The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll

4 Leaf Clover

Last weekend H and I went out of town for a couple of days to go to an Oktoberfest with some friends and family. I really didn’t want to go on a trip but H wasn’t taking “No.” for an answer, so I finally relented. We came home Saturday evening and B and his wife came over. I was extremely excited to see them and we had tentative plans to all spend Sunday together. So, naturally, I suggested a sleepover! H and I have a king size bed plus we have a guest room that never gets used, so there would be options for them. I so desperately want to go to sleep wrapped up in B and his wife and wake up next to them. They seemed amenable to the idea and agreed. I was really excited when they got here; nobody had eaten so I cooked dinner and we had drinks. The evening was going well and we moved to the bedroom. H and B’s wife got right down to business while B and I took our time a bit more. B wasn’t getting hard nearly as quickly as usual, but I honestly didn’t mind. We were making out, touching each other and holding each other close. It felt extremely intimate and I felt so vulnerable and cared for. B eventually got hard and we had sex some, but he didn’t stay hard. We went back to making out and touching and holding one another. B also gave me several orgasms through other means 😉

H and B’s wife seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves, which is always a big turn on for me. Then B’s wife and I decided we needed some girl-on-girl time. She likes to be in control and I love to make her cum, although it’s not super easy to accomplish. I played with her and enjoyed her body, but eventually had her sit on my face and ride me while I ate her out. Fuck it was so hot! I’ve never had a girl ride my face like that before and she later told me she doesn’t have much experience with that position but I loved it! She was kind of shy and holding back because she didn’t want to squish me so I wasn’t able to make her cum for me as she kept pulling away, but she clearly liked it and I love doing new things with her.

We were taking a breather and I went to clean up dinner in the kitchen. When I came back in the bedroom a few minutes later B and his wife were redressed and I immediately knew they were leaving. But, nobody said anything. The three of them just continued the conversation they had been having prior to my walking in. The last I’d heard H and B’s wife were planning to start a movie, so after a few minutes I asked about the movie. That’s when B’s wife said something along the lines of “We haven’t told her yet.” Told me WHAT!? Then B’s wife told me they were leaving and would be back in the morning. I was really sad they were going but didn’t want to pressure them, so I didn’t ask why. Nobody volunteered why either, they just said goodbye and went home. I felt abandoned. I thought one of my ultimate dreams was going to come true that night, falling asleep with them and waking up with them for the first time. Even if they had chosen to sleep in the guest room, at least I would’ve known they were nearby. I wanted that so badly and they had agreed, but now they were leaving and I didn’t know why. It really hurt.

A bit later B texted me apologizing for having so much difficulty getting/staying hard. I told him I honestly wasn’t upset and that I was very happy and really enjoyed my time with him (all of which was 100% true). B was still really upset and I couldn’t understand why. The next morning B and his wife didn’t come over like they had said they would. I was then told that B had done cocaine before coming over to our house. I knew that years ago B had been a cocaine user & dealer, but I assumed that part of his life was over. I never explicitly asked, I just got that impression. Apparently he still uses cocaine. He only told me because using cocaine has caused him to have trouble getting/staying hard in the past but he for some reason didn’t think it would happen this time. He wanted me to know it wasn’t me. Great – I feel so much better! Not.

I don’t like drugs. They scare me. I grew up in a bad area with a high density of drugs. I never knew anyone who used cocaine, but other drugs were prevalent. I’ve never even smoked pot because I don’t like to be out of control and it was always just too scary for me to not know how it would feel or how I would respond to doing drugs. Also, I didn’t like or respect the people I grew up around who did drugs so I had no desire to have something in common with them. I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but drugs are a big deal to me. However, I am also a very analytical person. I certainly feel deeply, but it’s not uncommon for me to need time to process something prior to knowing how I feel about it. Finding out that B does cocaine was one of those times for me. I was not happy and wished I’d known before he came over on it and had sex with me, but the fact that he uses cocaine occasionally was something I really needed to think about whether that was a deal breaker or not. Then, once I figured out how I felt, I also had to tell H and get his thoughts on it.

Unfortunately, while I was still in the processing stage, B’s wife and I had a series of miscommunications. I asked if H knew about the cocaine and she said “No.” I said I would talk to him and she got extremely defensive. She implied that H and I were judging them and treating them like a problem and that B occasionally using cocaine to “recreate” doesn’t affect anyone else other than his inability to perform sexually. I was angry with her because I didn’t even know how I felt about it yet, but I was thinking about it with an open mind and wasn’t judging them at all. I also never indicated it was a deal breaker in any way. B’s wife acted like H and I shouldn’t talk about the two of them almost, which is ridiculous! We are maintaining two independent marriages while being involved in our foursome; of course the two married couples talk about the other partners! Plus, it doesn’t make any sense to me that three people would know something the fourth doesn’t. I felt I was being completely calm, rational and reasonable in how I handled this extremely unexpected information and what do I get? B’s wife freaking the fuck out on me via text message. Awesome.

