The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Dissolution

Yes, I’m back. No, the break up was not recent. However, I’m only now arriving at a place where I can bring myself to put anything down in writing. With the exception of this blog, I am exceedingly cognizant of what I put in writing. Call me crazy; I simply consider myself prudent. Obviously, I have no reason to be concerned by divulging the truth here. Instead, my hesitancy is derived from an utterly ridiculous feeling – that once I put down in words that it’s over, it is somehow more permanent than it has been these last few months.

H never liked Halloween and I never quite understood his aversion to it. Might as well have been prophetic. I can assure you, I am now in complete agreement with my better half – Halloween blows! I recognize that I am suffering from a bad case of procrastination as I feel the need to congratulate myself at this juncture for my use of the phrase “my better half”. I am certainly not happy about the situation, but it seems I have finally accepted the fact that I am one of two again, rather than one of four.

On to the story (which I have successfully avoided for the past 200 or so words). There are so many intimate details I could go in to, so much happiness and love I could describe, which is as of yet undocumented. All I can really bring myself to do though is relate the highlights of that final week. B and his wife had told H and I of hot springs that they like to go to. H and I had actually talked about going to hot springs prior to meeting them, but ruled the adventure out once we did more research and discovered that hot springs can cause second and third degree burns occasionally since the temperature is not controlled. B and his wife however knew of a place where there were stalls with bath tubs in them which allowed you to fill with as much hot water from the hot spring as you like and temper with cold water which was on hand as well. This was a great solutions as H was not comfortable being naked in a public place, but with the privacy of individual bath stalls everyone was on board. The four of us drove up in B’s new BMW 5 series; on the way there I sat shotgun and we held hands for the entirety of the lengthy drive. B’s hands were always sweaty; he used to apologize constantly for it and admit that I caused this reaction in him. I thought it was adorable even if not terribly sexy.

When we arrived at the hot springs it was raining. I love the rain and have always had a fantasy of having sex in the rain. I struggle with sex involving water such as in a bath or shower because of trauma caused by E. However, since I’d never had sex in the rain, I hoped it would be fun and different, not scary. Once we parked, we had about a mile and a half long hike to the hot spring. B and I walked holding hands and talking comfortably with one another while B’s wife and H lead the way, having a far more animated discussion as was common. The walk was beautiful; I was so relaxed and happy to be having this experience with my lovers. I love the outdoors, I love rain and I love to explore. H and I would never have been to this place on our own.

Once we got to the hot spring, we split up in to two stalls, leaving me to climb into the bath tub with B. I’m not going to lie, it was challenging. B was extremely patient and kind to me. He didn’t push me and let me know that whatever I was or was not comfortable with was okay by him. The first couple of times he wrapped his arms around me from behind I barely fought off a panic attack. Thankfully, it got easier. B was so relaxed and gentle with me that I was able to release some of the fear that I’d previously learned to respond with and actually enjoy touching him and being touched by him while he held me in the bath. I was both proud of myself and happy I was able to demonstrate how deeply I trusted him. Throughout our relationship, I never wanted to waste a single moment of happiness. I savored everything – even now, I can close my eyes and feel the heat, the steam and him. I’ll never forget the cool rain that fell all afternoon, the smell of the forest or the sound of his voice. That day was a dream come true in so many ways. After we’d been in the bath for a while and I was more comfortable, we did end up having sex in the rain. It wasn’t quite as I’d always fantasized about; instead of lying on my back on a blanket i was bent forward at the waist with him behind me, but it was still him and I and the rain. I was not disappointed.

When we left, I was missing B’s wife. She had sat with H in the back seat on the drive up, she walked with H during the hiking we did and the two of them were in a separate stall at the hot spring. So naturally, I proposed that for the drive back she and I share the back seat. It proved an excellent plan as we spent most of the long drive home making out and feeling each other up! It was early evening when we returned home and there was not specific plan for that night or the next day, Sunday. H and I invited them to come over once they’d gone home to take care of their dog and change. That night found the four of us in H and my’s king size bed getting intimate. I was extremely horny and although I knew B and I would need to be alone before we could start exploring anything even remotely BDSM related, I was aching for it. I whispered to him, “If you’re not going to fuck my ass tonight, you’d better do it soon!” Being the giver that he was, he then proceeded to fuck my ass. It was his first time having anal sex and it was none too shabby at all. We finished while H and B’s wife were still going, so I grabbed B’s hand and told him to come with me. I grabbed a couple towels and pulled him in to the shower. I remember him commenting on how much water we’d been in together recently and I was so grateful to have three lovers who were so patient, kind and trustworthy. That day I had everything.

What I didn’t get was a chance to wake up with them. I very badly wanted the four of us to sleep in one bed together. Once they had agreed to do so, but then changed their mind and went to go to bed. After that I was never able to convince them to agree to spending the night together. It hurt to be denied that intimacy. There were other difficulties I was struggling with as well. Although B admitted having a sadistic streak, his wife did not understand BDSM any more than H does. She and I had been talking about BDSM via email some, so I was not hiding my desire from her as I didn’t want B and I choosing to partake at some point to be an issue. Truly though, the most difficult thing for me was the secrecy our relationship was shrouded in. B and I met because we work together. Not only in the same building, but in the same room. Our desks were 20 feet from one another with line of sight. I wanted to be “work friends” with B – that’s what I was after when he informed me that he had received photos of H and I on an “adult social networking site”, from someone pretending to be H and I, effectively letting the cat out of the bag that he and his wife were on at least one swinging website. The four of us met in person for the first time that same night. Anyway, B was not comfortable being “work friends” with me for a variety of reasons, none of which I felt had any merit. Regardless, I tried to respect his wishes and not push things, but it ate away at me over.

