I Deserve…?

I’m just gonna say it…

THERAPY SUCKS!!!

Lol. It’s totally worth it when I’m lucky enough to have found the right person to work with and I’ve made huge amounts of progress this year and am unquestionably seeing benefits, but it’s so fucking hard! And for the most part incredibly painful, demoralizing and just generally crushing to actually face and *deal with* all the shit locked up inside myself.

I find meditation to be a more and more useful tool the longer and more consistently I use it – I get help managing my pain level, dealing with strong emotions, working through trauma and even just quieting my mind and body so I can rest. I’m discovering this indescribable freedom in my own mind, where there don’t have to be limits. I’ve loved space my whole life and became a Star Trek fan at a young age. I was fascinated around 3-4 years old when I learned of a theory that space is folded over on itself because I immediately wondered, if space is folded, then what’s around it!? And whatever that is…what’s beyond that!? This is my earliest memory regarding the idea of infinity. Around the same age LFD asked me what I though would happen if something changed from three dimensional to two dimensional right in front of me…would there be sparks!? Fireworks!? A loud crack noise perhaps? Would flames erupt? Among all of the magical effects he suggested, I was unconvinced and hesitantly responded, “No…I don’t think anything like that would happen…” and that’s when he took a strip of paper and introduced me to the Mobius Strip.

So, perhaps it should come as no surprise that my mental landscape is space; where I can use the impossibility of truly comprehending its vastness, diversity and beauty to release all of the limits I face in reality, both internal and external. In my mind at least, space IS infinite. No matter how overwhelming my feelings get, when I go there in my meditation, there is ALWAYS enough room. There is always enough space to hold whatever it is I need to release, and letting go of it in this way doesn’t mean it’s truly GONE nor lost in any way, but rather just that there is space for it without my having to hold it in…I can still come back to it, I don’t even have to leave it in the first place, only externalize it and in this way am able to release the burden of being overwhelmed and crushed by the forces with which I am struggling to manage. From the day S1E1 aired, I have always found the opening for Star Trek Enterprise to be extremely inspirational and a source of strength when I am struggling.

For most of my life I have struggled with feeling trapped in my body to varying degrees. It has been particularly brutal since my spinal injury, but I have made a lot of progress. Most of the time lately I feel grateful that I am still seeing signs of improvement even more than 18 months after my spinal surgery. I prioritize my physical, mental and emotional health to the best of my ability and have felt that this focus is essentially my full time job for some time – it’s extremely rewarding to find myself able to do more and suffer through less pain with less rest and recovery time needed as well. That said, it is still extremely frustrating to be 32 and disabled, spending the majority of my time in bed resting my neck. It’s incredibly isolating and emotionally exhausting for one naturally so extremely extroverted as myself.

It was during meditation a few weeks ago that I realized I felt closeted, hiding my gender identity out of fear. I’d made so much progress this year in therapy and was feeling so positive on a surface level, but my soul was not at peace. So I went searching internally, purposefully looking for what was hurting inside me. It’s continuously mind blowing to me to realize just how much I reflexively suppress in a misguided attempt to protect myself from having to deal with things should they rise to a conscious level. I honestly thought having figured out years ago that I am nonbinary that all which mattered to me was ME knowing who I am, that I didn’t care how the rest of the world sees me. There are advantages to being seen as an attractive young woman in our culture, and I have most certainly benefited from being perceived as such most of my life. I am also a survivor of horrific abuse, which I have suffered in one form or another nearly my entire life. Some of this likely would’ve been different had I been born male. Some of it wouldn’t have. But the point is I wasn’t even consciously AWARE of these feelings, the overpowering FEAR of being open about my gender identity, the fact that I felt like I was hiding this huge part of who I am in a closet…the people closest to me knew and I’d thought that was enough. Now as I’m facing showing this side of myself, there is fear, but there is also a sense of relief, some excitement and joy, some frustration and so many other things. However I am now actively CHOOSING to be authentic and express that in new ways, something which wouldn’t have been possible without the infinite space which was necessary for me to be able to consciously acknowledge the absolutely consuming fear I was feeling in relation to my gender identity. I couldn’t help but wonder, considering the extreme violence and abuse I’ve had to endure from a relative position of privilege being perceived as a straight cis woman, what was going to happen to me if I shed this skin and let the world know that NONE of those things are who I am?