Eventually H and I talked and agreed that this didn’t mean we needed to end things, but H and I agree we don’t want to be at all involved and if B is using cocaine we don’t want him to be around us during those times. I called B and told him that his wife seemed really upset by me and I didn’t know how to fix it, so he talked to her which seemed to help. I then called her and we all seemed to be okay again. If only…

Monday was a strange day as B was still very upset over his perceived sexual issues and H and I were still reeling from the cocaine news. B’s wife tried to make plans for us to all have dinner together last night, and everyone was game except B. B and his wife talked, which led to them telling us they wanted to put the sexual aspects of our relationships on hiatus. The pressure was too much, they got in over their heads, and they needed to slow down and work on building solid relationships that would build up to sex rather than jumping in full steam ahead as we had done from the beginning. I had no problem with this, as I was already feeling B and I needed a chance to reconnect and feel that we were on the same page again before we had sex the next time. Unfortunately, H didn’t feel the same way. H still wanted this to be fun, not stressful or something we have to work at. H agreed we could continue to be friends, but nothing more. B’s wife and I were devastated. I’ve hinted at this already, but I admit at this point I was already completely in love with both B and his wife. Losing them from my life was unimaginable. However, I couldn’t change how H felt about the situation. H felt used and led on. He and B’s wife were having miscommunication problems of their own at the time.

Monday our cloverleaf broke up.

Tuesday was the worst day I can ever remember having. I was completely heartbroken. I was up all night Monday crying and didn’t get any sleep at all. I had a migraine and wasn’t able to eat. I did go to work Tuesday but I felt like I was dead inside, like I had nothing left. I was so afraid. I didn’t know how to not be in love with B and his wife, but we were still suppose to be friends. How can I be “friends” with people I’m in love with and not have that threaten my marriage??? How was I going to maintain my marriage while I was heartbroken over two people at once? I’ve never experienced a loss like that before. Tuesday after work B and I were texting and I was telling him some of this. We didn’t use the word ‘love’, but we were clearly taking about the same thing. H came home late and didn’t tell me where he was, which is not like him at all. I was extremely upset, heartbroken, not feeling well physically, and just sitting there waiting for him for an hour and a half. By the time he finally got home I was crying uncontrollably. I needed him.

Turns out H was talking to B’s wife in person and they had a good conversation. H completely lost track of time and was extremely sorry for upsetting me so much. I of course forgave him and was very happy he and B’s wife talked, I just needed to know where he was. I was hurting and vulnerable and alone – not a good combination for me! Apparently H and B’s wife worked through their earlier miscommunications and agreed they didn’t want things to end. H no longer had all of the negative feelings and anger he’d had the day before, and he was now, for the first time, willing to work on relationships between us all, even without sex. I was so grateful. H told me he and B’s wife think B and I have communication issues and really need to talk in person, sooner rather than later. I was all for that, so I invited B over. He agreed – I was so afraid he wouldn’t. But he did. So, H went to hang out with B’s wife and daughter and B came here. B and I talked and worked through some of the things that were troubling him. We held each other and kissed each other. We talked and laughed, but we also talked about our sexual relationship and the pressures we are feeling with one another. It was not easy but it was absolutely the right things for us. I was wrapped in B’s arms and he said, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?” I told him, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?”

I was so afraid I was never going to get to tell him I loved him. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to move forward with my life without our cloverleaf. I want three people who love me and three people to love. More than that, I want these three people to love me and to love. B is in love with me, and I’m in love with him. He promised not to try to bail on our relationship in the future. We agreed we are going to work on our communication and we are going to learn together how to be there for each other and communicate effectively with each other. I also suggested that we talk on the phone every night rather than having so much of our communication always be via text message. The cloverleaf all thought this was a great idea, so I’m looking forward very much to our first phone date at some point tonight. Later last night after B left, I was talking with his wife and telling her a bit about how things went between us. She told me, “I love u my dear. U are so so so so important to me” to which I of course responded, “I love you too. I am in love with you. But I was trying to wait to tell u in person when we were alone lol”. She loves me too! And I finally got to tell her that I’m in love with her!!! I’ve been wanting to do that for what feels like forever, but I was trying to give us all time to stabilize.

