The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Together At Last

4 Leaf Clover

Last week was rough. Monday our cloverleaf broke up. Tuesday we put it back together. Wednesday I saw both B and his wife during a break at work and my lunch respectively. I kissed both of them. Wednesday night B and I talked on the phone for our first nightly “date”. B asked what the high and low points of my day were. It took me a while to come up with an answer for the low point, but the high point was easy – kissing him! After we got off the phone H asked what we’d talked about and I told him B asked what my high and low points were. H then asked what my answer was, so I told him. H was furious that I’d kissed B. H felt betrayed as we’d all agreed to be “just friends” the night before. H said he wasn’t even sure he was ever going to be okay “playing” with B and his wife again because things had fallen apart so abruptly and completely. H explained that his trust and confidence in the situation between us had been completely shattered. I felt terrible. Unfortunately, I then had to admit I’d also kissed B’s wife that day. It was a bad night for H and I.

My faith and trust was shaken by the events of last week, but after B and I talked one-on-one in person I felt better and was back to the same place I’d been before. I had no idea that H’s reaction was so much worse than mine. I’m in love with B and his wife; I would haveĀ no idea how to be “just friends” (whatever that means!) with them. I understood that we were taking sex off the table for the moment to work on creating stability in our network, which I was okay with even if I wasn’t thrilled about it. I believed that removing sex would give us a chance to improve our communication and all feel emotionally secure in our relationships again, which is of the utmost importance. However, taking out all physical contact and other forms of intimacy never occurred to me. I was devastated that H felt I’d betrayed him and that I’d let him down. We were up very late and I was exhausted Thursday morning. I knew that H would eventually forgive me, but I had no idea how long the wait would be. I send B and his wife both messages first things Thursday morning letting them know what happened, and they also were upset as nobody had intended to hurt H or break the brand new agreement we’d just come to the day before.

Thank goodness for B’s wife. She talked to H Thursday morning before they went to work (B and I were both already at work) and honestly I’m not sure what she said to him but it helped H a lot. H told me later that morning that he had moved from “angry” to “disappointed”. H still hadn’t forgiven me, but the four of us made plans to meet that night and talk about our relationships. Later that afternoon H let me know that he had indeed forgiven me, which made a tremendous difference. The four of us spent a couple of hours talking that night, discussing terminology, commitment and communication primarily. We agreed that we are all in a committed relationship and that we all want a future together. B and his wife want to eventually have another baby, and would also like to move to Hawaii some day. The four of us discussed these topics and agreed that we would tackle this together if and when they happened and that neither a baby nor a move to Hawaii would mean the end of us. In addition, we all agreed that we are past “friends-with-benefits”. I said that I don’t view B and his wife as “partners” because to me that means something is permanent, and we just aren’t there yet (yesterday was the six week mark for us). I explained that I view H as my partner because he and I are forever; I also admitted that I wanted them to be my partners as well and I wanted that commitment level in the future. All four of us agreed that we want the same things, that we want to be together.

Friday was the best day I’d had in a long time. My cloverleaf were all on the same page; I admit I still need to tell H that I’m in love with B and his wife, and they with me, but after our discussion Thursday I truly don’t believe it will be a problem. Saturday was a busy day as I moved my horse to a different boarding facility, but today H and I spent the entire day at the beach with B, his wife and their daughter. We had an amazing time and I bonded with their daughter more than I’ve had a chance to previously. B and his wife were both very impressed by how good I am with her and glad I enjoyed spending time with her so much. What can I say – I love kids. I still don’t know that I’d be able emotionally to handle a child of my own, but I do long for children to love – there’s no denying that. The four of us are continuing to weave deeper, stronger bonds and I believe at this point we are all feeling far more stable in our network than we ever have before. In addition to all the emotional goo, the sexual chemistry has continued to amp up. With any luck, we will be back to hitting the sheets some time this week šŸ™‚

