Evolution

So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading

Live or Die – That’s the Important Choice

I’m in pain. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I did something stupid on Friday. So much for impulse control being a good thing! I gave MCF a box of chocolates, left them on his desk while he was in a meeting. I bought them and brought them to work to eat, then I decided not to since I’m allergic to chocolate. I’ve occasionally left small things for MCF over the past year or so. Sometimes a muffin or doughnut, a soda, etc. It didn’t occur to me until far too late that chocolates are what you give a romantic interest. Now, what are the chances that my investigator-turned manager mentor whom I just so happen to have a crush on has failed to notice over the past year and a half plus that I can’t speak to him without blushing!? I may be in deep shit here with my mentor 😦

 

I had an appointment with a new pain care specialist to get a second opinion today. It did not go well. I wanted to die after she told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m in my 20’s living in agony and she tells me I just need to learn a few exercises at physical therapy and I’ll be fine!? As if the two rounds of a year plus I’ve spent in physical therapy meant nothing. I spent all day wanting to hurt myself, thinking about hurting myself. Was seriously tempted to take the box cutter at my desk to myself just for a second of relief. I didn’t, but I still might. You know, at home. Not at work where it could end my career if I got caught. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who understands that? Someone I could trust to give me pain when I need it and take care of me so I never had to hurt myself or think about hurting myself? I wonder if I’ll ever know. I doubt it.

 

I finally told H last night that I don’t want to play with BWC any more, that there’s no chemistry. I told BWC tonight and he freaked the fuck out. Then H spent hours messaging him pretending to be me cuz H was worried if I was honest BWC would harm us in some way as he has pictures of both of us apparently. So H told me what to say. Fuck my life. I can’t even be myself with random hookups and tell them to go away or ignore them without the risk of being blackmailed!? I am so done. I haven’t eaten a bite today, I threw up twice after my doctor’s appointment at work and my stomach has been in knots ever since. I never did get a dose of pain in any helpful form. And now somehow I have to pull my shit together to work all day again tomorrow. I literally cried for an hour and a half at work after my appointment this morning. Luckily the bosses were in a two hour meeting and missed all of it, but still. It was fucking embarrassing. I do not want to be that person, ever. God, the more I think about any part of this day the more I want to be dead.

Drawn Again to Mr. Casual Friday

Yesterday I went and spoke to Mr. Casual Friday again. I thanked him for his advice about passion earlier this week and told him while I’d said I would put faith in him being correct, I realized the next day that I didn’t have to – I know he’s right. I know passion is enough. I’ve never had that in a job, but I did have it when I volunteered as a domestic violence advocate. MCF is a former police officer, so I find it likely he understands how significant that type of volunteering was for me. I told him it changed my life, which is true. 

As usual, I went back a second time to see him yesterday. I couldn’t resist saying goodbye and seeing him just once more before four days off from work and being away from him. He is a Jehovah’s Witness, so I know he doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Regardless, I asked about his plans for the long weekend and he admitted he’d be working. I let him know I hope he doesn’t work too hard, which he brushed off casually. I assured him most would think he works too hard, but I know he believes in what he does which makes it admirable. He also mentioned making sure work doesn’t interfere with his home time, something he’s brought up occasionally in the past as well. He shared that his wife likes to sleep in and he likes to get up early, so problem solved.

I’m not sure if his intention is to gently offer marriage advice or if he is just opening up about his personal life a bit to me. Either way we do occasionally discuss the importance and mechanics of work-life balance. It’s comfortable with him. He makes me feel comfortable being me; he soothes the significant and varied fears I carry all day everyday. Just before I left I told him, “I know you don’t need anything, but if there ever is anything I can do for you, I hope you will let me know.” He took that in for a moment before responding, “I will.” and went on to mention my trajectory and the likelihood that at some point he will do so. I hope that happens. I didn’t have to courage to say the last part of my rehearsed offer, “nothing would please me more.” I’m trying so hard to be honest with him, but I just couldn’t scrape together any more courage in such a short span of time.

