So here’s the thing, the biggest issue with the wife is how much she reminds me of myself and things I’ve grown to hate within myself. I’m insecure, always have been. I don’t easily believe others want me, like me, care for me. Even when I’m finally convinced of such feelings, I see them as temporary and don’t trust that they will continue. That I’m deserving. The wife has significant anxiety issues. She didn’t graduate from high school. She has chronic migraines and because of that only works part-time. At first I thought I could see us as being friends because we have a lot in common, but now I realize all of those things cause me not to want to be friends with her; not to want to even expend the energy to text or talk with her. I don’t respect her because she seems so incredibly weak no matter what the situation or topic is. I don’t want to be the one who is looked up to, I want to surround myself with people I feel have strengths I don’t, people I feel can help support my becoming more the person I want to be. As I keep saying, it all comes down to how selfish I am.
It’s funny, I remember when I first started dating H I was concerned that he had an entitlement problem, possibly due to his family’s relative affluence. I learned pretty quickly that although he loves shiny things and new toys, he’s a hard worker and a responsible, trustworthy man. Really taking a look at myself, it seems after all this time I’m the one with the entitlement issue, and it’s nowhere near new. When I was with V I was outraged at all of the people who tried to separate us. I didn’t care that I was closer in age to his daughter than to him; I didn’t care that he was still married. I didn’t care about anything but getting what I needed at the time, and he gave me attention, told me he loved me. That we’d be together, get married, have babies, open a martial arts school together and live happily ever after. Obviously that’s not what happened. But I honestly thought, “Who do these people think they are? Telling me I have no RIGHT to be friends with a man because he’s married!? I have EVERY right.” And that’s continued to be my motto, “I have every right.” No consideration for the consequences on other people. Completely unwilling to consider reality and the possibility that I, in fact, do not have any such right to any relationship. Relationships take work because they are a privileged, something living which needs to be maintained over time.
Last night H and I watched the Gilmore Girls revival and I cried straight through the last three episodes. H was surprised and trying to understand why I was so upset about a T.V. show and we ended up talking late into the night about my issues with my past and difficulty opening up to others emotionally. We talked about how much fear I still live with and how our relationship can’t continue to grow because of the fear and barriers I haven’t been able to overcome. I acknowledged that H was completely right and explained that I’ve spent this whole year trying to figure these things out, even thought I had some of my fear issues figured out, and then realized I was wrong. I’ve been lost, wanting to overcome, let go, find closure, whatever but not knowing how. H pointed out all of the unreasonable expectations of myself I was expressing and that of course I couldn’t do everything on my own and need to rely on the people I love for support.
As our conversation wound down and I promised H I’d work on a new approach to trying to overcome the darkness of my past, he asked something along the lines if that is all that was bothering me. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I feel very off-balance with O and that I’ve come to rely on having him as a friend I can talk to about almost anything. H asked me why I feel off-balance, if it was because of what happened Thursday or before that? I admitted that I feel this way because of what happened Thursday and H asked me why I don’t talk to O about how I’m feeling? I told H that I don’t know what to say, and again he asked, “Why?” Why, indeed. I didn’t really have an answer for that one, but did tell H that I’m not sure if I initiated what happened that night or if O did, reminded H that O was very clear about not wanting to hook up with me any more and that I don’t know if he’s upset at me, at himself, or any number of other things. Again H told me I need to talk to O and asked why can’t I just talk to O like normal? I admitted that I could, and in fact did text with him briefly on Friday about a random topic, but that didn’t help resolve my feeling off-balance with O. H proceeded to point out that by not talking about what I’m concerned about I’m depriving myself of the opportunity to talk to O, so how is that worse than taking the chance that talking to him may result in that same outcome? Touche.
“You need to talk to him.”
When we woke up this morning H was quite ill with a cold. I immediately offered to cancel our plans with that couple and he agreed. I carefully hid my relief and proceeded to cancel on them with a 100% true reason. I thought it went reasonably well, and I even texted both of them (I rarely text the husband since admitting I’m not attracted to him) trying to smooth things over. However, this is not one of my strengths and the wife is SO incredibly insecure I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive a text from H forwarding a message the wife sent to him going on and on about how she doesn’t feel like I like her. H said he thinks we need to talk because she doesn’t understand that I’m just a more distant person than H is in how I communicate essentially. I told him I’d put some thought into that conversation, but surprisingly she just text me herself expressing the same concerns.
On the one hand maybe this is great, my way out. Part of the conversation H and I had last night included me explaining why carefully selecting the type of people I have in my life is so important to me and reminding him of what I look for in the people I spend time with, those I feel have strengths in areas in which I see myself as weaker. People I trust when I’m in a position that I don’t feel confident or strong in. H said that is understandable, the real issue is how I see myself. I totally see his point; however I have not expressed much impatience with how needy the wife is. I was thinking after he felt the need to forward her text to me this morning this would be a good opportunity for me to talk with him about how frustrated I feel communicating with her. But, he’s sick and unavailable until he’s off work and she just text me. I don’t want to express frustration with her before talking to him, and I certainly can’t ignore her message for 8 hours or so until I see him. So much for my golden opportunity out of this mess…
I guess I will try telling her something along the lines of my needing to think about this some because my communication style is obviously not working well for her and hopefully can buy enough time to talk to H. Maybe I will be able to avoid hooking up with her again after all. I feel like such an idiot. I spent hours last night talking to H, being vulnerable and talking about things which are difficult for me, confiding in him and working on possible problem-solving strategies together, and yet he still has no idea I don’t want to be involved with this couple. Admittedly I think he suspects from my behavior I’m not very invested, but he definitely isn’t aware of the extend of my apathy. All I really care about at the moment is the person I actually do want who I’m afraid to talk to in spite of this behavior not doing anyone any good.
O text me yesterday evening; I was able to read the message just from the preview on my phone and didn’t open it because I have ‘send read receipts’ on. It was still on my phone as an unread message earlier this morning. The ball is definitely in my court, although I kind of feel like it has been all along. Prior to my conversation with H last night I expected, at a minimum, weeks of silence between O and I. I didn’t think I would be ready to address where we stand in the foreseeable future, so like the selfish coward I am I simply expected silence. As H lead up to and allowed me to actually verbalize during last night’s conversation, it isn’t fair to shut out people who care about and have worked so hard to support me. They deserve better. So, I guess I’d better hurry up and figure out what to say to O. Today.