I wonder, is my pervasive selfishness simply derived from my extensive cowardice? I’m too afraid to take risks or do anything which could affect me deeply. Even in my marriage a cycle exists of me opening up to H, working on difficult things, our relationship getting stronger, and then me withdrawing and refusing to open up to him. More space separating us; H having no idea what’s really going on with me. I’m such a coward I won’t even be consistently honest with my husband about my feelings, desires and what I don’t want. Yesterday was just as miserable as I expected after H went in to work, another late shift. It didn’t go well and he warned me he’d be getting off late. I offered to fuck him and make him sleepy tea when he got home, which definitely brightened his day.
After spending some time finishing my last post yesterday I was unbearably horny and needy. I got off thinking about O having been here and touching me so recently, and then I just felt worse. More guilt. More lonely. More isolated. More unworthy. I spent H’s shift trying to lose myself in reading fiction with limited success. When H got home we had yet another enthusiastic round…he asked me what got me so horny and I answered truthfully, thinking about O being here the previous night. Trying to put that out of my mind and hold on to finally feeling relaxed and even comfortable in my own skin, H might as well have bitch slapped me when he looked at me and offhandedly said, “See, playing can be a good thing!”
I wanted to disappear. Apparently H wasn’t expecting a response, thank goodness. H has literally no idea how horrible I feel about possibly having violated the trust between O and myself when O was here. The salt in the wound came this morning when H text me from work asking about my plans for the day. I let him know I wasn’t up to much and he suggested I hang out with O, as that has ‘worked out quite well for him’. Awesome, just the topic I am dutifully avoiding conversing (or if possible, even thinking) on! I went for a very high-level description so as to remain technically truthful while hopefully avoiding setting off any alarm bells and simply told H O has a date today and I doubt he would take me up on an offer to hang out. Then a quick pivot to assuring H I can certainly put him to good use when he gets home and I was back on firm ground in our conversation.
It’s strange how empty I’m now feeling after sex with my husband. I’ve felt thus at times previously I admit, but for different reasons. I felt hollow when I’ve been craving domination and trying to hide these needs from H. This cause-and-effect relationship allowed me to decide my feelings under the circumstances at least made sense. Now I’m feeling hollow because of how badly I want someone else when, at least at a shallow level, H is perfectly aware of this fact and encourages it. I’m too afraid of what would happen to read H in on just how deeply I care about O. I’m still trying to talk myself into believing it’s not that big of a deal. Right.
I constantly want to text O, want to reach out to him, want to feel okay about things between us. But I have no idea where to begin and am terrified of what I may learn if I do reach out. Not knowing leaves all possibilities open, but learning the truth narrows everything down to just the one thing you now have no choice but to deal with. I’m far too much of a coward to willingly proceed, even in spite of how much pain I’m in not knowing. So as usual, I’m selfishly doing all that I can to protect myself, even from those I care about deeply. Why trust the people I love when I can instead confide in my blog at no personal risk!? And on top of this mess, that couple is coming over again tomorrow and I’ll really have no way of backing out of hooking up the wife. Do I just get drunk again? Cuz repeatedly throwing up that night was SO fun last time.