I really just want to die right now, or at least hide FOREVER curled up in my bed, under the covers, never to be seen again.
I saw Mr. Trustworthy this morning and, as always, it was great. Yes the sex, but also the company. Never before in my life have I felt the pervasive sense of safety I feel with Mr. Trustworthy. I couldn’t love him more if I tried!
Still, it’s complicated. No secrets, that’s the deal with us. Friends forever. No matter what. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Perhaps, if quite a few important details were altered, indeed it could be…but he’s my best friend, so he has to hear pretty much everything. Especially the never ending story between Mr. Trouble and myself.
I’m in a lot of pain today. I thought about taking ibuprofen or something like that but I hate taking pills and don’t want to build up tolerance either. I thought about getting drunk but that really hasn’t appealed to me at all lately. So, resting in bed for most of the day, bored and hurting, resisting other measures, I pivoted to sex. Thanks to my masochism, if I get horny enough I can turn whatever pain isn’t blocked out in to pleasure…plus the endorphins from orgasms also help manage the pain as a bonus. After not talking all afternoon, Mr. Trustworthy text me just as my masturbation sesh was heating up…
How you feeling
It’s not raining
I’m not kidding lol…I’m putting that same vibe to further use at the moment!
I’m not only horny when it’s raining lol
Only when your awake?
Naw…dirty dreams are common lol
Did I not satisfy you?
You did for the moment but I’m not sure it’s possible to satisfy me permanently!
I’m too greedy
There’s a couple things I don’t think we’ve specifically talked about that maybe now’s a good time for me to mention…I’ve suffered from hypersexuality nearly my whole life. People always think a girl that’s a nympho would be awesome but the reality just isn’t. It’s rather miserable a lot of the time but I just live with it. I also use it as a coping mechanism cuz I’ve been in a lot of pain all day and rather than take pills or get drunk, both of which I seriously considered, if I get horny instead I can use my masochism to turn the pain in to pleasure plus the endorphins from orgasms help manage the pain for a bit. My stupid sex drive isn’t at all normal, same goes for my masochism. I use both as tools to help me cope with life cuz both also make me miserable so I take what up side I can find.
TL;DR none of it is any reflection on us, you or our sex life
I’ve already figured out your sex drive is not exactly normal.
Well ya, I didn’t expect to shock you just actually addressed it directly for once
And as hesitant as I am to say this, Mr. Trouble’s not in my life because of sex. Just for the record. If you could do anything that would get him out of my life believe me I’d be the first to ask you
As ridiculous as my sex drive is it doesn’t control me or my decision making like it did when I was younger
…aaaaaaand I haven’t heard a word back. I feel ridiculously vulnerable and stupid for admitting I was horny and masturbating when Mr. Trustworthy happened to text to check on me earlier 😦 Plus part of me has always felt like part of Mr. Trustworthy thinks Mr. Trouble is in my life because I want something more or different in bed than what I get from Mr. Trustworthy, which simply isn’t at all why I can’t let go of Mr. Trouble. I’ve felt for a long time I needed to say that but I’ve never had the guts to before. Maybe I’m just stupid through and through tonight, what do I know? Not that that would exactly be a NEW development…
Last week Mr. Trustworthy planned a motorcycle ride for instructors which Mr. Trouble and I both attended. There were six of us total and after the ride, we stopped and had dinner. Mr. Trouble ended up sitting next to me and across from Mr. Trustworthy. Texting with Mr. Trustworthy the next day, the group ride came up…
So if we took a poll of the other four people last night, how many do you think realized we were flirting? Lol
Everyone knows me, I flirt with everyone
I know you do 🙂 that’s part of why I don’t worry about diving in lol
Oh and I totally gave you a hug at ******** but I didn’t feel the need to correct you at the view point cuz I wanted another hug lol
I know, just wanted another hug and it’s a good cover up
That’s what I was wondering 😉😘
I noticed Mr. Trouble didn’t give you a hug or even acknowledge you much
None of my business, sorry
He and I don’t hug in public…he is my boss
You don’t need to be sorry
And you’re right and wrong…we were talking on intercom
I know you were
But we do play it pretty close to the vest. That’s part of why I let him closer again, cuz he stopped trying to burn his whole world to the ground
What gave it away that we were talking?
I could hear Mr. Trouble when we were stopped
Damn…will have to watch out for that in group rides. Thanks
You were the only person I hugged, I don’t hug other instructors unless they initiate it, don’t wanna risk making anyone uncomfortable
…aaaaand he dropped off again. I should’ve asked him if he actually heard whatever Mr. Trouble was saying or just could hear his voice and because he knows about our affair assumed Mr. Trouble was talking to me or if he actually heard something that might’ve tipped off any other person to the fact that I was talking with Mr. Trouble on intercom during the group ride…?
