I made it home from work only about half an hour before H had to leave for a late shift tonight. He wanted to talk about a few things, he’d been thinking this morning. First, since I’m not really clicking with the wife, we should just not hang out with that couple anymore because he doesn’t want me to feel stressed/pressure or like I’m letting him down. YES! So relieved he thought about it and saw it this way. Very pleased to have that mess dealt with and behind us.
Second, H was under the impression I’m not finding our sex life fulfilling, that he isn’t enough for me, that I’m not getting what I want and need and happy from sex with him. I quickly assured him this isn’t the case, that in fact I’ve been wanting to focus more on our sex life and want to be having more sex than we have been, which he agreed with. Damn cold cock blocking us! Third, H thinks that I think he’s dumb and doesn’t realize how much I care about O. H says that when I talk about O it seems like I down-play my feelings. Thinking about this I realized when I talk about O, I’m thinking about O and probably unconsciously speaking in similar patterns as those I use with him. I absolutely try to minimize how much I want him and care about him when we are talking because I’m afraid of getting in the way of what he wants long-term. I explained this to H, that although I realize I need to continue to work on my communication skills, my intent is for H to know how much I care about O and how I feel about things between O and myself.
While I was trying to reassure H, he asked me a question which truly surprised me, “Do you wish that you weren’t with me so you could be with him?” No! I wouldn’t give up H and our life together for anything, I told him adamantly and from my heart. H seemed to accept this answer and I can’t explain how grateful I am that he just said what he was worried about so that we could address it. I am so lucky to have H, he is so good for me in so many ways. I reminded H about the conversation we had recently when I opened up about my issues again and we talked things through and worked on possible problem-solving ideas together. I’ve never had anyone I trusted like that, let alone someone I respect and whose brain works differently enough from mine that they could help me work through things like H does. I value him so deeply; I cherish H. I think H really needed to hear this, and I’m going to try to do a better job of communicating examples such as this to him.
H keeps asking me if I’ve told O what H said last week about O and I being free to hook up without involving H, and I’ve continued to tell H that I’ve kind of addressed it indirectly or hinted at the fact, but haven’t directly discussed it with O yet. And then I assure H that I will. I spent the first part of the evening texting with O, then went out to run an errand. I sent O a topless picture shortly thereafter O asked if I wanted to swing by for a little bit? YEAH, DUH!…always! I wasn’t sure what to expect as O made it clear he had fun when we messed around last week but we didn’t go all the way, and I had many ideas about possible reasons for that. If we just hung out like friends, no touching, I’d have been happy to spend time with him. If we hung out and cuddled, I’d still be thrilled to get to see him and spend time with him. If we hooked up, well, that’s rather a practical demonstration of what H wants me to talk to O about, right!?
I walked in and O immediately took me in his arms and began kissing me. I’ve never kissed anyone who kisses like him, soft and sensual, teasing and playing and taking the time to enjoy all of it. Unfortunately my attention was a bit divided as I did not expect such a welcome and I broke our make out sesh a few times by laughing at the T.V. which had Modern Family on. O asked if I’d like a tour as I haven’t been to his place before, and I accepted. His place is nice, comfortable and homey. After a brief tour ending with him showing me his bedroom, we made it about two steps away from the bedroom door before he had me against the wall kissing me again! Seriously, this guy is perfect. He blows my mind. I can’t even remember the last time a man kissed me against a wall…it’s been far too long! ❤
After a more intense make out sesh and him grabbing me, holding me, feeling me up, pressing himself against me he had me all worked up, and I definitely wasn’t the only one! O picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, set me down on the end of the bed and took our clothes off. He ate me out, played with my breasts and nipples and made sure I orgasmed multiple times. God, that man’s mouth! I remember thinking H was unbelievable at giving oral when we met, but poor guy is a FIRM second to O. He finally stood up at the end of the bed and took me…I probably moaned so loud the freaking Pope heard me when he finally sunk into me! I just don’t understand how he gets me so insanely worked up and I am certain I will never get enough of O. Between playing with my breasts and nipples, choking me and pulling my hair he was being plenty toppy without lowering sex to second priority as has sometimes been the case between us. While I always welcome his dominance, sex without pain is no consolation prize by any stretch of the imagination!
I didn’t bother to count how many times I came, I just wanted all of him and that’s exactly what he gave me. When I felt him cum inside of me it turned me on so much I had another orgasm. Somehow O always manages to surprise me with his tenderness in spite of how well I know he consistently demonstrates as much. He stayed buried inside of me and started gently kissing me again, on the lips, on my cheeks, on my neck, my ear, my hair. He is so gentle and, dare I say it, loving. No one has ever treated me so warmly as O does. I hate to say it, but refusing to name it only gives it more power, right?..O makes me feel loved.
Now, don’t get me wrong, H makes me feel very loved too, but in dramatically different ways. H is not a physically demonstrative person as O and myself are. O’s willingness and frequent initiation of physical contact between us makes we feel wanted and cared for in a way that just can’t quite be replicated through other methods. God, I could touch him forever and never have my fill. After indulging, we cleaned up and spent a couple hours cuddling on his couch, talking and watching T.V.
It’s funny how memory works; I feel like there’s so much I’ve forgotten in trying to accept that O was married and even innocent friendship between us was not an option. I sincerely and deeply like O; I like how he thinks, I enjoy hearing about his interests, his work, even talking about politics. I feel so deeply at ease with him, a gift unlike any other I’ve ever received or felt. Tonight I really remembered so many specific reasons why his friendship is so important to me; rather than just being able to identify ways he makes me feel which make him important to me, now I remember some of the examples of how and why. I felt like we had our first real chance to reconnect without any pressure after all the things that have changed since we first met. I was and still am so happy; spending a few hours with O made my week!
Next time we see one another in-person I’m going to broach the uncomfortable (for me at least) topic of H’s revised opinion of the relationship between O and myself. The problem is, by bringing up H’s endorsement of us hooking up as much as we want, I’m essentially asking O to commit to continuing to sleep with me. While I’d love to sleep together more, I am extremely wary of seeming needy and/or overstepping my bounds. I don’t want to ask too much of him or ever cause him to feel pressured by me in any way. By openly discussing what I want and the new option H has agreed to, I’ll be further acknowledging how much I want O. I do want him physically, but I’m starting to feel as though I need him as a friend. I think I need him to understand how serious I am about wanting our friendship not to have an expiration date; I want to ask him to be my friend regardless of what happens in his personal life. I don’t want to be cast out when he meets his next wife; I want to remain in his life. I hope that isn’t too much to ask.
So, I guess I have put enough thought in to this discussion to have an idea of what I need to relate; now I just need to do it. In spite of my lack of enthusiasm about this discussion I can honestly say I can’t wait to see O again, regardless of the setting or situation. Being in his presence always brings me joy. Boy do I have it bad! Here’s to the future…