So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading

If Only I Had Enough Courage

To say this:

I figured out what’s going on and there’s no one else I can talk to about it, but I’m terrified of breaking this gift you’ve given me where you support me and advise me and protect my secrets as fiercely as I do. I’m terrified of being honest with you. Even after all this time, you are still an enigma to me.

If I asked you too personal a question, would you tell me? Or would you answer it, in spite of the fact that it’s inappropriately personal, just because you have nothing to hide? I don’t understand where the boundaries are between us. I don’t ever feel like there are any with you, but that can’t possibly be true. And yet, every single time I think I’m crossing a line you assure me that, in fact, I am not.

How did you do it, how did you change your mind set and get out of your own way when you went into management? Because my career is thriving, and I don’t know the first thing about how to thrive. All I’ve ever done is survive, surviving is the only thing I know how to do. And if I don’t learn how, my career won’t continue to thrive while I only survive. It can’t last, I get that. So please, I need your help. How do I let myself and my career thrive instead of just survive? How?

#ThingsI’llNeverSay to Mr. Casual Friday

Mr. Casual Friday vs. The Cloverleaf

I had a dream last night that really upset me. I’m not even sure where to begin explaining.

As I’ve referenced in other posts, I still have secrets from B and his wife. Admitting my history as a survivor of domestic violence to them was a big step, but there is more I need to tell them. I started with that secret because I don’t feel shame or guilt about it most of the time any more. I understand that I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. My other secrets however? I still feel culpable for both my decisions and the results. That makes it far more difficult to admit to my history of self harm and affairs with married men.

Enter my dream last night. I think my subconscious is afraid that I am going to sabotage this very new and beautiful relationship the four of us are developing. I could go in to far more detail, but the short version is Mr. Casual Friday was naked in bed with a woman while I was in the room. I tried not to watch them but failed to resist completely. He was gorgeous, all sexy and sweaty and rippling muscles. As I was building up the courage to walk out of the room he turned his full attention on me. I wanted him but he is married and I would never want to hurt B. He persisted and got some of my clothes off. I woke before we made it all the way, but I was feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed in myself both in my dream and once I was awake.

B knows about my crush on Mr. Casual Friday and teases me about it occasionally. I’ve made it clear to B that I am not looking for more partners at this point nor will I be at any time in the near future. I always imagined four, and I think my instincts were right. I think four is a good balance and is enough for me without being too much. Anyway, B has no reason to feel threatened by Mr. Casual Friday, but the alpha male in him still makes itself known occasionally in a devastatingly attractive way! So, I need to tell both B and his wife the secrets I’m still holding back. I need to know that they want me in spite of past mistakes. And I need to stop fantasizing about Mr. Casual Friday. It’s very clear to me all of a sudden that I’d far rather be fantasizing about my cloverleaf 🙂

Opening Up

Today I told B about the abuse I endured when I was 18. It was a big step with him because I know he is attracted to damaged girls and likes to feel needed. I like B and I want him, but I don’t need him. I want our relationship to be healthy for both of us (as well as our spouses!), so telling him things that make me feel vulnerable and make him feel the urge to protect me is of some concern. I think the conversation went well, he was supportive and sensitive without overreacting in any way. B had some questions based on things we’ve talked about that I could only answer with this story, and I felt like I was creating drama by hiding this secret. So, I took the plunge.

This was the first time I’ve discussed the abuse since I came to terms with some of it earlier this year. The experience was interesting; I’ve definitely let go of most of the shame and guilt that I use to feel. I am really proud of myself for no longer believing the abuse was my fault and blaming myself. I think the fact that I have a healthier understanding of what happened helped prevent issues arising when I told B. I don’t think I came off as a broken girl, I think I came off as a survivor. B is so kind and attentive I don’t know why every girl who knows him isn’t in love with him! He was very grateful that I was willing to talk to him about this aspect of my past, and I think it helped strengthen our developing relationship. Hopefully B’s reaction is a positive sign for how he will handle learning more of my secrets and my dark past, particularly the things that I do still feel shame or guilt about. At this point I believe things are going to be serious between us and I think I will tell him everything about my past. I just hope opening up and trusting him with everything ends up being a positive for us and not a negative.