H also felt a great need for secrecy, as his family is very religious. H has a cousin who recently came out of the closet and the scandal in his family was enormous. Us being polyamorous? Definitely not going to fly. B’s wife was also raised by a very religious family and although they live in another state, she actually worked for a religious organization. So, aside from our polyamorous relationship likely putting her job at risk if it were known, she also shared custody of her daughter with her ex-husband and feared losing custody if the four of us were open. So, there I was not giving two shits about possible consequences at work or with my family and everyone else more or less in agreement that it was absolutely imperative that we remain in hiding, indefinitely. Even months after the break up I am still struggling with the secrecy. Feeling forced to hide the fact that I was in love with two out of three people was devastating to me. It was tearing me apart and I truly didn’t know how to continue doing it. I was planning to talk to everyone about how much I was struggling because of this, but never got the chance.

The Thursday following our weekend trip to the hot springs B and I were texting one another at work as usual, when he told me that we couldn’t be “work friends” and gave me a list of reasons why. What he text me was extremely hurtful and, try as I might, I was completely unable to come up with a response. So I just didn’t text him back. The next day the shit hit the fan. B told his wife about what happened and she told H, who then texted me very angry the next morning. I apologized to B, who forgave me, but at that point his wife was calling it quits. H and I couldn’t believe that she would walk away over a communication issue. This was hardly the first time a communication issue had arisen and even H agreed B and I did a far better job of working past it than we ever had before. It didn’t matter. On 10/31/14 my cloverleaf ended.

Later H and I found out that B was taking his frustrations out on his wife and forcing her to hide things from H and I, issues that affected all of us. Ultimately, the bottom line was that B wanted me and that’s all he was thinking about. He was never okay with his wife being with H (even though he said he was), and he didn’t want me with H either. He wanted to have everything his way and under his control, and for H to just magically disappear. For all his good points, B is a poor communicator, he is jealous, controlling and unable to be honest with himself, let alone others. B and his wife’s marriage is built on the pair of them lying to themselves and to each other. Being involved with H and I threw into stark relief the lies in their marriage and unfortunately separated them from us because we did not encounter any of the issues they were busy hiding from us all along, as our marriage is based on honesty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say my marriage is perfect. But, it’s a hell of a lot more honest and open than theirs is. At first we tried to be friends, but that fell apart in a week. Their marriage is literally too fragile for them to have friends. B feels too threatened by his wife having friends and he is too controlling to have friends of his own. It was an extremely sad ending, realizing that the “committed relationship” the four of us had agreed we were in was nothing but a facade on their end.

I still see B at work. We don’t talk, we try not to even look at one another and are mostly successful. Luckily our positions don’t interact much, and I was able to move to a different desk a bit further away from him thanks to a very timely excuse that arose. But still. I trusted him, I fell in love with him. I opened up to him and told him things I’ve never told anyone, ever. Including H. Granted, that primarily consisted of BDSM related fantasies, but still. I wanted what I thought the four of us had so badly. I was all in. I admit I always thought I would lose them, that we wouldn’t last forever. The good thing about that fact is that I never wasted a moment. The unfortunate things is that my cynicism was proven correct in spades. Now I’m a polyamorous submissive with only one partner, who has no comprehension of BDSM whatsoever.

Since the break up our sex life has been all messed up. H has talked about wanting to swing again but I’m just not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. H made it exceedingly clear that he never wants to be involved in “something like that” again. He never did like the term polyamorous, I’m not sure why. So for now it’s just the two of us, and it’s getting more and more difficult for me to handle my desires with no foreseeable outlet. I could continue on for hours, but what I’d set out to do was tell the end of a particular journey and I’ve done as much as I’m capable at this point. In closing let me just say, St. Patrick’s Day will be a close second for the title of my Most Hated Holiday.

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The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Together At Last

4 Leaf Clover

Last week was rough. Monday our cloverleaf broke up. Tuesday we put it back together. Wednesday I saw both B and his wife during a break at work and my lunch respectively. I kissed both of them. Wednesday night B and I talked on the phone for our first nightly “date”. B asked what the high and low points of my day were. It took me a while to come up with an answer for the low point, but the high point was easy – kissing him! After we got off the phone H asked what we’d talked about and I told him B asked what my high and low points were. H then asked what my answer was, so I told him. H was furious that I’d kissed B. H felt betrayed as we’d all agreed to be “just friends” the night before. H said he wasn’t even sure he was ever going to be okay “playing” with B and his wife again because things had fallen apart so abruptly and completely. H explained that his trust and confidence in the situation between us had been completely shattered. I felt terrible. Unfortunately, I then had to admit I’d also kissed B’s wife that day. It was a bad night for H and I.

My faith and trust was shaken by the events of last week, but after B and I talked one-on-one in person I felt better and was back to the same place I’d been before. I had no idea that H’s reaction was so much worse than mine. I’m in love with B and his wife; I would have no idea how to be “just friends” (whatever that means!) with them. I understood that we were taking sex off the table for the moment to work on creating stability in our network, which I was okay with even if I wasn’t thrilled about it. I believed that removing sex would give us a chance to improve our communication and all feel emotionally secure in our relationships again, which is of the utmost importance. However, taking out all physical contact and other forms of intimacy never occurred to me. I was devastated that H felt I’d betrayed him and that I’d let him down. We were up very late and I was exhausted Thursday morning. I knew that H would eventually forgive me, but I had no idea how long the wait would be. I send B and his wife both messages first things Thursday morning letting them know what happened, and they also were upset as nobody had intended to hurt H or break the brand new agreement we’d just come to the day before.