Luckily I’ve never been one to let fear determine my choices! I learned something I suspect may be equally as profound in my meditation today. I began with exploring the idea that my body does not define me. This is a belief with which my feelings still often conflict, so I’ve been trying to find my way through the Gordian Knot of feelings which tell me my body is who I am. While meditating on this, a new thought came to me: how others perceive me ALSO does *not* define me! I was thinking about reflections and shadows I’ve seen at times when I felt the most like me, typically on my motorcycle although today I also thought about being on a horse, having spent my entire youth as an extremely active equestrian. Then this new notion arrived, I guess I must have finally been ready for it. Is this more or less powerful than the idea that my body does not define me? Because nearly all of the issues I have with my body are based in culture, perception and how others interact with me. Don’t get me wrong, there is still some gender dysphoria in there because all else aside I would still be deeply horrified, in a way for which there are no adequate words aside from ‘gender dysphoria,’ by the fact that I have the necessary plumbing to bear a child. However, without all of the cultural elements this would be a vanishingly small difficulty compared to my gender issues now.

I saw the movie ‘Hallelujah: Leonard Cohen, A Journey, A Song’ recently and was deeply moved by how much I related to everything! I feel I understand Cohen’s search for meaning in life, relate to how he feels about sex, know what it’s like to feel so deeply and be driven by spiritual *need* one does not yet understand. I can only hope my story end half as well as his; he finally found that inner peace in the end for which I am still striving. Perhaps this new concept of not allowing how others perceive me to define me will be my next step on a similar journey!

I still seek to get to a place where I FEEL that I deserve better than I’ve ever been able to allow myself to have, but at least I’ve made progress on the thinking side of that and in my head do believe I deserve better.

Better than being afraid to say ‘no’ when I don’t want to have sex (which I DO now!)

Better than using sex in the hopes of stopping someone from abandoning me (recent realization so this may take some time yet)

Better than being abandoned

Better than someone who truly doesn’t have time for me

Better than an affair with someone who’s married

Better than being abused, in ANY form

Better than being excluded or ignored

Better than being taken for granted

Better than being judged just because I’m different

Better than being resented for limitations due to my health

Better than living with fear

So ya know, I don’t ask for MUCH! Lol. Lofty goals no doubt, but worthy ones! And before this year I’d never even considered what I deserve, so this is already a lot of progress! I also freely admit the thinking part is the easier one to convince, but even realizing I wanted to believe and feel these things was an enormous hurdle so as far as I’m concerned I’m on the downhill slope with only my feelings left!!!

…even so, wish me luck!

Perspective

I just had a shattering realization – I am absolutely *desperate* for Mr. Trouble to know how I feel – that I’m completely, hopelessly, utterly in love with him, with ALL of him. The good, the bad, everything. I love him for who he is, his strengths and his weaknesses, not for who I want him to be.

And I am not AT ALL SURE I’m okay with him knowing how consuming my love for him is…

He came to my new place for the first time Monday afternoon. It was last minute but the timing just lined up!

So many times over the last nearly three months since I moved I’ve found myself laying in bed and absolutely HATING the fact that Mr. Trouble had never been here. I wanted him here, in my space, finally seeing the side of myself I feel safe enough to express in my own home. It surprised me, the pain that sliced through me when Mr. Trouble said something indicating he thought I’d decorated the guest room at my folks’ place where I was living before…he had no way of knowing. But as is so often the case, I want him to know SO MUCH! I want to give him all of me and that’s not an option. I want too much, I know…

Apparently that includes wanting him to know for certain just how deeply in love with him I am. I hadn’t realized I was focusing on sex, reflexively thinking that was the best option open to me to communicate my feelings for Mr. Trouble. Now I’m not so sure…

I am fully aware I had Mr. Trouble up on a pedestal for an alarming length of time, but his alcohol abuse shattered that for good. Even so, I struggle with what I feel I want, what I feel I deserve and what is. The last thing I’ve ever wanted is to make Mr. Trouble feel in any way pressured, yet I can’t deny having knowingly altered my responses at times in order to essentially reward good behavior from him and put boundaries in place when I needed to protect myself from his destructive tendencies.

