January 22, 2022

I’m awake right now because I’m so tied up in knots over Mr. Trouble still. I have no fucking idea at this point what my motivations are; am I trying to goad him in to reaching out? Trying to prove to myself that I can resist him this time around? Just trying to figure out if we can work together and not have him occupying my mind 24/7? Honestly I wish I knew…perhaps then I’d be less stressed out and could stop second guessing my every instinct. Why do I have to continue missing him so damn much even now that I’ve realized how entirely one sided our dalliance was? Now that I understand he won’t ever be able to find what he’s looking for if he continues to seek his fulfillment in others instead of finding what he needs within himself. There’s so much I want to say to him now, yet the last time I saw him I didn’t feel there was anything at all to say…was that my mistake? Would things be different now or even have been different then if I had tried to really talk with him? What right do I have to push him though? We never were friends and he made his boundaries loud and clear…I guess that’s partly why I still have so many questions.

It’s been three weeks now since the last time he reached out. Does that mean he really has accepted that it’s over? He doesn’t see me continuing to work for the organization as mixed signals? I went by the office late in the afternoon today to pick up some materials, but that was really just an excuse as I’d called the office earlier this week and mentioned I’m frequently in the area so if it occurred to the office gal to let me know, I could pick my stuff up and save the postage. I didn’t pick the day or even really the time, just went as soon as I could once she called and let me know everything was ready. I’m still not sure if I was hoping Mr. Trouble would be working from home/already gone for the day or if I was hoping he’d be in the office. As it turns out he definitely *was* in the office, but I didn’t see him. He’d have had a fair amount of warning I was there as I rode my motorcycle (she’s quite loud!) and parked closest to the unlocked door which is right in front of the window to his office. I knew he was there even before I made it inside as I saw his motorcycle parked outside. Even so, he either hid in his office, was legitimately in a meeting (though I doubt that so late on a Friday afternoon) or was hiding in some other part of the office if my showing up caught him off guard and in another area. Wherever he was, as I said, I didn’t see him. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was listening to our conversation as I picked up my stuff and the office gal said something about me being able to teach a lot of classes this year. I responded with something along the lines of, ‘who knows!? Maybe…’ refusing to verbally commit to teaching in spite of the fact that I’ve already accepted three classes. I keep telling myself I could still quit and they would just have to reassign my classes but apparently my powers of self delusion have already been stretched too thin as I am not even slightly inclined to believe this is a realistic possibility; something catastrophic would have to occur for me to walk out on classes I’d committed to teaching, that’s just who I am. Integrity in spades as long as it has nothing to do with my personal life…so ridiculous!

I miss riding with him so badly that for weeks I actually was glad my bike was ripped apart and in the middle of a bunch of aftermarket upgrades as that gave me an excuse for not riding. I enjoy how much I get to smile and laugh when I’m around him, talking to or texting with him, not to mention when I got to touch him and feel my whole world turn instantly into the most addicting crescendo of passion and pleasure and nothing existed but the two of us. I miss seeing the stars lighting up his eyes when he looks at me; it would be so easy for me to chase those stars into oblivion.

On Mr. Trustworthy’s advice I drafted an email, in theory to send if Mr. Trouble reaches out to me again:

Hey Mr. Trouble,

I know I’ve sent you mixed signals so I am emailing to be absolutely clear for once. I’ve changed my mind about leaving the organization but I haven’t changed my mind about things between us. You can NOT use my employment as an excuse to contact me and I will also refrain; we both know little to no contact is necessary between instructors and the Training Manager.

I’m sorry you’re going through something but I can’t be your escape. Recently someone I trust asked if I’d want to be with you if you were single, and it’s not like I’d never asked myself the same question, but the truth is I have no way of knowing. I care about you and I’ve never wanted you to feel rejected, but I know so little about you. That’s okay as our intention was to have casual fun and I never wanted to push for more than you were comfortable sharing with me. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I need you to understand that things between us were never real, it was only a fantasy. I wish we’d been able to find real friendship but we weren’t. I never told you this, but being with someone who is cheating makes me hate myself.

I have someone who loves me and can meet my needs without my having to live feeling constantly guilty and angry at myself. I hope you understand why we have to let go and avoid repeating the mistakes we never could prevent when in touch. Please don’t text or call me and DO NOT ever come back to the house. I trust you to be professional if we need to interact regarding work and I won’t go out of my way to avoid you; I’d also appreciate still being considered for other opportunities as you know I love teaching and am interested in doing as much as I can for the organization. That said, you need to lose my number in the meantime and please don’t do anything to force me to file a complaint. We both know that would end your career and your marriage.

Take care and I’m sure I’ll see you around.

