So much has changed and I simply haven’t had the time (or energy) to write in far too long; I’m not even sure where to start. There have been incredible changes in H. We were really going through a rough … Continue reading

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll

4 Leaf Clover

Last weekend H and I went out of town for a couple of days to go to an Oktoberfest with some friends and family. I really didn’t want to go on a trip but H wasn’t taking “No.” for an answer, so I finally relented. We came home Saturday evening and B and his wife came over. I was extremely excited to see them and we had tentative plans to all spend Sunday together. So, naturally, I suggested a sleepover! H and I have a king size bed plus we have a guest room that never gets used, so there would be options for them. I so desperately want to go to sleep wrapped up in B and his wife and wake up next to them. They seemed amenable to the idea and agreed. I was really excited when they got here; nobody had eaten so I cooked dinner and we had drinks. The evening was going well and we moved to the bedroom. H and B’s wife got right down to business while B and I took our time a bit more. B wasn’t getting hard nearly as quickly as usual, but I honestly didn’t mind. We were making out, touching each other and holding each other close. It felt extremely intimate and I felt so vulnerable and cared for. B eventually got hard and we had sex some, but he didn’t stay hard. We went back to making out and touching and holding one another. B also gave me several orgasms through other means 😉

H and B’s wife seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves, which is always a big turn on for me. Then B’s wife and I decided we needed some girl-on-girl time. She likes to be in control and I love to make her cum, although it’s not super easy to accomplish. I played with her and enjoyed her body, but eventually had her sit on my face and ride me while I ate her out. Fuck it was so hot! I’ve never had a girl ride my face like that before and she later told me she doesn’t have much experience with that position but I loved it! She was kind of shy and holding back because she didn’t want to squish me so I wasn’t able to make her cum for me as she kept pulling away, but she clearly liked it and I love doing new things with her.

We were taking a breather and I went to clean up dinner in the kitchen. When I came back in the bedroom a few minutes later B and his wife were redressed and I immediately knew they were leaving. But, nobody said anything. The three of them just continued the conversation they had been having prior to my walking in. The last I’d heard H and B’s wife were planning to start a movie, so after a few minutes I asked about the movie. That’s when B’s wife said something along the lines of “We haven’t told her yet.” Told me WHAT!? Then B’s wife told me they were leaving and would be back in the morning. I was really sad they were going but didn’t want to pressure them, so I didn’t ask why. Nobody volunteered why either, they just said goodbye and went home. I felt abandoned. I thought one of my ultimate dreams was going to come true that night, falling asleep with them and waking up with them for the first time. Even if they had chosen to sleep in the guest room, at least I would’ve known they were nearby. I wanted that so badly and they had agreed, but now they were leaving and I didn’t know why. It really hurt.

A bit later B texted me apologizing for having so much difficulty getting/staying hard. I told him I honestly wasn’t upset and that I was very happy and really enjoyed my time with him (all of which was 100% true). B was still really upset and I couldn’t understand why. The next morning B and his wife didn’t come over like they had said they would. I was then told that B had done cocaine before coming over to our house. I knew that years ago B had been a cocaine user & dealer, but I assumed that part of his life was over. I never explicitly asked, I just got that impression. Apparently he still uses cocaine. He only told me because using cocaine has caused him to have trouble getting/staying hard in the past but he for some reason didn’t think it would happen this time. He wanted me to know it wasn’t me. Great – I feel so much better! Not.

I don’t like drugs. They scare me. I grew up in a bad area with a high density of drugs. I never knew anyone who used cocaine, but other drugs were prevalent. I’ve never even smoked pot because I don’t like to be out of control and it was always just too scary for me to not know how it would feel or how I would respond to doing drugs. Also, I didn’t like or respect the people I grew up around who did drugs so I had no desire to have something in common with them. I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but drugs are a big deal to me. However, I am also a very analytical person. I certainly feel deeply, but it’s not uncommon for me to need time to process something prior to knowing how I feel about it. Finding out that B does cocaine was one of those times for me. I was not happy and wished I’d known before he came over on it and had sex with me, but the fact that he uses cocaine occasionally was something I really needed to think about whether that was a deal breaker or not. Then, once I figured out how I felt, I also had to tell H and get his thoughts on it.

