There’s so much going on in my life, I’m not sure where to start! I’ve been working out at a dance studio that offers classes a couple times a week for a little over a month, and as much fun as it is I found that I really wanted to work out more often. So, in between my Tuesday and Thursday classes at the dance studio, I went to check out a local gym Wednesday evening. It was awesome! I’ve decided to join next month. It’s a two year commitment, but that’s probably good motivation for me to keep going. Also, the gym is only 2 miles from my house, where as the dance studio was close to 10 miles away. Starting in March, there are dance classes five nights a week at the gym plus a water exercise class one day a week that I’m excited to try. In addition to all these classes, there’s all the regular lifting equipment plus the pool and jacuzzi. I’m totally jazzed to start spending a good deal of time there each week 🙂
Aside from my personal fitness goals, I’ve also decided to start volunteering in my community. I actually made this decision close to a year ago, but because of school was not able to start sooner. I had an interview earlier this week for my local police department’s team of volunteers of advocates for victims of domestic violence. I’ve been interested in this program in particular for quite a while, and am really looking forward to the opportunity to help people in bad situations. The training starts tomorrow (40 hours in two weeks, on top of my 40 hour each week job!), and is all day. I’m excited but nervous; am I getting in over my head? H is pretty upset about my volunteering in this capacity. He says he doesn’t think it’s safe and doesn’t like me being away from home so much. Really the time commitment is minimal after the training is over, volunteers only have to sign up for one shift a month as a minimum and one monthly meeting. I understand that the training will eat up a lot of our free time, but that’s only a couple weeks out of our lives. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I suspect that H has other reasons for objecting, and is simply refusing to acknowledge them. I was a bit taken aback when they asked in the interview if I considered myself a “survivor of domestic violence”. I suppose I should’ve been prepared for this question, but the (rather extensive) application didn’t ask, so I assumed they weren’t going to pry. Wrong. I took a moment to collect myself and answered basically truthfully. I never would have used that phrase to describe myself, but I suppose it is apt. They asked if I would be willing to share a bit about my experience, which was terrifying. I want to help other people, deal with their problems, not mine! Thankfully these women, who direct this volunteer program full time, understand abuse isn’t a fun topic. They quickly thanked me for sharing and moved on to the next topic. As much as I didn’t want to admit anything to anyone about my history of abuse, I’m somewhat proud that I was able to. I admitted something I’m ashamed of to total strangers out of a desire to help others. A girl could do worse.
I have long been a student of psychology, sociology, anthropology, communication, and other veins of interest. I’ve always been particularly interested in abnormal psychology, and how/why/what is different about people such as serial killers, cutters, those with eating disorders, people who attempt suicide, sadists, masochists, etc. I am well aware that I do not fit into the “normal” category, but I’m always curious to understand more about why. And what separates me from other ‘abnormal’ people? I don’t have the answers, but I’ll continue to pursue these and other questions about humanity. Anyway, where I was headed with this is that I expect to find the domestic violence training fascinating from this perspective. I’m sure I will learn a lot about abusive relationships and control tactics that I’m not currently aware of. However, I also know this will not be a cold, dispassionate, clinical learning experience. This will be highly personal and likely emotional. I’m afraid I won’t be strong enough to handle exposure to so much input that will remind me of one of the worst periods in my life. I’m afraid I’m going to let myself down.
