with my undiagnosed, rampant PTSD. But now? Neither of us is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he has a different career altogether, is successful, has much better communication skills and manages his anger much more effectively. And as for me, I’m seeing him in a whole new light. I’m crazy about him, I love him. I don’t know if I’m *in* love with him, I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now? But I don’t doubt for a moment that I do love him. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep those three words from slipping out. He loves me and has admitted as much, we’ve both acknowledged this. Does he know that I love him too?
But it feels impossible. H has only been dead for like six weeks! How can I start a new relationship? J knows I’m pretty much trying to rebuild my life from scratch at the moment and am a bit lost as to who I even am. What I am sure of is that I want J in my life. If I was just divorced I would be happy and feel like I was moving forward with my life like I wanted, in control. Free to chose whatever is right for ME! Instead I fear the consequences of falling in love too soon, of loving too easily, of growing dependent and building my life around a man AGAIN, possibly to my own detriment, AGAIN. And as J keeps telling me, he knows the score. He is counting on me moving on. But it hurt so much. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, I want to give him everything!
J has said over and over again that he’s long ago healed and forgiven me for how terribly I treated him in the past; unfortunately, I haven’t forgiven myself. And I keep getting reminders of just how awful I was…I get confused by his behavior here and there, so I ask about it and end up with an answer like being reminded I used to feel like he was around too much and he doesn’t want to end up in that position again, so he only comes to see me when I specifically invite him. Totally fair, but oh my god it hurts to know he has to try to protect himself from me like that. It hurts even more because I know I was right back then when I said I didn’t love him and I never could – the person I was back then couldn’t have ever gotten past the fear no matter how long we’d stayed together. I want to believe I’m different now, but how can I be sure? And how much am I willing to risk?
When push comes to shove, can I be certain I won’t betray J again? And even if I could be sure, does that make any real difference? He isn’t asking for or expecting anything but right now and for me to be honest with him when I’m ready to move on. I know he will let me go instantly, no strings attached. But I don’t want him to let me go! One night he was feeling possessive, he gave me a hickey and growled ‘Mine!’ while we were having sex. God I came completely undone! I want to be his so badly. I guess it’s different every time, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so accepted as J makes me feel; I like who I am with him. Is it too late to rewrite our story?