I’ve been telling him for a while now that I want to show him new heights and drive him insane with pleasure until he can’t even remember his own name. However, I recognize how much trust it takes to let go that much with someone and that it requires a certain kind of tolerance to be able to handle overwhelming levels of pleasure – plus the last thing I want to risk is scaring him off! He is clearly used to being the more experienced partner in bed and while he’s enjoyed everything we’ve done together so far and tells me he likes trying new things with me, he still gets a bit intimidated by my ideas so I’m trying to be patient and take things slowly showing him new things in bed.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the guardian bell I gave him last year, trying to better understand my motivations…..I now realize I was symbolically giving him a piece of myself as proof of my love. I gave different bells (which represented the recipients as is traditional rather than one that represents me) to two other people…one of whom is Mr. Trustworthy…and never felt the need to mention the fact that this only came about due to my extensive search for the perfect gift for Mr. Trouble. I was actually trying to let go at the time, having finally realized how deep my feelings were. Things with Mr. Trouble were always intended to be about sex and fun, not anything real. So, knowing he’s married and has his own life, I began trying to end things because real feelings isn’t what we’d signed up for…

Anyway, when he was here Monday I was really not feeling too hot and yet I was still insatiable for him…even when the things I wanted were actively causing me significant amounts of pain I kept going for as long as possible before finally giving in and settling for a different option.

After we were done, he was laying in my bed looking relaxed but tired. Recently I’ve discovered that Mr. Trouble likes it when I massage his temples, eyes, etc. It’s so damn hard to ever keep my hands off of him, but last year I rubbed his neck when he complained it was sore and he then reported having neck pain for MONTHS! So I’ve always been super hesitant to use any of my massage skills on him, ironically fearing he’s too delicate lol.

So there we are, naked in my bed, him on his back and me pressed up against the length of his side as I gently massage his face. After a bit I move behind his ears, down his neck, to his shoulders and pecs. It’s something I know but am rarely consciously aware of; Mr. Trouble is left handed. As I moved over from his left to right side, everything felt far less tense. I did a pretty thorough investigation as this surprised me until finally, external processor that I am! I said out loud, ‘Oh right, you’re left handed. That’s why your left side is so much tighter.’ Because clearly simply following the signs from his body and moving back to working on relaxing his left side would’ve just been TOO easy!

He relaxed significantly as I spent more than half an hour cuddled up against him, gently massaging and relaxing him. As I watched his face and soaked in the freedom to touch him, the words I’ve never spoken to him were on the tip of my tongue. Had he actually fallen asleep I’m certain they would’ve slipped out…

Now I’m realizing that I’ve been using physical touch, including but not limited to sex, in an effort to *show* Mr. Trouble just how much I love him. I don’t know what his love language is so my success in using physical touch to express what I haven’t been willing to say out loud may be mixed at best, but it’s what comes naturally to me so I can’t really help the desperate desire to touch him as much as possible.

Maybe it’s time to say the words? Does he want to hear them? What if saying the words makes him feel pressured? I hate that I can’t help imagining a life with him, especially knowing the reality would NOT amount to happily ever after.

Does my hypersexuality stem from my fear of expressing how I feel in other ways combined with my intrinsic need for physical touch?

I’m also feeling conflicted about sleeping with both Mr. Trouble and Mr. Trustworthy. They both know I’ve got someone else, but am I supposed to tell Mr. Trustworthy every time I see Mr. Trouble? I hate telling Mr. Trustworthy about plans with or having seen Mr. Trouble as it feels like I’m essentially saying hey, you’re my best friend and I love our sex life but you just aren’t enough to meet all my needs so I’m also fucking our boss. As long as they both know things are ongoing between me and both of them why would I need to say more? Ugh…I don’t know. I’m not actively trying to hide anything, it’s just that I’m ashamed.

I’m deeply ashamed that with everything he gives me, Mr. Trustworthy isn’t enough for me. I’m ashamed that I’m so in love with my married boss, carrying on an on-again-off-again affair for over a year and knowing that our relationship contributed to Mr. Trouble’s drinking getting so out of control earlier this year. I was living in terror 24/7 that he was going to crash on his bike due to being intoxicated and die – even had a nightmare in which exactly that happened and I watched helplessly as he lay dying on the side of some deserted back road. Thankfully that didn’t happen and he seems to be doing better overall, including drinking less. He hasn’t been downing a bottle of whiskey any of the times we’ve been together since I let him in again. He’s treating me like a real person, who matters to him, now (unlike before). I feel like our relationship is stable and he hasn’t made me cry a single time this round. His communication has improved markedly which helps a ton. I just can’t help being insecure.

When sex is what I’m offering I feel confident and don’t fear rejection. When it’s my feelings and my heart I’m offering, my trust and abandonment issues rise up with alacrity and ferociousness. I guess I convinced myself sex was a solution…I’ve definitely used sexual behavior as a coping mechanism/way to escape the pain of life.

I guess I feel like sex is an opportunity for me to prove to others that I’m good enough, that I’m worthy and don’t deserve to be discarded and abandoned. It’s something I can offer that others want even if they don’t want me for me.

Wow – that hurts to admit. I deserve better than that…or at least I’m trying to believe I do…