That’s all for now, more to come!

Blast From the Past

I saw an old friend today. I’m not sure that’s a fair way of describing L, but it’s the best I’ve got at the moment. He’s just as charming as always. I call L my friend only because we never slept together (so, maybe he doesn’t belong on my all-about-my-sex-life blog), but he was much more than a friend in my mind at the time. I knew L before I met H. Actually, I intensely disliked L at first. Shortly after we met, he came on to me rather aggressively. At the time I was dating J, and I (as well as everyone else) knew that L was engaged. He even wore a man-gagement ring. No surprise, I was less than thrilled about him asking for a blowjob. Over time things got better between us. L has a great personality and a sense of humor to match. The dirty mind was entertaining as well later on. We became friends. L and I started spending nearly all of our time at work together talking and joking. It wasn’t long until I began to be attracted to him. He’s definitely my type: black hair, thin, angular face. I’d say he’s tall, but honestly I’m not sure. Everyone is tall compared to my 5’1 frame.

In the midst of L & I getting to know one another and becoming friends/flirting buddies, things with J were going downhill. I was torn up about the situation. I really liked J, but I wasn’t happy. I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him; I wasn’t ever going to love J. I remember one day in particular, L & I got off of work around the same time. I was sitting in my car, still in the parking lot, balling. I was distraught over going home and having to deal with J. We didn’t live together, but J had a key to my apartment and could regularly be found there regardless of whether I was home or not. L hugged me and held me; L let me cry and didn’t judge me. L asked what was wrong and listened, he reassured me that I was allowed to feel whatever I was feeling and L supported me completely. It was one of the most caring things anyone had ever done for me. Shortly after that, I finally broke up with J. After the break up, I felt relieved.

Although this post is really about L, there’s another guy I should probably mention if I’m to describe the situation fully. For maybe a year or so at that point, I’d been sleeping with N. He lived close to 50 miles away from me (one way). I slept with N the first time we met. He was, like J, everything I thought I wanted. Also, I’ve got a total red head fetish. You guessed it, N’s a read head. N wanted kids. N was a Christian, active in his church and believed strongly in God. N was a black belt. He was good in bed. N was sensitive, kind, played guitar and wrote music. He loved the outdoors and liked to stay very active. Every time I learned something new about N, it was added to my list of “the idea guy”. N is even the one who introduced me to Tai food (my favorite!). So, I reluctantly stopped sleeping with N when I started dating J. However, the entire time I was dating J I felt like I was in love with N. I wanted to marry N. I could picture myself married to him. J, not so much. But N was never willing to commit. Ironic, since we met on a dating site. Apparently it works well as a hook up site. N would not be my boyfriend. He didn’t want to go places with me or meet my family and friends. He would sometimes give in if I twisted his arm, but it was always a fight. N also worked a crazy schedule and rarely had any time for me. I would often drive about 100 miles round trip to spend 3 or 4 hours with him, in the middle of the night. Not a great situation.

Back to J. I cheated on him. I’ve never admitted it to him, but I did. I slept with N and broke up with J the next day. I’m not proud of it. I’d never before (and never since) cheated. Even worse, J had confided to me that every girlfriend he’s every had, had cheated. He figured it was his fault, that he wasn’t good enough or didn’t deserve anything more. I couldn’t compound that idea by admitting my infidelity. So, even though J and I got back together a week or so later, I admitted I’d slept with N, but swore it was only after we’d broken up. Turns out, for a guy with low self-esteem, hearing your girlfriend slept with another guy in the week you were broken up isn’t great for the self-esteem either. I went back to J mostly because I cared about him and he wanted me. Even if I did love N, he didn’t want me. I wanted to be wanted. Shocking, I know, that I didn’t end of with either of them!

L knew about N. He would hear about how long the drive was from *#%*, the town N lived in when I’d been there the night before work. L heard various other things over time as well, the specifics of which I no longer recall. So, L knew I was sleeping with N, then dating J, then sleeping with N, then dating J, then broken up with J and looking for someone new. I’m not entirely sure how, after knowing all this, L was still attracted to me, but he was. Now that I was single, I had no qualms about going after an engaged man. I’d slept with a few married guys already. One night, I was talking to my roommate A who was in quite a mood and making me laugh so hard I cried. I started recording our conversation. Big mistake. In it, the topic turned to L. I told A how I hadn’t decided yet if I should fuck L or not, or if I should make him leave his fiancee or not. As well as a number of other cocky and unsavory things. At the time, it was a big joke. I forgot all about the recording.