I feel like such a fucking heel. Sure Mr. Trustworthy got all of my visible attention but it had to hurt knowing I was talking with Mr. Trouble while the group of us were out riding together. I really thought it would stay between the two of us, I couldn’t think of any way in which Mr. Trustworthy would know or I would’ve at least reconsidered the decision before hitting my intercom and bugging Mr. Trouble. Also forces me to wonder about the motivation behind that extra hug Mr. Trustworthy lied to get from me when we took a break at the view point, cleverly asking where his hug was since I hadn’t given him one yet!? Which of course I had, as soon as he showed up for the ride. But I can’t ever get enough hugs so I wasn’t going to call him out!
Don’t get me wrong, if somehow my talking with Mr. Trouble via intercom had come up I never would’ve lied to Mr. Trustworthy, it would’ve just remained among the many details there’s no reason to share had he not brought up Mr. Trouble’s behavior toward me. Similarly, the Friday before our group ride I had plans with Mr. Trouble, he’d asked me to lunch and though I was loathe to admit it, I was extremely apprehensive! I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that or ask Mr. Trouble if lunch was strictly personal or at all work related, just accepted and then told Mr. Trustworthy how nervous I was considering all of the serious and often not at all fun conversations Mr. Trouble and I have had over COFFEE I was scared of the reasons I was imagining for what would warrant a request for LUNCH!?
Well, *lunch* turned in to me meeting Mr. Trouble at his house rather than at a restaurant as had been the initial plan. Even with the location change I was still a bit nervous Mr. Trouble might have something serious we needed to talk about. However, he greeted me relaxed and happy and several minutes later, once I had my mouth free long enough, I jokingly said, ‘Well, it doesn’t appear that you’re going to fire me!?’ which made him chuckle along with me. He assured me that no, he wasn’t going to fire me. I explained my logic of being afraid to wonder what might warrant us meeting for LUNCH considering the conversations we’ve had over COFFEE and he laughed and said, ‘Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking!’
Mr. Trustworthy asked me to let him know how things went with Mr. Trouble, so I text him after I left Mr. Trouble’s house, saying ‘Everything’s okay with Mr. Trouble, he just wanted to see me.’ I did not volunteer the detail about the location change and we didn’t discuss my seeing Mr. Trouble any more, even though Mr. Trustworthy and I had plans for that afternoon and spent a couple hours together. I felt super awkward because I wasn’t 100% sure if Mr. Trustworthy realized I’d had sex with Mr. Trouble basically right before spending time with him but whether he realized it or not, I really didn’t want to have sex with him too. My freaking clothes still smelled like Mr. Trouble, no doubt I did as well. If Mr. Trustworthy wasn’t certain I’d already had sex before seeing him that day, I sure as hell didn’t want him figuring it out while we were naked!
So yeah. Does that make me a hypocrite that I didn’t want to have sex with both of them in the same day when I’ve done exactly that twice in the past? The thing is, both times it happened before it was not planned whereas this time I did have plans to see them both the same day. Also, I’m honestly not even sure if this mattered or not, but the other times, I’d been with Mr. Trustworthy first and it was Mr. Trouble who was round #2. I just couldn’t do it and I was too much of a coward to outright tell Mr. Trustworthy that I didn’t want to have sex that day, let alone tell him why. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t lie to him, and whatever I told him about not feeling into it was true, it was just a very shallow truth if that makes sense.
Wow did I have a lot to get off my chest. Mr. Trustworthy is my emotional rock and before today I’d been planning to tell him as soon as I saw him in person again about changing my name and pronouns, but I came up thoroughly yellow bellied today and just didn’t because I’m so damn afraid. If I say it out loud it will be real and I know I can’t unring that bell. Am I just not ready? Maybe I will put this off until after my next therapy appointment on Friday and see how I’m feeling then…
I’m always afraid when talking with Mr. Trustworthy and the subject turns to Mr. Trouble that some day Mr. Trustworthy will just outright ask me what it is Mr. Trouble gives me that Mr. Trustworthy doesn’t? I’ve certainly told Mr. Trustworthy more times than I can remember that there is no comparing my relationship with him to my relationship with Mr. Trouble, but given the sheer number of times I’ve insisted that alone lends credence to the fact that Mr. Trustworthy doesn’t totally believe me. It’s true, but it’s only part of the truth and I’m sure that’s what Mr. Trustworthy senses…that and that fact Mr. Trouble is still in my life after all this time also unfortunately underlines how important Mr. Trouble is to me.
