The Gender Torture of a Lonely little…

…currently in a monogamous relationship with Daddy. Things aren’t going so well right now…

As I’ve talked about in my post Gender Fluidity, I struggle trying to conform to society’s expectations of females. In some things I just say ‘Fuck it’ and do as I please, such as becoming a black belt in Kung Fu and riding motorcycles. I know I’ve made a conscious choice to outwardly pass as a stereotypical hetero-normative (and hopefully attractive) woman, and I am pretty successful. So I don’t always feel I have the right to suffer as I do, essentially closeted. The thing is, the people closest to me such as my partner and my Mom do know the truth, know the details. Yet more than a year in, every so often my partner still puts his hand on my stomach and says ‘Baby!’, a joke I can assure you he was the only one laughing at when he pulled it this morning. Now, in addition to the fresh wave of physical and emotional pain over my gender identity he set off, I’m also asking myself, ‘Why are we talking about marriage and raising a family?’ If he can’t accept or respect the fact that my gender identity makes me absolutely unable to bear children, am I just wasting my time and putting off the inevitable? Dark thoughts, but I’ve been struggling so much with our relationship for the past several months already and after losing H last year I know I need and deserve more than just love holding a relationship together. 

Maybe I’m going off the deep end here, but every time he has done this I’ve made it clear that it’s not acceptable and he just isn’t listening. Now after I finally got super upset this morning he reacted with anger and avoiding me all day. I texted him and offered to go stay at my parent’s who are out of town, it’s starting to get late and he was supposed to be getting ready for hunting next week..seems like he might be avoiding coming home because I’m here so I offered to clear out. He responded indicating he doesn’t know why I’d think he doesn’t want to be around me and sure it wasn’t an optimal ending before he left ‘but that happens.’ So I guess he’s going to be headed home soon but honestly I really don’t want to talk about our relationship and the pain I’m in – the pain that’s been slowly worsening for months.   

Our relationship has been a bit of a roller coaster, starting so soon after H’s death. I still feel like I don’t deserve to be happy sometimes, even though I am absolutely certain H wanted me to be happy. As I suppose most married couples do, we occasionally talked about what we’d want if something happened to one of us (though I never could’ve guessed that would be a divorce and his immediate suicide), and I know he truly loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if I had to be without him. He even expressed this during our divorce process and I believed him. But he was 29 and killed himself THREE DAYS after I told him our divorce was final, the DAY AFTER we had a big fight because of how he acted all handsy and possessive in public when we had drinks with friends to celebrate his birthday (this behavior was extremely out of character for him and I set boundaries), and the SAME DAY that I cancelled plans for breakfast and refused to go over to his place when he texted and called me that morning. I know his death is not my fault, but I think a part of me may always feel things might have been different, he might not have died that day if I’d made different choices. Even though we were getting divorced he was still my best friend and I still loved him so much. I truly hoped we could both heal and get healthier emotionally and I truly was open to possibly getting back together some day. I had zero interest in dating or seeking out another partner and I told him this more than once. One of the things he said to me when he asked if it was okay for him to continue wearing his wedding ring was that he meant his vows and even though we were getting divorced he still meant them and I felt the same way even if I couldn’t continue to be married to him. 

But H is gone and I know I deserve to be happy, I just struggle with accepting it, particularly given my total lack of experience with the feeling. Prior to my current relationship I had very limited experience exploring my submissive side but had come to accept this is a cornerstone of my personality. I am sexually submissive with men, always have been, and I’m a masochist. I wasn’t really sure if I identified as little or not before, but as my current relationship evolved and trust deepened, partially due to our BDSM activities, I admitted first to myself and later to my partner how badly I wanted to call him Daddy, something I’d refused to do in the past when asked. The thing is, I can’t take it back. I’ve never had a Daddy before and I’m terrified of losing my Daddy. He’s always liked rough sex but didn’t have any real BDSM experience prior to my tempting him into the fold. I asked him once if he likes it when I call him Daddy, he does, and why? He said it makes him feel important to me. Gods, he has no idea just how much. Too much maybe. 