Exhibitionism and dreaming

The kinky adventures of a painslut

Tuesday evening I visited Masterā€™s primary, M. As I said before, M is my ex with whom I used to have a sexual and mostly physical relationship (that ended abruptly when my mental health crashed back in 2009). It was never a very intense relationship mentally, and I never developed very strong romantic feelings toward him, but I like him very much in a pseudo-romantic pseudo-platonic kind of way. If naught else, thereā€™s a certainĀ je ne saisĀ quoiĀ that comes from having been physically close before. I feel at ease around him and Iā€™m definitely sexually attracted to him as well, even if there is no instinctual ā€œoh pleaseĀ pleaseā€ like I feel with Master. Out of respect for Master, I have also committed to not re-uptaking my relationship with M. Weā€™ve discussed this an amount of times and it still makes me insanely uneasy. Master is very possessiveā€¦

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I Feel Your Frequency; I Found Mine in Submission of Its Purest Form

freeing excalibur

When I was five years old, a young woman came to visit my grandmother to have tea and copy down some recipes. Ā TheĀ young lady was newly married and had wanted some of the Home Economic clubā€™s signature recipes to take care of her husband, Pinterest nonexistent at the time. Ā Grandma was the leader of the local chapter and I was used to such types of visits. Ā On this particular day, I had been playing house under the old oak tree when Grandpa had called me in for something he needed help doing. Ā When I walked in to the house I remember being met with aĀ very overwhelming tiredness and a blanket of physically painfulĀ sensations. Ā I knew something was wrong and went to directly to GrandmaĀ for comfort but the closer I got to her the stronger the feelings came from the young woman with a pretty blue dress sitting across the roomā€¦

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The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll

4 Leaf Clover

Last weekend H and I went out of town for a couple of days to go to an Oktoberfest with some friends and family. I really didn’t want to go on a trip but H wasn’t taking “No.” for an answer, so I finally relented. We came home Saturday evening and B and his wife came over. I was extremely excited to see them and we had tentative plans to all spend Sunday together. So, naturally, I suggested a sleepover! H and I have a king size bed plus we have a guest room that never gets used, so there would be options for them. I so desperately want to go to sleep wrapped up in B and his wife and wake up next to them. They seemed amenable to the idea and agreed. I was really excited when they got here; nobody had eaten so I cooked dinner and we had drinks. The evening was going well and we moved to the bedroom. H and B’s wife got right down to business while B and I took our time a bit more. B wasn’t getting hard nearly as quickly as usual, but I honestly didn’t mind. We were making out, touching each other and holding each other close. It felt extremely intimate and I felt so vulnerable and cared for. B eventually got hard and we had sex some, but he didn’t stay hard. We went back to making out and touching and holding one another. B also gave me several orgasms through other means šŸ˜‰

H and B’s wife seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves, which is always a big turn on for me. Then B’s wife and I decided we needed some girl-on-girl time. She likes to be in control and I love to make her cum, although it’s not super easy to accomplish. I played with her and enjoyed her body, but eventually had her sit on my face and ride me while I ate her out. Fuck it was so hot! I’ve never had a girl ride my face like that before and she later told me she doesn’t have much experience with that position but IĀ loved it! She was kind of shy and holding back because she didn’t want to squish me so I wasn’t able to make her cum for me as she kept pulling away, but she clearly liked it and I love doing new things with her.

We were taking a breather and I went to clean up dinner in the kitchen. When I came back in the bedroom a few minutes later B and his wife were redressed and I immediately knew they were leaving. But, nobody said anything. The three of them just continued the conversation they had been having prior to my walking in. The last I’d heard H and B’s wife were planning to start a movie, so after a few minutes I asked about the movie. That’s when B’s wife said something along the lines of “We haven’t told her yet.” Told me WHAT!? Then B’s wife told me they were leaving and would be back in the morning. I was really sad they were going but didn’t want to pressure them, so I didn’t ask why. Nobody volunteered why either, they just said goodbye and went home. I felt abandoned. I thought one of my ultimate dreams was going to come true that night, falling asleep with them and waking up with them for the first time. Even if they had chosen to sleep in the guest room, at least I would’ve known they were nearby. I wanted that so badly and they had agreed, but now they were leaving and I didn’t know why. It really hurt.

