The Gender Torture of a Lonely little…

…currently in a monogamous relationship with Daddy. Things aren’t going so well right now…

As I’ve talked about in my post Gender Fluidity, I struggle trying to conform to society’s expectations of females. In some things I just say ‘Fuck it’ and do as I please, such as becoming a black belt in Kung Fu and riding motorcycles. I know I’ve made a conscious choice to outwardly pass as a stereotypical hetero-normative (and hopefully attractive) woman, and I am pretty successful. So I don’t always feel I have the right to suffer as I do, essentially closeted. The thing is, the people closest to me such as my partner and my Mom do know the truth, know the details. Yet more than a year in, every so often my partner still puts his hand on my stomach and says ‘Baby!’, a joke I can assure you he was the only one laughing at when he pulled it this morning. Now, in addition to the fresh wave of physical and emotional pain over my gender identity he set off, I’m also asking myself, ‘Why are we talking about marriage and raising a family?’ If he can’t accept or respect the fact that my gender identity makes me absolutely unable to bear children, am I just wasting my time and putting off the inevitable? Dark thoughts, but I’ve been struggling so much with our relationship for the past several months already and after losing H last year I know I need and deserve more than just love holding a relationship together. 

Maybe I’m going off the deep end here, but every time he has done this I’ve made it clear that it’s not acceptable and he just isn’t listening. Now after I finally got super upset this morning he reacted with anger and avoiding me all day. I texted him and offered to go stay at my parent’s who are out of town, it’s starting to get late and he was supposed to be getting ready for hunting next week..seems like he might be avoiding coming home because I’m here so I offered to clear out. He responded indicating he doesn’t know why I’d think he doesn’t want to be around me and sure it wasn’t an optimal ending before he left ‘but that happens.’ So I guess he’s going to be headed home soon but honestly I really don’t want to talk about our relationship and the pain I’m in – the pain that’s been slowly worsening for months.   

Our relationship has been a bit of a roller coaster, starting so soon after H’s death. I still feel like I don’t deserve to be happy sometimes, even though I am absolutely certain H wanted me to be happy. As I suppose most married couples do, we occasionally talked about what we’d want if something happened to one of us (though I never could’ve guessed that would be a divorce and his immediate suicide), and I know he truly loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if I had to be without him. He even expressed this during our divorce process and I believed him. But he was 29 and killed himself THREE DAYS after I told him our divorce was final, the DAY AFTER we had a big fight because of how he acted all handsy and possessive in public when we had drinks with friends to celebrate his birthday (this behavior was extremely out of character for him and I set boundaries), and the SAME DAY that I cancelled plans for breakfast and refused to go over to his place when he texted and called me that morning. I know his death is not my fault, but I think a part of me may always feel things might have been different, he might not have died that day if I’d made different choices. Even though we were getting divorced he was still my best friend and I still loved him so much. I truly hoped we could both heal and get healthier emotionally and I truly was open to possibly getting back together some day. I had zero interest in dating or seeking out another partner and I told him this more than once. One of the things he said to me when he asked if it was okay for him to continue wearing his wedding ring was that he meant his vows and even though we were getting divorced he still meant them and I felt the same way even if I couldn’t continue to be married to him. 

But H is gone and I know I deserve to be happy, I just struggle with accepting it, particularly given my total lack of experience with the feeling. Prior to my current relationship I had very limited experience exploring my submissive side but had come to accept this is a cornerstone of my personality. I am sexually submissive with men, always have been, and I’m a masochist. I wasn’t really sure if I identified as little or not before, but as my current relationship evolved and trust deepened, partially due to our BDSM activities, I admitted first to myself and later to my partner how badly I wanted to call him Daddy, something I’d refused to do in the past when asked. The thing is, I can’t take it back. I’ve never had a Daddy before and I’m terrified of losing my Daddy. He’s always liked rough sex but didn’t have any real BDSM experience prior to my tempting him into the fold. I asked him once if he likes it when I call him Daddy, he does, and why? He said it makes him feel important to me. Gods, he has no idea just how much. Too much maybe. 