I was rear-ended back in June which resulted in a serious neck injury, I’ve been on bed rest ever since. One minute I’m working two jobs and super active, the next I can’t work at all and barely manage to care for myself. Not only did BDSM go out the door all of a sudden, so did sex! I think we’ve had sex four times since my accident. After so much time passing and no idea when I will actually be healed, I’ve really started resenting him for taking away things that are so important to me unilaterally. I got so upset that I actually decided if he isn’t willing to step up and dominate me, I don’t even want to have sex and turned him down two or three times in the past weeks. Last night I was having a better pain day and we had a date night, dinner, movie and yes, sex. I was shamefully desperate to feel wanted and loved. This morning he thanked me (again) for sex last night and said half jokingly, ‘I thought you didn’t want me or find me attractive anymore.’ It took me a moment, then I responded, ‘Back at you babe.’ Not too long ago he mentioned something about how I’d turned him down for sex multiple times and I responded, ‘Too little, too late.’ Prior to this I’ve tried to bring up how many times he has turned me down for sex since my accident and he said something like, ‘Well, your neck I needs to heal.’ As if there are no compromises available, which obviously there are since we have had sex when he wanted to after my accident. Mostly he had stopped having sex with me and would just masturbate next to me and then cum in my mouth. This is fine when we’re having sex and BDSM activities regularly, I am happy to submit in this way. But given how things have been after my accident, the last time this happened I resented him and felt used. So, the next time I said no and he came on my breasts instead. I think that’s happened about twice since I realized how upset I am with him for starving me on these fronts. I haven’t exactly been silent about my discontent, but I haven’t explained all of this in detail either. Mostly because I don’t think it will change anything. He’s made up his mind and it’s not like it would be fair to push him into doing things he isn’t comfortable with, nor could I seeing as he is the dominant one; I’m not trying to top from the bottom. 

I’m just so lonely, even when he is home. Cuddling is simply not enough to keep me feeling happy and wanted and loved. Maybe I am too needy for him. Maybe he just thinks it’s fun to be called Daddy in bed and will never want to be my Daddy all the time like I want. I can’t even bring myself to call him Daddy in bed anymore, let alone out of bed! It just requires me to be more vulnerable than I can allow with how I’ve been feeling. I don’t think he has any idea that I want even more of him than he’s already given me, and I’m not about to ask when he’s pulled away so much after my accident. We have talked about our future so much, wanting to buy a house and raise a family, about the possibility of adoption or using a surrogate, about wanting our kids to grow up rurally as we both did but needing to make sure there are private schools close enough because rural school districts have horrible ratings. It’s a beautiful picture but right now it feels like no more than a pretty dream. I felt lonely in my marriage to H and I am not willing to live the rest of my life like that, no matter how much I love and want my current partner. I have to love and want him for who he is, and that may not meet enough of my needs, which terrifies me 😥

Considering all of this emotional pain (and not even counting the physical pain of my neck injury!), feeling the agony of being reminded of the anatomical ability of my body to get pregnant was just too much. I’ve spent all day feeling nauseous and resisting the very strong urge to self harm. I feel like having sex last night was a mistake; I allowed myself to be too vulnerable. Maybe I could’ve managed to get through his ‘joke’ better if I hadn’t let him in last night and exposed my vulnerability; maybe there wouldn’t have been the joke at all if we hadn’t had sex again. I wish I knew how to put in to words how viscerally horrifying the idea of getting pregnant is to me; yet I can think of nothing which would be more beautiful than seeing the woman I love carrying my child. I love kids, I want kids. But I don’t believe I could survive pregnancy – I’ll take gender dysphoria for 100 Alex! I’ve never been formally diagnosed, mostly because I feel like I manage pretty well on this front, so my times in therapy have been focused on other matters. In spite how how deep my instinctive hatred of being stuck in a female body is, I’ve never had any desire to transition. I do believe I would be far more at peace if I was male, but I believe in reincarnation and I have worked very, very hard to figure out how to live with the body I was given without being constantly at war with it; a bit ironic considering I have autoimmune diseases so my body is literally fighting itself. I made certain when this relationship started to turn serious that I was open about my gender difficulties as well as needing BDSM. I’m not sure what I did wrong, how I ended up caught between the future we’ve been building together and my present loneliness. What do I do now?

Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…


I had another rape dream last night. That’s not at all uncommon for me, however this one was different in a major way: I was male. As I mentioned in my post Gender Fluidity, I am male in about 50% of my dreams. In spite of this, I’ve always been female in rape dreams until now. I find that rape dreams really stick with me, this one is no exception. My emotions were identical, and even the plot was basically unaltered. The attacker (in this case a woman) was belligerent, I wasn’t able to get her to calm down, and she overpowered me. The fear I felt practically paralyzed me, and I knew I could not, would not, escape. There was no hope. Enter yet another twist: I was rescued.

I’ve never had a rape dream before where the attack was prevented. I’ve never been able to fight off my attacker, sometimes I didn’t even try. And nobody has ever attempted, let alone succeeded! in protecting me from an attack. After so many years of rape dreams, I’m aware of my usual reaction and mostly okay with it – that is, I usually feel upset and shaken for up to several days. Seems like a healthy enough response to me, so I let myself feel those things and let it pass without additional concern. This time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling or how I should feel. I think I’m relieved that I wasn’t actually raped, as that seems like an improvement. However, was that just because my unconscious mind thinks I wouldn’t have to fear if I was male? Or am I feeling safer, more confident and less distrustful of the world around me and that’s why the rape was prevented? If so, I can’t be too improved if I’m still dreaming of near-rape, right? I’m confused…that’s about the only feeling I can identify at the moment.

Now I’m feeling after effects from a dream in which I wasn’t raped…how do I handle that? If I can’t even sort out my emotions, how do I acknowledge them, feel them and let them pass? Should I be feeling so much from dreaming of not being raped? Hell if I know!

I love sex, but it can be so complex. I feel like my life revolves around sex. There’s the people I do have sex with, the people I want to have sex with, the people who want to have sex with me; there’s how I feel when I’m having a lot of sex, how I feel when I’m having less sex, and how I feel when I’m not having any sex. Then there’s the issue of flirting; for instance in my post Casual Friday I talked about a coworker I’m wildly attracted to, and I interpret his words and actions as flirting with me on a regular basis. However, I’m constantly holding back, concerned that if I let myself go and responded as is natural to me, I’d be slapped with sexual harassment in the workplace so quick it’d make my head spin. So, now I feel like sex is defining me and my relationships with others. No wonder I haven’t been happy lately.

Feeling like sex controls my life is hardly a new revelation, I’ve been dealing with this since I was a teenager. What about before that? Well, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to make decisions according to my own wishes, regardless of the impact on others. My entire life revolved around the manipulation of others – I was quite skillful. Sound a bit far-fetched for a child? Growing up the way I did, I knew nothing else. No wonder I have had to work so hard, always had to fight for happiness. First my life revolved around manipulation, now I’m controlled by sex. I wish I could see life in another way. Let’s be honest, manipulation has a whole lot to do with sex, so I’ve hardly divorced myself from that modus operandi.

H and I haven’t been having hardly any sex for the last month plus. I was really sick with a virus so he wouldn’t have sex with me, but he promised we’d have a sex marathon when I felt better as he was feeling horny also. Then when I was feeling better, H seemed to constantly not be in the mood or have an excuse to say no. We had sex a couple of times, but not anywhere near our usual rate. Then, with awesome timing as usual, I had terrible menstrual cramps. Once again, I didn’t feel well enough for sex. But, that only lasted a couple of days. So why on earth have I not been getting laid since then!? What happened to my promised sex marathon???