Thank goodness for B’s wife. She talked to H Thursday morning before they went to work (B and I were both already at work) and honestly I’m not sure what she said to him but it helped H a lot. H told me later that morning that he had moved from “angry” to “disappointed”. H still hadn’t forgiven me, but the four of us made plans to meet that night and talk about our relationships. Later that afternoon H let me know that he had indeed forgiven me, which made a tremendous difference. The four of us spent a couple of hours talking that night, discussing terminology, commitment and communication primarily. We agreed that we are all in a committed relationship and that we all want a future together. B and his wife want to eventually have another baby, and would also like to move to Hawaii some day. The four of us discussed these topics and agreed that we would tackle this together if and when they happened and that neither a baby nor a move to Hawaii would mean the end of us. In addition, we all agreed that we are past “friends-with-benefits”. I said that I don’t view B and his wife as “partners” because to me that means something is permanent, and we just aren’t there yet (yesterday was the six week mark for us). I explained that I view H as my partner because he and I are forever; I also admitted that I wanted them to be my partners as well and I wanted that commitment level in the future. All four of us agreed that we want the same things, that we want to be together.

Friday was the best day I’d had in a long time. My cloverleaf were all on the same page; I admit I still need to tell H that I’m in love with B and his wife, and they with me, but after our discussion Thursday I truly don’t believe it will be a problem. Saturday was a busy day as I moved my horse to a different boarding facility, but today H and I spent the entire day at the beach with B, his wife and their daughter. We had an amazing time and I bonded with their daughter more than I’ve had a chance to previously. B and his wife were both very impressed by how good I am with her and glad I enjoyed spending time with her so much. What can I say – I love kids. I still don’t know that I’d be able emotionally to handle a child of my own, but I do long for children to love – there’s no denying that. The four of us are continuing to weave deeper, stronger bonds and I believe at this point we are all feeling far more stable in our network than we ever have before. In addition to all the emotional goo, the sexual chemistry has continued to amp up. With any luck, we will be back to hitting the sheets some time this week 🙂

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll

4 Leaf Clover

Last weekend H and I went out of town for a couple of days to go to an Oktoberfest with some friends and family. I really didn’t want to go on a trip but H wasn’t taking “No.” for an answer, so I finally relented. We came home Saturday evening and B and his wife came over. I was extremely excited to see them and we had tentative plans to all spend Sunday together. So, naturally, I suggested a sleepover! H and I have a king size bed plus we have a guest room that never gets used, so there would be options for them. I so desperately want to go to sleep wrapped up in B and his wife and wake up next to them. They seemed amenable to the idea and agreed. I was really excited when they got here; nobody had eaten so I cooked dinner and we had drinks. The evening was going well and we moved to the bedroom. H and B’s wife got right down to business while B and I took our time a bit more. B wasn’t getting hard nearly as quickly as usual, but I honestly didn’t mind. We were making out, touching each other and holding each other close. It felt extremely intimate and I felt so vulnerable and cared for. B eventually got hard and we had sex some, but he didn’t stay hard. We went back to making out and touching and holding one another. B also gave me several orgasms through other means 😉

H and B’s wife seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves, which is always a big turn on for me. Then B’s wife and I decided we needed some girl-on-girl time. She likes to be in control and I love to make her cum, although it’s not super easy to accomplish. I played with her and enjoyed her body, but eventually had her sit on my face and ride me while I ate her out. Fuck it was so hot! I’ve never had a girl ride my face like that before and she later told me she doesn’t have much experience with that position but I loved it! She was kind of shy and holding back because she didn’t want to squish me so I wasn’t able to make her cum for me as she kept pulling away, but she clearly liked it and I love doing new things with her.

We were taking a breather and I went to clean up dinner in the kitchen. When I came back in the bedroom a few minutes later B and his wife were redressed and I immediately knew they were leaving. But, nobody said anything. The three of them just continued the conversation they had been having prior to my walking in. The last I’d heard H and B’s wife were planning to start a movie, so after a few minutes I asked about the movie. That’s when B’s wife said something along the lines of “We haven’t told her yet.” Told me WHAT!? Then B’s wife told me they were leaving and would be back in the morning. I was really sad they were going but didn’t want to pressure them, so I didn’t ask why. Nobody volunteered why either, they just said goodbye and went home. I felt abandoned. I thought one of my ultimate dreams was going to come true that night, falling asleep with them and waking up with them for the first time. Even if they had chosen to sleep in the guest room, at least I would’ve known they were nearby. I wanted that so badly and they had agreed, but now they were leaving and I didn’t know why. It really hurt.

A bit later B texted me apologizing for having so much difficulty getting/staying hard. I told him I honestly wasn’t upset and that I was very happy and really enjoyed my time with him (all of which was 100% true). B was still really upset and I couldn’t understand why. The next morning B and his wife didn’t come over like they had said they would. I was then told that B had done cocaine before coming over to our house. I knew that years ago B had been a cocaine user & dealer, but I assumed that part of his life was over. I never explicitly asked, I just got that impression. Apparently he still uses cocaine. He only told me because using cocaine has caused him to have trouble getting/staying hard in the past but he for some reason didn’t think it would happen this time. He wanted me to know it wasn’t me. Great – I feel so much better! Not.

