Lofty Goals and Self-Deceit

maskDo you ever tell yourself something over and over again, something you so badly want to be true, that you start to believe it? I honestly thought on some level that I had accepted my submissiveness. After last night however, it is painfully clear I have not accepted it in that it has a very real effect on my relationships with others. It’s not easy. It isn’t something I can overcome, let go or leave behind. These thoughts should’ve been a red flag that I was trying to live in a dream world again…but I just wanted it to be true so BADLY! It felt like my submissive needs had faded from lack of attention…if only…

 

 

A few weeks ago H and I met another couple our age who contacted us online. Unfortunately they were far more appealing in their online photos than they were in person. Although they both have nice enough bodies, I don’t like either of their faces and I’m not attracted to either of their personalities even though they are nice enough people. H has been frustrated with our sex life for some time, which I can certainly relate to. However, after our run-in with chlamydia, sex with other people has fallen dramatically low on my list of priorities/interests. The same cannot be said for him and although I didn’t say I flat out don’t want to have sex with other people (he has asked me this repeatedly) I did explain that I want to be pickier about who.

 

I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure from H about our sex life in general and the lack of other participants in particular. My health is still difficult to deal with (which doesn’t help but is also far from the primary issue) and although I intend to follow through when I tell H I will look for someone online, I haven’t. And I’ve promised H that I would, and soon, too many times without following through. So, even after meeting this couple and feeling no attraction whatsoever to either of them, I only admitted to not being attracted to the husband. When H asked me about the wife I made comments like, “She has a nice body” and, “She has perky tits”. Not lies, but definitely not the truth I know he didn’t want to hear. The group decided that it was okay I wasn’t attracted to him, she and I could put on a show for the boys. A couple weeks ago they came over and I drank nearly an entire bottle of rum so I could play with her. I feel guilty about it, for so many reasons. I told H I drank so much because I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to drink until I felt better (not a lie, but far from my primary motivation) when H expressed concern because I’ve told him before I don’t want to have to drink to play. I still can’t bring myself to tell him the truth. They are coming over again in a couple days, and I’m dreading it but have no idea what to do.

 

heart-broken

About a week before we met this new couple, O was going to come over and instead canceled saying we should stop hooking up because he needs to concentrate on getting a stable relationship, but still wants to be friends and hang out. Four and a half hours later, I responded with a somewhat-true excuse for the delay and an assurance that I understand and am good with being friends.

 

 

O said he doesn’t think it’s healthy for either of us to be off and on in the bedroom. He hopes he didn’t hurt me. He cares very much for me. Does my selfishness have no end? How can I care about him so much and yet feel like my heart is being trampled every time he tells me about a new girl or a date. I know I can’t give him what he wants and we both know what I have to offer is not enough for him. And yet I wish to jealously hide him away from the world, keep him somewhere dark and secret where it’s only ever just the two of us. To possess him just as I long for him to possess me. When I was with B there was an aspect of that; he guarded me jealously and wanted to keep me away from other men. Although it seemed at first H was an exception, in the end that just wasn’t the case. B wanted me all to himself and in the long run couldn’t accept my marriage.

 

This illustrates fabulously how abundantly selfish I am. I’m basically wishing this same pain on O by wanting him to want me like B wanted me, but more because he’s someone I really know, and B wasn’t. O is someone I trust deeply, and in ways I’ve never trusted anyone else. I respect and cherish O, feelings which were only fleeting and hollow in comparison in my relationship with B. I want so badly I can’t even describe it to give O everything he wants, but I can’t. We hung out together without hooking up exactly once, which was during the wake of the chlamydia situation when I was still banned from sex. We talked and watched T.V. and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I hoped this would be enough of a foundation for us to be friends and for me to learn to be content with his occasional company.

 

Well, last weekend he said he was going to come hang out and canceled last-minute. I can’t say that I blame him nor that I was particularly surprised, but I was very sad. I have lots of theories as to why he canceled, from taking what he said at face-value to him not wanting to hang out knowing H would be coming home and joining us. Luckily I made plans with other friends that night and for the weekend so I wasn’t sitting home alone feeling sorry for myself. But it definitely made me wonder about our newly redefined relationship. Based on what happened last night, I wasn’t wrong to wonder.

