Last weekend H arranged for me to hook up with a guy he found online. I’d chatted briefly with this guy months ago, but our schedules were consistently opposite so I didn’t put much energy in to getting to know … Continue reading
So here’s the thing, the biggest issue with the wife is how much she reminds me of myself and things I’ve grown to hate within myself. I’m insecure, always have been. I don’t easily believe others want me, like me, care for me. Even when I’m finally convinced of such feelings, I see them as temporary and don’t trust that they will continue. That I’m deserving. The wife has significant anxiety issues. She didn’t graduate from high school. She has chronic migraines and because of that only works part-time. At first I thought I could see us as being friends because we have a lot in common, but now I realize all of those things cause me not to want to be friends with her; not to want to even expend the energy to text or talk with her. I don’t respect her because she seems so incredibly weak no matter what the situation or topic is. I don’t want to be the one who is looked up to, I want to surround myself with people I feel have strengths I don’t, people I feel can help support my becoming more the person I want to be. As I keep saying, it all comes down to how selfish I am.
It’s funny, I remember when I first started dating H I was concerned that he had an entitlement problem, possibly due to his family’s relative affluence. I learned pretty quickly that although he loves shiny things and new toys, he’s a hard worker and a responsible, trustworthy man. Really taking a look at myself, it seems after all this time I’m the one with the entitlement issue, and it’s nowhere near new. When I was with V I was outraged at all of the people who tried to separate us. I didn’t care that I was closer in age to his daughter than to him; I didn’t care that he was still married. I didn’t care about anything but getting what I needed at the time, and he gave me attention, told me he loved me. That we’d be together, get married, have babies, open a martial arts school together and live happily ever after. Obviously that’s not what happened. But I honestly thought, “Who do these people think they are? Telling me I have no RIGHT to be friends with a man because he’s married!? I have EVERY right.” And that’s continued to be my motto, “I have every right.” No consideration for the consequences on other people. Completely unwilling to consider reality and the possibility that I, in fact, do not have any such right to any relationship. Relationships take work because they are a privileged, something living which needs to be maintained over time.
Last night H and I watched the Gilmore Girls revival and I cried straight through the last three episodes. H was surprised and trying to understand why I was so upset about a T.V. show and we ended up talking late into the night about my issues with my past and difficulty opening up to others emotionally. We talked about how much fear I still live with and how our relationship can’t continue to grow because of the fear and barriers I haven’t been able to overcome. I acknowledged that H was completely right and explained that I’ve spent this whole year trying to figure these things out, even thought I had some of my fear issues figured out, and then realized I was wrong. I’ve been lost, wanting to overcome, let go, find closure, whatever but not knowing how. H pointed out all of the unreasonable expectations of myself I was expressing and that of course I couldn’t do everything on my own and need to rely on the people I love for support.
As our conversation wound down and I promised H I’d work on a new approach to trying to overcome the darkness of my past, he asked something along the lines if that is all that was bothering me. Taking a deep breath, I admitted that I feel very off-balance with O and that I’ve come to rely on having him as a friend I can talk to about almost anything. H asked me why I feel off-balance, if it was because of what happened Thursday or before that? I admitted that I feel this way because of what happened Thursday and H asked me why I don’t talk to O about how I’m feeling? I told H that I don’t know what to say, and again he asked, “Why?” Why, indeed. I didn’t really have an answer for that one, but did tell H that I’m not sure if I initiated what happened that night or if O did, reminded H that O was very clear about not wanting to hook up with me any more and that I don’t know if he’s upset at me, at himself, or any number of other things. Again H told me I need to talk to O and asked why can’t I just talk to O like normal? I admitted that I could, and in fact did text with him briefly on Friday about a random topic, but that didn’t help resolve my feeling off-balance with O. H proceeded to point out that by not talking about what I’m concerned about I’m depriving myself of the opportunity to talk to O, so how is that worse than taking the chance that talking to him may result in that same outcome? Touche.
“You need to talk to him.”
When we woke up this morning H was quite ill with a cold. I immediately offered to cancel our plans with that couple and he agreed. I carefully hid my relief and proceeded to cancel on them with a 100% true reason. I thought it went reasonably well, and I even texted both of them (I rarely text the husband since admitting I’m not attracted to him) trying to smooth things over. However, this is not one of my strengths and the wife is SO incredibly insecure I shouldn’t have been surprised to receive a text from H forwarding a message the wife sent to him going on and on about how she doesn’t feel like I like her. H said he thinks we need to talk because she doesn’t understand that I’m just a more distant person than H is in how I communicate essentially. I told him I’d put some thought into that conversation, but surprisingly she just text me herself expressing the same concerns.