LG

Once again I can’t help but question my motives as, after drafting the first version of the above email, I sent it to Mr. Trustworthy to review and share any suggestions. This legitimately helped as initially I was far more indirect and at this point I do believe directness is necessary. I’ve wondered more than once if I actually wrote this letter for Mr. Trustworthy knowing he would read it for certain and not at all sure if Mr. Trouble would ever see it; thankfully that’s one question I actually do know the answer to, and it is a definite ‘no’. This was my chance to say some of the many things that need to be said between myself and Mr. Trouble, and doing it in writing and without being impaired by the spell actually talking to him always puts me under I can organize my thoughts and be direct and somewhat concise while still saying the things I want/need him to know. I’m just lucky enough to not be hiding things from Mr. Trustworthy any longer so it was okay for him to read something so personal I suppose. That being said I did mention that Mr. Trustworthy might want to skip reading this post, that he already knows the broad strokes and certainly wouldn’t enjoy reading more detail but that it was up to him – no idea what he will decide. Just have to get some of this shit off my chest so someday I get to feel like I can breath again hopefully!

I’m really trying to not let myself stew in misery but I just can’t stay away from my Mr. Trouble playlist. It’s pretty big with songs matching the highest of highs and the lowest of lows I’ve experienced on this roller coaster between the two of us…in fact, he is so off in the head he seems to find listening to my horrible, totally tone deaf singing voice somehow appealing…I know for a fact he at times activated the intercoms while we were riding together just wanting to listen to me singing to myself. Maybe he just realized I only sing like that when I’m happy, I’m not sure. As with pretty much everything, when it comes to Mr. Trouble all I’ve got are guesses; it’s actually a bit shocking to realize how much I’ve come to resent his extreme recalcitrance…

March 20, 2021 – Yeah, I Came Looking For TROUBLE

On March 20th I sent Mr. Trouble a text. I’d had my spinal surgery in January and was living with my godparents for a couple months because I was not yet able to drive and needed to get to physical therapy, 10 minutes from their house, multiple times a week. I was also going through narcotic withdrawals, an experience I NEVER care to repeat! Even though I was not addicted, I was physically dependent and had been on such high doses of Morphine & Dilaudid that the process of weaning off the drugs was much longer than I’d ever imagined. Thankfully I was about to, finally, be weaned completely off; however, I continued to struggle physically and emotionally even after getting off the narcotics. I felt incredibly isolated, lonely and was extremely emotionally unstable. What’s crazy to me now is the realization that Mr. Trouble first responded on Sunday the 21st and, within mere DAYS, had already invited me to go out of town with him the following weekend. Meaning, had I agreed, we’d have left on Friday the 26th! I was such a fool, the fact that such a trip would include staying overnight out of town never even occurred to me. Mr. Trouble and I had been talking about how much he was riding his bike, including his daily commute to work. I missed being on two wheels more than I can describe and he offered to take me with him on his motorcycle. I was beyond tempted, but thankfully already had plans with Mr. Trustworthy to attend a new instructor training that weekend – he offered to let me ride with him (in his truck) as he was going to be assisting with the training. I was excited and looking forward to going, plus I wouldn’t really have an excuse for cancelling and was not willing to lie to Mr. Trustworthy. I responded with my regrets to Mr. Trouble – however, this was certainly not the last such invite!

December 1, 2018 – The Beginning

I vividly remember the first time Mr. Trouble and I met. I was still in training as a new instructor and all I needed to get signed off and certified was for this weekend to go well and for me to meet all of the standards set out. It was 7am on Saturday, December 1st – just a couple days shy of the six month anniversary of H’s suicide. It was also the last weekend of the training season before we shut down for the winter for three months; so, if I failed to meet all of the standards and get signed off, I’d have to begin the 2019 season still in training. Mr. Trouble and I started getting motorcycles out of the shed and setting up for class; like most instructors, he loves to ride. So, he quickly began playing around on a training bike and blew my mind with how skilled he was; his ‘playing around’ would’ve been *anyone* else’s showing off – such a turn on!..and the hits just kept on coming. Once we began our class it was almost as if we were reading one another’s mind; we had this incredibly powerful, instantaneous chemistry which grew stronger with each perfectly choreographed move we made. Sure enough, after the weekend was over and we debriefed the class, he checked me off as having met all of the necessary standards so I was finally completely signed off and certified, no longer in training! He gave me extremely positive feedback and even brought up again in 2021 when speaking with another instructor (in front of me!) the fact that I am a natural. Although I can’t recall who initiated it, we hugged at the end of that first weekend. I’d gotten my nipples pierced back in 2016 as a trade with H for being allowed to get a new tattoo and at that time still had them. Wearing a sports bra and our uniform shirt did nothing to conceal this fact and although I don’t recall exactly how it started, I do remember Mr. Trouble and I began texting and my pierced nipples were the jumping off point, which quickly deteriorated to sexting.