 

O came over after having dinner with his family; I was home alone while H was at work. There is a T.V. show I love called ‘Forged in Fire’ which I’ve mentioned to O in the past (and led to some VERY hot suggestions from him about me at his mercy and cold steel) which O hasn’t seen. I looked it up and put it on and we watched a few episodes. The rain was torrential and O said it’s weather for cuddling. We were sitting next to each other on the couch with a friendly amount of space between us. Other than a hug hello and goodbye, I honestly didn’t plan on touching him.

 

Thanks to my crappy health I experience chronic pain, particularly in my hands and my neck/shoulder area. I was absentmindedly rubbing my hands because they were hurting and when O asked if my hands hurt I realized they did and went and put on my compression gloves which help some. I came back over and sat down again, and it wasn’t long before he said, “I was going to do this.” picked up my hand, and starting to massage it. After massaging each hand in turn, I refocused on the show we were watching and internally congratulated myself on that not being too inappropriate for ‘friends’ hanging out.

 

I suppose given that he was turned in my direction to see the T.V. it shouldn’t surprise me that he was picking up on my pain tells. As I was adjusting against the soft couch trying to find a position which would be less painful for my neck, O asked, “Did you want to sit closer?” silly me, I instantly bridged the gap between us and cuddled up to him. He started stroking my hair, massaging my scalp, neck and shoulders and I just melted. I didn’t realize what was happening at the time; I honestly just thought that I was physically relaxing because he was massaging pain away…okay, at least that’s what I WOULD have thought had I been thinking at all. Laying across his lap bonelessly, my eyes were closed and aside from the physical bliss, what I was seeing should have tipped me off. I wasn’t just not seeing if that makes any sense; I saw blackness but it was soft, gentle, it felt as if i was surrounded, wrapped up and supported by the black all around me. And there were sparkling lights breaking up the soft black surrounding, twinkling in and out of existence gently. Then my phone rang.

 

I had told H earlier that O and I were hanging out, and as he was working a later shift than usual H called me on his break because he was having trouble staying awake. As soon as I heard my phone ringing and realized what the sound was I sat up and opened my eyes. My voice was thick and I was far from fully cognizant; I don’t remember much of the brief conversation we had. H asked if he was interrupting anything and I assured him that we were just watching T.V. as I sat next to O on the couch. H asked if I’d rather text him and I quickly accepted. Hitting ‘play’ and curling back up on O’s lap H text me saying I didn’t sound happy. I assured him I was happy, just not 100% awake. H thought I was napping and I told him ‘not completely’, answering his ‘I’m confused’ with an explanation that I was relaxed, still am but now more alert. H thought he might be interrupting something and that is what I meant by ‘relaxed’. I told H O was rubbing my neck and we were watching the show; H told me to have fun and share details. I assured H that those were the details, but he thought there would be more. He was right.

 

Considering how sluggishly my brain was moving I’m surprised I managed even that simple conversation. Later, after O had left, I realized why I was so disoriented when H called; I had slipped deeply into subspace without even realizing it, just curled up with O touching me. Convo with H concluded, I put my phone down and O was once again touching me without hesitation. I was now only shallowly in subspace, much more aware of every touch. O played with my hair, rubbed my neck, touched my butt and legs. I’m pretty sure I started moaning around this point. He dipped his hand lower and briefly gave me a hint of pressure where I needed it most, then started fondling my breasts. Thanks to the cut of my top, he had no trouble reaching beneath my shirt and into my bra to squeeze my breasts and play with my nipples. Thankfully my piercings are finally fully healed, but he was not rough. The lighter touch just made me want him that much worse, made me want him so badly, right NOW!

