I have always tended to view the world in absolutes. Our minds employ categorization extensively as a way of organizing the massive amounts of information, both internal and external, with which it is tasked to comprehend. Mine, in all it’s questionable genius, decided long ago that there need only be two outcomes for any given category. There is right/wrong yes/no male/female heterosexual/homosexual good/bad and on and on and on. There is no sliding scale, no 1 to 10. There is “things are okay” or “things are not okay”. There are two ‘boxes’ per category and everything in my experience falls into one or the other. Along this vein, I used to only ever have two limits; one, which was short-term and one which was permanent. In a way, I viewed this as truly only having one limit, for if a thing is transitory it can be overcome by time if nothing else. What were these limits? Simple: unconsciousness, and death.
I am a fighter, in spirit, by training, by choice. I choose to fight for what I believe in, and sometimes, even for what I want. I do not believe in giving up, in choosing to leave a battle for another to fight. Perhaps you wondered when I wrote about Pain how it’s possible for me to push myself so hard and to such extremes? This is how. No other choice has ever existed for me. I don’t choose to do this, I simply don’t know any other way; I don’t see any other way. I have lost consciousness my fair share of times, both during fights and when being abused by E. This limit always made sense to me; the body is programmed to lose consciousness once a certain physical point is reached beyond which the mind can no longer fight. This is biological, it’s not a choice. In my mind, that made it okay to accept this limit. I always did my very best, right up to the point of unconsciousness. Then, when I awoke, I continued on. Pushing, always pushing forward.
To continue this theme, I understood from an early age that death is an inescapable part of life – biological fact (growing up with an ill “parent” LFD who is always on the cusp of death will instill that lesson rather effectively). As I matured, I came to accept that I cannot defeat death. This is a limit I must accept. I can even pinpoint when this acceptance occurred, it was thanks to E. I recall with clarity his anger toward me – in this particular instance I was backed up against a wall, cowering more or less, while he berated me. I made a conscious effort to loosen the muscles in my shoulders which cause me such intense pain, and he was infuriated. He took this relaxation in my posture as some sort of challenge and went crazy. Within an instant of consciously relaxing those muscles, I realized I was not going to leave E’s apartment alive, and I accepted it. I accepted that death was finally about to embrace me, and I was at peace. The abuse would end, I would be released from my internal conflict and relieved of all earthly responsibility. I was ready.
Obviously, E did not end up taking my life that day. But every time after that when he truly started to lose control beyond his usual affect, it got easier and easier to accept the idea of my own death. This is when death became my second, and truer, limit. I prided myself on my “I’ll try anything once” attitude. I didn’t think I was invincible, I was just wiling to endure anything to decide what box it fit in – good/bad, etc. My life made sense this way. It was easy to judge things, actions, people, myself. With no gray in sight I could make snap judgements, snap decisions, and never have any regrets. It’s been over a year now since I wrote about Limits and I’m starting to understand how I’m growing and changing. It’s not just about sex, it’s about who I am and how I perceive the world (and people) around me. Zen is all about purging one’s mind of the ‘other’ and all of the dualities, even to include male/female, we unconsciously base our lives around. The more I learn, the more I find my inner self at peace with the ideals of Zen. It is undoubtedly a lifelong journey, but one through which I hope to gain peace.
How does all of this fit in to BDSM? Honestly, I don’t think BDSM could exist in a world of black and white. Then it would just be abuse, right? While obviously, when done safely and consensually, it is not. A newbie though I may be, BDSM seems to be a world created from the gray. In my experiences, thoughts and feelings at least, there is no black or white in BDSM – or even in pain for that matter. So now, I choose to bold go into the gray. To seek out new understanding and wisdom. It may not be the final frontier, where no man has gone before, but it is where I have never gone before. For now, that is more than enough undiscovered country to explore. More than enough motivation to seek out more than I am now.
Sorry for all the Star Trek references there at the end…I simply couldn’t resist! Perhaps a clue as to my crazy fangirl side when it comes to that…! 😛 Also, I’m toying with the idea of trying to write FanFiction, which I’ve never done before. But H recently accused me of doing that when I was blogging and I thought perhaps it was worth a try. If I do, should I start a separate blog or just add a FF category here? No promises as to whether or not BDSM would be involved…take the poll and let me know what you think! Thanks ❤