Is it Impossible?

 

“I don’t love you and I never will.” That’s what I said to J years ago, before I even met H and after I’d already cheated on J. J told me every girl he’d ever dated had cheated on him and I was certain I wouldn’t…I had never cheated! Then I did; I tried to justify it to myself by texting J after I’d slept with the guy I should’ve realized long before didn’t want me and breaking up with J, but now I think I was just being a coward. I got back together with J in like a week! I wanted to see if this other guy would finally agree to date me and keep J as a back-up plan I guess. I was so awful to J; I hate the person I used to be.

 

I’ve been seeing J for the past month or so. He was there to support me, without hesitation, without any expectations. He lets me talk about H’s death, or not. Let’s me cry, rage, rant, whatever. I was in a really bad place one night and he just drove all the way here and sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone. He stayed with me all night and it helped tremendously. Let’s be honest though, I was never going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with him. I talked to my therapist one day, telling her how I was leaning on J more than any of my other friends or family and how scary that was, and also that I feared it would be the end of the world if I slept with him. She assured me it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I went full speed ahead!

 

Juicy details first…J is still amazing in bed, no surprise! What is a surprise is how easily he was enticed into spanking me, which quickly progressed to choking me, then had me admitting how much I like belts, which he just so happens to own! J didn’t know anything about BDSM but he has good instincts; he insists on lots of clear communication and we haven’t tried anything without talking about it first. He frequently also reminds me of my hard limits just to show me that he knows what they are. We both knew he really likes sex, but neither of us knew he has a dominant streak! Looking back I’m not too surprised; there’s no question that although he’s a bit more introverted than not, he’s definitely an alfa male through and through. In fact, I think this is why I feared him in the past, because E was also an alfa male and I didn’t have any other experience with true alfas.

 

I’ve also never felt so comfortable being my true self. It isn’t nearly as hard to talk to J about what I want, what I fantasize about, the things that scare me and excite me and what I fear might break me. I’m able to let down wall after wall around him, both through my submission and through real, genuine communication. The trust between us has been deepening quickly as we explore BDSM and his toppy side, plus we talk constantly. Another refreshing trait of J’s is that he is very intelligent. When we talk it isn’t mundane drabble, it’s real conversation, something I’ve been mostly starved of in my recent past. Now for the down side – what is hard is that J is a reminder, a very real tie, to my ugly past.

 

Back then he wasn’t the right guy for me with his disregulated, constant anger. And I wasn’t the right girl with my undiagnosed, rampant PTSD. But now? Neither of us is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he has a different career altogether, is successful, has much better communication skills and manages his anger much more effectively. And as for me, I’m seeing him in a whole new light. I’m crazy about him, I love him. I don’t know if I’m *in* love with him, I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now? But I don’t doubt for a moment that I do love him. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep those three words from slipping out. He loves me and has admitted as much, we’ve both acknowledged this. Does he know that I love him too?

 

 

But it feels impossible. H has only been dead for like six weeks! How can I start a new relationship? J knows I’m pretty much trying to rebuild my life from scratch at the moment and am a bit lost as to who I even am. What I am sure of is that I want J in my life. If I was just divorced I would be happy and feel like I was moving forward with my life like I wanted, in control. Free to chose whatever is right for ME! Instead I fear the consequences of falling in love too soon, of loving too easily, of growing dependent and building my life around a man AGAIN, possibly to my own detriment, AGAIN. And as J keeps telling me, he knows the score. He is counting on me moving on. But it hurt so much. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, I want to give him everything!

 

J has said over and over again that he’s long ago healed and forgiven me for how terribly I treated him in the past; unfortunately, I haven’t forgiven myself. And I keep getting reminders of just how awful I was…I get confused by his behavior here and there, so I ask about it and end up with an answer like being reminded I used to feel like he was around too much and he doesn’t want to end up in that position again, so he only comes to see me when I specifically invite him. Totally fair, but oh my god it hurts to know he has to try to protect himself from me like that. It hurts even more because I know I was right back then when I said I didn’t love him and I never could – the person I was back then couldn’t have ever gotten past the fear no matter how long we’d stayed together. I want to believe I’m different now, but how can I be sure? And how much am I willing to risk?

