I wonder, is my pervasive selfishness simply derived from my extensive cowardice? I’m too afraid to take risks or do anything which could affect me deeply. Even in my marriage a cycle exists of me opening up to H, … Continue reading
Do you ever tell yourself something over and over again, something you so badly want to be true, that you start to believe it? I honestly thought on some level that I had accepted my submissiveness. After last night however, … Continue reading
It’s building up, getting worse. I can feel my control slipping and I know it won’t be long now until the storm breaks free. H is learning to sense it too, starting to understand what the signs mean. He … Continue reading
I saw an old friend today. I’m not sure that’s a fair way of describing L, but it’s the best I’ve got at the moment. He’s just as charming as always. I call L my friend only because we never slept together (so, maybe he doesn’t belong on my all-about-my-sex-life blog), but he was much more than a friend in my mind at the time. I knew L before I met H. Actually, I intensely disliked L at first. Shortly after we met, he came on to me rather aggressively. At the time I was dating J, and I (as well as everyone else) knew that L was engaged. He even wore a man-gagement ring. No surprise, I was less than thrilled about him asking for a blowjob. Over time things got better between us. L has a great personality and a sense of humor to match. The dirty mind was entertaining as well later on. We became friends. L and I started spending nearly all of our time at work together talking and joking. It wasn’t long until I began to be attracted to him. He’s definitely my type: black hair, thin, angular face. I’d say he’s tall, but honestly I’m not sure. Everyone is tall compared to my 5’1 frame.
In the midst of L & I getting to know one another and becoming friends/flirting buddies, things with J were going downhill. I was torn up about the situation. I really liked J, but I wasn’t happy. I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him; I wasn’t ever going to love J. I remember one day in particular, L & I got off of work around the same time. I was sitting in my car, still in the parking lot, balling. I was distraught over going home and having to deal with J. We didn’t live together, but J had a key to my apartment and could regularly be found there regardless of whether I was home or not. L hugged me and held me; L let me cry and didn’t judge me. L asked what was wrong and listened, he reassured me that I was allowed to feel whatever I was feeling and L supported me completely. It was one of the most caring things anyone had ever done for me. Shortly after that, I finally broke up with J. After the break up, I felt relieved.
Although this post is really about L, there’s another guy I should probably mention if I’m to describe the situation fully. For maybe a year or so at that point, I’d been sleeping with N. He lived close to 50 miles away from me (one way). I slept with N the first time we met. He was, like J, everything I thought I wanted. Also, I’ve got a total red head fetish. You guessed it, N’s a read head. N wanted kids. N was a Christian, active in his church and believed strongly in God. N was a black belt. He was good in bed. N was sensitive, kind, played guitar and wrote music. He loved the outdoors and liked to stay very active. Every time I learned something new about N, it was added to my list of “the idea guy”. N is even the one who introduced me to Tai food (my favorite!). So, I reluctantly stopped sleeping with N when I started dating J. However, the entire time I was dating J I felt like I was in love with N. I wanted to marry N. I could picture myself married to him. J, not so much. But N was never willing to commit. Ironic, since we met on a dating site. Apparently it works well as a hook up site. N would not be my boyfriend. He didn’t want to go places with me or meet my family and friends. He would sometimes give in if I twisted his arm, but it was always a fight. N also worked a crazy schedule and rarely had any time for me. I would often drive about 100 miles round trip to spend 3 or 4 hours with him, in the middle of the night. Not a great situation.
Back to J. I cheated on him. I’ve never admitted it to him, but I did. I slept with N and broke up with J the next day. I’m not proud of it. I’d never before (and never since) cheated. Even worse, J had confided to me that every girlfriend he’s every had, had cheated. He figured it was his fault, that he wasn’t good enough or didn’t deserve anything more. I couldn’t compound that idea by admitting my infidelity. So, even though J and I got back together a week or so later, I admitted I’d slept with N, but swore it was only after we’d broken up. Turns out, for a guy with low self-esteem, hearing your girlfriend slept with another guy in the week you were broken up isn’t great for the self-esteem either. I went back to J mostly because I cared about him and he wanted me. Even if I did love N, he didn’t want me. I wanted to be wanted. Shocking, I know, that I didn’t end of with either of them!