As horrible as feeling our cloverleaf collapse was, I think it was an extremely important step for us all. As a result, we all chose together to commit to building our relationships and our network and making it strong and lasting. H decided for the first time that he is okay with a polyamorous relationship rather than just being friends-with-benefits. B, his wife and I all laid our emotions on the line for one another. I admit I haven’t told H that I’m in love with them and that they are in love with me. I want to tell him, I’m just not sure how to. Maybe I will ask B’s wife for advise on that front…couldn’t hurt. Anyway, our cloverleaf survived something really difficult over the last few days and we’ve come out of it still together and much stronger and more deeply committed. As far as the rock n’ roll part of things…B’s wife LOVES this song and says it makes her think of our cloverleaf. Enjoy ❤

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The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Part I

4 Leaf Clover

Last Sunday H and I spent the day with B and his wife. It was amazing! We went to a video store and rented a movie, bought lunch and went back to their place. We crowded onto a three-person couch to watch the movie and eat lunch. It was cozy and comfortable. We talked and laughed and got along great, and I FINALLY got to touch B! We had some drinks and played some games on the bed. We incorporated stripping and making out into our game and soon we were all either tipsy or drunk and naked. The chemistry did not disappoint and we spent more time in separate rooms than all together on the bed. Both were great!

After spending the entire day together, we agreed to go boating the next day as we were all off for labor day. The boating was completely PG as we were out in a group with various co-workers and my parents, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. I quickly realized that I cannot get enough of them! B and his wife have a queen size bed so it was very intimate with all of us sharing it on Sunday and I loved every second of it! I was really looking forward to getting closer to B’s wife as she is exactly my type physically, but the boys had other plans for us…I got to make out with her and play with her tits a bit, but that was about all. She did finger me and eat me out for a few minutes (just long enough to make me squirt!). Apparently neither B nor his wife had ever seen a girl squirt before that day; luckily for me they both love it! They couldn’t seem to get enough and I soaked their bed. Good times!

The following week was rough for me emotionally (for unrelated reasons), and I worked hard on opening up to B and letting him in. It wasn’t easy but he did not disappoint; B is so kind, caring and supportive. He makes me feel incredibly loved. Needless to say I’ve completely fallen for him. I’m quite a ways down the road to trusting him completely already – far enough down that road in fact that I finally had the energy and emotional capacity to reach out to B’s wife and begin to deepen our relationship. I asked her if we could spend some one-on-one time together soon and we agreed to have a coffee date Saturday morning. We had previously made plans for the four of us to get together Friday night, which was, in a word, spectacular!

B and his wife came over to our place Friday evening. B had a rough day at work, so we talked about that for a while to give him a chance to unwind while H and B’s wife talked about I don’t know what (but they were smiling and laughing so all was good). Everyone had a drink in hand and we were all relaxed. Pretty soon B wanted to relocate from the kitchen area to the family room where H and B’s wife were sitting. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. B was already hard and I was wet in no time! We couldn’t wait and started fucking in the chair while we were both still fully dressed…it was H-O-T! H and B’s wife meanwhile were getting down to business on the couch but soon relocated to the bedroom and our king sized bed. B and I could hear them going at it, but we were busy soaking the couch and both of us. I can’t remember the last time I squirted so hard or so much!!!

Eventually B and I made it to the bedroom to join H and B’s wife. The king size bed and mirrored closet doors made for a great view for all involved. Eventually we all slowed down and B’s wife and I decided to take some time paying attention to one another with the men on either side of us. Neither B nor his wife have ever had anal sex, but I told her how much I love DP and how intense it is, which got her curious. I was prepared with lube and Booty Ease (sold by Pure Romance). I went to town on B’s wife; fingering her, eating her out, and playing with her ass. In no time flat she was moaning, breathing hard, flushed and tensing up. I had three fingers in her ass and four in her pussy and had to back off repeatedly so she wouldn’t orgasm before I had a chance to really enjoy her gorgeous body. I finally let her cum and it was beautiful. She is so amazing and I loved showing her how good she could feel doing something for the first time. At one point I was covered in sweat and cum and decided to go rinse off in the shower. I’d warned both B and his wife early on that I have issues with water, and I had since explained to B that E nearly drowned me more than once in a shower. Friday night I was comfortable enough that I gave an open invitation for anyone to join me to rinse off in the shower, which was a huge deal for me. B’s wife ended up joining me and I didn’t feel threatened at all; in fact, I really enjoyed it! Hopefully it will be that easy when B and I finally shower together too.