Unfortunately, while I was still in the processing stage, B’s wife and I had a series of miscommunications. I asked if H knew about the cocaine and she said “No.” I said I would talk to him and she got extremely defensive. She implied that H and I were judging them and treating them like a problem and that B occasionally using cocaine to “recreate” doesn’t affect anyone else other than his inability to perform sexually. I was angry with her because I didn’t even know how I felt about it yet, but I was thinking about it with an open mind and wasn’t judging them at all. I also never indicated it was a deal breaker in any way. B’s wife acted like H and I shouldn’t talk about the two of them almost, which is ridiculous! We are maintaining two independent marriages while being involved in our foursome; of course the two married couples talk about the other partners! Plus, it doesn’t make any sense to me that three people would know something the fourth doesn’t. I felt I was being completely calm, rational and reasonable in how I handled this extremely unexpected information and what do I get? B’s wife freaking the fuck out on me via text message. Awesome.

Eventually H and I talked and agreed that this didn’t mean we needed to end things, but H and I agree we don’t want to be at all involved and if B is using cocaine we don’t want him to be around us during those times. I called B and told him that his wife seemed really upset by me and I didn’t know how to fix it, so he talked to her which seemed to help. I then called her and we all seemed to be okay again. If only…

Monday was a strange day as B was still very upset over his perceived sexual issues and H and I were still reeling from the cocaine news. B’s wife tried to make plans for us to all have dinner together last night, and everyone was game except B. B and his wife talked, which led to them telling us they wanted to put the sexual aspects of our relationships on hiatus. The pressure was too much, they got in over their heads, and they needed to slow down and work on building solid relationships that would build up to sex rather than jumping in full steam ahead as we had done from the beginning. I had no problem with this, as I was already feeling B and I needed a chance to reconnect and feel that we were on the same page again before we had sex the next time. Unfortunately, H didn’t feel the same way. H still wanted this to be fun, not stressful or something we have to work at. H agreed we could continue to be friends, but nothing more. B’s wife and I were devastated. I’ve hinted at this already, but I admit at this point I was already completely in love with both B and his wife. Losing them from my life was unimaginable. However, I couldn’t change how H felt about the situation. H felt used and led on. He and B’s wife were having miscommunication problems of their own at the time.

Monday our cloverleaf broke up.

Tuesday was the worst day I can ever remember having. I was completely heartbroken. I was up all night Monday crying and didn’t get any sleep at all. I had a migraine and wasn’t able to eat. I did go to work Tuesday but I felt like I was dead inside, like I had nothing left. I was so afraid. I didn’t know how to not be in love with B and his wife, but we were still suppose to be friends. How can I be “friends” with people I’m in love with and not have that threaten my marriage??? How was I going to maintain my marriage while I was heartbroken over two people at once? I’ve never experienced a loss like that before. Tuesday after work B and I were texting and I was telling him some of this. We didn’t use the word ‘love’, but we were clearly taking about the same thing. H came home late and didn’t tell me where he was, which is not like him at all. I was extremely upset, heartbroken, not feeling well physically, and just sitting there waiting for him for an hour and a half. By the time he finally got home I was crying uncontrollably. I needed him.

Turns out H was talking to B’s wife in person and they had a good conversation. H completely lost track of time and was extremely sorry for upsetting me so much. I of course forgave him and was very happy he and B’s wife talked, I just needed to know where he was. I was hurting and vulnerable and alone – not a good combination for me! Apparently H and B’s wife worked through their earlier miscommunications and agreed they didn’t want things to end. H no longer had all of the negative feelings and anger he’d had the day before, and he was now, for the first time, willing to work on relationships between us all, even without sex. I was so grateful. H told me he and B’s wife think B and I have communication issues and really need to talk in person, sooner rather than later. I was all for that, so I invited B over. He agreed – I was so afraid he wouldn’t. But he did. So, H went to hang out with B’s wife and daughter and B came here. B and I talked and worked through some of the things that were troubling him. We held each other and kissed each other. We talked and laughed, but we also talked about our sexual relationship and the pressures we are feeling with one another. It was not easy but it was absolutely the right things for us. I was wrapped in B’s arms and he said, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?” I told him, “You know that I’m in love with you, right?”

