Take Your Time

It’s the same old song and dance…

 

 

O and I hung out for a few hours this evening, I really enjoyed talking with him. H was working late and I didn’t feel like spending the evening alone, plus O had a difficult week last week and told me he missed me, that it had been too long. I of course genuinely agreed, so I texted him earlier. Last week O seemed more down than since his divorce last year, so I was worried about him and want to support him as much as possible. As I talked about in Temptation, our mutual attraction is still alive and well, and I must admit I did 100% of the prep work before inviting him over tonight in case something did happen.

 

…Okay, so I was perhaps oversimplifying when I said nothing happened the last two times we hung out. We didn’t have sex, but the cuddling didn’t remain strictly friendly either time, there was definitely groping and even making out the second time…

 

Anyway, tonight he came over and I was thrilled to see him. He seemed in better spirits overall but the status of his romantic life is definitely still weighing on him heavily. He asked about how things are going with me and I talked quite a bit, then he asked me what he should do: stay with his girlfriend now of over a year, or seek a relationship with his long time friend who just got divorced (the one he wants to have a threesome with me with 😉 !). Actually, he asked me which one he should marry.

 

I thought about it for quite a while before I responded at all, and even then did so a bit indirectly. Frankly I think his girlfriend is a wack job, but having never met her I hesitate to share such a harsh and possibly unfair judgment. O says that his long time friend knows all of his secrets and most of his friends, and he can be completely himself with her (this is the opposite of how things are with his girlfriend). I’ve told him before and said again tonight that to me, that’s more important than anything else. I also told him I wish I’d asked H what he was looking for in a marriage and a spouse before we married; his answer wouldn’t have changed my mind, but then I would have understood years sooner that H wants a partner whereas I’d wanted a leader.

 

O doesn’t know what his girlfriend is looking for out of a marriage and spouse, so I suggested that might be a good question to ask. Yes they have already agreed on goals of getting married and having kids, but what do they each want out of the relationship? I have no idea if he found my suggestion worthwhile, but he did ask! Lol. There was one significant difference tonight from any time I’ve ever seen O before – there was no cuddling tonight 😦 I missed it badly and was thinking almost constantly about reaching out for him. We sat close on the couch, our knees touching, but it was not me in his arms, surrounded and held by him as is usual (you know, when we haven’t gotten naked yet!).

 

Now I’m sitting on the couch alone, but it still smells like him. It makes me smile, but it also makes me ache to be near him, to be held by him. I am so glad he came and hung out with me tonight, and in a way I’m also happy nothing sexual happened. Tonight proved that I’m not wrong to value our friendship so highly; it’s real. Our friendship exists and is a source of comfort and support for us both. We care about one another even without sex being part of the picture.

 

So, with that question laid to rest once and for all in my mind, what now? Do I still think I’ll be happier staying out of O’s bed? Or would I be happier taking as much of his time as I can? I’m not sure I’m in wise mind at all right now, but O’s ghost is staring over my shoulder as I write and I feel surrounded by him. I want that feeling, I fucking love him and O being in any type of pain kills me. I am so the wrong person for him to be asking advice about his future wife! Please, just, marry anyone that will allow you to remain in my life this time, I don’t want to go back to living without you. I don’t want to only be able to message you behind your wife’s back.

 

Please, please, whatever you do, please just don’t abandon me. I love you ❤

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Temptation

  It’s been maybe six months now since I called things off with O. We’d been hooking up fairly regularly and while I always enjoyed our rolls in the hay, there wasn’t domination occurring. In fairness I wasn’t asking him … Continue reading

It’s Complicated…More than one year later

Early last year I drafted a personal mission statement: “I choose to live…   passionately, authentically, unapologetically.” As part of this process I sought feedback from my trusted mentor, MCF. You may recall that he wasn’t quite sure what to … Continue reading

Not a Surprise

I had a dream. One I’ve more or less fantasized consciously too many times to count, but this time it was bliss. I was asleep and therefore, free. I was submitting to MCF. He used rope and had me suspended from the ceiling in more ways than I would’ve thought I could imagine. There was never any sexual contact in the dream, and yet somehow it was the most sexually intense experience I’ve ever not had!

 

He spoke very little, but when he did it was to give me exactly what I wanted most at that moment; to reassure me when I felt nervous, to take me down deeper into subspace, to light my blood on fire! I was tied and gagged, placed exactly as he wanted when he wanted. His domination was unquestionable in spite of the fact that there was no pain or punishment of any kind. He was calm, putting off waves of quiet confidence; he was not in a hurry. He knew I would give him exactly what he wanted, anything he wanted. He did not have to ask for we both knew I offered my unquestioning submission to him without reserve, the very picture of obedience.

 

He moved comfortably as an expert craftsman, no doubt in his mind as to his complete control. He looked incredible as always, turning fantasy into reality for me with his bare hands. Moving me from one form to another he was never rushed, never concerned. He reveled in our wholehearted power exchange, trusting in my submission. The connection itself is difficult to describe, even though I know exactly how it felt. I gave him everything I am, knowing he would take me to the greatest heights of pleasure and the deepest depths of our complementary desires. I wanted him so badly, and I was able to express this simply by relaxing my body, being pliant but still, going wherever he placed me full of gratefulness for him choosing to turn his focus on me.

 

I sensed this exercise in suspension was coming to an end; I was physically tired though elated, burning with desire for this man. I knew instinctively that this was the last form in which I would be suspended and fought to remain submissive as my desire peaked. I could feel him taking a long, last look to burn into his memory the sight he’d created; trying to drink deeply enough to slake his thirst long enough to release me. I was loosing my fight to remain still and pliant, so needful and nervous about what was to come. I’m naked and so wet he can surely smell my sex even though he is a ways away from me (to better take in the sights I’m sure). He remains fully clothed and I know within minutes I will be before him, no longer bound by rope but instead only by my devotion to Him.

 

Will he touch me? Will he reward my patience? Or will my desire go unfulfilled? Does he want me only as a plaything to enjoy the view but no more? It is as if there is a timer counting down in the room; as I feel the seconds tick by, I know I am that much closer to learning the answers to my questions. Then, nothing. A long moment of confusion before I understand what I’m hearing is my alarm. My heart sinks; I got more sensation than from any fantasy, but am left feeling so empty and unfulfilled. I spent more than a week haunted by the memory of finally submitting to him and feeling lost and alone in spite of the fact that nothing had changed. And yet, so much did change. What now?

About Me – Personality Test Repository

As reflected by the recent posts in my Philosophy Corner, I’ve become enamored with exploring my Myers-Briggs type of late. Although I’ve known for years that I am an INTJ, prior to this past week I had no idea how … Continue reading