By the time we were done sexing each other up it was pushing 2 a.m. I did NOT want them to leave. I wanted the four of us to go to bed and sleep together. That’s probably what I would consider my wildest fantasy. It didn’t happen, B and his wife took off and went home as I knew they would. H and I knocked out our “bonus round” as I like to call it – H and I always have sex just the two of us after an experience with other people – and we slept soundly. Saturday morning I met up with B’s wife and we ended up at a local Shari’s where we ate and talked for hours. We really got to know each other and have an amazing amount in common. I freely admit I’ve continued to hold certain things back from both her and B, including my history of self injury and having affairs with married men. My plan is to tell B these things as soon as I get a chance to one-on-one, I think it will go a long way toward helping me let go of my remaining fear that B won’t truly want me once he gets to know the real me. After I tell him I will tell his wife. She and I really bonded Saturday morning and it was not a moment too soon!

B and I have been texting a lot and talking about our fears in this polyamorous relationship. We’ve been helping each other feel better overall, and I’m grateful the lines of communication seem to be so open between the four of us so far. I really hope that lasts. For my part I’m truly fighting my instincts every step of the way to let them in, and the rewards so far are beyond my wildest imagination. I want this so badly. B and I have also continued to discuss BDSM here and there and I am more confident than ever that we will at least try it, I just want to take things slow. I was even brave enough to tell him my fantasy of being spanked with a leather belt! He didn’t act shocked with I was very grateful for. However, none of the four of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship before and we have two separately established marriages to maintain as we get to know each other and discover what we want. It’s very strange to have all of the intense feelings I associate with dating when I’m already married and have commitments on my time that I can’t unilaterally change. It’s complicated and confusing, but so worth it. I am absolutely falling in love with both B and his wife. It’s terrifying to be so emotionally invested, and yet I can’t not be. I’m trying really hard to take things at a responsible pace with B…I keep reminding us both that we have time. I think at this point it’s challenging in a good way for us both – even if it does leave us constantly craving more. There is so much more that we’ve talked about and that I’ve learned which is worth discussing, but I’d better call it a night. More to come in the Cloverleaf Chronicles ❤

Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…

The Beginning

Last night H and I met a new couple!!! It was very exciting, more exciting than ever before in fact. Shhh! inner-poly, shhh! Anyway, we had actually met a new couple last month while I was sick and played just a little bit one evening. I’ve been meaning to write about that, but haven’t gotten around to it. The funny thing about that couple is that she and I have the same name. When we met, I really liked her but wasn’t attracted to him. She and I played just a little bit while the guys lent us a hand 😉 but I wasn’t feeling the connection I’d hoped for. So, we haven’t seen them since.

We have profiles on a couple of swinging websites, and we’ve been having trouble with someone stealing our pics and sending them as if they are us. Turns out that happened to a couple in our area a few months ago. Yesterday B contacted us and let us know. This led to us chatting all day then meeting last night! I must admit I have a serious crush on B at this point, and his wife is gorgeous also! We spent close to 3 hours talking last night and agreed that we want to pursue playing together. I haven’t heard from them today, but I also haven’t messaged them. It’s strange but I’m not sure how to proceed. I literally can’t wait to play with them both and I’m so horny I could barely sleep last night, but I don’t want to send them running either. I worry about coming on too strong. They seem like the best imaginable match for us, and live so close by that we would easily be able to see each other as often as we like. I really hope we play soon and that it’s as fun as I’m anticipating!

On another note, for anyone who’s read Spontaneity for the Win! C did indeed message me and say, “That night was fun, but thinking about it, I don’t want to do that again. Sorry. Good luck with everything.” I said, “No worries” to which he responded, “Ok”. So, I guess there won’t be a repeat performance. I really wanted more details, however I didn’t want to put any pressure on C since it was suppose to be about fun. At least H and I knocked out some fantasies in the process 😉 Hopefully we will meet up with B and his wife to play soon and I’ll have more to tell!

Spontaneity for the Win!

I did something impulsive last night, which is unlike me. I’m rather OCD so I enjoy order and like to plan things in advance. Last night was a major departure from that, and a positive one!

H and I skipped family stuff yesterday to stay home together. We talked a little about our relationship and the lack of sex lately, but managed to do it in a low key way without fighting. Let me tell you, that was a nice change! H ended up coming on to me and fucking me in the shower, which was great. Then a while later he asked for a blow job, and I happily complied. That got me laid as well 😉

After a couple rounds H was asking me why I haven’t been looking for people to play with and I explained that I was still interested but the timing hasn’t seemed good lately. He encouraged me to look if I want to play, so I hopped on craigslist. Usually there’s nobody that is both close to our age and attractive, but last night I found someone!