 

 

Head thrown back into his lap, back arched, fidgeting and moaning O couldn’t have doubted how badly I wanted him. Luckily my position allowed him easy access to slip his hand down my pants and stroke my soaking wet core; rubbing me through my pants was simply not enough! I was cumming from the moment he first touched me directly and I still wanted more…and O gave it to me. Using his other hand he started grabbing my neck forcefully, holding me down, closing off my airway. I saw stars. Each time he briefly released me, I found myself grabbing him frantically, pulling him down and trying to devour his mouth. I don’t recall ever kissing anyone with so much need. As I continued to have a particularly explosive chain of small orgasms, O finally undid my jeans to allow him a bit more room to maneuver and my orgasm immediately shot up the Richter scale…the continued choking a definite bonus. Never before in my life have I had an orgasm intense enough to squirt with my pants still on! Leave it to O to barely touch me and get me wound so tight I couldn’t have held back if I’d wanted to. Panties and jeans thoroughly soaked, I surged up again for one more desperate kiss before turning over onto my hands and knees beside him on the couch and swallowing his cock whole.

 

I’ve never been shy about giving blowjobs, but I also don’t usually consider it a highlight for me. Last night I wanted O so terribly I couldn’t have been happier than to do my damnedest to show him exactly how good he makes me feel and exactly how deeply I need him. I sucked his cock like I was starving for it, and it was thrilling. My pulse was still pounding; the fierce, squirting orgasm had ended but the intensity coiled inside of me had only drawn tighter, needier as I tasted and swallowed him. I’m not certain, but I think when he came it was a particularly strong orgasm for him too. I felt him pumping down my throat and didn’t let up, wanting every last drop. He kept pulsing as I continued to suck and I never wanted it to end. Eventually I did release him from my mouth, feeling my pussy clenching violently, frantic to be filled. But when I made eye contact with O, on my hands and knees on the couch beside him, I suddenly felt that was the end of the show. We kissed once more, gently; I was already beginning to question my welcome. I curled up beside him again, head on his leg, and tried to get myself back under control. O held me and stroked me and was as kind as anyone could hope for. But we were done for the night.

 

After a bit of cuddling I excused myself to go change out of my dripping wet panties and jeans. I imagine it took O all of two seconds to tuck himself back into his jeans and look perfectly respectable once again. It’s been a very long time since I got off with someone without removing any clothing whatsoever. Frantic need can certainly be appealing, but O was a long way from finishing the job as far as I was concerned. He left a bit later and gave me a chaste kiss goodbye. Still floating a bit in subspace I practically ran to my bedroom, got out my glass dildo and fucked myself silly. Even after I came so hard and so much that I literally couldn’t squirt any more, I still wanted him; still needed him. I was coming out of subspace now that we weren’t in physical contact and it was a very harsh return to reality.

 

Now I’m worried and scared. O didn’t want me, he said so very clearly. He just wants to be friends and I went and slipped into subspace from some cuddling! There is certainly some possibility that our spontaneous romp was initiated by him, but I feel the far more likely cause was my wantonness. I am honestly shocked to learn that I can slip so deeply into subspace from so little action on O’s part; I never would have guessed he affected me so powerfully even in an innocent situation. Sure I knew I could consciously submit to him and enjoy both pain and pleasure as he saw fit, but I sincerely saw little to no danger in cuddling on a couch watching T.V. Once again I find myself afraid that I’ve pushed him away, that I won’t see him again, that I’ve broken something fragile between us. Once H was home a couple hours later I was still extremely wound up and intensely needed to be fucked hard. H obliged, asking me questions the whole time about how much better O is at fucking me and how badly I wanted it to be O fucking me rather than H. I admitted everything without shame thanks to my desperate state. I also came so hard I flooded our bed from squiring so much.

 

It was now pushing 3 a.m. and even though I was nowhere near satisfied, H needed to get some sleep. We dealt with the soaked bedding and sleep reigned. This morning H fucked me twice more, and still didn’t put even a dent in how badly I NEED! Because it’s not H I need, nor is it that I need sex; I need O. What do I do now? Apologize? Thank him? Ask if we’re okay? Say I don’t regret it? Ask if O does? I have no idea. Coward that I am I finally text O a couple hours ago about a tattoo idea and he responded almost immediately. When that topic ran its course (only a total of about ten minutes) I returned back to the safety and uncertainty of radio silence. What am I going to do?

 

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4 thoughts on “Lofty Goals and Self-Deceit

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