December 2018 was also the first full month of J and I living together, and my last monogamous relationship was actually when J and I dated back in 2010 before I met H. In the intervening years I was a victim of abuse which progressed in severity as time passed and H’s mental illness became more and more consuming. At the end of 2018 I was working incredibly hard trying to put myself back together and create a life, a future, all over again. I hadn’t yet fully accepted the ugly truths about how abusive and controlling H had actually become, particularly the extent of sexual abuse he inflicted by coercing and manipulating me in to having sex with people with whom I did not want to be intimate. I can’t be entirely certain if it was simply the result of desensitization due to H’s conditioning, my relative inexperience with monogamous relationships, the lack of real life, functioning, healthy relationship examples in my world or a combination of any/all of these factors; however, it truly never occurred to me that I was doing anything wrong sexting with Mr. Trouble literally every day. It sounds so unimaginably absurd now, but I was hurting and damaged and maybe the familiarity of sexting with some guy I barely knew was on some level providing an emotional crutch as I fought to cope with my new reality.

Mr. Trouble is funny, deeply passionate and caring. However, I had another motivation for seeking continuing contact with him; I absolutely LOVE teaching motorcycle classes and over the weekend he’d shared enough about himself and his past to make me aware of the fact that being friends with him would likely open up more opportunities for me within the organization in the future. He started teaching with this organization 20 years ago, is well liked and according to Mr. Trustworthy, had been campaigning to be promoted for years, so no one was surprised when he was in fact promoted earlier this year. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. When we met Mr. Trouble was in a relationship but not married; I knew this because he invited me to lunch after class Saturday, mentioning he was meeting his son and other half or something to that effect. I wanted to accept but I’d ridden my motorcycle to class and between the drive home and how tired I was from teaching I thought I needed to get home and rest up for the following day.

Looking back, the timing is fuzzy; however, sometime in the following weeks J went through my text messages while I was in the other room. He was extremely upset and immediately confronted me about sexting with Mr. Trouble and alleged that Mr. Trouble was ‘grooming’ me. As if I wouldn’t have been upset enough about him going through my phone, I totally lost it at the implications of J’s use of the word grooming. Apparently I was upset enough to scare him in to letting the sexting issue go as, after I’d left the bedroom and moved to the couch in an effort to calm down, J came out and begged me not to break up with him. I told him truthfully that I was far too upset to be making such a big decision; by the next day I had already decided to continue the relationship. However, I did not stop talking to Mr. Trouble at that point. I definitely cut back, but I spent a lot of time alone due to J’s long hours for his job and an extremely long commute. So, Mr. Trouble and I continued to text regularly for months. Then I heard through the grapevine that he’d gotten MARRIED a few months prior; a fact Mr. Trouble had certainly not mentioned or even referenced. There was no longer any way I could pretend that we were friends or that it was okay for me to stay in touch while I was still with J who, understandably, hated Mr. Trouble. So, I ghosted him. I didn’t bother to confront him, I just discarded him. I knew it was what was best for my relationship and as ironic as this will probably sound, I felt I couldn’t trust Mr. Trouble. In my mind, there was only one possible reason he failed to mention getting MARRIED considering how frequently we were in contact, which was of course because he was hoping things between us would get physical. I had zero intent of that EVER happening; I wasn’t even *tempted*. So, having determined that was his sole reason for texting with me and concluding he was obviously someone with zero personal integrity made it pretty easy to turn my back and walk away without a word.

Once a year, the organization holds an award banquet and encourages all instructors to attend. In 2018 Mr. Trustworthy was very excited to introduce me to a ton of other instructors and saved seats for myself and my plus one, J, at his table; Mr. Trouble and his wife were already seated when we all returned to the table at the start of the banquet. Thankfully J kept his cool and the evening passed uneventfully, but I was stressed the whole time. Stressed and rather forcefully attracted to Mr. Trouble’s wife. FML! Thankfully, after surviving to the end of a very lengthy evening, J and I went home and I didn’t see Mr. Trouble again until the banquet in November of 2019. My spinal injury had occurred in June of ’19 and I was still desperately trying to get answers about the debilitating pain I was experiencing. However, I’d been extremely upset about missing out on teaching and riding since my injury, so J and I once again attended. This time we snuck in just as it began and sat at a table in the very back of the room. I wouldn’t have spoken to Mr. Trouble at all had the finale of the banquet, awarding instructor of the year (a HUGE honor), not been his name spoken to thunderous applause. I was genuinely happy for him and knew he deserved it without a doubt so, before we left, I told J I was going to congratulate Mr. Trouble real quick. I sought out Mr. Trouble and waited for him to be free from the many people offering the same. As people left he’d ended up near the back of the room and without his wife. I shyly congratulated him; I’d be amazed if more than a handful of sentences were exchanged before I turned tail and ran. I had no desire to push my luck with J but I badly wanted to recognize his achievement. Maybe it was the narcotics I was on, but at the time it never occurred to me that I wasn’t feeling any of the resentment or other negative feelings I previously harbored toward Mr. Trouble. Even so, we maintained radio silence for more than a year longer…