I don’t like drugs. They scare me. I grew up in a bad area with a high density of drugs. I never knew anyone who used cocaine, but other drugs were prevalent. I’ve never even smoked pot because I don’t like to be out of control and it was always just too scary for me to not know how it would feel or how I would respond to doing drugs. Also, I didn’t like or respect the people I grew up around who did drugs so I had no desire to have something in common with them. I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but drugs are a big deal to me. However, I am also a very analytical person. I certainly feel deeply, but it’s not uncommon for me to need time to process something prior to knowing how I feel about it. Finding out that B does cocaine was one of those times for me. I was not happy and wished I’d known before he came over on it and had sex with me, but the fact that he uses cocaine occasionally was something I really needed to think about whether that was a deal breaker or not. Then, once I figured out how I felt, I also had to tell H and get his thoughts on it.

Unfortunately, while I was still in the processing stage, B’s wife and I had a series of miscommunications. I asked if H knew about the cocaine and she said “No.” I said I would talk to him and she got extremely defensive. She implied that H and I were judging them and treating them like a problem and that B occasionally using cocaine to “recreate” doesn’t affect anyone else other than his inability to perform sexually. I was angry with her because I didn’t even know how I felt about it yet, but I was thinking about it with an open mind and wasn’t judging them at all. I also never indicated it was a deal breaker in any way. B’s wife acted like H and I shouldn’t talk about the two of them almost, which is ridiculous! We are maintaining two independent marriages while being involved in our foursome; of course the two married couples talk about the other partners! Plus, it doesn’t make any sense to me that three people would know something the fourth doesn’t. I felt I was being completely calm, rational and reasonable in how I handled this extremely unexpected information and what do I get? B’s wife freaking the fuck out on me via text message. Awesome.

Eventually H and I talked and agreed that this didn’t mean we needed to end things, but H and I agree we don’t want to be at all involved and if B is using cocaine we don’t want him to be around us during those times. I called B and told him that his wife seemed really upset by me and I didn’t know how to fix it, so he talked to her which seemed to help. I then called her and we all seemed to be okay again. If only…

Monday was a strange day as B was still very upset over his perceived sexual issues and H and I were still reeling from the cocaine news. B’s wife tried to make plans for us to all have dinner together last night, and everyone was game except B. B and his wife talked, which led to them telling us they wanted to put the sexual aspects of our relationships on hiatus. The pressure was too much, they got in over their heads, and they needed to slow down and work on building solid relationships that would build up to sex rather than jumping in full steam ahead as we had done from the beginning. I had no problem with this, as I was already feeling B and I needed a chance to reconnect and feel that we were on the same page again before we had sex the next time. Unfortunately, H didn’t feel the same way. H still wanted this to be fun, not stressful or something we have to work at. H agreed we could continue to be friends, but nothing more. B’s wife and I were devastated. I’ve hinted at this already, but I admit at this point I was already completely in love with both B and his wife. Losing them from my life was unimaginable. However, I couldn’t change how H felt about the situation. H felt used and led on. He and B’s wife were having miscommunication problems of their own at the time.

Monday our cloverleaf broke up.

Tuesday was the worst day I can ever remember having. I was completely heartbroken. I was up all night Monday crying and didn’t get any sleep at all. I had a migraine and wasn’t able to eat. I did go to work Tuesday but I felt like I was dead inside, like I had nothing left. I was so afraid. I didn’t know how to not be in love with B and his wife, but we were still suppose to be friends. How can I be “friends” with people I’m in love with and not have that threaten my marriage??? How was I going to maintain my marriage while I was heartbroken over two people at once? I’ve never experienced a loss like that before. Tuesday after work B and I were texting and I was telling him some of this. We didn’t use the word ‘love’, but we were clearly taking about the same thing. H came home late and didn’t tell me where he was, which is not like him at all. I was extremely upset, heartbroken, not feeling well physically, and just sitting there waiting for him for an hour and a half. By the time he finally got home I was crying uncontrollably. I needed him.

Turns out H was talking to B’s wife in person and they had a good conversation. H completely lost track of time and was extremely sorry for upsetting me so much. I of course forgave him and was very happy he and B’s wife talked, I just needed to know where he was. I was hurting and vulnerable and alone – not a good combination for me! Apparently H and B’s wife worked through their earlier miscommunications and agreed they didn’t want things to end. H no longer had all of the negative feelings and anger he’d had the day before, and he was now, for the first time, willing to work on relationships between us all, even without sex. I was so grateful. H told me he and B’s wife think B and I have communication issues and really need to talk in person, sooner rather than later. I was all for that, so I invited B over. He agreed – I was so afraid he wouldn’t. But he did. So, H went to hang out with B’s wife and daughter and B came here. B and I talked and worked through some of the things that were troubling him. We held each other and kissed each other. We talked and laughed, but we also talked about our sexual relationship and the pressures we are feeling with one another. It was not easy but it was absolutely the right things for us. I was wrapped in B’s arms and he said, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?” I told him, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?”

I was so afraid I was never going to get to tell him I loved him. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to move forward with my life without our cloverleaf. I want three people who love me and three people to love. More than that, I want these three people to love me and to love. B is in love with me, and I’m in love with him. He promised not to try to bail on our relationship in the future. We agreed we are going to work on our communication and we are going to learn together how to be there for each other and communicate effectively with each other. I also suggested that we talk on the phone every night rather than having so much of our communication always be via text message. The cloverleaf all thought this was a great idea, so I’m looking forward very much to our first phone date at some point tonight. Later last night after B left, I was talking with his wife and telling her a bit about how things went between us. She told me, “I love u my dear. U are so so so so important to me” to which I of course responded, “I love you too. I am in love with you. But I was trying to wait to tell u in person when we were alone lol”. She loves me too! And I finally got to tell her that I’m in love with her!!! I’ve been wanting to do that for what feels like forever, but I was trying to give us all time to stabilize.

