Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…

Swinging, BDSM, Kink & Polyamory – The Story of Me

Here I sit, glass of wine in hand, after a solid work out at the gym. I had a very difficult day at work today, although I came out of it smelling like a rose and having actually increased my esteem in a couple of people’s eyes including my boss. H is out of town on a family vacation that I opted out of – I went last year and didn’t enjoy myself. I miss him, but I am really enjoying the solitude. It’s a nice change for there to be no pressure. I don’t have to do or say the right things, or use the right tone. The T.V. hasn’t been on once since he left, and I find the lack of noise relaxing. My day at work was challenging on a personal level. I had two very uncomfortable conversations with two different people who are higher than me in the food chain. After both discussions these individuals agreed with everything I’d done, but I really did not want to discuss either topic. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great to affirm others’ support of me and my work. But discussing things I find emotionally draining at work was not on my to-do list, thank you very much!

 

Aside from having a difficult day, I’ve been extremely preoccupied with the couple H and I met last weekend, B & his wife. I’m finding this to be both good and bad. If you’ve read my post The Beginning you’re aware that last month H and I met a different couple. This morning, right at 8:00 a.m. when I was starting work, the girl from the first couple (who happens to have the same first name as I do) sent me a text wanting to arrange a play date. After meeting that couple I found the chemistry lacking with her fiancee and am not really interested in playing with him. On top of that, I am very interested in B and his wife. My inner poly is screaming at me not to mess this up. H and I haven’t even played with B and his wife yet, we only met once for drinks and have been texting for almost a week, yet I want so much from them. I think I’m starting to sound like a broken record…we meet, I fall hard, I want more, I move on. Perhaps that’s the way it’s suppose to be with swinging, super intense and exciting and running its course quickly as well. I’m not sure, but I think I’d be happier in a long term arrangement. B and his wife are far less experienced than H and I, in fact they have never even had a foursome. They have only had M/F/F threesomes in the past. B’s wife says she likes H so much that she is comfortable with a foursome, and after talking to her quite a bit I believe her. At this point I’m more concerned H isn’t as attracted to her as he claims to be and that will be the break down in our four way chemistry.

 

Even if our chemistry continues to be great, I’m also afraid of scaring off B & his wife. I’m kinky – it’s a fact. I can hide it some, but not completely. And more importantly, I don’t want to hide it. I’m sick and tired of hiding. My kinks and my need to submit are desires, some are needs, but they are not requirements I hold of others. If they were I would never have married H! Speaking of H, I have never explicitly admitted my polyamorous desires to him. He may have picked up on it, but I’m not sure. When we started swinging I was all for wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am style, but H wanted friendship and ongoing playmates. I of course didn’t object, but we’ve had little to no success in having ongoing playmates despite our best attempts. Things just keep not working out. Which is fine, we’ve been very happy overall with our swinging experiences. But H still was seeking more, and I think B & his wife might be the right fit. Here’s my fear – what if I lose control of my polyamorous desires? What if it comes out that I want something that isn’t casual or just friends-with-benefits and I’m the only one? Or perhaps worse, B & his wife agree and only H doesn’t want it? These issues have been swirling in my mind all day. Added on top of my tiring work day and I get my current mood. I’m feeling exhausted and worn down. What I think of as my “sub zone” has a full force grip on me, I’m desperate to be humiliated and beaten, forced to beg and cry. I need used and cared for. I need to feel completely accepted and free. That’s what BDSM means to me. If only I had that in my life.

 

Last night B & his wife both texted me all day while we worked and all evening until we all went to bed. Or should I say “sexted” me, because that would be far more accurate. We traded a LOT of hot pictures, teased and tortured ourselves. We talked a lot about things we like and what we might want to try. I was so horny I accidentally admitted quite a few things I had intended not to share – such as how much I enjoy DP, my butt plug and a few stories of some of the more extreme sounding experiences H and I have had. Luckily B & his wife seemed to not only take it all in stride, they seemed interested in pushing their boundaries. I thoroughly enjoyed our texting/sexting marathon yesterday, but today I just felt hollow. I did text with both B & his wife some today, but not a ton due to my busy day at work and the mood I’ve been in afterward. I hoped getting a good work out in at the gym would lift my spirits and help me feel more positive, but alas it did not. The wine is also failing to erase my woes – guess I’m not an alcoholic! I know, I know, that joke was in poor taste. What can I say? I just don’t care at the moment.