I was so afraid I was never going to get to tell him I loved him. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to move forward with my life without our cloverleaf. I want three people who love me and three people to love. More than that, I want these three people to love me and to love. B is in love with me, and I’m in love with him. He promised not to try to bail on our relationship in the future. We agreed we are going to work on our communication and we are going to learn together how to be there for each other and communicate effectively with each other. I also suggested that we talk on the phone every night rather than having so much of our communication always be via text message. The cloverleaf all thought this was a great idea, so I’m looking forward very much to our first phone date at some point tonight. Later last night after B left, I was talking with his wife and telling her a bit about how things went between us. She told me, “I love u my dear. U are so so so so important to me” to which I of course responded, “I love you too. I am in love with you. But I was trying to wait to tell u in person when we were alone lol”. She loves me too! And I finally got to tell her that I’m in love with her!!! I’ve been wanting to do that for what feels like forever, but I was trying to give us all time to stabilize.

As horrible as feeling our cloverleaf collapse was, I think it was an extremely important step for us all. As a result, we all chose together to commit to building our relationships and our network and making it strong and lasting. H decided for the first time that he is okay with a polyamorous relationship rather than just being friends-with-benefits. B, his wife and I all laid our emotions on the line for one another. I admit I haven’t told H that I’m in love with them and that they are in love with me. I want to tell him, I’m just not sure how to. Maybe I will ask B’s wife for advise on that front…couldn’t hurt. Anyway, our cloverleaf survived something really difficult over the last few days and we’ve come out of it still together and much stronger and more deeply committed. As far as the rock n’ roll part of things…B’s wife LOVES this song and says it makes her think of our cloverleaf. Enjoy ❤

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Growing Pains

4 Leaf Clover

Today is the one month anniversary of when the four of us met! Over the weekend H and I finally met B and his wife’s daughter. I was very excited to meet her and she is an adorable girl. B is not her biological father, but he’s been in her life since she was very young. Her biological father lives near by, so B and his wife have her 50% of the time, and the other 50% of the time she is with her biological father. I wasn’t sure before how close B and she were, but H and I spent time with the three of them over the weekend and it’s clear that they are a family. She calls B “daddy” which I find so endearing. B obviously loves her very much. I had asked him at one point if he and his wife wanted more kids and B told me they did want one of their own some day. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, over the weekend B and I went to a local dog park just the two of us and talked for a couple of hours straight. I told him the things I’ve been holding back: about V, my history of sleeping with married men and the cutting. It was also my first chance to really talk with him about my family and some of the crap I dealt with growing up. He was, as always, extremely kind and understanding. He hugged me and held me and encouraged me. It was a wonderful feeling, and I was so glad to finally feel like everything is out in the open between us.

Naturally, I didn’t want to be far behind with his wife. She also enjoys writing, so we decided to share some of our stuff. I pulled quite a bit directly off of this blog and sent it to her. I hadn’t told her about the cutting, but she pretty much knew about the rest. However, she and I haven’t really talked about BDSM and that was certainly a recurring theme in what I sent her. She read most of what I sent her today and responded with a bunch of interesting and thoughtful questions. I was extremely nervous last night after I sent her so much of who I am and what I struggle with that I’d made a mistake and our cloverleaf was going to fall to pieces because I showed the real me. Instead my relationships with both B and his wife are already stronger. It feels amazing to be cared for by people who know things that matter to me, by people I’ve chosen to trust.

H seems to be the most unstable component of our cloverleaf so far, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. B said he thinks H might see our relationships as more of a friends-with-benefits situation than a polyamorous relationship, however B and H don’t really talk to one another so he’s drawing that conclusion indirectly. I admit it’s possible B is right, but my gut is that H is interested in B’s wife as more than a friend-with-benefits based on the time and energy he is investing in his relationship with her. Also, B’s wife has her own baggage and perhaps isn’t connecting with H on the deeper level that I’ve been connecting with both B and her. However, H needs the most time out of all of us to become comfortable and it takes time to really get to know him. I hope that over time H and B’s wife’s relationship will deepen. On a selfish note, although I would be wrecked if I lost B and his wife from my life, at least H and I will have had an experience with polyamory and perhaps we will find a permanent relationship down the road. In the meantime, the cloverleaf continues to learn and grow. I personally feel like I’ve grown a ton in the last month just by letting new people into my life and opening my heart again. Whatever happens in the end, I am grateful.