As horrible as feeling our cloverleaf collapse was, I think it was an extremely important step for us all. As a result, we all chose together to commit to building our relationships and our network and making it strong and lasting. H decided for the first time that he is okay with a polyamorous relationship rather than just being friends-with-benefits. B, his wife and I all laid our emotions on the line for one another. I admit I haven’t told H that I’m in love with them and that they are in love with me. I want to tell him, I’m just not sure how to. Maybe I will ask B’s wife for advise on that front…couldn’t hurt. Anyway, our cloverleaf survived something really difficult over the last few days and we’ve come out of it still together and much stronger and more deeply committed. As far as the rock n’ roll part of things…B’s wife LOVES this song and says it makes her think of our cloverleaf. Enjoy ❤

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Growing Pains

4 Leaf Clover

Today is the one month anniversary of when the four of us met! Over the weekend H and I finally met B and his wife’s daughter. I was very excited to meet her and she is an adorable girl. B is not her biological father, but he’s been in her life since she was very young. Her biological father lives near by, so B and his wife have her 50% of the time, and the other 50% of the time she is with her biological father. I wasn’t sure before how close B and she were, but H and I spent time with the three of them over the weekend and it’s clear that they are a family. She calls B “daddy” which I find so endearing. B obviously loves her very much. I had asked him at one point if he and his wife wanted more kids and B told me they did want one of their own some day. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, over the weekend B and I went to a local dog park just the two of us and talked for a couple of hours straight. I told him the things I’ve been holding back: about V, my history of sleeping with married men and the cutting. It was also my first chance to really talk with him about my family and some of the crap I dealt with growing up. He was, as always, extremely kind and understanding. He hugged me and held me and encouraged me. It was a wonderful feeling, and I was so glad to finally feel like everything is out in the open between us.

Naturally, I didn’t want to be far behind with his wife. She also enjoys writing, so we decided to share some of our stuff. I pulled quite a bit directly off of this blog and sent it to her. I hadn’t told her about the cutting, but she pretty much knew about the rest. However, she and I haven’t really talked about BDSM and that was certainly a recurring theme in what I sent her. She read most of what I sent her today and responded with a bunch of interesting and thoughtful questions. I was extremely nervous last night after I sent her so much of who I am and what I struggle with that I’d made a mistake and our cloverleaf was going to fall to pieces because I showed the real me. Instead my relationships with both B and his wife are already stronger. It feels amazing to be cared for by people who know things that matter to me, by people I’ve chosen to trust.

H seems to be the most unstable component of our cloverleaf so far, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. B said he thinks H might see our relationships as more of a friends-with-benefits situation than a polyamorous relationship, however B and H don’t really talk to one another so he’s drawing that conclusion indirectly. I admit it’s possible B is right, but my gut is that H is interested in B’s wife as more than a friend-with-benefits based on the time and energy he is investing in his relationship with her. Also, B’s wife has her own baggage and perhaps isn’t connecting with H on the deeper level that I’ve been connecting with both B and her. However, H needs the most time out of all of us to become comfortable and it takes time to really get to know him. I hope that over time H and B’s wife’s relationship will deepen. On a selfish note, although I would be wrecked if I lost B and his wife from my life, at least H and I will have had an experience with polyamory and perhaps we will find a permanent relationship down the road. In the meantime, the cloverleaf continues to learn and grow. I personally feel like I’ve grown a ton in the last month just by letting new people into my life and opening my heart again. Whatever happens in the end, I am grateful.

Mr. Casual Friday vs. The Cloverleaf

I had a dream last night that really upset me. I’m not even sure where to begin explaining.

As I’ve referenced in other posts, I still have secrets from B and his wife. Admitting my history as a survivor of domestic violence to them was a big step, but there is more I need to tell them. I started with that secret because I don’t feel shame or guilt about it most of the time any more. I understand that I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. My other secrets however? I still feel culpable for both my decisions and the results. That makes it far more difficult to admit to my history of self harm and affairs with married men.

Enter my dream last night. I think my subconscious is afraid that I am going to sabotage this very new and beautiful relationship the four of us are developing. I could go in to far more detail, but the short version is Mr. Casual Friday was naked in bed with a woman while I was in the room. I tried not to watch them but failed to resist completely. He was gorgeous, all sexy and sweaty and rippling muscles. As I was building up the courage to walk out of the room he turned his full attention on me. I wanted him but he is married and I would never want to hurt B. He persisted and got some of my clothes off. I woke before we made it all the way, but I was feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed in myself both in my dream and once I was awake.

B knows about my crush on Mr. Casual Friday and teases me about it occasionally. I’ve made it clear to B that I am not looking for more partners at this point nor will I be at any time in the near future. I always imagined four, and I think my instincts were right. I think four is a good balance and is enough for me without being too much. Anyway, B has no reason to feel threatened by Mr. Casual Friday, but the alpha male in him still makes itself known occasionally in a devastatingly attractive way! So, I need to tell both B and his wife the secrets I’m still holding back. I need to know that they want me in spite of past mistakes. And I need to stop fantasizing about Mr. Casual Friday. It’s very clear to me all of a sudden that I’d far rather be fantasizing about my cloverleaf 🙂

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Part I

4 Leaf Clover

Last Sunday H and I spent the day with B and his wife. It was amazing! We went to a video store and rented a movie, bought lunch and went back to their place. We crowded onto a three-person couch to watch the movie and eat lunch. It was cozy and comfortable. We talked and laughed and got along great, and I FINALLY got to touch B! We had some drinks and played some games on the bed. We incorporated stripping and making out into our game and soon we were all either tipsy or drunk and naked. The chemistry did not disappoint and we spent more time in separate rooms than all together on the bed. Both were great!