 

Back to the topic of polyamory – a big part of why I haven’t talked with H about these desires I have is because if something does develop between us and another person or another couple, I want it to happen naturally. I don’t want H or anyone else to feel pressured, and I don’t want to add the stress of expectations or even hope to budding friendships (or whatever new playmates should be called!). B & his wife both said that they want to be friends, not just playmates and H & I believe them. After we met for drinks last weekend, H even told me a couple of times that he thinks B & his wife would be fun to just hang out with, and I completely agree. I’m finding it difficult however to talk with B and his wife so much without revealing more of myself. I have a lot of trust issues which B & his wife know nothing about at this point. Really they know nothing of importance about me – it’s all about the ‘fun’ stuff right now. Which I suppose is how it should be, except that B and his wife both keep making comments about how they want to be friends too. These comments are often enough that they seem to both have some level of investment in the outcome already, even without any sex having taken place. On the one hand I’m thrilled about that, as it’s likely a good sign for my poly desires, and even if not, I could certainly always use more true friends. On the other hand, I want so much from them that I’m finding it extremely difficult to put on the usual front of happy-go-lucky my life is nothing but awesome. I want to have real conversations with B & his wife; I want to confide in them, I want to trust them. But I can’t, at least not yet. What a quandary! I don’t know how things will go, or what may be in store for us. The good news is tomorrow is a new day, and with any luck I will be back to being grateful for having met B & his wife and let all of my concerns go until such a time it is proper to bring them to light. Wish me luck!

The Beginning

Last night H and I met a new couple!!! It was very exciting, more exciting than ever before in fact. Shhh! inner-poly, shhh! Anyway, we had actually met a new couple last month while I was sick and played just a little bit one evening. I’ve been meaning to write about that, but haven’t gotten around to it. The funny thing about that couple is that she and I have the same name. When we met, I really liked her but wasn’t attracted to him. She and I played just a little bit while the guys lent us a hand 😉 but I wasn’t feeling the connection I’d hoped for. So, we haven’t seen them since.

We have profiles on a couple of swinging websites, and we’ve been having trouble with someone stealing our pics and sending them as if they are us. Turns out that happened to a couple in our area a few months ago. Yesterday B contacted us and let us know. This led to us chatting all day then meeting last night! I must admit I have a serious crush on B at this point, and his wife is gorgeous also! We spent close to 3 hours talking last night and agreed that we want to pursue playing together. I haven’t heard from them today, but I also haven’t messaged them. It’s strange but I’m not sure how to proceed. I literally can’t wait to play with them both and I’m so horny I could barely sleep last night, but I don’t want to send them running either. I worry about coming on too strong. They seem like the best imaginable match for us, and live so close by that we would easily be able to see each other as often as we like. I really hope we play soon and that it’s as fun as I’m anticipating!

On another note, for anyone who’s read Spontaneity for the Win! C did indeed message me and say, “That night was fun, but thinking about it, I don’t want to do that again. Sorry. Good luck with everything.” I said, “No worries” to which he responded, “Ok”. So, I guess there won’t be a repeat performance. I really wanted more details, however I didn’t want to put any pressure on C since it was suppose to be about fun. At least H and I knocked out some fantasies in the process 😉 Hopefully we will meet up with B and his wife to play soon and I’ll have more to tell!

Calling All Bisexual Doms

As my blog discusses, I’m hoping that my husband H may eventually become my Dom. I don’t have super high hopes of success for a variety of reasons, but one in particular bears further exploration I think. H and I are both bisexual, and while I am fine with all varieties of pairings (and moresomes), H has never topped with another guy, only bottomed. H had never even experimented with guys prior to meeting me, but it seemed a rather short move from pegging to involving a real bi guy in a threesome.

Again, I don’t have a problem with this. M/M doesn’t bother me, and I don’t disrespect H for bottoming. But he’s never expressed a desire to top either. I’m not sure if he is uncomfortable with that since if he wants anal he can get it from me, and thinks he shouldn’t express interest in topping a guy, if H simply isn’t interested in topping a guy, or if there’s something else going on. The other thing is when we’ve had threesomes and H has bottomed, he’s always lost his erection. He seems to enjoy it, moaning and so on, but he doesn’t get or stay hard. This is true when I peg him too. He also hasn’t ever cum from being penetrated that I’m aware of.

Typically we have very open communication about what we like, don’t like, what we want and fantasize about, etc. But in this case I don’t know how to bring it up and I don’t know what I would say. I also know that H rarely identifies as bisexual. What I don’t know is why. In the lifestyle, M/F and F/F play is accepted but M/M play is all but prohibited. I’m not sure if H just doesn’t want to drive away potential playmates, or if there’s more to the story? So, I’m probably about to the point where I need to admit I understand everyone’s sexuality is their own and I can only get the answers to my questions about H’s sexuality by taking to him. Agreed. But, here’s my question and the reason for my discussion in this forum: are there any bisexual Doms out there who like to bottom when playing with another guy? If so, is it “vanilla” bottoming or deeper levels of submission? Also, not personally knowing much about M/M sex, do you ever lose your erection while bottoming? Does that affect your enjoyment of that particular sex act?

Basically, I’m trying to figure out (from a variety of angles) if H may become a Dom or if it truly isn’t for him. I love H and I don’t want to push him for something he doesn’t want or won’t be happy with, but I am finally realizing that my need to submit is a part of me, and not something I can ignore or wish away. Any comments/thoughts/experiences/ideas on any of these subjects are more than welcome. Thank you in advance for any insight you may be able to provide!