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Part I

4 Leaf Clover

Last Sunday H and I spent the day with B and his wife. It was amazing! We went to a video store and rented a movie, bought lunch and went back to their place. We crowded onto a three-person couch to watch the movie and eat lunch. It was cozy and comfortable. We talked and laughed and got along great, and I FINALLY got to touch B! We had some drinks and played some games on the bed. We incorporated stripping and making out into our game and soon we were all either tipsy or drunk and naked. The chemistry did not disappoint and we spent more time in separate rooms than all together on the bed. Both were great!

After spending the entire day together, we agreed to go boating the next day as we were all off for labor day. The boating was completely PG as we were out in a group with various co-workers and my parents, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. I quickly realized that I cannot get enough of them! B and his wife have a queen size bed so it was very intimate with all of us sharing it on Sunday and I loved every second of it! I was really looking forward to getting closer to B’s wife as she is exactly my type physically, but the boys had other plans for us…I got to make out with her and play with her tits a bit, but that was about all. She did finger me and eat me out for a few minutes (just long enough to make me squirt!). Apparently neither B nor his wife had ever seen a girl squirt before that day; luckily for me they both love it! They couldn’t seem to get enough and I soaked their bed. Good times!

The following week was rough for me emotionally (for unrelated reasons), and I worked hard on opening up to B and letting him in. It wasn’t easy but he did not disappoint; B is so kind, caring and supportive. He makes me feel incredibly loved. Needless to say I’ve completely fallen for him. I’m quite a ways down the road to trusting him completely already – far enough down that road in fact that I finally had the energy and emotional capacity to reach out to B’s wife and begin to deepen our relationship. I asked her if we could spend some one-on-one time together soon and we agreed to have a coffee date Saturday morning. We had previously made plans for the four of us to get together Friday night, which was, in a word, spectacular!

B and his wife came over to our place Friday evening. B had a rough day at work, so we talked about that for a while to give him a chance to unwind while H and B’s wife talked about I don’t know what (but they were smiling and laughing so all was good). Everyone had a drink in hand and we were all relaxed. Pretty soon B wanted to relocate from the kitchen area to the family room where H and B’s wife were sitting. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. B was already hard and I was wet in no time! We couldn’t wait and started fucking in the chair while we were both still fully dressed…it was H-O-T! H and B’s wife meanwhile were getting down to business on the couch but soon relocated to the bedroom and our king sized bed. B and I could hear them going at it, but we were busy soaking the couch and both of us. I can’t remember the last time I squirted so hard or so much!!!

Eventually B and I made it to the bedroom to join H and B’s wife. The king size bed and mirrored closet doors made for a great view for all involved. Eventually we all slowed down and B’s wife and I decided to take some time paying attention to one another with the men on either side of us. Neither B nor his wife have ever had anal sex, but I told her how much I love DP and how intense it is, which got her curious. I was prepared with lube and Booty Ease (sold by Pure Romance). I went to town on B’s wife; fingering her, eating her out, and playing with her ass. In no time flat she was moaning, breathing hard, flushed and tensing up. I had three fingers in her ass and four in her pussy and had to back off repeatedly so she wouldn’t orgasm before I had a chance to really enjoy her gorgeous body. I finally let her cum and it was beautiful. She is so amazing and I loved showing her how good she could feel doing something for the first time. At one point I was covered in sweat and cum and decided to go rinse off in the shower. I’d warned both B and his wife early on that I have issues with water, and I had since explained to B that E nearly drowned me more than once in a shower. Friday night I was comfortable enough that I gave an open invitation for anyone to join me to rinse off in the shower, which was a huge deal for me. B’s wife ended up joining me and I didn’t feel threatened at all; in fact, I really enjoyed it! Hopefully it will be that easy when B and I finally shower together too.