A bit later B texted me apologizing for having so much difficulty getting/staying hard. I told him I honestly wasn’t upset and that I was very happy and really enjoyed my time with him (all of which was 100% true). B was still really upset and I couldn’t understand why. The next morning B and his wife didn’t come over like they had said they would. I was then told that B had done cocaine before coming over to our house. I knew that years ago B had been a cocaine user & dealer, but I assumed that part of his life was over. I never explicitly asked, I just got that impression. Apparently he still uses cocaine. He only told me because using cocaine has caused him to have trouble getting/staying hard in the past but he for some reason didn’t think it would happen this time. He wanted me to know it wasn’t me. Great – I feelĀ so much better! Not.

I don’t like drugs. They scare me. I grew up in a bad area with a high density of drugs. I never knew anyone who used cocaine, but other drugs were prevalent. I’ve never even smoked pot because I don’t like to be out of control and it was always just too scary for me to not know how it would feel or how I would respond to doing drugs. Also, I didn’t like or respect the people I grew up around who did drugs so I had no desire to have something in common with them. I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but drugs are a big deal to me. However, I am also a very analytical person. I certainly feel deeply, but it’s not uncommon for me to need time to process something prior to knowing how I feel about it. Finding out that B does cocaine was one of those times for me. I was not happy and wished I’d known before he came over on it and had sex with me, but the fact that he uses cocaine occasionally was something I really needed to think about whether that was a deal breaker or not. Then, once I figured out how I felt, I also had to tell H and get his thoughts on it.

Unfortunately, while I was still in the processing stage, B’s wife and I had a series of miscommunications. I asked if H knew about the cocaine and she said “No.” I said I would talk to him and she got extremely defensive. She implied that H and I were judging them and treating them like a problem and that B occasionally using cocaine to “recreate” doesn’t affect anyone else other than his inability to perform sexually. I was angry with her because I didn’t even know how I felt about it yet, but I was thinking about it with an open mind and wasn’t judging them at all. I also never indicated it was a deal breaker in any way. B’s wife acted like H and I shouldn’t talk about the two of them almost, which is ridiculous! We are maintaining two independent marriages while being involved in our foursome; ofĀ course the two married couples talk about the other partners! Plus, it doesn’t make any sense to me that three people would know something the fourth doesn’t. I felt I was being completely calm, rational and reasonable in how I handled this extremely unexpected information and what do I get? B’s wife freaking the fuck out on me via text message. Awesome.

Eventually H and I talked and agreed that this didn’t mean we needed to end things, but H and I agree we don’t want to be at all involved and if B is using cocaine we don’t want him to be around us during those times. I called B and told him that his wife seemed really upset by me and I didn’t know how to fix it, so he talked to her which seemed to help. I then called her and we all seemed to be okay again. If only…

Monday was a strange day as B was still very upset over his perceived sexual issues and H and I were still reeling from the cocaine news. B’s wife tried to make plans for us to all have dinner together last night, and everyone was game except B. B and his wife talked, which led to them telling us they wanted to put the sexual aspects of our relationships on hiatus. The pressure was too much, they got in over their heads, and they needed to slow down and work on building solid relationships that would build up to sex rather than jumping in full steam ahead as we had done from the beginning. I had no problem with this, as I was already feeling B and I needed a chance to reconnect and feel that we were on the same page again before we had sex the next time. Unfortunately, H didn’t feel the same way. H still wanted this to be fun, not stressful or something we have to work at. H agreed we could continue to be friends, but nothing more. B’s wife and I were devastated. I’ve hinted at this already, but I admit at this point I was already completely in love with both B and his wife. Losing them from my life was unimaginable. However, I couldn’t change how H felt about the situation. H felt used and led on. He and B’s wife were having miscommunication problems of their own at the time.