I was rear-ended back in June which resulted in a serious neck injury, I’ve been on bed rest ever since. One minute I’m working two jobs and super active, the next I can’t work at all and barely manage to care for myself. Not only did BDSM go out the door all of a sudden, so did sex! I think we’ve had sex four times since my accident. After so much time passing and no idea when I will actually be healed, I’ve really started resenting him for taking away things that are so important to me unilaterally. I got so upset that I actually decided if he isn’t willing to step up and dominate me, I don’t even want to have sex and turned him down two or three times in the past weeks. Last night I was having a better pain day and we had a date night, dinner, movie and yes, sex. I was shamefully desperate to feel wanted and loved. This morning he thanked me (again) for sex last night and said half jokingly, ‘I thought you didn’t want me or find me attractive anymore.’ It took me a moment, then I responded, ‘Back at you babe.’ Not too long ago he mentioned something about how I’d turned him down for sex multiple times and I responded, ‘Too little, too late.’ Prior to this I’ve tried to bring up how many times he has turned me down for sex since my accident and he said something like, ‘Well, your neck I needs to heal.’ As if there are no compromises available, which obviously there are since we have had sex when he wanted to after my accident. Mostly he had stopped having sex with me and would just masturbate next to me and then cum in my mouth. This is fine when we’re having sex and BDSM activities regularly, I am happy to submit in this way. But given how things have been after my accident, the last time this happened I resented him and felt used. So, the next time I said no and he came on my breasts instead. I think that’s happened about twice since I realized how upset I am with him for starving me on these fronts. I haven’t exactly been silent about my discontent, but I haven’t explained all of this in detail either. Mostly because I don’t think it will change anything. He’s made up his mind and it’s not like it would be fair to push him into doing things he isn’t comfortable with, nor could I seeing as he is the dominant one; I’m not trying to top from the bottom. 

I’m just so lonely, even when he is home. Cuddling is simply not enough to keep me feeling happy and wanted and loved. Maybe I am too needy for him. Maybe he just thinks it’s fun to be called Daddy in bed and will never want to be my Daddy all the time like I want. I can’t even bring myself to call him Daddy in bed anymore, let alone out of bed! It just requires me to be more vulnerable than I can allow with how I’ve been feeling. I don’t think he has any idea that I want even more of him than he’s already given me, and I’m not about to ask when he’s pulled away so much after my accident. We have talked about our future so much, wanting to buy a house and raise a family, about the possibility of adoption or using a surrogate, about wanting our kids to grow up rurally as we both did but needing to make sure there are private schools close enough because rural school districts have horrible ratings. It’s a beautiful picture but right now it feels like no more than a pretty dream. I felt lonely in my marriage to H and I am not willing to live the rest of my life like that, no matter how much I love and want my current partner. I have to love and want him for who he is, and that may not meet enough of my needs, which terrifies me 😥

Considering all of this emotional pain (and not even counting the physical pain of my neck injury!), feeling the agony of being reminded of the anatomical ability of my body to get pregnant was just too much. I’ve spent all day feeling nauseous and resisting the very strong urge to self harm. I feel like having sex last night was a mistake; I allowed myself to be too vulnerable. Maybe I could’ve managed to get through his ‘joke’ better if I hadn’t let him in last night and exposed my vulnerability; maybe there wouldn’t have been the joke at all if we hadn’t had sex again. I wish I knew how to put in to words how viscerally horrifying the idea of getting pregnant is to me; yet I can think of nothing which would be more beautiful than seeing the woman I love carrying my child. I love kids, I want kids. But I don’t believe I could survive pregnancy – I’ll take gender dysphoria for 100 Alex! I’ve never been formally diagnosed, mostly because I feel like I manage pretty well on this front, so my times in therapy have been focused on other matters. In spite how how deep my instinctive hatred of being stuck in a female body is, I’ve never had any desire to transition. I do believe I would be far more at peace if I was male, but I believe in reincarnation and I have worked very, very hard to figure out how to live with the body I was given without being constantly at war with it; a bit ironic considering I have autoimmune diseases so my body is literally fighting itself. I made certain when this relationship started to turn serious that I was open about my gender difficulties as well as needing BDSM. I’m not sure what I did wrong, how I ended up caught between the future we’ve been building together and my present loneliness. What do I do now?