As if my new impending gym membership and volunteerism weren’t going to keep me busy enough, H and I also started attending a new church recently. Our old church was about an hour drive, and this one is in town. Big improvement! Now that we have a church that’s close enough to attend every week, I’m finally going to do something I’ve always wanted: help with child care. I love kids. I always pictured myself having a family. Well, plans change (aka H doesn’t want kids), so now it’s just the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, I knew this long before we got married. But, I still would like to spend time with kids. Where better than volunteering at church? A couple weeks ago I was scheduled to help for the first time, and of course we were snowed in. That doesn’t happen often in my area, so the church was actually closed as well. Well, this weekend, no snow! On Sunday, I am going to go to church early to help with child care for one service and attend the other service. I’m so excited to meet the kids! I’ll be helping in a class of three year olds. I have a niece who just turned four last week, so I’m looking forward to spending time with kids around that age 🙂
With all this excitement, I’ve not spent much time with H this past week. He also had a cold, which made him less than enthusiastic about my busy schedule. We haven’t had sex all week. Even with how hard I’ve worked out, I’m this close to losing my fucking mind. Since our only plans tonight were hanging out at home, I talked him in to taking a bath with me. While we were relaxing, we chatted and I tried to talk to him about why he’s so unhappy with my plans to volunteer. H snapped at me and said talking about it would only upset him more, not help. So I dropped it. Next, I tried to talk with him about masochism. Soon as I brought up the topic, H said that those people are just confused. Wow. Excuse me while I go kill myself, that’d be great, thanks. My friend was trying to convince me the other day that H could be my dom. I think not.
There’s a comedy show on T.V. right now, and the comedian was talking about birthdays. What do men want for their birthday? Only one thing…the one thing women never want for their birthday. As if I wasn’t already aware, I’m the man in my marriage and H is the woman. It’s not exactly that this bothers me, but every now and then I’d like to be the one who can be passive. I’d like to be the one who needs supported rather than always giving support. I’d like to ask for sex and get fucked through the mattress, rather than worrying I’m going to piss H off by asking because he probably doesn’t want it. To be fair, I have something of a sex problem. It’s not new. I’m not a sex addict, but my sex drive is extremely high. Not normal range high, either. I always knew this would be an issue if I ever got married, and it was one of many reasons why I never even considered marriage a possibility before H convinced me otherwise.
I love our sex life, I really do. H is great in bed, and I love swinging. In fact H found a new couple for us to play with earlier this week. I’m really excited to meet them (they are even in our same town!). We haven’t played with another couple in quite a while, and I really miss it. Other than my recent close call, its been a long time since we played with anyone. The few guys we’d been playing with regularly were too high maintenance for me. To be fair, “high maintenance” is expecting a text back within the week they texted me. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people, and I’m not trying to be friends with these random strangers we fuck. I just want them to show up when I’m horny and leave when they can’t get it up any more. Text me if you wanna pick a day/time to show up, otherwise leave me alone! Is that too much to ask? Probably. Maybe that’s why I’m not getting laid more…
I want to be happy with our sex life; I try to keep quiet and not complain when H won’t have sex with me. But he has no idea how difficult it is. I can’t sleep, sometimes I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate (thank god my day job is so simple), and it’s borderline painful at some point because I never get a break from being aroused. My nipples are hard, I’m soaking wet, having to change my panties several times a day, and every time I masturbate I get hornier rather than less horny. It’s a vicious cycle, and the only thing that’s ever helped is getting fucked thoroughly. H certainly delivers when he wants to, but he rarely wants to. I don’t know what to do. My sex drive is a burden to him, and when we talk about it he doesn’t even bother to deny it. It’s not like I would choose to have such a constant need for sex, but it’s not a choice. I can’t control it. What does he expect? It’s not new. He’s known from the beginning about my needs. So why is it my fault that he doesn’t want to meet them anymore? I’m not the one who changed in this situation.
I love H. I would never leave him. But I really am struggling. I don’t feel like he will even listen to me, let alone actually discuss with me, things that I’m struggling with. He doesn’t understand my need to submit, doesn’t even have any context for how badly I need it. He isn’t willing to listen or talk about masochism, he doesn’t know how to be rough with me, and he is getting plenty of sex to be happy. So I’m the problem. If I could choose, I would be some averagely intelligent, shallow girl with no big dreams and no big secrets or complicated past. But that girl isn’t me, and I can’t become her. What do I do? Keep busy…that’s what I did when I was younger (cuz that kept me out of trouble so well), and until I come up with a more successful plan, that’s what I guess I’ll revert to.