On the one hand maybe this is great, my way out. Part of the conversation H and I had last night included me explaining why carefully selecting the type of people I have in my life is so important to me and reminding him of what I look for in the people I spend time with, those I feel have strengths in areas in which I see myself as weaker. People I trust when I’m in a position that I don’t feel confident or strong in. H said that is understandable, the real issue is how I see myself. I totally see his point; however I have not expressed much impatience with how needy the wife is. I was thinking after he felt the need to forward her text to me this morning this would be a good opportunity for me to talk with him about how frustrated I feel communicating with her. But, he’s sick and unavailable until he’s off work and she just text me. I don’t want to express frustration with her before talking to him, and I certainly can’t ignore her message for 8 hours or so until I see him. So much for my golden opportunity out of this mess…
I guess I will try telling her something along the lines of my needing to think about this some because my communication style is obviously not working well for her and hopefully can buy enough time to talk to H. Maybe I will be able to avoid hooking up with her again after all. I feel like such an idiot. I spent hours last night talking to H, being vulnerable and talking about things which are difficult for me, confiding in him and working on possible problem-solving strategies together, and yet he still has no idea I don’t want to be involved with this couple. Admittedly I think he suspects from my behavior I’m not very invested, but he definitely isn’t aware of the extend of my apathy. All I really care about at the moment is the person I actually do want who I’m afraid to talk to in spite of this behavior not doing anyone any good.
O text me yesterday evening; I was able to read the message just from the preview on my phone and didn’t open it because I have ‘send read receipts’ on. It was still on my phone as an unread message earlier this morning. The ball is definitely in my court, although I kind of feel like it has been all along. Prior to my conversation with H last night I expected, at a minimum, weeks of silence between O and I. I didn’t think I would be ready to address where we stand in the foreseeable future, so like the selfish coward I am I simply expected silence. As H lead up to and allowed me to actually verbalize during last night’s conversation, it isn’t fair to shut out people who care about and have worked so hard to support me. They deserve better. So, I guess I’d better hurry up and figure out what to say to O. Today.
I wonder, is my pervasive selfishness simply derived from my extensive cowardice? I’m too afraid to take risks or do anything which could affect me deeply. Even in my marriage a cycle exists of me opening up to H, … Continue reading
Last week H and I continued a conversation which we’ve had in pieces a couple of times since the cloverleaf‘s dissolution. Unfortunately, I failed to communicate clearly in the past and was under the mistaken impression that we were on the … Continue reading
Last weekend H invited a new guy over to play. I left picking the person completely up to H; I still don’t know the most basic things about him such as his name or age. I know he said he … Continue reading
Last weekend H and I met up with our newest playmates at their place. We started out with a round of drinks, but before any of us could finish we unanimously relocated to the bedroom. Last time when we met, they … Continue reading
After our experiences with the Cloverleaf H was adamant that he never wanted anything like that again; he made it clear that although he was still interested in swinging he did not want other relationships. Last summer when I brought … Continue reading
I’m in pain. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I did something stupid on Friday. So much for impulse control being a good thing! I gave MCF a box of chocolates, left them on his desk while he was in a meeting. I bought them and brought them to work to eat, then I decided not to since I’m allergic to chocolate. I’ve occasionally left small things for MCF over the past year or so. Sometimes a muffin or doughnut, a soda, etc. It didn’t occur to me until far too late that chocolates are what you give a romantic interest. Now, what are the chances that my investigator-turned manager mentor whom I just so happen to have a crush on has failed to notice over the past year and a half plus that I can’t speak to him without blushing!? I may be in deep shit here with my mentor 😦
I had an appointment with a new pain care specialist to get a second opinion today. It did not go well. I wanted to die after she told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m in my 20’s living in agony and she tells me I just need to learn a few exercises at physical therapy and I’ll be fine!? As if the two rounds of a year plus I’ve spent in physical therapy meant nothing. I spent all day wanting to hurt myself, thinking about hurting myself. Was seriously tempted to take the box cutter at my desk to myself just for a second of relief. I didn’t, but I still might. You know, at home. Not at work where it could end my career if I got caught. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who understands that? Someone I could trust to give me pain when I need it and take care of me so I never had to hurt myself or think about hurting myself? I wonder if I’ll ever know. I doubt it.