C had included his phone # in the add, so I sent him a text. He called me immediately and happened to be nearby. We hit it off and talked a bit and exchange some pics. H and I have fantasized for a long time about him watching another guy fuck me rather than having a threesome, and C was more than happy to oblige. He also said he has a big cock, but most people say that. I admit one of H & my other fantasies has been for me to get fucked by a guy with a bigger cock than H, but H is not small by any means so we’ve never succeeded.

Back to last night…I wasn’t at all comfortable inviting C over even though I was horny and he is HOT! My house was a mess, my hair was a mess, and I hadn’t spent much time talking with him about likes/dislikes etc. However, H continually encouraged me to invite C over. Eventually I gave in!

C came over and we got straight down to business. Turns out he actually does have a huge cock! The sex was amazing, I love being stretched open so much it hurts a little bit and I love being sore the next day. Why yes, thank you, I am actually having a *very* pleasant Monday this week 😉 I squirted so hard and so many times my muscles are exhausted today and I’m even a little shaky!

After C left H told me how hot it was to watch and that C can come fuck me anytime, even if H isn’t there. What!? That’s a big step for us, and one I’m more than happy to enjoy. I immediately texted C and told him the good news. He didn’t respond, but I assumed he was still driving home and didn’t give it another thought. H fucked me two more times after C left, but not until after I sat on his face and made him eat out my freshly fucked pussy. I had also told him before C arrived that I wanted him to wait to cum until he was inside of my stretched hole. I couldn’t tell you who was the most turned on in my house last night!

Have you been waiting for it? If so…you were right! Here’s the catch…I haven’t heard anything from C since he left 😦 C had to get up before 5 a.m. today, so I wasn’t surprised I didn’t hear back from him last night. But I hoped he might text me this morning, and he didn’t. Well, he could be busy at work (I have no idea what kind of job he has). So, around 11:30 this morning I sent C a text saying I hope he got home safely last night and that I had a lot of fun. Still no reply 😦

After the incredible sex last night I’d be extremely disappointed to not get a repeat performance. C even gave me a bunch of hickeys on my neck which I was not able to cover well at all for work today (Bonus! My mother is my ride home after work today and my hickeys are on my left side primarily). So, I’m trying to convince myself not to give up on C yet as it’s been less than 24 hours and he could very well still be at work right now but I have to admit I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him again :/ I hope I’m wrong!

C did tell me he wanted to be discreet as he is hoping his ex and he “will come back together”. I was moderately drunk last night so my memory isn’t crystal clear, but I wonder if one or both of us got caught up in the moment and said something we didn’t mean? I hope not as that would be a piss poor reason to miss out on more nights like last night!

Regardless of whether I hear from him again or not though, it was a fantastic night and I’m so glad I went against my instincts and took a leap of faith! Perhaps I’ll have to consider walking on the wild side (a.k.a. not planned in advance!) more often 😉

Casual Friday

My workplace has the whole spectrum as far as how people dress. We don’t have a dress code, so people wear whatever they feel is appropriate for their position. I wish people would dress professionally all the time; I do.

Some of my coworkers dress nicely Monday-Thursday and go more casual on Fridays. I think I hate that most of all! One of my coworkers is so tempting, and seeing his sexy ass in a pair of jeans every Friday like clockwork is not helping my concentration!!! He’s frustrating already, being so funny and flirty and sexy and smart. But he’s married, so chances are if I flirt with him it would be misinterpreted as sexual harassment, which would not help my budding career 😦

Also, aside from his marriage and us working together, he’s probably in his 40s which is far older than H likes to play with. I can’t help it, I’ve always been highly attracted to older men! Seriously, they only ever seem to get better looking! FML. So, he is (as usual!) teasing me mercilessly without even trying and all I can think about is dropping to my knees and begging to suck his cock while he’s fully dressed, in the middle of the office! Damn, that would be hot…

Sorry I haven’t been posting much, I am planning to get back to it 🙂

Happy Friday!

Cruise the River (is that what we’re calling it now?)

H and I met a local couple last year who we really hit it off with. She was exactly H’s type, under 30, blond, tall and thin, killer legs and big tits. I was hardly immune from her charms myself. He was more average but had tattoos (a favorite of mine) and dark hair. We had a lot in common with them, similar interests and of course an interest in playing with others. The only problem was that although he initially said they full swapped, he was actually the only one comfortable with that and she wasn’t. They were also rather flaky and last-minute, which was not fun for us. We played maybe three or four times and it was fun, but she was only interested in playing with me, not H. Because they were so difficult to meet up with things fizzled out.

