Drawn Again to Mr. Casual Friday

Yesterday I went and spoke to Mr. Casual Friday again. I thanked him for his advice about passion earlier this week and told him while I’d said I would put faith in him being correct, I realized the next day that I didn’t have to – I know he’s right. I know passion is enough. I’ve never had that in a job, but I did have it when I volunteered as a domestic violence advocate. MCF is a former police officer, so I find it likely he understands how significant that type of volunteering was for me. I told him it changed my life, which is true. 

As usual, I went back a second time to see him yesterday. I couldn’t resist saying goodbye and seeing him just once more before four days off from work and being away from him. He is a Jehovah’s Witness, so I know he doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Regardless, I asked about his plans for the long weekend and he admitted he’d be working. I let him know I hope he doesn’t work too hard, which he brushed off casually. I assured him most would think he works too hard, but I know he believes in what he does which makes it admirable. He also mentioned making sure work doesn’t interfere with his home time, something he’s brought up occasionally in the past as well. He shared that his wife likes to sleep in and he likes to get up early, so problem solved.

I’m not sure if his intention is to gently offer marriage advice or if he is just opening up about his personal life a bit to me. Either way we do occasionally discuss the importance and mechanics of work-life balance. It’s comfortable with him. He makes me feel comfortable being me; he soothes the significant and varied fears I carry all day everyday. Just before I left I told him, “I know you don’t need anything, but if there ever is anything I can do for you, I hope you will let me know.” He took that in for a moment before responding, “I will.” and went on to mention my trajectory and the likelihood that at some point he will do so. I hope that happens. I didn’t have to courage to say the last part of my rehearsed offer, “nothing would please me more.” I’m trying so hard to be honest with him, but I just couldn’t scrape together any more courage in such a short span of time.

Although I didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he knows anyway. We reached a new understanding this week of a shared a drive to serve others. I did my best to make it clear to him the significance of the positive impact he has had on me and I’ve admitted to a desire to serve at the very core of my being. I have no doubt my investigator turned manager mentor can put two and two together to make four. I thanked him. I want so deeply to do more, to have more to offer in return, but at this time I simply don’t. He in turn thanked me, saying I didn’t have to come back down there and tell him all of this about the impact his advice had on me. I insisted it was the very least I could do and pointed out that by using thanking me as a diversion from my expression of gratitude he was only compounding the difficulty because, as we have previously acknowledged, we are both hesitant to accept recognition. 

I have long struggled to understand the connection I have with MCF. Perhaps it is these core similarities such as the desire to serve others, to eschew acknowledgement of ourselves and instead focus attention on others, integrity, commitment. I’m beginning to see that, as difficult as its been for me to understand him, we actually have a great deal in common. Perhaps the reason he is so deserving of my trust is because we are not so different from one another as I once presumed. 

Now, if I could just get over this:

The Four Leaf Clover

4 Leaf Clover

Faith, Hope, Love & Luck

What better symbol could there be for a polyamorous foursome? Faith is an integral part of any relationship. I must have faith that I’m good enough for my partner(s), that I deserve happiness, faith that my partner(s) want me and faith in our commitment to one another. Faith that my partner(s) won’t leave me. Hope is equally key for happiness. Relationships are a lot of work, there are always going to be bad times along with the good times. Without hope for the future, what would be the point of continuing? Love is perhaps obvious, but so many people have loveless relationships I believe this should never be overlooked.   I can admit in the privacy of my own head (and apparently blog!) that I crave love, I need it as I need air. I’m also terrified of love; falling in love with H nearly destroyed me. Unfortunately I’m greedy, now that I have a taste I want more, more, moreI want the friendship, the intimacy, the lover, and I want it so much I can’t help but want more people who truly know me, accept me and want me. No surprise I’d be poly huh? The last leaf of the four leaf clover represents luck, and who couldn’t use more of that in life!?

Tomorrow H and I are going to spend the day with B and his wife. We’ve all met up a couple of times in public to spend time together; B and I have seen each other some one-on-one but in public, and H and B’s wife have had lunch and seen each other a time or two in addition to that, but again, always in public. Tomorrow H and I are going to their place to drink, relax, get to know each other and probably get intimate for the first time. We already talked about matters of protection and made sure all parties were in agreement, so we are all looking forward to enjoying one another. I’m extremely excited, but I’m also nervous. I want this so badly, and I’m not sure if we are all as compatible as my gut says we are. What if I’m just fooling myself? I also noticed that although I talk about B regularly with H, he never mentions B’s wife even though I know they talk every day. I asked him about it last night and he said he hadn’t really though about it, but that she was coming on strong and he didn’t want the pressure of feeling he and she are dating. B and I feel like we are dating and agree that it’s enjoyable, but H is feeling pressured which is less than ideal.

H told me that he understands B’s wife has a lot of freedom at work, but things at his work have been extremely busy and stressful lately so the timing is bad for her to constantly be wanting attention from him. B’s wife is also a bit jealous of the time B and I have spent one-on-one since she and I haven’t had that opportunity, which likely makes her want attention from H that much more. H assured me that he is still attracted to B’s wife and wants to become friends; H is still happy with the direction things are heading, he just needs a chance to become more comfortable with B’s wife. I felt both relief and new concern after H and I talked about this situation. I am glad that he is still interested but concerned H wouldn’t want a true polyamorous relationship. This concern isn’t new, but I had set it aside as all indications were that H is open to wherever things between us may go. However, if he doesn’t want to date, does that mean he only wants friends with benefits? Because I want more than that.

It’s possible that H would enjoy polyamory and just doesn’t like the awkwardness of getting to know people on the front end, so that’s what I’m hoping at this point. If he truly isn’t comfortable with deeper relationships between us it’s going to be very difficult for B and I to be just friends or even casual sex partners. My submissive nature complicates things further; B has a dominant side but no BDSM experience. And my only experiences were under abusive circumstances rather than consensual ones, so not really BDSM at all.

H & B both know I am submissive, but I think B has a better understanding of my needs and desires than H does. B’s wife and I have not discussed anything personal about myself yet – truth be told, I really only have the energy to build one intimate relationship at a time, so B’s wife has to wait in line! I truly like her and enjoy talking to her, but we haven’t really begun becoming close yet. I am certain that will happen if things between us remain stable and don’t evaporate before we really even begin. B and I talked a lot tonight and he seems genuine in his desire for a D/s dynamic between us, but we are not anywhere near ready for that yet. I must admit though, it’s a nice change to have a guy I care about want to use and dominate me! I hope we get to explore the world of BDSM together eventually.

That’s all for now on the cloverleaf, more to come after tomorrow! Hopefully there will still be a cloverleaf after tomorrow..! Wish us luck 🙂