Compounding all of this, my submissive needs continue to grow stronger and more clear, and continue to be ignored completely. H and I often have to work hard on our communication with one another, so I suppose it’s not too far fetched to think that he truly didn’t understand what I was telling him when I admitted that I’m submissive. The problem is, I don’t know how to bring it up. In the past, every time I’ve ever admitted being dissatisfied with the amount of sex we’re having, it’s always turned into a huge damn deal. I think H can’t help but take it as an insult to his masculinity. So, if he is likely to get upset when all I want is more sex, it seems unlikely he would take my masochistic requests well. I admit, fear is certainly playing a part in my hesitation, but I know I can overcome that since I’ve talked to H before about my being submissive. I think the real problem is I don’t know how to make him understand. Until I figure that out, I’m not sure discussion could do anything other than push us apart, which is the last thing I want.

I’ve been considering talking to H about DD/lg dynamics, as he might be more receptive to the nurturing nature of a DaddyDom. Then again, neither of us have had great relationships with our fathers, so he might get caught up on the “Daddy” part and freak out before I can explain. Also, I really don’t want to go in to that if I’m not interested in being little – which is something I’m still exploring. I would love to be exploring what I want with H rather than on my own, but I don’t see how that’s possible. Right before I got sick I bought some fresh ginger and was hoping he would try figging with me, but alas we never had the chance. So much for that attempt!

I’m continuing to brain storm and work on myself, and I figure I’ve got a long way to go yet. I am deeply in love with H and am so grateful he is in my life and loves me too. I want everything else to be surface concerns compared to our love, but that doesn’t seem to be how life works. Communication, sex and everything else we deal with in our every day lives impacts us, our feelings and our relationship. I’m far from a master at navigating everything, but I hope I’m learning and improving. Right now I’m feeling frustrated, tired of working so hard at everything, lonely, horny, sad, and generally disenchanted with life. I hope I’m able to move past these feelings soon and be happier. I spend every day trying to focus on the good as much as possible, but I’m telling you between a lack of sex and a lack of submission in my life, I’m currently loosing the battle. Wish me luck…

A Little Discovery

How do you know if you’re a little? Is there a check list or a quiz I can take, and if I score xyz percent or higher I’m a little? This may read as facetious; I assure you I’m asking these questions seriously.

The more I read posts written by littles, the more my life reminds me of things I’ve read on their blogs. What I haven’t found so far is a description of how anyone either became a little or realized that they are little. I have no idea if a person is born that way or if someone becomes a little, or if it is even one or the other. Also, I realize I’m generalizing and everyone and their lifestyles are individual, but I’m trying to gain insight into the category, so please forgive any unintended slights.

What does it mean to be a little? What does it mean to you, and what does it mean to your partner? Is having (or wanting) a Daddy Dom an integral part of being little, or is that only a common association? Is it about wanting to be taken care of, or about recapturing childhood? How is being little different from being a submissive who is not little?

The reason I ask is because last night H and I had an incredible evening. I wasn’t feeling very well, so he cuddled me, let me wear his sweatshirt without his normal complaints, and made a special trip to the store just because I was hungry and didn’t want any of the food we had at home. H went out of his way to take care of me and nurture me, even before I admitted I wasn’t feeling well. The evening was a marked departure from our usual interactions, and I felt so close to him the entire time. I also felt more loved than I have felt in months. I’m not sure why or how exactly, but last night H was meeting my emotional needs in spades.

I know that I have trust and abandonment issues, and that I feel loved primarily through physical affection/contact. H told me he was happy last night because he felt needed and I let him take care of me. It is very unusual for me to feel as loved as I did last night without sex, but the impact last night had on me was undeniable.

I really don’t know if I’m a little or not. I’ve never identified that way, but perhaps I simply hadn’t had the exposure to recognize that in myself? I’m not sure. I know I like to giggle and be silly and make H smile and laugh. H often compares me to my 4 year old niece. I’ve never been this way with anyone else because I never let my guard down far enough. With H I am just me. So, am I a little? If I am, what does that mean? Can that help improve my struggling relationship with H? Would this help or further hinder our communication with one another? At this point all I seem to have are questions. Any insight/experiences would be greatly appreciated!