A few months later H asked if I’d want to have just him over to play. Apparently they’d kept in touch. Cool. He came and we all had fun. Since then, he and she have split and he’s got a new hottie by his side. I need to learn how to get hot chicks from this guy!!! Seriously, he’s pretty average but he consistently bags super hot ass! I wish my game with the ladies was half as good.

Anyway, H mentioned that he and his new lady would be interested in playing, so I agreed. We haven’t actually met, but this has been in the last couple months or so, so it could still happen. What surprised me was when H told me he and this other guy were thinking about taking their jet skis out and cruising the river. Sounds like fun. That was a few days ago. Yesterday H mentioned it again, saying he couldn’t remember if he’d told me or not. Here’s the important part: I’m apparently not invited!?

In the beginning of this year we came to an agreement that we could both play with members of the same sex without the other person being there. At the time our work schedules led to us both spending a fair amount of time home alone. I never got a chance to take advantage of that agreement as within a few weeks H got a promotion and his work schedule is now the same as mine. My best guess is that H never had the opportunity to utilize that agreement either. Is that what this river trip is about?

There’s no reason for me to ask, as I have no issue at all if that is why they’re going. I was surprised when H made it clear that I’m not invited, but I’m not super upset. My motivation for not asking is that neither myself nor H have many friends of the same sex, and if he is just trying to build a friendship with a like minded guy I don’t want to make him feel weird about it or like I think everything has to be about sex. I am curious though! I can’t think of any other reason why I wouldn’t be invited.

If something interesting does happen, will H tell me? I hope so, but I suppose we never explicitly agreed to tell one another when we discussed this agreement. They were talking about going this weekend when I’m volunteering, so it’s possible H just didn’t want to be home alone for a couple hours, but that seems unlike him to me. H is typically very much a homebody. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly near the river if they do end up going!

I Haven’t Forgotten

A couple nights ago I had a dream, one I can’t quite shake. I don’t often think about V; I dream about him even more rarely. I don’t remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember him in bed with H and I. We were all naked, but V was separate from H & I. H was touching me and kissing me, but I wasn’t into it. I kept looking at V and wanting him; I didn’t understand why he wasn’t involved, why he wasn’t touching me. I dissociated from what H was doing and was completely focused on V. After a few minutes H stopped and I went to V. He had gotten up from the bed, so I followed. 

 

This is where the dream became so vivid it takes my breath away just thinking about it as I type. V looked at me, and I saw everything his eyes held back when I was sixteen and he was twenty four. I could see the affection he had for me, I could see his desire, and so much more in his eyes as he looked at me. I saw a future that I desperately want, filled with love, family, children. After an instant and an eternity of V looking down at me like that, he opened his arms and I wrapped myself in his embrace. I could feel his body against me, I felt the way we fit together. Its been over six years since last I touched him, and yet I had him in my arms once again in that damn dream. 

 

As soon as I looked into V’s eyes, it was as if H didn’t exist. V kissed me, and his lips were air to my drowning soul. I felt so strong, beautiful, safe and loved. All of my self-doubt, self-hatred, all of my complicated feelings and worries were just gone. In V’s arms I felt worshiped. More than that even, I felt understood completely. It’s difficult to convey adequately what his touch inspired in me, but it was everything I’ve ever wanted to feel. There was no rush; we took our time, we connected. The entire time H was nowhere to be seen. I trusted V with all that I am. Much as I’m not a fan of the phrase, we made love. After, H reappeared in my dream, but he was the 3rd wheel rather than my partner and my husband. V held me and whispered, “I love you.” 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was only a dream. I understand this isn’t how it was in real life. I truly don’t believe V ever loved me. But I did love him, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children. I’ve never felt that way about any other man. It’s funny, I didn’t actually realize that until just now, reflecting on this dream and my feelings. I love H, and I am so grateful to have him. I would never leave him. But, he isn’t someone I’d want to have children with. We are too different. Trying to raise children with H would be a never ending battle. That’s not what I want. So, when I tell H I don’t want children, it isn’t a lie. It’s true that I don’t want to raise children with him. But once upon a time, I desperately wanted children. For me, it comes down to trust. I trust H with my life, but I don’t trust him to be there forever, through thick and thin, no matter what. That’s what I’d need to be willing to have children. When V swore to me we’d be together, I believed him. He’s the only man that ever had my complete trust. I gave him all of me, and I’m not sure I ever got it all back.

