I’ve had a full year! It’s hard to believe I was suicidal this time last year. A couple months ago my boss let us know we would have performance evaluations by the end of the year and gave us a … Continue reading
H has been talking for a number of months now about me helping him learn to dominate me. It is exceedingly ironic how hesitant I feel about this idea, considering it was what I wanted more than anything when I began blogging two-and-a-half or so years ago. I love H, but I have slowly realized that his inclinations lie far more on the submissive side of the spectrum than on the dominant side. With O temporarily fulfilling my need to submit, I was rather fond of the idea of a new adventure with H, and still think it would likely be more fulfilling if we could both engage our submissive tendencies at the same time.
Ever since I got my nipples pierced, H has been thoroughly enjoying them. In spite of the fact that I did it in order to get him to agree to let me get a new tattoo (and likely at least in part encouraged by Mr. Shy Guy), he has moved from toying with the idea of getting a Prince Albert to volunteering to get it done next month. Considering his needle phobia, I consider this quite remarkable. When he brought up the possibility of doing it this past weekend, I asked why he wanted to? H told me that he likes knowing how much it would turn me on if he got it. That is absolutely true, and having now fucked a guy with a PA I definitely know I would enjoy feeling it; however, I’m now stuck with making a decision about bringing up the possibility of chastity with him.
Don’t get me wrong, there would certainly be a lengthy period of him not being able to have sex while he healed, so we have already talked on multiple occasions about the fact that I absolutely would not intend to give up sex as well, and preferable would already have arrangements in place with another guy before he got pierced so that I wouldn’t need H for sex. Between his cuckold and slut wife fetishes, H thoroughly enjoys these discussions. However, I’m obviously not being completely forthright here, as the idea of him getting a PA was a direct result of my interest in locking him up rather than having experienced it for the first time as he probably believes.
Part of why I’m finding it difficult to broach the subject of chastity with him is due to his newly developed desire to dominate me. I am under no illusion that this is motivated by anything other than his wish to please me, which I guess is the problem. Even now that I expect never to hear from O again, I find I no longer wish to submit to H. I feel as though forcing him to take a dominant role simply because he knows I want to submit is doing him a disservice. I feel as though I am, intentionally or not, manipulating him into giving up who and what he is in order to accommodate me. Naturally I find that idea distasteful as a pleaser myself. So, I think male chastity could quite possibly be more fulfilling than H learning to top me, and yet I cannot bring myself to start this discussion.
Until this past weekend, each time H asked if I would teach him to dominate me I simply said ‘yes’ and left it at that. Apparently realizing I was not going to take the lead, H finally asked instead, “Can I use my belt on you?” I badly wanted to say no, for a number of reasons. Ideally he would have done research and we would have talked at length before trying anything. Also, he had been drinking all day and I knew he was not sober. Although we would not be doing any heavy BDSM, I was still concerned about his control or lack thereof. However, I found I could not turn him down. I fear that, was I to explain the many reasons I don’t want him to dominate me, he would be hurt.
Thus I ended up allowing H to use his belt on me. He started out quite lightly, and kept asking me if it was okay, if I wanted more, if he should do it harder, etc. I responded each time, trying to be encouraging regardless of what I was communicating. However, he continuously went harder and harder, which was quickly becoming a problem. He obviously had no idea what it felt like, nor where skin is more sensitive than other places, and his control of his aim was questionable. I specifically warned him to avoid the area of my kidneys, and he did land one blow in that vicinity anyway. I finally had to tell him that he kept going harder and harder and that that was not necessary.
He asked me repeatedly if I liked it, and although I said ‘yes’, I don’t think that was truthful at all. Because of his lack of knowledge and experience, combined with his intoxication, I had to be careful to remain in control of what was going on. I’m not sure what exactly H expected, but whatever it was, he didn’t get it from me. He asked many more times after we stopped if I liked it and, although I said I did, perhaps he could tell I was being disingenuous. I don’t think he understood why I didn’t let go, and I didn’t try to explain it to him. He asked if it would be different in time and I said ‘practice makes perfect’. I tried to stay super positive about the whole thing as he wanted so badly to please me, but I don’t know if I could truly submit under any circumstances if I knew he was only topping me because he knew I wanted a Dom.
More irony…O once told me something along the lines of that he adapts what he does to each individual he is with, and that he only caused me pain because he understood how much I needed it. I was taken aback when he said this, as I honestly thought he had a sadistic streak in him. After I told him about this blog, we discussed fantasies for years both oriented around sex and BDSM. I thought he wanted to use his belt on me nearly as badly as I wanted it…I guess not. Perhaps I should see it as a blessing, now that I’ve finally run him out of my life. I want a Dom who needs submission the way I need domination; that will never be H.
So now I guess my problems really just boil down to having conversations with H that I’m uncomfortable with. I fear he will feel rejected if I explain the many reasons I don’t want him to top me, and I also fear his reaction to my broaching the subject of chastity with him. The bottom line is that I no longer have the trust in him I once did, when I felt I could admit any kink and it would be okay. Now these topics hold great power in our relationship, as we’ve struggled with my submissiveness, differing sexual drives and so many other things through our years together thus far.
On a positive note, H and I have begun to explore the possibility of fisting over the past few months. We are definitely not there yet, but working toward this goal has become a regular part of our sex life. I never found the idea of particular interest when I was younger, but knowing how much I love being stretched open I’ve recently found the idea intriguing enough to give it a go. I honestly don’t know if we will ever be totally successful in this venture, but I certainly enjoy trying! The soreness I feel for a couple of days after we partake is delicious. We certainly don’t have everything figured out in this crazy life of ours, but there are so many wonderful things mixed in with the difficult pieces 🙂
Just had the funniest thought…I wonder what would happen if I put a YKINOK stop sign with an “X” through it on my desk at work? Anything? It would clearly identify me as a kinkster to other kinksters; however, if anyone got curious a quick Google search reveals what the acronym means. So maybe I’d get called on it? That would be a terribly awkward HR conversation for my boss! Not today…but you never know what the future holds 😉
B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.
B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.
B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!
B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!
Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.
Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…
This is another one of those posts/topics that I’m finding extremely difficult to write. It’s been over a month since I began drafting this post; at this point I’m just going to get down what I can and call it … Continue reading