Last weekend O was here again. I struggle to describe the freedom I experience with him – when we’re together, when he dominates me, when he doesn’t, when we’re just texting casually or flirting. Everything feels so effortless with O.
Last weekend there was no discipline, no pain. There was delight and laughter, fun and excitement and release. Even so, O was the dominant. I trusted him; I submitted to him. I let down all of my walls, all of the barriers and trappings; I let loose everything that I hold back in life. When I interact with O I truly let go in all things, in all ways – I allow myself to fall to pieces, even to be torn down. And as it turns out, it’s so incredibly simple to do this when you have absolute faith that this person will catch every single piece for you. I know beyond any doubt that nothing will slip from O’s grasp; and, even upon examination, he won’t judge, dismiss, diminish or in any way take anything away from me. He guards my raw and exposed soul faithfully and without fail. O is not only willing to experience every single shard of me, he will collect every fragment, hold on despite every ugly, cutting edge and ensure that, in the end, I am put back together stronger than I was before. O will incinerate all that I am to show me the light.
No one has ever been willing to do this for me. H may not be capable of this, which is okay. I love him, I choose a life with him. What I’ve finally come to realize is that this does not preclude my ability to live authentically. I have evolved beyond believing (let alone expecting) any one individual to be capable of meeting all of my needs. People are social beings with diverse needs; none of us are meant to live in solitude or even sequestered with only one other being. The expectations I learned from my culture such as happily ever after’s, soul mates and knights in shining armor fall shockingly short of laying a foundation for a life of happiness for me. H is my partner – we are still working on this, but our partnership is undeniable – a conscious choice we made. O has accomplished something at least equally as difficult; O conquered me.
I submit to him, but O didn’t conquer me physically. I don’t fight him; I submit gratefully. Why? Because O conquered my mind and my soul long before he dominated my body. O taught me to trust him (don’t ask me how as I have absolutely no idea!). My trust is absolute and unshakable; I could not submit under any other circumstances. Is he my Dom? Perhaps. Is he my Master? No. I don’t believe O is in my life to stay, although I’d hazard to guess that he will always be welcome. I may not be his path, which is okay. If his path does include me long-term, even better. Regardless, I cannot control this and I won’t try. I am endlessly thankful for all that O has taught me and hope to have him in my life in one way or another for a long time to come. But no mater what is to be, O has given me the gift of submission – and for this, I can never adequately repay him.