 

When push comes to shove, can I be certain I won’t betray J again? And even if I could be sure, does that make any real difference? He isn’t asking for or expecting anything but right now and for me to be honest with him when I’m ready to move on. I know he will let me go instantly, no strings attached. But I don’t want him to let me go! One night he was feeling possessive, he gave me a hickey and growled ‘Mine!’ while we were having sex. God I came completely undone! I want to be his so badly. I guess it’s different every time, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt so accepted as J makes me feel; I like who I am with him. Is it too late to rewrite our story?

 

 

 

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It’s Complicated…More than one year later

Early last year I drafted a personal mission statement: “I choose to live…   passionately, authentically, unapologetically.” As part of this process I sought feedback from my trusted mentor, MCF. You may recall that he wasn’t quite sure what to … Continue reading

You Need To Talk To Him

So here’s the thing, the biggest issue with the wife is how much she reminds me of myself and things I’ve grown to hate within myself. I’m insecure, always have been. I don’t easily believe others want me, like me, care for me. Even when I’m finally convinced of such feelings, I see them as temporary and don’t trust that they will continue. That I’m deserving. The wife has significant anxiety issues. She didn’t graduate from high school. She has chronic migraines and because of that only works part-time. At first I thought I could see us as being friends because we have a lot in common, but now I realize all of those things cause me not to want to be friends with her; not to want to even expend the energy to text or talk with her. I don’t respect her because she seems so incredibly weak no matter what the situation or topic is. I don’t want to be the one who is looked up to, I want to surround myself with people I feel have strengths I don’t, people I feel can help support my becoming more the person I want to be. As I keep saying, it all comes down to how selfish I am.

 

It’s funny, I remember when I first started dating H I was concerned that he had an entitlement problem, possibly due to his family’s relative affluence. I learned pretty quickly that although he loves shiny things and new toys, he’s a hard worker and a responsible, trustworthy man. Really taking a look at myself, it seems after all this time I’m the one with the entitlement issue, and it’s nowhere near new. When I was with V I was outraged at all of the people who tried to separate us. I didn’t care that I was closer in age to his daughter than to him; I didn’t care that he was still married. I didn’t care about anything but getting what I needed at the time, and he gave me attention, told me he loved me. That we’d be together, get married, have babies, open a martial arts school together and live happily ever after. Obviously that’s not what happened. But I honestly thought, “Who do these people think they are? Telling me I have no RIGHT to be friends with a man because he’s married!? I have EVERY right.” And that’s continued to be my motto, “I have every right.” No consideration for the consequences on other people. Completely unwilling to consider reality and the possibility that I, in fact, do not have any such right to any relationship. Relationships take work because they are a privileged, something living which needs to be maintained over time.

 

Last night H and I watched the Gilmore Girls revival and I cried straight through the last three episodes. H was surprised and trying to understand why I was so upset about a T.V. show and we ended up talking late into the night about my issues with my past and difficulty opening up to others emotionally. We talked about how much fear I still live with and how our relationship can’t continue to grow because of the fear and barriers I haven’t been able to overcome. I acknowledged that H was completely right and explained that I’ve spent this whole year trying to figure these things out, even thought I had some of my fear issues figured out, and then realized I was wrong. I’ve been lost, wanting to overcome, let go, find closure, whatever but not knowing how. H pointed out all of the unreasonable expectations of myself I was expressing and that of course I couldn’t do everything on my own and need to rely on the people I love for support.

 

As our conversation wound down and I promised H I’d work on a new approach to trying to overcome the darkness of my past, he asked something along the lines if that is all that was bothering me. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I feel very off-balance with O and that I’ve come to rely on having him as a friend I can talk to about almost anything. H asked me why I feel off-balance, if it was because of what happened Thursday or before that? I admitted that I feel this way because of what happened Thursday and H asked me why I don’t talk to O about how I’m feeling? I told H that I don’t know what to say, and again he asked, “Why?” Why, indeed. I didn’t really have an answer for that one, but did tell H that I’m not sure if I initiated what happened that night or if O did, reminded H that O was very clear about not wanting to hook up with me any more and that I don’t know if he’s upset at me, at himself, or any number of other things. Again H told me I need to talk to O and asked why can’t I just talk to O like normal? I admitted that I could, and in fact did text with him briefly on Friday about a random topic, but that didn’t help resolve my feeling off-balance with O.  H proceeded to point out that by not talking about what I’m concerned about I’m depriving myself of the opportunity to talk to O, so how is that worse than taking the chance that talking to him may result in that same outcome? Touche.