 

If there’s one thing that’s become very clear to me since I’ve begun this blog, it’s that my submissiveness is not something I can hide or deny any longer. It’s ironic that I’d have such a dream about V now, when I’m so much more clear about what I want in a relationship, things that V could never have given me. H and I have been having a rough time. It’s nobody’s fault, we are just very different. We think differently, we communicate differently, we assume differently, we understand differently. It’s a constant battle for us to be on the same page. We are fighting, and we are fighting hard for our marriage. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s tiring. It leaves me feeling hollow, empty, lacking. Not all the time, but often enough. Things have been getting better, slowly but surely. H still makes me happy, we still love one another, we still want to be together. But I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind things being easy for a while.

 

I imagine that’s where this dream came from. Now that I’ve given it more thought, it does sound like just the break I want: being with the only man who ever had my trust without reservation, the man I wanted to raise children with. I get that the dream was just a fantasy, an idealized version of what was. It’s still hard to know what I felt in that dream is forever out of reach. V was the second man I ever went to bed with. I had a boyfriend before him, Z. We were both 16, and we only dated for one summer. I loved Z, still do in fact. Z is pretty messed up, his home life was a mess too. We both had anger issues and other emotional problems. The thing that gets me about Z is that I begged him not to promise he’d always love me. I begged him, because I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew I wouldn’t be the girl that gets the storybook happily ever after ending with her first love. I know that I have a hard time letting go. I also knew that if Z promised he’d always love me, I’d never be able to completely let him go. Because hearing him say it validated my always loving him. I don’t want to love him, but a part of me always will. He doesn’t feel the same. 

 

After being betrayed by so many men, at some point it’s tough to not see myself as the only common factor, as the root of the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be a saint. I’ve made a lifetime’s worth of mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll make many more. But I wasn’t wholly responsible either. I was a vulnerable, confused, hurting kid. I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn’t the adults who chose to use and abuse me. I can’t get the bitter taste out of my mouth because that damn dream forced me to relive so much of how I felt, of how innocent I was. Even when I’ve dreamed about being raped, or about E’s abuse, I rarely am this shaken up for this long. I had so much taken from me because nobody protected me, and I didn’t know how to protect myself. I want to let go of the past, I want to let go of the baggage. I just don’t know how. I want to be more connected with H, I want to help him understand me. I just don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am. I want to be happy, I want my marriage to be stronger. I want H to truly know who I am, I want us to trust one another with everything we are. I just have to find the right way; we have to find our path…

I Won’t Go Down Without A Fight

After my last post No orgasm in sight (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-ci), I realized that if I want a satisfying sex life, I need to make it a priority as I’ve always done in the past. Rather than feel sorry for myself and be unsatisfied, I needed to think of new ways to entice H. Que my most recent brilliant idea! I took myself right on down to my friendly local adult shop and bought one of these babies!

 

Spade

 

I’d never used a butt plug before, so I did a bit of research online. Now I’m no virgin when it comes to anal sex, however what I read online really stressed the necessity for caution as a beginner. Curious as all get out, I couldn’t wait to buy one and give it a whirl! I ended up choosing one in the “medium” size range, not wanting to be overconfident but it was clear by looking at the beginner ones they weren’t going to be nearly enough for my tastes. With a little sneaking around, I was able to hide my surprise from H until a couple days later.

 

Once H was distracted and I could steal a few moments alone, I went and got out my favorite new toy and got to work inserting it. Not really a challenge! While I could feel it, it was not a big deal at all. After some posts I’ve read from other subs about their experienced wearing a plug, I was expecting a lot more. Granted, they were probably using much larger ones and under far more challenging circumstances, but regardless, I was underwhelmed. So, what was my next move you ask? Why to masturbate, of course!

 

Here’s the difficulty, I didn’t want H to know what I was up to yet. So I pulled out that old stand by and ran myself a bath with my pussy right up under the faucet and the hot water streaming full force right onto my clit. The orgasm was great, and I could feel the plug a bit more when I came, but I still was far from seeing fireworks. Solo experimentation complete, I moved on to round two: seducing H. Can I just take a moment to say OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

 

I don’t know if ya’ll have ever used Like a Virgin made by Pure Romance, but its an awesome 24 hour tightening agent which makes him feel bigger and, obviously, her feel tighter. I’ve occasionally used this as a surprise for H or when we’ve played with others, but that is nothing compared to getting fucked with a butt plug in! I came so hard I was close to blacking out. H couldn’t believe how tight I felt, and although it wasn’t quite as good as DP, it was a strong second. I don’t get DP very often unfortunately and I’m always wanting more, so this baby is my new best friend (yes, I am in fact wearing it as I write this)!