After spending the entire day together, we agreed to go boating the next day as we were all off for labor day. The boating was completely PG as we were out in a group with various co-workers and my parents, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. I quickly realized that I cannot get enough of them! B and his wife have a queen size bed so it was very intimate with all of us sharing it on Sunday and I loved every second of it! I was really looking forward to getting closer to B’s wife as she is exactly my type physically, but the boys had other plans for us…I got to make out with her and play with her tits a bit, but that was about all. She did finger me and eat me out for a few minutes (just long enough to make me squirt!). Apparently neither B nor his wife had ever seen a girl squirt before that day; luckily for me they both love it! They couldn’t seem to get enough and I soaked their bed. Good times!

The following week was rough for me emotionally (for unrelated reasons), and I worked hard on opening up to B and letting him in. It wasn’t easy but he did not disappoint; B is so kind, caring and supportive. He makes me feel incredibly loved. Needless to say I’ve completely fallen for him. I’m quite a ways down the road to trusting him completely already – far enough down that road in fact that I finally had the energy and emotional capacity to reach out to B’s wife and begin to deepen our relationship. I asked her if we could spend some one-on-one time together soon and we agreed to have a coffee date Saturday morning. We had previously made plans for the four of us to get together Friday night, which was, in a word, spectacular!

B and his wife came over to our place Friday evening. B had a rough day at work, so we talked about that for a while to give him a chance to unwind while H and B’s wife talked about I don’t know what (but they were smiling and laughing so all was good). Everyone had a drink in hand and we were all relaxed. Pretty soon B wanted to relocate from the kitchen area to the family room where H and B’s wife were sitting. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. B was already hard and I was wet in no time! We couldn’t wait and started fucking in the chair while we were both still fully dressed…it was H-O-T! H and B’s wife meanwhile were getting down to business on the couch but soon relocated to the bedroom and our king sized bed. B and I could hear them going at it, but we were busy soaking the couch and both of us. I can’t remember the last time I squirted so hard or so much!!!

Eventually B and I made it to the bedroom to join H and B’s wife. The king size bed and mirrored closet doors made for a great view for all involved. Eventually we all slowed down and B’s wife and I decided to take some time paying attention to one another with the men on either side of us. Neither B nor his wife have ever had anal sex, but I told her how much I love DP and how intense it is, which got her curious. I was prepared with lube and Booty Ease (sold by Pure Romance). I went to town on B’s wife; fingering her, eating her out, and playing with her ass. In no time flat she was moaning, breathing hard, flushed and tensing up. I had three fingers in her ass and four in her pussy and had to back off repeatedly so she wouldn’t orgasm before I had a chance to really enjoy her gorgeous body. I finally let her cum and it was beautiful. She is so amazing and I loved showing her how good she could feel doing something for the first time. At one point I was covered in sweat and cum and decided to go rinse off in the shower. I’d warned both B and his wife early on that I have issues with water, and I had since explained to B that E nearly drowned me more than once in a shower. Friday night I was comfortable enough that I gave an open invitation for anyone to join me to rinse off in the shower, which was a huge deal for me. B’s wife ended up joining me and I didn’t feel threatened at all; in fact, I really enjoyed it! Hopefully it will be that easy when B and I finally shower together too.

By the time we were done sexing each other up it was pushing 2 a.m. I did NOT want them to leave. I wanted the four of us to go to bed and sleep together. That’s probably what I would consider my wildest fantasy. It didn’t happen, B and his wife took off and went home as I knew they would. H and I knocked out our “bonus round” as I like to call it – H and I always have sex just the two of us after an experience with other people – and we slept soundly. Saturday morning I met up with B’s wife and we ended up at a local Shari’s where we ate and talked for hours. We really got to know each other and have an amazing amount in common. I freely admit I’ve continued to hold certain things back from both her and B, including my history of self injury and having affairs with married men. My plan is to tell B these things as soon as I get a chance to one-on-one, I think it will go a long way toward helping me let go of my remaining fear that B won’t truly want me once he gets to know the real me. After I tell him I will tell his wife. She and I really bonded Saturday morning and it was not a moment too soon!

B and I have been texting a lot and talking about our fears in this polyamorous relationship. We’ve been helping each other feel better overall, and I’m grateful the lines of communication seem to be so open between the four of us so far. I really hope that lasts. For my part I’m truly fighting my instincts every step of the way to let them in, and the rewards so far are beyond my wildest imagination. I want this so badly. B and I have also continued to discuss BDSM here and there and I am more confident than ever that we will at least try it, I just want to take things slow. I was even brave enough to tell him my fantasy of being spanked with a leather belt! He didn’t act shocked with I was very grateful for. However, none of the four of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship before and we have two separately established marriages to maintain as we get to know each other and discover what we want. It’s very strange to have all of the intense feelings I associate with dating when I’m already married and have commitments on my time that I can’t unilaterally change. It’s complicated and confusing, but so worth it. I am absolutely falling in love with both B and his wife. It’s terrifying to be so emotionally invested, and yet I can’t not be. I’m trying really hard to take things at a responsible pace with B…I keep reminding us both that we have time. I think at this point it’s challenging in a good way for us both – even if it does leave us constantly craving more. There is so much more that we’ve talked about and that I’ve learned which is worth discussing, but I’d better call it a night. More to come in the Cloverleaf Chronicles ❤