By the time we were done sexing each other up it was pushing 2 a.m. I did NOT want them to leave. I wanted the four of us to go to bed and sleep together. That’s probably what I would consider my wildest fantasy. It didn’t happen, B and his wife took off and went home as I knew they would. H and I knocked out our “bonus round” as I like to call it – H and I always have sex just the two of us after an experience with other people – and we slept soundly. Saturday morning I met up with B’s wife and we ended up at a local Shari’s where we ate and talked for hours. We really got to know each other and have an amazing amount in common. I freely admit I’ve continued to hold certain things back from both her and B, including my history of self injury and having affairs with married men. My plan is to tell B these things as soon as I get a chance to one-on-one, I think it will go a long way toward helping me let go of my remaining fear that B won’t truly want me once he gets to know the real me. After I tell him I will tell his wife. She and I really bonded Saturday morning and it was not a moment too soon!

B and I have been texting a lot and talking about our fears in this polyamorous relationship. We’ve been helping each other feel better overall, and I’m grateful the lines of communication seem to be so open between the four of us so far. I really hope that lasts. For my part I’m truly fighting my instincts every step of the way to let them in, and the rewards so far are beyond my wildest imagination. I want this so badly. B and I have also continued to discuss BDSM here and there and I am more confident than ever that we will at least try it, I just want to take things slow. I was even brave enough to tell him my fantasy of being spanked with a leather belt! He didn’t act shocked with I was very grateful for. However, none of the four of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship before and we have two separately established marriages to maintain as we get to know each other and discover what we want. It’s very strange to have all of the intense feelings I associate with dating when I’m already married and have commitments on my time that I can’t unilaterally change. It’s complicated and confusing, but so worth it. I am absolutely falling in love with both B and his wife. It’s terrifying to be so emotionally invested, and yet I can’t not be. I’m trying really hard to take things at a responsible pace with B…I keep reminding us both that we have time. I think at this point it’s challenging in a good way for us both – even if it does leave us constantly craving more. There is so much more that we’ve talked about and that I’ve learned which is worth discussing, but I’d better call it a night. More to come in the Cloverleaf Chronicles ❤

Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…

Swinging, BDSM, Kink & Polyamory – The Story of Me

Here I sit, glass of wine in hand, after a solid work out at the gym. I had a very difficult day at work today, although I came out of it smelling like a rose and having actually increased my esteem in a couple of people’s eyes including my boss. H is out of town on a family vacation that I opted out of – I went last year and didn’t enjoy myself. I miss him, but I am really enjoying the solitude. It’s a nice change for there to be no pressure. I don’t have to do or say the right things, or use the right tone. The T.V. hasn’t been on once since he left, and I find the lack of noise relaxing. My day at work was challenging on a personal level. I had two very uncomfortable conversations with two different people who are higher than me in the food chain. After both discussions these individuals agreed with everything I’d done, but I really did not want to discuss either topic. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great to affirm others’ support of me and my work. But discussing things I find emotionally draining at work was not on my to-do list, thank you very much!


Aside from having a difficult day, I’ve been extremely preoccupied with the couple H and I met last weekend, B & his wife. I’m finding this to be both good and bad. If you’ve read my post The Beginning you’re aware that last month H and I met a different couple. This morning, right at 8:00 a.m. when I was starting work, the girl from the first couple (who happens to have the same first name as I do) sent me a text wanting to arrange a play date. After meeting that couple I found the chemistry lacking with her fiancee and am not really interested in playing with him. On top of that, I am very interested in B and his wife. My inner poly is screaming at me not to mess this up. H and I haven’t even played with B and his wife yet, we only met once for drinks and have been texting for almost a week, yet I want so much from them. I think I’m starting to sound like a broken record…we meet, I fall hard, I want more, I move on. Perhaps that’s the way it’s suppose to be with swinging, super intense and exciting and running its course quickly as well. I’m not sure, but I think I’d be happier in a long term arrangement. B and his wife are far less experienced than H and I, in fact they have never even had a foursome. They have only had M/F/F threesomes in the past. B’s wife says she likes H so much that she is comfortable with a foursome, and after talking to her quite a bit I believe her. At this point I’m more concerned H isn’t as attracted to her as he claims to be and that will be the break down in our four way chemistry.