Maybe it’s time I just give the run down and get this off my chest, as I seem to be doing with so much else already tonight…
Mr. Trustworthy is my best friend. He knows me so deeply and I have let down more walls to let him in to my heart than I thought I was even capable of letting down at this point in my life. I trust him without reservation and there is absolutely nothing that would ever convince me to view him in any way other than loving me and having my best interests at heart, my default setting when it comes to him is definitely to give him the benefit of the doubt no matter what. I rely so heavily on him for my emotional stability, to help me when I get overwhelmed, when I’m stuck in my own head overthinking things, or even just when I’m lonely or hurting. Plus the sex is awesome! He goes out of his way to please me and boy does he know what I like by now! He’s always up for trying new things, why even today we finally tried figging together! But the sex is only so great because I have been so incredibly vulnerable with him, which is only possible due to the depth of trust and love we’ve built over the past couple of years. I admit I’m still afraid of what he will think presuming I do go ahead with changing my name and pronouns, because I know he just doesn’t understand and I doubt he ever can. But in my head I know I can trust him and I certainly won’t let my own feelings of fear come between us.
That said, Mr. Trouble is in my life for a reason. I feel like we are wired the same; we not only think in similar ways but he understands parts of me that Mr. Trustworthy can’t. Mr. Trouble sees me differently, he really SEES parts of who I am that are illusive to Mr. Trustworthy. That’s why Mr. Trouble’s the *only* person who makes me feel seen when he says my current name. Aside from the fear which I know from experience I can just chose to ignore, that’s the only other thing that makes me hesitate to change my name…I know Mr. Trouble will respect the request which means I might never get to hear him say my current name again and I don’t want to lose that feeling. I’m not even sure how to describe it beyond just feeling like all of me is being seen.
Even so, I can’t imagine I’d ever trust Mr. Trouble in an even vaguely similar way to how I trust Mr. Trustworthy. I don’t trust Mr. Trouble to not hurt me, although lately he’s actually treating me like a real human being whom he at least slightly cares about rather than treating me like trash as he did for so long. Even as awful as he was to me, to be fair I actively encouraged much of that behavior and hid it from him when he did hurt me for a very long time because I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable enough to let him know how deeply it cut. Plus there was the alcohol abuse going on for a while which I didn’t know about that also played a factor in how frequently Mr. Trouble hurt me previously. Things have been good and very stable since I let him back in my bed so to speak, which makes me feel like I was correct that Mr. Trouble’s been making an effort to do better throughout his life and is no longer in that ugly downward spiral from the beginning of the year.
So, while I am way too deeply in love with Mr. Trouble, I can’t imagine ever trusting him with all of me, all of my vulnerabilities and fears. And although it might be hard for some to believe, loving Mr. Trouble does not at all take anything away from how completely in love with Mr. Trustworthy I am. Lately I feel like they are my yin & yang, one giving me the total safety and security as well as unconditional love I’ve always craved and the other understanding all of the complicated sides of me, offering none of the security but relating to the parts of me which elude Mr. Trustworthy. Sometimes I think if a single person were able to give me the combination of everything the two of them currently give me I’d have found the happily ever after I know Mr. Trustworthy wants for me. Too bad I don’t believe it would end in ‘happily ever after’ even if such a person did exist and find their way in to my life.
So here I am, confiding in my blog because I’m holding so much in, even from my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been talking to Mr. Trustworthy and he knows I’m struggling with big things emotionally at the moment, trying to work on things, trying to work THROUGH things, he just isn’t clued in on all the details at the moment as I already know from previous conversations that while he is always willing to listen, he can’t understand and just doesn’t have any way to truly relate to where I’m at. Part of me thinks I should be grateful I have both these men in my life, and part of me IS grateful. But I also feel so guilty that Mr. Trustworthy gives me so much and no matter how many times I turn to Mr. Trouble, no matter how many times I run to Mr. Trustworthy heartbroken over Mr. Trouble, Mr. Trustworthy is still there for me, still loves and supports me, still listens to me and asks for nothing at all in return. He texts me every single day just to say good morning and I’m lost without him. It kills me knowing that even with all he gives me it isn’t enough. I’d give anything for what we have to be enough, but it can’t be, not in this lifetime. So Mr. Trouble remains…filling in the gaps.
That’s the best I can do for now…