The Four Leaf Clover

4 Leaf Clover

Faith, Hope, Love & Luck

What better symbol could there be for a polyamorous foursome? Faith is an integral part of any relationship. I must have faith that I’m good enough for my partner(s), that I deserve happiness, faith that my partner(s) want me and faith in our commitment to one another. Faith that my partner(s) won’t leave me. Hope is equally key for happiness. Relationships are a lot of work, there are always going to be bad times along with the good times. Without hope for the future, what would be the point of continuing? Love is perhaps obvious, but so many people have loveless relationships I believe this should never be overlooked.   I can admit in the privacy of my own head (and apparently blog!) that I crave love, I need it as I need air. I’m also terrified of love; falling in love with H nearly destroyed me. Unfortunately I’m greedy, now that I have a taste I want more, more, moreI want the friendship, the intimacy, the lover, and I want it so much I can’t help but want more people who truly know me, accept me and want me. No surprise I’d be poly huh? The last leaf of the four leaf clover represents luck, and who couldn’t use more of that in life!?

Tomorrow H and I are going to spend the day with B and his wife. We’ve all met up a couple of times in public to spend time together; B and I have seen each other some one-on-one but in public, and H and B’s wife have had lunch and seen each other a time or two in addition to that, but again, always in public. Tomorrow H and I are going to their place to drink, relax, get to know each other and probably get intimate for the first time. We already talked about matters of protection and made sure all parties were in agreement, so we are all looking forward to enjoying one another. I’m extremely excited, but I’m also nervous. I want this so badly, and I’m not sure if we are all as compatible as my gut says we are. What if I’m just fooling myself? I also noticed that although I talk about B regularly with H, he never mentions B’s wife even though I know they talk every day. I asked him about it last night and he said he hadn’t really though about it, but that she was coming on strong and he didn’t want the pressure of feeling he and she are dating. B and I feel like we are dating and agree that it’s enjoyable, but H is feeling pressured which is less than ideal.

H told me that he understands B’s wife has a lot of freedom at work, but things at his work have been extremely busy and stressful lately so the timing is bad for her to constantly be wanting attention from him. B’s wife is also a bit jealous of the time B and I have spent one-on-one since she and I haven’t had that opportunity, which likely makes her want attention from H that much more. H assured me that he is still attracted to B’s wife and wants to become friends; H is still happy with the direction things are heading, he just needs a chance to become more comfortable with B’s wife. I felt both relief and new concern after H and I talked about this situation. I am glad that he is still interested but concerned H wouldn’t want a true polyamorous relationship. This concern isn’t new, but I had set it aside as all indications were that H is open to wherever things between us may go. However, if he doesn’t want to date, does that mean he only wants friends with benefits? Because I want more than that.

It’s possible that H would enjoy polyamory and just doesn’t like the awkwardness of getting to know people on the front end, so that’s what I’m hoping at this point. If he truly isn’t comfortable with deeper relationships between us it’s going to be very difficult for B and I to be just friends or even casual sex partners. My submissive nature complicates things further; B has a dominant side but no BDSM experience. And my only experiences were under abusive circumstances rather than consensual ones, so not really BDSM at all.

H & B both know I am submissive, but I think B has a better understanding of my needs and desires than H does. B’s wife and I have not discussed anything personal about myself yet – truth be told, I really only have the energy to build one intimate relationship at a time, so B’s wife has to wait in line! I truly like her and enjoy talking to her, but we haven’t really begun becoming close yet. I am certain that will happen if things between us remain stable and don’t evaporate before we really even begin. B and I talked a lot tonight and he seems genuine in his desire for a D/s dynamic between us, but we are not anywhere near ready for that yet. I must admit though, it’s a nice change to have a guy I care about want to use and dominate me! I hope we get to explore the world of BDSM together eventually.

That’s all for now on the cloverleaf, more to come after tomorrow! Hopefully there will still be a cloverleaf after tomorrow..! Wish us luck 🙂

Opening Up

Today I told B about the abuse I endured when I was 18. It was a big step with him because I know he is attracted to damaged girls and likes to feel needed. I like B and I want him, but I don’t need him. I want our relationship to be healthy for both of us (as well as our spouses!), so telling him things that make me feel vulnerable and make him feel the urge to protect me is of some concern. I think the conversation went well, he was supportive and sensitive without overreacting in any way. B had some questions based on things we’ve talked about that I could only answer with this story, and I felt like I was creating drama by hiding this secret. So, I took the plunge.

This was the first time I’ve discussed the abuse since I came to terms with some of it earlier this year. The experience was interesting; I’ve definitely let go of most of the shame and guilt that I use to feel. I am really proud of myself for no longer believing the abuse was my fault and blaming myself. I think the fact that I have a healthier understanding of what happened helped prevent issues arising when I told B. I don’t think I came off as a broken girl, I think I came off as a survivor. B is so kind and attentive I don’t know why every girl who knows him isn’t in love with him! He was very grateful that I was willing to talk to him about this aspect of my past, and I think it helped strengthen our developing relationship. Hopefully B’s reaction is a positive sign for how he will handle learning more of my secrets and my dark past, particularly the things that I do still feel shame or guilt about. At this point I believe things are going to be serious between us and I think I will tell him everything about my past. I just hope opening up and trusting him with everything ends up being a positive for us and not a negative.

That’s all for now, more to come!

Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…

Swinging, BDSM, Kink & Polyamory – The Story of Me

Here I sit, glass of wine in hand, after a solid work out at the gym. I had a very difficult day at work today, although I came out of it smelling like a rose and having actually increased my esteem in a couple of people’s eyes including my boss. H is out of town on a family vacation that I opted out of – I went last year and didn’t enjoy myself. I miss him, but I am really enjoying the solitude. It’s a nice change for there to be no pressure. I don’t have to do or say the right things, or use the right tone. The T.V. hasn’t been on once since he left, and I find the lack of noise relaxing. My day at work was challenging on a personal level. I had two very uncomfortable conversations with two different people who are higher than me in the food chain. After both discussions these individuals agreed with everything I’d done, but I really did not want to discuss either topic. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great to affirm others’ support of me and my work. But discussing things I find emotionally draining at work was not on my to-do list, thank you very much!

 

Aside from having a difficult day, I’ve been extremely preoccupied with the couple H and I met last weekend, B & his wife. I’m finding this to be both good and bad. If you’ve read my post The Beginning you’re aware that last month H and I met a different couple. This morning, right at 8:00 a.m. when I was starting work, the girl from the first couple (who happens to have the same first name as I do) sent me a text wanting to arrange a play date. After meeting that couple I found the chemistry lacking with her fiancee and am not really interested in playing with him. On top of that, I am very interested in B and his wife. My inner poly is screaming at me not to mess this up. H and I haven’t even played with B and his wife yet, we only met once for drinks and have been texting for almost a week, yet I want so much from them. I think I’m starting to sound like a broken record…we meet, I fall hard, I want more, I move on. Perhaps that’s the way it’s suppose to be with swinging, super intense and exciting and running its course quickly as well. I’m not sure, but I think I’d be happier in a long term arrangement. B and his wife are far less experienced than H and I, in fact they have never even had a foursome. They have only had M/F/F threesomes in the past. B’s wife says she likes H so much that she is comfortable with a foursome, and after talking to her quite a bit I believe her. At this point I’m more concerned H isn’t as attracted to her as he claims to be and that will be the break down in our four way chemistry.

 

Even if our chemistry continues to be great, I’m also afraid of scaring off B & his wife. I’m kinky – it’s a fact. I can hide it some, but not completely. And more importantly, I don’t want to hide it. I’m sick and tired of hiding. My kinks and my need to submit are desires, some are needs, but they are not requirements I hold of others. If they were I would never have married H! Speaking of H, I have never explicitly admitted my polyamorous desires to him. He may have picked up on it, but I’m not sure. When we started swinging I was all for wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am style, but H wanted friendship and ongoing playmates. I of course didn’t object, but we’ve had little to no success in having ongoing playmates despite our best attempts. Things just keep not working out. Which is fine, we’ve been very happy overall with our swinging experiences. But H still was seeking more, and I think B & his wife might be the right fit. Here’s my fear – what if I lose control of my polyamorous desires? What if it comes out that I want something that isn’t casual or just friends-with-benefits and I’m the only one? Or perhaps worse, B & his wife agree and only H doesn’t want it? These issues have been swirling in my mind all day. Added on top of my tiring work day and I get my current mood. I’m feeling exhausted and worn down. What I think of as my “sub zone” has a full force grip on me, I’m desperate to be humiliated and beaten, forced to beg and cry. I need used and cared for. I need to feel completely accepted and free. That’s what BDSM means to me. If only I had that in my life.

 

Last night B & his wife both texted me all day while we worked and all evening until we all went to bed. Or should I say “sexted” me, because that would be far more accurate. We traded a LOT of hot pictures, teased and tortured ourselves. We talked a lot about things we like and what we might want to try. I was so horny I accidentally admitted quite a few things I had intended not to share – such as how much I enjoy DP, my butt plug and a few stories of some of the more extreme sounding experiences H and I have had. Luckily B & his wife seemed to not only take it all in stride, they seemed interested in pushing their boundaries. I thoroughly enjoyed our texting/sexting marathon yesterday, but today I just felt hollow. I did text with both B & his wife some today, but not a ton due to my busy day at work and the mood I’ve been in afterward. I hoped getting a good work out in at the gym would lift my spirits and help me feel more positive, but alas it did not. The wine is also failing to erase my woes – guess I’m not an alcoholic! I know, I know, that joke was in poor taste. What can I say? I just don’t care at the moment.

 

Back to the topic of polyamory – a big part of why I haven’t talked with H about these desires I have is because if something does develop between us and another person or another couple, I want it to happen naturally. I don’t want H or anyone else to feel pressured, and I don’t want to add the stress of expectations or even hope to budding friendships (or whatever new playmates should be called!). B & his wife both said that they want to be friends, not just playmates and H & I believe them. After we met for drinks last weekend, H even told me a couple of times that he thinks B & his wife would be fun to just hang out with, and I completely agree. I’m finding it difficult however to talk with B and his wife so much without revealing more of myself. I have a lot of trust issues which B & his wife know nothing about at this point. Really they know nothing of importance about me – it’s all about the ‘fun’ stuff right now. Which I suppose is how it should be, except that B and his wife both keep making comments about how they want to be friends too. These comments are often enough that they seem to both have some level of investment in the outcome already, even without any sex having taken place. On the one hand I’m thrilled about that, as it’s likely a good sign for my poly desires, and even if not, I could certainly always use more true friends. On the other hand, I want so much from them that I’m finding it extremely difficult to put on the usual front of happy-go-lucky my life is nothing but awesome. I want to have real conversations with B & his wife; I want to confide in them, I want to trust them. But I can’t, at least not yet. What a quandary! I don’t know how things will go, or what may be in store for us. The good news is tomorrow is a new day, and with any luck I will be back to being grateful for having met B & his wife and let all of my concerns go until such a time it is proper to bring them to light. Wish me luck!