I found out what caused all of my health issues that seemed at the time to have come out of nowhere. Apparently a great deal of research shows there is an extremely high incidence rate of chronic migraines, autoimmune diseases … Continue reading
B and I worked together for months after the break up. At first he said he still wanted to be friends, “I fucking love you” he insists minutes before we explicitly decided to stop talking – “Goodbye. I only ask … Continue reading
I wonder, is my pervasive selfishness simply derived from my extensive cowardice? I’m too afraid to take risks or do anything which could affect me deeply. Even in my marriage a cycle exists of me opening up to H, … Continue reading
H has been talking for a number of months now about me helping him learn to dominate me. It is exceedingly ironic how hesitant I feel about this idea, considering it was what I wanted more than anything when I began blogging two-and-a-half or so years ago. I love H, but I have slowly realized that his inclinations lie far more on the submissive side of the spectrum than on the dominant side. With O temporarily fulfilling my need to submit, I was rather fond of the idea of a new adventure with H, and still think it would likely be more fulfilling if we could both engage our submissive tendencies at the same time.
Ever since I got my nipples pierced, H has been thoroughly enjoying them. In spite of the fact that I did it in order to get him to agree to let me get a new tattoo (and likely at least in part encouraged by Mr. Shy Guy), he has moved from toying with the idea of getting a Prince Albert to volunteering to get it done next month. Considering his needle phobia, I consider this quite remarkable. When he brought up the possibility of doing it this past weekend, I asked why he wanted to? H told me that he likes knowing how much it would turn me on if he got it. That is absolutely true, and having now fucked a guy with a PA I definitely know I would enjoy feeling it; however, I’m now stuck with making a decision about bringing up the possibility of chastity with him.
Don’t get me wrong, there would certainly be a lengthy period of him not being able to have sex while he healed, so we have already talked on multiple occasions about the fact that I absolutely would not intend to give up sex as well, and preferable would already have arrangements in place with another guy before he got pierced so that I wouldn’t need H for sex. Between his cuckold and slut wife fetishes, H thoroughly enjoys these discussions. However, I’m obviously not being completely forthright here, as the idea of him getting a PA was a direct result of my interest in locking him up rather than having experienced it for the first time as he probably believes.
Part of why I’m finding it difficult to broach the subject of chastity with him is due to his newly developed desire to dominate me. I am under no illusion that this is motivated by anything other than his wish to please me, which I guess is the problem. Even now that I expect never to hear from O again, I find I no longer wish to submit to H. I feel as though forcing him to take a dominant role simply because he knows I want to submit is doing him a disservice. I feel as though I am, intentionally or not, manipulating him into giving up who and what he is in order to accommodate me. Naturally I find that idea distasteful as a pleaser myself. So, I think male chastity could quite possibly be more fulfilling than H learning to top me, and yet I cannot bring myself to start this discussion.
Until this past weekend, each time H asked if I would teach him to dominate me I simply said ‘yes’ and left it at that. Apparently realizing I was not going to take the lead, H finally asked instead, “Can I use my belt on you?” I badly wanted to say no, for a number of reasons. Ideally he would have done research and we would have talked at length before trying anything. Also, he had been drinking all day and I knew he was not sober. Although we would not be doing any heavy BDSM, I was still concerned about his control or lack thereof. However, I found I could not turn him down. I fear that, was I to explain the many reasons I don’t want him to dominate me, he would be hurt.
Thus I ended up allowing H to use his belt on me. He started out quite lightly, and kept asking me if it was okay, if I wanted more, if he should do it harder, etc. I responded each time, trying to be encouraging regardless of what I was communicating. However, he continuously went harder and harder, which was quickly becoming a problem. He obviously had no idea what it felt like, nor where skin is more sensitive than other places, and his control of his aim was questionable. I specifically warned him to avoid the area of my kidneys, and he did land one blow in that vicinity anyway. I finally had to tell him that he kept going harder and harder and that that was not necessary.
He asked me repeatedly if I liked it, and although I said ‘yes’, I don’t think that was truthful at all. Because of his lack of knowledge and experience, combined with his intoxication, I had to be careful to remain in control of what was going on. I’m not sure what exactly H expected, but whatever it was, he didn’t get it from me. He asked many more times after we stopped if I liked it and, although I said I did, perhaps he could tell I was being disingenuous. I don’t think he understood why I didn’t let go, and I didn’t try to explain it to him. He asked if it would be different in time and I said ‘practice makes perfect’. I tried to stay super positive about the whole thing as he wanted so badly to please me, but I don’t know if I could truly submit under any circumstances if I knew he was only topping me because he knew I wanted a Dom.
