A Rose By Any Other Name

I like my name. I’m named after my maternal grandmother, with whom I have always been close. My mom’s middle name is also the same, and my sister used a shortened version of my name for her oldest. I legally changed my name after H passed, removing my middle name entirely and picking a new last name as I was not going back to LFD’s surname. As much as ‘Mustang’ feels like home, I don’t feel ready to take on the world’s reaction were I to legally change my name to that…nor do I want to lose my first name which is currently reflected in four generations of my family. What I DO think might work, however, is going by my current last name; its typical usage in the U.S. is as a first name for boys. There’s only one person who makes me feel seen and whole when I hear them use my first name and, for better or worse, that person is Mr. Trouble. When anyone else says my name, it’s just an identifier, not a meaningful reflection of *me*, just of family history that was in effect before anyone even knew who I am. I hope such a change wouldn’t hurt my grandmother, but she has always been extremely progressive and I think she’d just want me to be happy.

Thinking about changing my pronouns and the name I go by is exciting, terrifying and extremely daunting. But until yesterday I’d never been willing to even seriously consider doing either, so…is that progress? Part of me thinks changes like this are actually reactive and reflect one trying to run away from who they are and escape a traumatic past. Would I be non-binary if I hadn’t suffered the abuse I endured growing up? Does the answer to that question ultimately matter? Now I’m thinking myself in circles – I think I need to take a break from all the overthinking I’ve been engaged in recently. Perhaps I will just sit with this idea for a bit and see how I’m feeling…wish me luck!

One thought on “A Rose By Any Other Name

  1. Pingback: My Yin & Yang | LifestyleGambler

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