Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

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Drawn Again to Mr. Casual Friday

Yesterday I went and spoke to Mr. Casual Friday again. I thanked him for his advice about passion earlier this week and told him while I’d said I would put faith in him being correct, I realized the next day that I didn’t have to – I know he’s right. I know passion is enough. I’ve never had that in a job, but I did have it when I volunteered as a domestic violence advocate. MCF is a former police officer, so I find it likely he understands how significant that type of volunteering was for me. I told him it changed my life, which is true. 

As usual, I went back a second time to see him yesterday. I couldn’t resist saying goodbye and seeing him just once more before four days off from work and being away from him. He is a Jehovah’s Witness, so I know he doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Regardless, I asked about his plans for the long weekend and he admitted he’d be working. I let him know I hope he doesn’t work too hard, which he brushed off casually. I assured him most would think he works too hard, but I know he believes in what he does which makes it admirable. He also mentioned making sure work doesn’t interfere with his home time, something he’s brought up occasionally in the past as well. He shared that his wife likes to sleep in and he likes to get up early, so problem solved.

I’m not sure if his intention is to gently offer marriage advice or if he is just opening up about his personal life a bit to me. Either way we do occasionally discuss the importance and mechanics of work-life balance. It’s comfortable with him. He makes me feel comfortable being me; he soothes the significant and varied fears I carry all day everyday. Just before I left I told him, “I know you don’t need anything, but if there ever is anything I can do for you, I hope you will let me know.” He took that in for a moment before responding, “I will.” and went on to mention my trajectory and the likelihood that at some point he will do so. I hope that happens. I didn’t have to courage to say the last part of my rehearsed offer, “nothing would please me more.” I’m trying so hard to be honest with him, but I just couldn’t scrape together any more courage in such a short span of time.

Although I didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he knows anyway. We reached a new understanding this week of a shared a drive to serve others. I did my best to make it clear to him the significance of the positive impact he has had on me and I’ve admitted to a desire to serve at the very core of my being. I have no doubt my investigator turned manager mentor can put two and two together to make four. I thanked him. I want so deeply to do more, to have more to offer in return, but at this time I simply don’t. He in turn thanked me, saying I didn’t have to come back down there and tell him all of this about the impact his advice had on me. I insisted it was the very least I could do and pointed out that by using thanking me as a diversion from my expression of gratitude he was only compounding the difficulty because, as we have previously acknowledged, we are both hesitant to accept recognition. 

I have long struggled to understand the connection I have with MCF. Perhaps it is these core similarities such as the desire to serve others, to eschew acknowledgement of ourselves and instead focus attention on others, integrity, commitment. I’m beginning to see that, as difficult as its been for me to understand him, we actually have a great deal in common. Perhaps the reason he is so deserving of my trust is because we are not so different from one another as I once presumed. 

Now, if I could just get over this:

Wanting More – Advice from MCF

I have no idea where I found the courage, but somehow, miraculously, I did. I talked to him yesterday. Not in the exact words from If Only I Had Enough Courage, but I admitted to the fear, the reason I’m … Continue reading