Monday our cloverleaf broke up.

Tuesday was the worst day I can ever remember having. I was completely heartbroken. I was up all night Monday crying and didn’t get any sleep at all. I had a migraine and wasn’t able to eat. I did go to work Tuesday but I felt like I was dead inside, like I had nothing left. I was so afraid. I didn’t know how to not be in love with B and his wife, but we were still suppose to be friends. How can I be “friends” with people I’m in love with and not have that threaten my marriage??? How was I going to maintain my marriage while I was heartbroken over two people at once? I’ve never experienced a loss like that before. Tuesday after work B and I were texting and I was telling him some of this. We didn’t use the word ‘love’, but we were clearly taking about the same thing. H came home late and didn’t tell me where he was, which is not like him at all. I was extremely upset, heartbroken, not feeling well physically, and just sitting there waiting for him for an hour and a half. By the time he finally got home I was crying uncontrollably. I needed him.

Turns out H was talking to B’s wife in person and they had a good conversation. H completely lost track of time and was extremely sorry for upsetting me so much. I of course forgave him and was very happy he and B’s wife talked, I just needed to know where he was. I was hurting and vulnerable and alone –Ā not a good combination for me! Apparently H and B’s wife worked through their earlier miscommunications and agreed they didn’t want things to end. H no longer had all of the negative feelings and anger he’d had the day before, and he was now, for the first time, willing to work on relationships between us all, even without sex. I was so grateful. H told me he and B’s wife think B and I have communication issues and really need to talk in person, sooner rather than later. I was all for that, so I invited B over. He agreed – I was so afraid he wouldn’t. But he did. So, H went to hang out with B’s wife and daughter and B came here. B and I talked and worked through some of the things that were troubling him. We held each other and kissed each other. We talked and laughed, but we also talked about our sexual relationship and the pressures we are feeling with one another. It was not easy but it was absolutely the right things for us. I was wrapped in B’s arms and he said, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?” I told him, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?”

I was so afraid I was never going to get to tell him I loved him. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to move forward with my life without our cloverleaf. I want three people who love me and three people to love. More than that, I wantĀ these three people to love me and to love. B is in love with me, and I’m in love with him. He promised not to try to bail on our relationship in the future. We agreed we are going to work on our communication and we are going to learn together how to be there for each other and communicate effectively with each other. I also suggested that we talk on the phone every night rather than having so much of our communication always be via text message. The cloverleaf all thought this was a great idea, so I’m looking forward very much to our first phone date at some point tonight. Later last night after B left, I was talking with his wife and telling her a bit about how things went between us. She told me, “I love u my dear. U are so so so so important to me” to which I of course responded, “I love you too. I am in love with you. But I was trying to wait to tell u in person when we were alone lol”. She loves me too! And I finally got to tell her that I’m in love with her!!! I’ve been wanting to do that for what feels like forever, but I was trying to give us all time to stabilize.

As horrible as feeling our cloverleaf collapse was, I think it was an extremely important step for us all. As a result, we all chose together to commit to building our relationships and our network and making it strong and lasting. H decided for the first time that he is okay with a polyamorous relationship rather than just being friends-with-benefits. B, his wife and I all laid our emotions on the line for one another. I admit I haven’t told H that I’m in love with them and that they are in love with me. I want to tell him, I’m just not sure how to. Maybe I will ask B’s wife for advise on that frontā€¦couldn’t hurt. Anyway, our cloverleaf survived something really difficult over the last few days and we’ve come out of it still together and much stronger and more deeply committed. As far as the rock n’ roll part of thingsā€¦B’s wife LOVES this song and says it makes her think of our cloverleaf. Enjoy ā¤