I’m awake right now because I’m so tied up in knots over Mr. Trouble still. I have no fucking idea at this point what my motivations are; am I trying to goad him in to reaching out? Trying to prove to myself that I can resist him this time around? Just trying to figure out if we can work together and not have him occupying my mind 24/7? Honestly I wish I knew…perhaps then I’d be less stressed out and could stop second guessing my every instinct. Why do I have to continue missing him so damn much even now that I’ve realized how entirely one sided our dalliance was? Now that I understand he won’t ever be able to find what he’s looking for if he continues to seek his fulfillment in others instead of finding what he needs within himself. There’s so much I want to say to him now, yet the last time I saw him I didn’t feel there was anything at all to say…was that my mistake? Would things be different now or even have been different then if I had tried to really talk with him? What right do I have to push him though? We never were friends and he made his boundaries loud and clear…I guess that’s partly why I still have so many questions.
It’s been three weeks now since the last time he reached out. Does that mean he really has accepted that it’s over? He doesn’t see me continuing to work for the organization as mixed signals? I went by the office late in the afternoon today to pick up some materials, but that was really just an excuse as I’d called the office earlier this week and mentioned I’m frequently in the area so if it occurred to the office gal to let me know, I could pick my stuff up and save the postage. I didn’t pick the day or even really the time, just went as soon as I could once she called and let me know everything was ready. I’m still not sure if I was hoping Mr. Trouble would be working from home/already gone for the day or if I was hoping he’d be in the office. As it turns out he definitely *was* in the office, but I didn’t see him. He’d have had a fair amount of warning I was there as I rode my motorcycle (she’s quite loud!) and parked closest to the unlocked door which is right in front of the window to his office. I knew he was there even before I made it inside as I saw his motorcycle parked outside. Even so, he either hid in his office, was legitimately in a meeting (though I doubt that so late on a Friday afternoon) or was hiding in some other part of the office if my showing up caught him off guard and in another area. Wherever he was, as I said, I didn’t see him. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was listening to our conversation as I picked up my stuff and the office gal said something about me being able to teach a lot of classes this year. I responded with something along the lines of, ‘who knows!? Maybe…’ refusing to verbally commit to teaching in spite of the fact that I’ve already accepted three classes. I keep telling myself I could still quit and they would just have to reassign my classes but apparently my powers of self delusion have already been stretched too thin as I am not even slightly inclined to believe this is a realistic possibility; something catastrophic would have to occur for me to walk out on classes I’d committed to teaching, that’s just who I am. Integrity in spades as long as it has nothing to do with my personal life…so ridiculous!
I miss riding with him so badly that for weeks I actually was glad my bike was ripped apart and in the middle of a bunch of aftermarket upgrades as that gave me an excuse for not riding. I enjoy how much I get to smile and laugh when I’m around him, talking to or texting with him, not to mention when I got to touch him and feel my whole world turn instantly into the most addicting crescendo of passion and pleasure and nothing existed but the two of us. I miss seeing the stars lighting up his eyes when he looks at me; it would be so easy for me to chase those stars into oblivion.
On Mr. Trustworthy’s advice I drafted an email, in theory to send if Mr. Trouble reaches out to me again:
Hey Mr. Trouble,
I know I’ve sent you mixed signals so I am emailing to be absolutely clear for once. I’ve changed my mind about leaving the organization but I haven’t changed my mind about things between us. You can NOT use my employment as an excuse to contact me and I will also refrain; we both know little to no contact is necessary between instructors and the Training Manager.
I’m sorry you’re going through something but I can’t be your escape. Recently someone I trust asked if I’d want to be with you if you were single, and it’s not like I’d never asked myself the same question, but the truth is I have no way of knowing. I care about you and I’ve never wanted you to feel rejected, but I know so little about you. That’s okay as our intention was to have casual fun and I never wanted to push for more than you were comfortable sharing with me. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I need you to understand that things between us were never real, it was only a fantasy. I wish we’d been able to find real friendship but we weren’t. I never told you this, but being with someone who is cheating makes me hate myself.
I have someone who loves me and can meet my needs without my having to live feeling constantly guilty and angry at myself. I hope you understand why we have to let go and avoid repeating the mistakes we never could prevent when in touch. Please don’t text or call me and DO NOT ever come back to the house. I trust you to be professional if we need to interact regarding work and I won’t go out of my way to avoid you; I’d also appreciate still being considered for other opportunities as you know I love teaching and am interested in doing as much as I can for the organization. That said, you need to lose my number in the meantime and please don’t do anything to force me to file a complaint. We both know that would end your career and your marriage.
Take care and I’m sure I’ll see you around.
Once again I can’t help but question my motives as, after drafting the first version of the above email, I sent it to Mr. Trustworthy to review and share any suggestions. This legitimately helped as initially I was far more indirect and at this point I do believe directness is necessary. I’ve wondered more than once if I actually wrote this letter for Mr. Trustworthy knowing he would read it for certain and not at all sure if Mr. Trouble would ever see it; thankfully that’s one question I actually do know the answer to, and it is a definite ‘no’. This was my chance to say some of the many things that need to be said between myself and Mr. Trouble, and doing it in writing and without being impaired by the spell actually talking to him always puts me under I can organize my thoughts and be direct and somewhat concise while still saying the things I want/need him to know. I’m just lucky enough to not be hiding things from Mr. Trustworthy any longer so it was okay for him to read something so personal I suppose. That being said I did mention that Mr. Trustworthy might want to skip reading this post, that he already knows the broad strokes and certainly wouldn’t enjoy reading more detail but that it was up to him – no idea what he will decide. Just have to get some of this shit off my chest so someday I get to feel like I can breath again hopefully!
I’m really trying to not let myself stew in misery but I just can’t stay away from my Mr. Trouble playlist. It’s pretty big with songs matching the highest of highs and the lowest of lows I’ve experienced on this roller coaster between the two of us…in fact, he is so off in the head he seems to find listening to my horrible, totally tone deaf singing voice somehow appealing…I know for a fact he at times activated the intercoms while we were riding together just wanting to listen to me singing to myself. Maybe he just realized I only sing like that when I’m happy, I’m not sure. As with pretty much everything, when it comes to Mr. Trouble all I’ve got are guesses; it’s actually a bit shocking to realize how much I’ve come to resent his extreme recalcitrance…