 

Now I can’t wait to get a bigger one, and H has said that he wants to try one too. I’m so glad to have found our way back to an adventurous, fun and exciting sex life! Hopefully this will open the door once again to us talking about what we want in a way that is pressure free and fun rather than negative and stressful as it’s tended to be lately. If anyone out there is in need of a little inspiration, I highly recommend a trip to your friendly local adult store for a new toy (even if it’s just for you!). Changing things up in the bedroom has always been a successful strategy for me, and I’m glad to have finally remembered that!

Weekend Sex Marathon

Last week I wasn’t myself. I’m not sure whether it was due to stress, if I had a bit of a cold, or some other reason. But all week I was exhausted and my sex drive was lagging. H wasn’t upset, letting me fall asleep as early as I wanted and not even mentioning the lack of sex. By Friday night I was feeling much more like myself and my sex drive went crazy. We had sex twice before bed and H woke me up in the middle of the night for round three. Next thing I know it’s Saturday morning and H is waking me up with morning sex. I was soaking wet all day Saturday even after four rounds in under 12 hours, I was absolutely gagging for it (sadly, not literally :/). Saturday night we once again fucked twice before H passed out, but I was still vibrating with need. I let him sleep for as long as I could stand it (and no, masturbation did not in fact help at all) then woke H for yet another round. As for today? You guessed it, sex, sex followed by more sex. I should be happy, right?

 

H and I were talking about setting up play dates in the near future and what we wanted to do. Out came H telling me that he’d love it if I’d be more dominant with him. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Plus, I’ve legitimately tried to be dominant with him in the past on a few rare occasions. He’s never been into it. I tied him up once, which he didn’t like. Another time I played with his ass and wanted to rim him, but he just pushed me away. So I told him I’ve tried to before and that he’s never seemed interested. According to H he just didn’t know what I was doing. Am I married to another sub?

 

Seems entirely possible to me. I know H doesn’t like pain, but masochism isn’t a requirement. Then again, he also didn’t seem to like bondage. Perhaps he just falls more on the vanilla side of things? I really don’t know. Can a guy who will give me small amounts of pain in bed, strangle me, tie me up occasionally, full swap same or different room and at least occasionally enjoy pegging or bottoming for another guy be classified as vanilla? Trying to figure H out is giving me a headache!

 

Truth is, there are times when I like to be more dominant. In general, I’m dominant with women. I go after them aggressively and take what I want from their bodies. Not in a painful way, but I am quite assertive. One of the guys I use to hook up with, R, was always good at bringing out my dominate side. I’m not exactly sure how he did it, but he loved me telling him what I wanted and me being aggressive with him. It’s been years since I slept with R, but no other guy has ever pulled that reaction out of me, including H. I think as a sub I get a vicarious thrill from dominating others. Sometimes I fantasize about binding and lashing someone. Seeing the rope cutting in to someone’s flesh and the red striped color darker the longer the whipping goes on…I honestly don’t think I’m a sadist, I think it just turns me on because want it so badly. I’ve never actually done anything like that, just a little hair pulling or light scratching and biting is about it.

 

So, can I be more dominant with H? Absolutely. Do I want to? Perhaps on rare occasions, but certainly not regularly. Even if I do end up fulfilling that role, I’m certain it will do nothing to alleviate the churning, painful need to submit that’s practically suffocating me every day. I’ve been thoroughly fucked somewhere in the realm of 8-10 times in the last 36 hours, as well as having masturbated repeatedly in that same time frame, and I’m still ravaged by want. At one point, H was eating me out and I had my legs pulled up and open as wide as I could. My still heavily bruised thighs were on display, and H was driving me insane with his mouth. He got me to that perfect level of sensitivity where I couldn’t stop cumming. I must’ve came for close to 10 minutes straight; everything he did made me cum that much harder. I love getting to that point. It happens sometimes during sex, but most easily when I’m getting eaten out. Even half out of my mind and oxygen deprived (I’m not very good at remembering to breath when I’m cumming), I was still wishing more than anything that H would just put his hands or his elbows on my bruised thighs and use them to hold me down, hurt me while I came for him. But alas, no such luck for me. H was very careful every single time we fucked to avoid touching my bruises, let alone putting pressure on them. FML!

 

I don’t know what to do. This need just keeps growing, and my imagination is only getting further and further out of control. As much as I want H and I to have a BDSM relationship, I just don’t think that’s a realistic goal. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this need locked away, or how I’m going to cope when I finally can’t control it any longer.