Perspective

I just had a shattering realization – I am absolutely *desperate* for Mr. Trouble to know how I feel – that I’m completely, hopelessly, utterly in love with him, with ALL of him. The good, the bad, everything. I love him for who he is, his strengths and his weaknesses, not for who I want him to be.

And I am not AT ALL SURE I’m okay with him knowing how consuming my love for him is…

He came to my new place for the first time Monday afternoon. It was last minute but the timing just lined up!

So many times over the last nearly three months since I moved I’ve found myself laying in bed and absolutely HATING the fact that Mr. Trouble had never been here. I wanted him here, in my space, finally seeing the side of myself I feel safe enough to express in my own home. It surprised me, the pain that sliced through me when Mr. Trouble said something indicating he thought I’d decorated the guest room at my folks’ place where I was living before…he had no way of knowing. But as is so often the case, I want him to know SO MUCH! I want to give him all of me and that’s not an option. I want too much, I know…

Apparently that includes wanting him to know for certain just how deeply in love with him I am. I hadn’t realized I was focusing on sex, reflexively thinking that was the best option open to me to communicate my feelings for Mr. Trouble. Now I’m not so sure…

I am fully aware I had Mr. Trouble up on a pedestal for an alarming length of time, but his alcohol abuse shattered that for good. Even so, I struggle with what I feel I want, what I feel I deserve and what is. The last thing I’ve ever wanted is to make Mr. Trouble feel in any way pressured, yet I can’t deny having knowingly altered my responses at times in order to essentially reward good behavior from him and put boundaries in place when I needed to protect myself from his destructive tendencies.

I’ve been telling him for a while now that I want to show him new heights and drive him insane with pleasure until he can’t even remember his own name. However, I recognize how much trust it takes to let go that much with someone and that it requires a certain kind of tolerance to be able to handle overwhelming levels of pleasure – plus the last thing I want to risk is scaring him off! He is clearly used to being the more experienced partner in bed and while he’s enjoyed everything we’ve done together so far and tells me he likes trying new things with me, he still gets a bit intimidated by my ideas so I’m trying to be patient and take things slowly showing him new things in bed.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the guardian bell I gave him last year, trying to better understand my motivations…..I now realize I was symbolically giving him a piece of myself as proof of my love. I gave different bells (which represented the recipients as is traditional rather than one that represents me) to two other people…one of whom is Mr. Trustworthy…and never felt the need to mention the fact that this only came about due to my extensive search for the perfect gift for Mr. Trouble. I was actually trying to let go at the time, having finally realized how deep my feelings were. Things with Mr. Trouble were always intended to be about sex and fun, not anything real. So, knowing he’s married and has his own life, I began trying to end things because real feelings isn’t what we’d signed up for…

Anyway, when he was here Monday I was really not feeling too hot and yet I was still insatiable for him…even when the things I wanted were actively causing me significant amounts of pain I kept going for as long as possible before finally giving in and settling for a different option.

After we were done, he was laying in my bed looking relaxed but tired. Recently I’ve discovered that Mr. Trouble likes it when I massage his temples, eyes, etc. It’s so damn hard to ever keep my hands off of him, but last year I rubbed his neck when he complained it was sore and he then reported having neck pain for MONTHS! So I’ve always been super hesitant to use any of my massage skills on him, ironically fearing he’s too delicate lol.

So there we are, naked in my bed, him on his back and me pressed up against the length of his side as I gently massage his face. After a bit I move behind his ears, down his neck, to his shoulders and pecs. It’s something I know but am rarely consciously aware of; Mr. Trouble is left handed. As I moved over from his left to right side, everything felt far less tense. I did a pretty thorough investigation as this surprised me until finally, external processor that I am! I said out loud, ‘Oh right, you’re left handed. That’s why your left side is so much tighter.’ Because clearly simply following the signs from his body and moving back to working on relaxing his left side would’ve just been TOO easy!

He relaxed significantly as I spent more than half an hour cuddled up against him, gently massaging and relaxing him. As I watched his face and soaked in the freedom to touch him, the words I’ve never spoken to him were on the tip of my tongue. Had he actually fallen asleep I’m certain they would’ve slipped out…

Now I’m realizing that I’ve been using physical touch, including but not limited to sex, in an effort to *show* Mr. Trouble just how much I love him. I don’t know what his love language is so my success in using physical touch to express what I haven’t been willing to say out loud may be mixed at best, but it’s what comes naturally to me so I can’t really help the desperate desire to touch him as much as possible.

Maybe it’s time to say the words? Does he want to hear them? What if saying the words makes him feel pressured? I hate that I can’t help imagining a life with him, especially knowing the reality would NOT amount to happily ever after.

Does my hypersexuality stem from my fear of expressing how I feel in other ways combined with my intrinsic need for physical touch?

I’m also feeling conflicted about sleeping with both Mr. Trouble and Mr. Trustworthy. They both know I’ve got someone else, but am I supposed to tell Mr. Trustworthy every time I see Mr. Trouble? I hate telling Mr. Trustworthy about plans with or having seen Mr. Trouble as it feels like I’m essentially saying hey, you’re my best friend and I love our sex life but you just aren’t enough to meet all my needs so I’m also fucking our boss. As long as they both know things are ongoing between me and both of them why would I need to say more? Ugh…I don’t know. I’m not actively trying to hide anything, it’s just that I’m ashamed.

I’m deeply ashamed that with everything he gives me, Mr. Trustworthy isn’t enough for me. I’m ashamed that I’m so in love with my married boss, carrying on an on-again-off-again affair for over a year and knowing that our relationship contributed to Mr. Trouble’s drinking getting so out of control earlier this year. I was living in terror 24/7 that he was going to crash on his bike due to being intoxicated and die – even had a nightmare in which exactly that happened and I watched helplessly as he lay dying on the side of some deserted back road. Thankfully that didn’t happen and he seems to be doing better overall, including drinking less. He hasn’t been downing a bottle of whiskey any of the times we’ve been together since I let him in again. He’s treating me like a real person, who matters to him, now (unlike before). I feel like our relationship is stable and he hasn’t made me cry a single time this round. His communication has improved markedly which helps a ton. I just can’t help being insecure.

When sex is what I’m offering I feel confident and don’t fear rejection. When it’s my feelings and my heart I’m offering, my trust and abandonment issues rise up with alacrity and ferociousness. I guess I convinced myself sex was a solution…I’ve definitely used sexual behavior as a coping mechanism/way to escape the pain of life.

I guess I feel like sex is an opportunity for me to prove to others that I’m good enough, that I’m worthy and don’t deserve to be discarded and abandoned. It’s something I can offer that others want even if they don’t want me for me.

Wow – that hurts to admit. I deserve better than that…or at least I’m trying to believe I do…

One thought on “Perspective

  1. Pingback: I Deserve…? | LifestyleGambler

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