Even if our chemistry continues to be great, I’m also afraid of scaring off B & his wife. I’m kinky – it’s a fact. I can hide it some, but not completely. And more importantly, I don’t want to hide it. I’m sick and tired of hiding. My kinks and my need to submit are desires, some are needs, but they are not requirements I hold of others. If they were I would never have married H! Speaking of H, I have never explicitly admitted my polyamorous desires to him. He may have picked up on it, but I’m not sure. When we started swinging I was all for wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am style, but H wanted friendship and ongoing playmates. I of course didn’t object, but we’ve had little to no success in having ongoing playmates despite our best attempts. Things just keep not working out. Which is fine, we’ve been very happy overall with our swinging experiences. But H still was seeking more, and I think B & his wife might be the right fit. Here’s my fear – what if I lose control of my polyamorous desires? What if it comes out that I want something that isn’t casual or just friends-with-benefits and I’m the only one? Or perhaps worse, B & his wife agree and only H doesn’t want it? These issues have been swirling in my mind all day. Added on top of my tiring work day and I get my current mood. I’m feeling exhausted and worn down. What I think of as my “sub zone” has a full force grip on me, I’m desperate to be humiliated and beaten, forced to beg and cry. I need used and cared for. I need to feel completely accepted and free. That’s what BDSM means to me. If only I had that in my life.


Last night B & his wife both texted me all day while we worked and all evening until we all went to bed. Or should I say “sexted” me, because that would be far more accurate. We traded a LOT of hot pictures, teased and tortured ourselves. We talked a lot about things we like and what we might want to try. I was so horny I accidentally admitted quite a few things I had intended not to share – such as how much I enjoy DP, my butt plug and a few stories of some of the more extreme sounding experiences H and I have had. Luckily B & his wife seemed to not only take it all in stride, they seemed interested in pushing their boundaries. I thoroughly enjoyed our texting/sexting marathon yesterday, but today I just felt hollow. I did text with both B & his wife some today, but not a ton due to my busy day at work and the mood I’ve been in afterward. I hoped getting a good work out in at the gym would lift my spirits and help me feel more positive, but alas it did not. The wine is also failing to erase my woes – guess I’m not an alcoholic! I know, I know, that joke was in poor taste. What can I say? I just don’t care at the moment.


Back to the topic of polyamory – a big part of why I haven’t talked with H about these desires I have is because if something does develop between us and another person or another couple, I want it to happen naturally. I don’t want H or anyone else to feel pressured, and I don’t want to add the stress of expectations or even hope to budding friendships (or whatever new playmates should be called!). B & his wife both said that they want to be friends, not just playmates and H & I believe them. After we met for drinks last weekend, H even told me a couple of times that he thinks B & his wife would be fun to just hang out with, and I completely agree. I’m finding it difficult however to talk with B and his wife so much without revealing more of myself. I have a lot of trust issues which B & his wife know nothing about at this point. Really they know nothing of importance about me – it’s all about the ‘fun’ stuff right now. Which I suppose is how it should be, except that B and his wife both keep making comments about how they want to be friends too. These comments are often enough that they seem to both have some level of investment in the outcome already, even without any sex having taken place. On the one hand I’m thrilled about that, as it’s likely a good sign for my poly desires, and even if not, I could certainly always use more true friends. On the other hand, I want so much from them that I’m finding it extremely difficult to put on the usual front of happy-go-lucky my life is nothing but awesome. I want to have real conversations with B & his wife; I want to confide in them, I want to trust them. But I can’t, at least not yet. What a quandary! I don’t know how things will go, or what may be in store for us. The good news is tomorrow is a new day, and with any luck I will be back to being grateful for having met B & his wife and let all of my concerns go until such a time it is proper to bring them to light. Wish me luck!