I finally told H last night that I don’t want to play with BWC any more, that there’s no chemistry. I told BWC tonight and he freaked the fuck out. Then H spent hours messaging him pretending to be me cuz H was worried if I was honest BWC would harm us in some way as he has pictures of both of us apparently. So H told me what to say. Fuck my life. I can’t even be myself with random hookups and tell them to go away or ignore them without the risk of being blackmailed!? I am so done. I haven’t eaten a bite today, I threw up twice after my doctor’s appointment at work and my stomach has been in knots ever since. I never did get a dose of pain in any helpful form. And now somehow I have to pull my shit together to work all day again tomorrow. I literally cried for an hour and a half at work after my appointment this morning. Luckily the bosses were in a two hour meeting and missed all of it, but still. It was fucking embarrassing. I do not want to be that person, ever. God, the more I think about any part of this day the more I want to be dead.
I learned so much from my cloverleaf; I’ve grown and changed in ways that make me proud. Accepting my polyamorous nature has brought about a sense of inner peace, a quiet contentment replacing much of my feelings of inadequacy and … Continue reading
Faith, Hope, Love & Luck
What better symbol could there be for a polyamorous foursome? Faith is an integral part of any relationship. I must have faith that I’m good enough for my partner(s), that I deserve happiness, faith that my partner(s) want me and faith in our commitment to one another. Faith that my partner(s) won’t leave me. Hope is equally key for happiness. Relationships are a lot of work, there are always going to be bad times along with the good times. Without hope for the future, what would be the point of continuing? Love is perhaps obvious, but so many people have loveless relationships I believe this should never be overlooked. I can admit in the privacy of my own head (and apparently blog!) that I crave love, I need it as I need air. I’m also terrified of love; falling in love with H nearly destroyed me. Unfortunately I’m greedy, now that I have a taste I want more, more, more! I want the friendship, the intimacy, the lover, and I want it so much I can’t help but want more people who truly know me, accept me and want me. No surprise I’d be poly huh? The last leaf of the four leaf clover represents luck, and who couldn’t use more of that in life!?
Tomorrow H and I are going to spend the day with B and his wife. We’ve all met up a couple of times in public to spend time together; B and I have seen each other some one-on-one but in public, and H and B’s wife have had lunch and seen each other a time or two in addition to that, but again, always in public. Tomorrow H and I are going to their place to drink, relax, get to know each other and probably get intimate for the first time. We already talked about matters of protection and made sure all parties were in agreement, so we are all looking forward to enjoying one another. I’m extremely excited, but I’m also nervous. I want this so badly, and I’m not sure if we are all as compatible as my gut says we are. What if I’m just fooling myself? I also noticed that although I talk about B regularly with H, he never mentions B’s wife even though I know they talk every day. I asked him about it last night and he said he hadn’t really though about it, but that she was coming on strong and he didn’t want the pressure of feeling he and she are dating. B and I feel like we are dating and agree that it’s enjoyable, but H is feeling pressured which is less than ideal.
H told me that he understands B’s wife has a lot of freedom at work, but things at his work have been extremely busy and stressful lately so the timing is bad for her to constantly be wanting attention from him. B’s wife is also a bit jealous of the time B and I have spent one-on-one since she and I haven’t had that opportunity, which likely makes her want attention from H that much more. H assured me that he is still attracted to B’s wife and wants to become friends; H is still happy with the direction things are heading, he just needs a chance to become more comfortable with B’s wife. I felt both relief and new concern after H and I talked about this situation. I am glad that he is still interested but concerned H wouldn’t want a true polyamorous relationship. This concern isn’t new, but I had set it aside as all indications were that H is open to wherever things between us may go. However, if he doesn’t want to date, does that mean he only wants friends with benefits? Because I want more than that.
It’s possible that H would enjoy polyamory and just doesn’t like the awkwardness of getting to know people on the front end, so that’s what I’m hoping at this point. If he truly isn’t comfortable with deeper relationships between us it’s going to be very difficult for B and I to be just friends or even casual sex partners. My submissive nature complicates things further; B has a dominant side but no BDSM experience. And my only experiences were under abusive circumstances rather than consensual ones, so not really BDSM at all.
H & B both know I am submissive, but I think B has a better understanding of my needs and desires than H does. B’s wife and I have not discussed anything personal about myself yet – truth be told, I really only have the energy to build one intimate relationship at a time, so B’s wife has to wait in line! I truly like her and enjoy talking to her, but we haven’t really begun becoming close yet. I am certain that will happen if things between us remain stable and don’t evaporate before we really even begin. B and I talked a lot tonight and he seems genuine in his desire for a D/s dynamic between us, but we are not anywhere near ready for that yet. I must admit though, it’s a nice change to have a guy I care about want to use and dominate me! I hope we get to explore the world of BDSM together eventually.
That’s all for now on the cloverleaf, more to come after tomorrow! Hopefully there will still be a cloverleaf after tomorrow..! Wish us luck 🙂