I did it, I talked with O today. He text me back without delay this morning when I finally responded to his message from yesterday evening. After chatting a bit I realized I had no idea how to ease into the topic, so I just put it out there.
“Are things okay between us? Do you think we should not hang out again? I feel like I may have been rather dense and I’m not sure if I owe you an apology”
O assured me we are good, that he had a great time with me Thursday and I worry too much. We dropped the subject fairly quickly and moved on to other topics as if nothing was different, which I admit was a huge relief.
O asked what I was up to today, which really only involved a trip to the store to buy soup for H since he isn’t feeling well. O said I’m a good wife and that he needs one of those. I agreed and offered to bring him soup if he gets sick in the meantime. He assured me that he isn’t sick but I’m always welcome at his place. I’ve never been there and we agreed that we will have to change that. Our conversation broke off for half an hour or so as I did my shopping, and then as I wasn’t expecting H to be off of work for over four hours yet I messaged O and asked if he wanted company. It turned out he wasn’t going to be around much longer, but I wasn’t bothered by it not working out. That’s when I became confident things were going to be okay.
Interestingly enough, H has apparently been giving some thought to the relationship between O and I as well, without my knowledge. When H came home I told him that I talked to O today and things are good between us. H asked a couple of questions and I elaborated on our brief conversation this morning. Then H surprised me by pointing out that O told me he didn’t think we should hook up any more after we made plans involving H being present, which was a significant departure from arrangements in the past. H said that he has obviously benefited from my hooking up with O recently, plus it makes me happy. So, H suggested I tell O that we can hook up without him being involved. I was honestly shocked!
After listening to the deafening silence in my brain for what felt like a week, I finally recovered enough to ask H if this was something he’d put some thought in to? H assured me that he had and that it wouldn’t bother him. This is quite different from the conversation we had a few months ago when H indicated it was of the highest importance that he be involved in whoever else was in our bed. There was always some tension between us when O and I hooked up in the past because H was being excluded from the experience. This time there wasn’t any tension between H and I after O was here; I guess now I know why.
Having convinced myself that H was sincere, I tried to think about discussing this with O.
Frankly I’m not sure how to do that. How do I tell a guy I care about so deeply that I can’t get enough of him and desperately want to be in his bed every day, and oh by the way my husband
has given his blessing!? My friend who is still fairly recently divorced and putting a noteworthy amount of effort in to dating and trying to find a girl to share his life with? It seems unreasonable to me to hope that, should O even be willing to consider such an arrangement, this would be possible without negatively impacting his search for his other half. That’s where I draw the line. I am not willing to hold him back from finding what he wants, what I can’t give him. And that issue aside, the more time I spend with O the more attached I will continue to get. I thought from the moment I met him he was going to break my heart, but he never has. If we did this, hooked up as much and as frequently as we wanted, it would feel like we were in a relationship. I would be heartbroken when it ended because it was time for him to be exclusive with a new girl. I can’t imagine ever wanting O less; I’m only ever going to continue to want him more. I can’t ignore that reality, no matter how much I want him.
So, in following the recent theme of identifying the many shades of my selfishness, I’m pretty sure I DO NOT want to tell O because it seems certain to cause me even greater pain in the future. I don’t want to take that risk. But I will. I care about O and being honest with him is important to me. I’m not sure how to relate what H said to me today, but I will find a way. Slip it in when we are flirting maybe, or next time we hang out. Just casually mention that H likes me spending time with O and let him ask follow-up questions, or not. Communicating this has me worried for both O’s happiness and my own. What a pain in the ass! Gotta admit I’m getting rather tired of not knowing what to say or how to communicate with people I care about.
…and HORNY! I am very horny. Frustrated horny; needy horny, desperate horny. Not fun horny. God, I haven’t stopped thinking about O since he was here Thursday. Knowing that H wants me to get fucked by him and submit to him as frequently as I want is definitely not helping with my out-of-control arousal! I’m barely holding it together enough to avoid literally begging O to fuck me RIGHT-THE-FUCK-NOW!
Wish me luck!