The Beginning

Last night H and I met a new couple!!! It was very exciting, more exciting than ever before in fact. Shhh! inner-poly, shhh! Anyway, we had actually met a new couple last month while I was sick and played just a little bit one evening. I’ve been meaning to write about that, but haven’t gotten around to it. The funny thing about that couple is that she and I have the same name. When we met, I really liked her but wasn’t attracted to him. She and I played just a little bit while the guys lent us a hand 😉 but I wasn’t feeling the connection I’d hoped for. So, we haven’t seen them since.

We have profiles on a couple of swinging websites, and we’ve been having trouble with someone stealing our pics and sending them as if they are us. Turns out that happened to a couple in our area a few months ago. Yesterday B contacted us and let us know. This led to us chatting all day then meeting last night! I must admit I have a serious crush on B at this point, and his wife is gorgeous also! We spent close to 3 hours talking last night and agreed that we want to pursue playing together. I haven’t heard from them today, but I also haven’t messaged them. It’s strange but I’m not sure how to proceed. I literally can’t wait to play with them both and I’m so horny I could barely sleep last night, but I don’t want to send them running either. I worry about coming on too strong. They seem like the best imaginable match for us, and live so close by that we would easily be able to see each other as often as we like. I really hope we play soon and that it’s as fun as I’m anticipating!

On another note, for anyone who’s read Spontaneity for the Win! C did indeed message me and say, “That night was fun, but thinking about it, I don’t want to do that again. Sorry. Good luck with everything.” I said, “No worries” to which he responded, “Ok”. So, I guess there won’t be a repeat performance. I really wanted more details, however I didn’t want to put any pressure on C since it was suppose to be about fun. At least H and I knocked out some fantasies in the process 😉 Hopefully we will meet up with B and his wife to play soon and I’ll have more to tell!

Cruise the River (is that what we’re calling it now?)

H and I met a local couple last year who we really hit it off with. She was exactly H’s type, under 30, blond, tall and thin, killer legs and big tits. I was hardly immune from her charms myself. He was more average but had tattoos (a favorite of mine) and dark hair. We had a lot in common with them, similar interests and of course an interest in playing with others. The only problem was that although he initially said they full swapped, he was actually the only one comfortable with that and she wasn’t. They were also rather flaky and last-minute, which was not fun for us. We played maybe three or four times and it was fun, but she was only interested in playing with me, not H. Because they were so difficult to meet up with things fizzled out.

A few months later H asked if I’d want to have just him over to play. Apparently they’d kept in touch. Cool. He came and we all had fun. Since then, he and she have split and he’s got a new hottie by his side. I need to learn how to get hot chicks from this guy!!! Seriously, he’s pretty average but he consistently bags super hot ass! I wish my game with the ladies was half as good.

Anyway, H mentioned that he and his new lady would be interested in playing, so I agreed. We haven’t actually met, but this has been in the last couple months or so, so it could still happen. What surprised me was when H told me he and this other guy were thinking about taking their jet skis out and cruising the river. Sounds like fun. That was a few days ago. Yesterday H mentioned it again, saying he couldn’t remember if he’d told me or not. Here’s the important part: I’m apparently not invited!?

In the beginning of this year we came to an agreement that we could both play with members of the same sex without the other person being there. At the time our work schedules led to us both spending a fair amount of time home alone. I never got a chance to take advantage of that agreement as within a few weeks H got a promotion and his work schedule is now the same as mine. My best guess is that H never had the opportunity to utilize that agreement either. Is that what this river trip is about?

There’s no reason for me to ask, as I have no issue at all if that is why they’re going. I was surprised when H made it clear that I’m not invited, but I’m not super upset. My motivation for not asking is that neither myself nor H have many friends of the same sex, and if he is just trying to build a friendship with a like minded guy I don’t want to make him feel weird about it or like I think everything has to be about sex. I am curious though! I can’t think of any other reason why I wouldn’t be invited.

If something interesting does happen, will H tell me? I hope so, but I suppose we never explicitly agreed to tell one another when we discussed this agreement. They were talking about going this weekend when I’m volunteering, so it’s possible H just didn’t want to be home alone for a couple hours, but that seems unlike him to me. H is typically very much a homebody. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly near the river if they do end up going!