I had not yet met H. I convinced L to come over to my place one day, fully intending to fuck him blind. Even warned A so she could clear out if it got too loud. Yeah, I’m not quiet when the sex is good 😉 Somewhat surprisingly, L actually showed up. We got in bed, made out, he bit my neck and got me all revved up, we got some clothes off, but he didn’t fuck me. Then he checked his phone to see he had a bunch of missed calls/texts/whatever from this fiancee. L panicked. He got his clothes on so fast I nearly got whiplash just from watching. He took off shaking. That was the one and only time we were ever alone in a bedroom 😦 I admit, I’d been turned down for sex before, but only by one guy. Now that number had doubled!? Not. Cool! I was pissed at L. Why did he even show up!?

It was a while before I cooled off. Then I decided to go to another job, and was going to lose the chance to see L every day. Suddenly I couldn’t get enough of him. Making out in the back room at work, meeting outside after our shifts to make out and feel each other up. It was intense and hot, and never enough. L was my dirty little secret. Flash forward a year or so, and I’m still keeping in touch with L. H and I are engaged, and I’d never cheat on him. But L is so easy to talk to, so understanding, and he wants me. L wants to see me, wants to touch me, wants to talk to me, wants to laugh and joke with me. Emotional affair? I think I’ve spotted one..! I still can’t bring myself to delete some of the emails we sent, they are so Hot. But I stopped actually seeing him entirely. It wasn’t until after H and I were married that I saw him again, went back to where he still works because I was dying to see him. I never told L I loved him, and I’d like to say that’s because it wasn’t true. But in reality, I never said it because I didn’t believe he’d leave his then-fiancee-now-wife for me. So I kept quiet about it.

Prior to getting married, H demanded to know about every guy I’d ever slept with. I had no desire to know similar information about his past, and still don’t understand why he wanted/needed to know. Eventually H made me tell him. He still doesn’t know that I left one out. But, that’s a story for another day. Having never slept with L, there was no reason to bring him up. H had met L, and they really liked one another. H would join in on the teasing between L & myself, and they would gang up on me at times. H asked me about my feelings for L on multiple occasions, and I was careful to avoid telling H the whole truth. I swore, time and again, that L and I were only friends. Then, one fateful night, H was messing around on my phone while I was in another room and heard the recording I’d completely forgotten about. Now H was very clear that I was not only attracted to L, but I considered him a potential lover/conquest prior to meeting H. I again had to swear that L & I never slept together, but I don’t think H ever totally forgave me for lying about it. If he did forgive me, I’m certain he never forgot.

I don’t even remember any more if I ever admitted to H that L came over and that I’d made out with him; I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Yay for secrets – that always seems to work out well for me. So, all of a sudden H does not like L. H hates hearing me talk about seeing L at work, etc. etc. When I saw L today, he asked how I was and we spent about half an hour catching up. He said something about not knowing why H doesn’t like him, and regardless what’s past is past and we should let it go and move on. I thus started trying to remember why H doesn’t like L, and all I can come up with is because I lied to H about my feelings for L. Keep in mind, H doesn’t know that I was in love with L. I can only image how bad it would be if H knew the whole truth.

As usual, L wants to keep in touch. He wants to see me, talk to me, flirt with me. Considering H and I swing, doesn’t seem like that should be a big deal, right? Or maybe I’m just delusional. I’ve never mentioned to H that I want to sleep with L, even when we’re talking about fantasies or guys from my past I’d want to swing with. All in all, I feel like L really was a good friend to me. I still like him, a lot. I’d love to be friends, even if we never sleep together. That’d be fine by me. But I can’t imagine H would be okay with it. Which leaves me with the question, is it worth lying to H for? I end up asking that question every time I see or get an email from L. Here I am, years later, still asking myself, is L worth it?