Masturbation Epiphany

Is it strange that I had an epiphany while masturbating the other day? Either way, I did…

I was fantasizing about being dominated, as usual, by Mr. Casual Friday, as usual, and suddenly I understood why my attraction to him is so all-encompassing, overpowering and overwhelming in a way I’ve never experienced before. Sure  I found him sexually attractive the first time I laid eyes on in (in a job interview!) and sure this is not the first time my attraction to someone has grown as I’ve gotten to know them better, but the sheer magnitude of my desire for him has continued to confound me, until now.

I finally understand what’s going on here, why I’m in so deep. While I am sexually attracted to MCF, I am well aware that simple attraction does not affect me like this – case in point, I’ve never felt even remotely like this toward H. But MCF sets my blood on fire, steals my breath and empties the constantly swirling kaleidoscope from my mind. I suddenly find my nerves alight and begging, my mind quiet and serene, and my spirit open and welcoming. I don’t just want him, his body or his personality, I want to submit to him – I want to  belong to him. 

This does not take away anything from my relationship with H, dominance and submission simply isn’t part of what we have and what we share. I’m starting to recognize that, even if I may not be ready to accept it quite yet. We’ve all heard of “gaydar” which I profess I am utterly lacking in…anyway, does such a thing exist in the kink community? Or is there some universal chemistry or something between people, even just once in a while, some sort of connection where you can just look into someone’s eyes and want to give them what they want from you? Where you can know that this other person wants to give you exactly what you need to give to them? Maybe I’m being ridiculous, maybe this is totally one-sided and unrequited. Even if that isn’t the case, it doesn’t change anything. I wonder, now that I know what this is that I’m experiencing, will it be any easier to handle?