More irony…O once told me something along the lines of that he adapts what he does to each individual he is with, and that he only caused me pain because he understood how much I needed it. I was taken aback when he said this, as I honestly thought he had a sadistic streak in him. After I told him about this blog, we discussed fantasies for years both oriented around sex and BDSM. I thought he wanted to use his belt on me nearly as badly as I wanted it…I guess not. Perhaps I should see it as a blessing, now that I’ve finally run him out of my life. I want a Dom who needs submission the way I need domination; that will never be H.
So now I guess my problems really just boil down to having conversations with H that I’m uncomfortable with. I fear he will feel rejected if I explain the many reasons I don’t want him to top me, and I also fear his reaction to my broaching the subject of chastity with him. The bottom line is that I no longer have the trust in him I once did, when I felt I could admit any kink and it would be okay. Now these topics hold great power in our relationship, as we’ve struggled with my submissiveness, differing sexual drives and so many other things through our years together thus far.
On a positive note, H and I have begun to explore the possibility of fisting over the past few months. We are definitely not there yet, but working toward this goal has become a regular part of our sex life. I never found the idea of particular interest when I was younger, but knowing how much I love being stretched open I’ve recently found the idea intriguing enough to give it a go. I honestly don’t know if we will ever be totally successful in this venture, but I certainly enjoy trying! The soreness I feel for a couple of days after we partake is delicious. We certainly don’t have everything figured out in this crazy life of ours, but there are so many wonderful things mixed in with the difficult pieces 🙂
Last week H and I continued a conversation which we’ve had in pieces a couple of times since the cloverleaf‘s dissolution. Unfortunately, I failed to communicate clearly in the past and was under the mistaken impression that we were on the … Continue reading
While driving to work this morning, Fight Song came up on my playlist and I was struck yet again by another unwelcome insight regarding my relationship with my mentor MCF. Yesterday I had the opportunity to see MCF briefly … Continue reading
O came over again last weekend; I got a day and a half of serenity out of it. I’ve admitted to being high-strung before, but I’ve never truly accepted this about myself. I don’t know if I can; I don’t … Continue reading
So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading
I’m in pain. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I did something stupid on Friday. So much for impulse control being a good thing! I gave MCF a box of chocolates, left them on his desk while he was in a meeting. I bought them and brought them to work to eat, then I decided not to since I’m allergic to chocolate. I’ve occasionally left small things for MCF over the past year or so. Sometimes a muffin or doughnut, a soda, etc. It didn’t occur to me until far too late that chocolates are what you give a romantic interest. Now, what are the chances that my investigator-turned manager mentor whom I just so happen to have a crush on has failed to notice over the past year and a half plus that I can’t speak to him without blushing!? I may be in deep shit here with my mentor 😦
I had an appointment with a new pain care specialist to get a second opinion today. It did not go well. I wanted to die after she told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m in my 20’s living in agony and she tells me I just need to learn a few exercises at physical therapy and I’ll be fine!? As if the two rounds of a year plus I’ve spent in physical therapy meant nothing. I spent all day wanting to hurt myself, thinking about hurting myself. Was seriously tempted to take the box cutter at my desk to myself just for a second of relief. I didn’t, but I still might. You know, at home. Not at work where it could end my career if I got caught. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who understands that? Someone I could trust to give me pain when I need it and take care of me so I never had to hurt myself or think about hurting myself? I wonder if I’ll ever know. I doubt it.
I finally told H last night that I don’t want to play with BWC any more, that there’s no chemistry. I told BWC tonight and he freaked the fuck out. Then H spent hours messaging him pretending to be me cuz H was worried if I was honest BWC would harm us in some way as he has pictures of both of us apparently. So H told me what to say. Fuck my life. I can’t even be myself with random hookups and tell them to go away or ignore them without the risk of being blackmailed!? I am so done. I haven’t eaten a bite today, I threw up twice after my doctor’s appointment at work and my stomach has been in knots ever since. I never did get a dose of pain in any helpful form. And now somehow I have to pull my shit together to work all day again tomorrow. I literally cried for an hour and a half at work after my appointment this morning. Luckily the bosses were in a two hour meeting and missed all of it, but still. It was fucking embarrassing. I do not want to be that person, ever. God, the more I think about any part of this day the more I want to be dead.
I have no idea where I found the courage, but somehow, miraculously, I did. I talked to him yesterday. Not in the exact words from If Only I Had Enough Courage, but I admitted to the fear, the reason I’m … Continue reading