 

 

“You need to talk to him.”

“I know.”

 

When we woke up this morning H was quite ill with a cold. I immediately offered to cancel our plans with that couple and he agreed. I carefully hid my relief and proceeded to cancel on them with a 100% true reason. I thought it went reasonably well, and I even texted both of them (I rarely text the husband since admitting I’m not attracted to him) trying to smooth things over. However, this is not one of my strengths and the wife is SO incredibly insecure I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive a text from H forwarding a message the wife sent to him going on and on about how she doesn’t feel like I like her. H said he thinks we need to talk because she doesn’t understand that I’m just a more distant person than H is in how I communicate essentially. I told him I’d put some thought into that conversation, but surprisingly she just text me herself expressing the same concerns.

 

On the one hand maybe this is great, my way out. Part of the conversation H and I had last night included me explaining why carefully selecting the type of people I have in my life is so important to me and reminding him of what I look for in the people I spend time with, those I feel have strengths in areas in which I see myself as weaker. People I trust when I’m in a position that I don’t feel confident or strong in. H said that is understandable, the real issue is how I see myself. I totally see his point; however I have not expressed much impatience with how needy the wife is. I was thinking after he felt the need to forward her text to me this morning this would be a good opportunity for me to talk with him about how frustrated I feel communicating with her. But, he’s sick and unavailable until he’s off work and she just text me. I don’t want to express frustration with her before talking to him, and I certainly can’t ignore her message for 8 hours or so until I see him. So much for my golden opportunity out of this mess…

 

I guess I will try telling her something along the lines of my needing to think about this some because my communication style is obviously not working well for her and hopefully can buy enough time to talk to H. Maybe I will be able to avoid hooking up with her again after all. I feel like such an idiot. I spent hours last night talking to H, being vulnerable and talking about things which are difficult for me, confiding in him and working on possible problem-solving strategies together, and yet he still has no idea I don’t want to be involved with this couple. Admittedly I think he suspects from my behavior I’m not very invested, but he definitely isn’t aware of the extend of my apathy. All I really care about at the moment is the person I actually do want who I’m afraid to talk to in spite of this behavior not doing anyone any good.

 

O text me yesterday evening; I was able to read the message just from the preview on my phone and didn’t open it because I have ‘send read receipts’ on. It was still on my phone as an unread message earlier this morning. The ball is definitely in my court, although I kind of feel like it has been all along. Prior to my conversation with H last night I expected, at a minimum, weeks of silence between O and I. I didn’t think I would be ready to address where we stand in the foreseeable future, so like the selfish coward I am I simply expected silence. As H lead up to and allowed me to actually verbalize during last night’s conversation, it isn’t fair to shut out people who care about and have worked so hard to support me. They deserve better. So, I guess I’d better hurry up and figure out what to say to O. Today.

Not A Dom

H has been talking for a number of months now about me helping him learn to dominate me. It is exceedingly ironic how hesitant I feel about this idea, considering it was what I wanted more than anything when I began blogging two-and-a-half or so years ago. I love H, but I have slowly realized that his inclinations lie far more on the submissive side of the spectrum than on the dominant side. With O temporarily fulfilling my need to submit, I was rather fond of the idea of a new adventure with H, and still think it would likely be more fulfilling if we could both engage our submissive tendencies at the same time.

 

Ever since I got my nipples pierced, H has been thoroughly enjoying them. In spite of the fact that I did it in order to get him to agree to let me get a new tattoo (and likely at least in part encouraged by Mr. Shy Guy), he has moved from toying with the idea of getting a Prince Albert to volunteering to get it done next month. Considering his needle phobia, I consider this quite remarkable. When he brought up the possibility of doing it this past weekend, I asked why he wanted to? H told me that he likes knowing how much it would turn me on if he got it. That is absolutely true, and having now fucked a guy with a PA I definitely know I would enjoy feeling it; however, I’m now stuck with making a decision about bringing up the possibility of chastity with him.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there would certainly be a lengthy period of him not being able to have sex while he healed, so we have already talked on multiple occasions about the fact that I absolutely would not intend to give up sex as well, and preferable would already have arrangements in place with another guy before he got pierced so that I wouldn’t need H for sex. Between his cuckold and slut wife fetishes, H thoroughly enjoys these discussions. However, I’m obviously not being completely forthright here, as the idea of him getting a PA was a direct result of my interest in locking him up rather than having experienced it for the first time as he probably believes.