Although I didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he knows anyway. We reached a new understanding this week of a shared a drive to serve others. I did my best to make it clear to him the significance of the positive impact he has had on me and I’ve admitted to a desire to serve at the very core of my being. I have no doubt my investigator turned manager mentor can put two and two together to make four. I thanked him. I want so deeply to do more, to have more to offer in return, but at this time I simply don’t. He in turn thanked me, saying I didn’t have to come back down there and tell him all of this about the impact his advice had on me. I insisted it was the very least I could do and pointed out that by using thanking me as a diversion from my expression of gratitude he was only compounding the difficulty because, as we have previously acknowledged, we are both hesitant to accept recognition. 

I have long struggled to understand the connection I have with MCF. Perhaps it is these core similarities such as the desire to serve others, to eschew acknowledgement of ourselves and instead focus attention on others, integrity, commitment. I’m beginning to see that, as difficult as its been for me to understand him, we actually have a great deal in common. Perhaps the reason he is so deserving of my trust is because we are not so different from one another as I once presumed. 

Now, if I could just get over this:

Wanting More – Advice from MCF

I have no idea where I found the courage, but somehow, miraculously, I did. I talked to him yesterday. Not in the exact words from If Only I Had Enough Courage, but I admitted to the fear, the reason I’m … Continue reading

If Only I Had Enough Courage

To say this:

I figured out what’s going on and there’s no one else I can talk to about it, but I’m terrified of breaking this gift you’ve given me where you support me and advise me and protect my secrets as fiercely as I do. I’m terrified of being honest with you. Even after all this time, you are still an enigma to me.

If I asked you too personal a question, would you tell me? Or would you answer it, in spite of the fact that it’s inappropriately personal, just because you have nothing to hide? I don’t understand where the boundaries are between us. I don’t ever feel like there are any with you, but that can’t possibly be true. And yet, every single time I think I’m crossing a line you assure me that, in fact, I am not.

How did you do it, how did you change your mind set and get out of your own way when you went into management? Because my career is thriving, and I don’t know the first thing about how to thrive. All I’ve ever done is survive, surviving is the only thing I know how to do. And if I don’t learn how, my career won’t continue to thrive while I only survive. It can’t last, I get that. So please, I need your help. How do I let myself and my career thrive instead of just survive? How?

#ThingsI’llNeverSay to Mr. Casual Friday

Release

I need release. At this point I may even need it more than my next breath. I’m overwhelmed. I think this mask I wear to face the world has consumed me. I can’t get it off – and even if I could, it’s far too late now. I couldn’t possibly show my true self. No one would believe this hideously scared, broken, scared creature is me. No, I’m the star, I’m special, I’m the one with so much potential. I’m the one whose career is taking off at a breakneck speed because of my hard work and intelligent tactics and dedication and patience and skill. I’m the confident one, a natural leader, a team player. I’m the one you rely on when you need results. Hah! If only they knew…

If only they knew how afraid I am of failing, how far I still need to go to be a great leader, how lacking I truly am in patience and restraint and good judgment. Forget the mask of who I am, I can’t even take off the mask of what I am. How can I say no as they hand me my dream? I want this, but I was supposed to have to work for it, work up to it! This was supposed to come in 10 years, or, maybe, five years. Not now! I’m not ready. I will let everyone down. I’m not stable or confident or experienced or knowledgeable. I’m in way over my head and I’m sinking faster day after day. And through it all is Mr. Casual Friday, right there and utterly out of reach. I won’t ever be able to take off the masks for him, let alone give myself to him as my very being begs to. Am I never going to find a master, am I never going to get to be 100% authentic, without fear, with any other human being?

The masks are laughing at me. They own me and control me. They no longer serve me as they were made to, no. Now they exist and I’m stuck watching the life they live from the sidelines. I’m so isolated and alone. And I need. Where does it end?