L knew about N. He would hear about how long the drive was from *#%*, the town N lived in when I’d been there the night before work. L heard various other things over time as well, the specifics of which I no longer recall. So, L knew I was sleeping with N, then dating J, then sleeping with N, then dating J, then broken up with J and looking for someone new. I’m not entirely sure how, after knowing all this, L was still attracted to me, but he was. Now that I was single, I had no qualms about going after an engaged man. I’d slept with a few married guys already. One night, I was talking to my roommate A who was in quite a mood and making me laugh so hard I cried. I started recording our conversation. Big mistake. In it, the topic turned to L. I told A how I hadn’t decided yet if I should fuck L or not, or if I should make him leave his fiancee or not. As well as a number of other cocky and unsavory things. At the time, it was a big joke. I forgot all about the recording.
I had not yet met H. I convinced L to come over to my place one day, fully intending to fuck him blind. Even warned A so she could clear out if it got too loud. Yeah, I’m not quiet when the sex is good 😉 Somewhat surprisingly, L actually showed up. We got in bed, made out, he bit my neck and got me all revved up, we got some clothes off, but he didn’t fuck me. Then he checked his phone to see he had a bunch of missed calls/texts/whatever from this fiancee. L panicked. He got his clothes on so fast I nearly got whiplash just from watching. He took off shaking. That was the one and only time we were ever alone in a bedroom 😦 I admit, I’d been turned down for sex before, but only by one guy. Now that number had doubled!? Not. Cool! I was pissed at L. Why did he even show up!?
It was a while before I cooled off. Then I decided to go to another job, and was going to lose the chance to see L every day. Suddenly I couldn’t get enough of him. Making out in the back room at work, meeting outside after our shifts to make out and feel each other up. It was intense and hot, and never enough. L was my dirty little secret. Flash forward a year or so, and I’m still keeping in touch with L. H and I are engaged, and I’d never cheat on him. But L is so easy to talk to, so understanding, and he wants me. L wants to see me, wants to touch me, wants to talk to me, wants to laugh and joke with me. Emotional affair? I think I’ve spotted one..! I still can’t bring myself to delete some of the emails we sent, they are so Hot. But I stopped actually seeing him entirely. It wasn’t until after H and I were married that I saw him again, went back to where he still works because I was dying to see him. I never told L I loved him, and I’d like to say that’s because it wasn’t true. But in reality, I never said it because I didn’t believe he’d leave his then-fiancee-now-wife for me. So I kept quiet about it.
Prior to getting married, H demanded to know about every guy I’d ever slept with. I had no desire to know similar information about his past, and still don’t understand why he wanted/needed to know. Eventually H made me tell him. He still doesn’t know that I left one out. But, that’s a story for another day. Having never slept with L, there was no reason to bring him up. H had met L, and they really liked one another. H would join in on the teasing between L & myself, and they would gang up on me at times. H asked me about my feelings for L on multiple occasions, and I was careful to avoid telling H the whole truth. I swore, time and again, that L and I were only friends. Then, one fateful night, H was messing around on my phone while I was in another room and heard the recording I’d completely forgotten about. Now H was very clear that I was not only attracted to L, but I considered him a potential lover/conquest prior to meeting H. I again had to swear that L & I never slept together, but I don’t think H ever totally forgave me for lying about it. If he did forgive me, I’m certain he never forgot.
I don’t even remember any more if I ever admitted to H that L came over and that I’d made out with him; I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Yay for secrets – that always seems to work out well for me. So, all of a sudden H does not like L. H hates hearing me talk about seeing L at work, etc. etc. When I saw L today, he asked how I was and we spent about half an hour catching up. He said something about not knowing why H doesn’t like him, and regardless what’s past is past and we should let it go and move on. I thus started trying to remember why H doesn’t like L, and all I can come up with is because I lied to H about my feelings for L. Keep in mind, H doesn’t know that I was in love with L. I can only image how bad it would be if H knew the whole truth.
As usual, L wants to keep in touch. He wants to see me, talk to me, flirt with me. Considering H and I swing, doesn’t seem like that should be a big deal, right? Or maybe I’m just delusional. I’ve never mentioned to H that I want to sleep with L, even when we’re talking about fantasies or guys from my past I’d want to swing with. All in all, I feel like L really was a good friend to me. I still like him, a lot. I’d love to be friends, even if we never sleep together. That’d be fine by me. But I can’t imagine H would be okay with it. Which leaves me with the question, is it worth lying to H for? I end up asking that question every time I see or get an email from L. Here I am, years later, still asking myself, is L worth it?