 

Part of why I’m finding it difficult to broach the subject of chastity with him is due to his newly developed desire to dominate me. I am under no illusion that this is motivated by anything other than his wish to please me, which I guess is the problem. Even now that I expect never to hear from O again, I find I no longer wish to submit to H. I feel as though forcing him to take a dominant role simply because he knows I want to submit is doing him a disservice. I feel as though I am, intentionally or not, manipulating him into giving up who and what he is in order to accommodate me. Naturally I find that idea distasteful as a pleaser myself. So, I think male chastity could quite possibly be more fulfilling than H learning to top me, and yet I cannot bring myself to start this discussion.

 

Until this past weekend, each time H asked if I would teach him to dominate me I simply said ‘yes’ and left it at that. Apparently realizing I was not going to take the lead, H finally asked instead, “Can I use my belt on you?” I badly wanted to say no, for a number of reasons. Ideally he would have done research and we would have talked at length before trying anything. Also, he had been drinking all day and I knew he was not sober. Although we would not be doing any heavy BDSM, I was still concerned about his control or lack thereof. However, I found I could not turn him down. I fear that, was I to explain the many reasons I don’t want him to dominate me, he would be hurt.

 

Thus I ended up allowing H to use his belt on me. He started out quite lightly, and kept asking me if it was okay, if I wanted more, if he should do it harder, etc. I responded each time, trying to be encouraging regardless of what I was communicating. However, he continuously went harder and harder, which was quickly becoming a problem. He obviously had no idea what it felt like, nor where skin is more sensitive than other places, and his control of his aim was questionable. I specifically warned him to avoid the area of my kidneys, and he did land one blow in that vicinity anyway. I finally had to tell him that he kept going harder and harder and that that was not necessary.

 

He asked me repeatedly if I liked it, and although I said ‘yes’, I don’t think that was truthful at all. Because of his lack of knowledge and experience, combined with his intoxication, I had to be careful to remain in control of what was going on. I’m not sure what exactly H expected, but whatever it was, he didn’t get it from me. He asked many more times after we stopped if I liked it and, although I said I did, perhaps he could tell I was being disingenuous. I don’t think he understood why I didn’t let go, and I didn’t try to explain it to him. He asked if it would be different in time and I said ‘practice makes perfect’. I tried to stay super positive about the whole thing as he wanted so badly to please me, but I don’t know if I could truly submit under any circumstances if I knew he was only topping me because he knew I wanted a Dom.

 

More irony…O once told me something along the lines of that he adapts what he does to each individual he is with, and that he only caused me pain because he understood how much I needed it. I was taken aback when he said this, as I honestly thought he had a sadistic streak in him. After I told him about this blog, we discussed fantasies for years both oriented around sex and BDSM. I thought he wanted to use his belt on me nearly as badly as I wanted it…I guess not. Perhaps I should see it as a blessing, now that I’ve finally run him out of my life. I want a Dom who needs submission the way I need domination; that will never be H.

 

So now I guess my problems really just boil down to having conversations with H that I’m uncomfortable with. I fear he will feel rejected if I explain the many reasons I don’t want him to top me, and I also fear his reaction to my broaching the subject of chastity with him. The bottom line is that I no longer have the trust in him I once did, when I felt I could admit any kink and it would be okay. Now these topics hold great power in our relationship, as we’ve struggled with my submissiveness, differing sexual drives and so many other things through our years together thus far.

 

On a positive note, H and I have begun to explore the possibility of fisting over the past few months. We are definitely not there yet, but working toward this goal has become a regular part of our sex life. I never found the idea of particular interest when I was younger, but knowing how much I love being stretched open I’ve recently found the idea intriguing enough to give it a go. I honestly don’t know if we will ever be totally successful in this venture, but I certainly enjoy trying! The soreness I feel for a couple of days after we partake is delicious. We certainly don’t have everything figured out in this crazy life of ours, but there are so many wonderful things mixed in with the difficult pieces 🙂