Update & Revision

Good morning! I slept in this morning, just got up and am on my exercise bike now 🙂 Yesterday I stepped things up and added stretching in to my routine, important but ouchy and not fun. However, I felt great later in the day. I’ve never actually been one to start my day with exercise or stretching, even though I know doing both in the mornings is the most beneficial. I’m not certain how it will go once my neck heals and I’m back to working both of my jobs, but I’m hoping if I can get the habit entrenched enough now it will be easier to stick to later.

I also continued my research on anti-inflammatory and fibromyalgia friendly diets and realized I made a mistake the other day….zucchini is not a nightshade food, eggplant is. Not sure how I confused the two! But this makes me very happy as I love zucchini and almost never eat eggplant. I did have a dream that my guy made me breakfast, an egg scramble, and I was suuuuper torn about whether to just shut up and eat it or stick to my guns, apologize, and not it eat. Good news is my guy knows I’m cutting everything out right now and I don’t think that will actually happen lol.

Anyway, as I may have implied, I did exercise first thing yesterday and am doing so today as well! I hope tracking my progress with my new exercise and diet endeavors will help me to stay on track. I’ve done a good journal at least a couple of times in the past but that feels like such a big commitment, whereas this seems more manageable for me and still builds in accountability. Here’s hoping for a great weekend!

Update & New Restrictions

Okay, today is day three. Once again I started my day by getting up and doing 15 minutes on my recumbent exercise bike, which felt great. I’ll admit though, last night I fell asleep unexpectedly at 8:30pm! I’m guessing my new exercise routine combined with a big Costco trip to stock up on healthy foods (read: lots of lifting and carrying big, heavy things!) and some cleaning wore me out more than I realized. But when my alarm went off at 7:30am this morning I felt wide awake and ready to start my day! Super unusual as I am not at all a morning person and never use caffeine. Felt great!

This morning I had to drive to see my pain care specialist for trigger point injections. I’ve done this in the past to help manage my fibromyalgia pain and muscle spasms so I knew what to expect, but this time the target was focusing on my neck injury from the car accident back in June. I’m not sure if I’d just forgotten how extremely painful TPIs are or if it really was worse because we were treating something different this time, but it was pretty rough. I did get the usual near-instant intense relief, so much so that I got dizzy and light headed for a few minutes. However, by the time I drove home I was starting to hurt and my pain level has continued to rise all day. Again I knew to expect this and hope to feel great when I wake up in the morning, but getting through this evening is rough.

The other good news is I’m sticking to my diet 100% so far! However, I was reading online about potential trigger foods and realized there are some foods I love and have been eating that are in the nightshade family with potatoes and if I truly want to do everything I can to reduce inflammation and pain, I need to also cut out:

  • Tomatoes
  • Zucchini
  • Bell pepper

Sad! I’m really hoping to be able to add some of the foods I’m cutting out this month back in to my diet in the future, but I’m pretty sure I react poorly to potatoes, so although I also love these three foods it’s worth it to me, at least for now, to try cutting them out and see how I feel.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Fresh Start

Yesterday I made a decision – I’m going vegan. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past year and after being rear-ended in June I’ve been dealing with a significant neck injury. I’ve been feeling so out of control, fat, ugly and just horrible about myself. So, starting yesterday, I’m taking back control. I’m still super limited in what I can do physically because my neck is still healing but I own a recumbent exercise bike and yesterday and today, as soon as I got up I started my day with 15 minutes on it. I know from experience I have to go slow and I’m going to do this right this time.

So, two days in a row I’ve actually exercised which is SO exciting even if it is only a little. The diet is a bit more complicated as I need to respect my fibromyalgia, mixed connective tissue disease and sensitivity to sulfides. I’ve done some research and in addition to going vegan, I’m also cutting out:

  • wheat
  • potatoes
  • berries
  • any drinks other than water & alcohol

I know from previous experience that I felt much better when I cut out meat, limited dairy and avoided trigger foods like berries & grapes for about two years, so this time I’m taking it a step further and totally cutting out dairy. For years I’ve avoided tuna because of the whole mercury and heavy metals thing and I object to farm raised seafood but I do occasionally eat wild caught salmon, crab, halibut etc. For this round I haven’t made up my mind about whether or not I’m willing to include wild-caught seafood so for now that’s TBD.

Well, that’s the update for now! Here’s hoping these changes help me feel better and lose some weight over the next month or so 🙂