Daddy

“I have all kinds of daddy issues. One guy asked me to call him daddy but I wouldn’t do it.” I admitted to J one night as we were discussing my fantasies. I warned him that calling someone daddy and orgasm denial were two fantasies I’d never told to anyone and that both come with a warning label, which is not something I say lightly! A couple weeks ago things got pretty hot & heavy as J and I were on our way out the door and I ended up truly miserable and an emotional wreck, probably felt rejected. I had to go back to J’s place that night so he could help me recover emotionally. I did admit in a roundabout way that things might’ve been okay had I been able to stay with him, which he definitely picked up on!

 

Soon after this he was telling me not to squirt while we were having sex in his bed which does not have a waterproof mattress protector. I tried so hard not to squirt, but he was making me cum SO hard! I was basically in tears and trying to choke out, ‘I’m sorry!” as I fought massive orgasms and squirted in spite of myself. Turns out J really got off on that, just yesterday he mentioned again how cute and sexy it was that I felt so guilty! Since that first time he has employed this expectation that I not squirt repeatedly and, though I’m loathe to admit it, I mostly am pretty successful. However, J quickly then got the idea to tell me not to cum at all, “Wait, let it build up.” he says as he fucks me through the mattress! “You can cum when I count to five….” and then proceeds to take MINUTES to count to five! The first time he played this game I made it until five the first two times, but the third time I was cumming by two! I asked him if he thought I’d be able to do it or not and J actually thought I’d be able to hold off until five all three times he tried it! Nope. Lol

 

So I hadn’t noticed, but suddenly it seems perhaps this was J’s way of working up to orgasm denial because a couple of days ago I woke up horny and was texting him and he told me not to masturbate, to wait until I saw him that night to get off. Not a huge deal…but I did distract him from the movie we were trying to watch rather assertively! He still has no idea how/when we went from watching the movie to having sex haha. I needed him! What can I say!? “That came out of nowhere!” J told me…well, given he hadn’t let me masturbate that morning, I think he had it coming 😉

 

Then yesterday he actually tells me via text that he expects me not to cum without permission. I feel like he could’ve been joking or testing me, but I went with it. It wasn’t really a problem as he told me I could cum as much as I wanted last night when I saw him. However, our plans for tonight had to be canceled last minute and I may not see him again for a few days. J told me he didn’t know how I was gunna make it that long without getting off; I was quick to assure him I didn’t have to wait that long. He thought he told me I couldn’t get off without him so I reminded him he just said I needed permission…big difference! Still, is it just me being paranoid or does this sound like it could be a road to orgasm denial!?

 

On the other hand, J was very direct about warning label attached item #2 and asked me the other night, “What do you think would happen if you called me Daddy?” I could not form words and quickly changed the subject, which he definitely noticed lol. I want to say I don’t know what I think would happen, but that wouldn’t be very honest. What I’m most afraid of is no doubt along the same lines of what I’m concerned about already, becoming too attached. I’ve already been so desperate for love, which without a doubt stems from to my childhood and how fucked up my relationship with LFD was. I refuse to refer to that monster as my dad because he doesn’t deserve the title. Still, I can’t deny the gaping hole he left inside of me that just wants to earn Daddy’s love and approval.

 

J would tell me ‘good job’ in bed pretty regularly; once I started talking to him about all of my kinks and admitted I love being called ‘good girl’ he started using that at least as much, if not more than ‘good job’. And I get off on it every. Single. TIME! J remembered from when we dated like nine years ago that there was a pet name I hated and asked what it was so he could avoid it – I had completely forgotten! I used to absolutely despise being called ‘baby’ because LFD called me that all my life. Well, now LFD is long dead and it’s been even longer since I was last called ‘baby’. I told J that was the one but that I actually don’t mind it anymore; truthfully, I love it when J calls me ‘baby’. Neither H nor any other man in my life ever called me that because I hated it so much when I was younger. So, now, it feels special, different. Something only J has used with me, and I really, really like that feeling! I didn’t admit as much, but he has continued to use it which I thoroughly enjoy 🙂 J even called me ‘babygirl’ one morning when we were cuddling in bed, that was definitely a first and I liked it! I didn’t comment on it because what would I have said? I still don’t have a clue…

 

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J also says pretty frequently, “It hurts, doesn’t it?” OMFG! I have no idea how those four simple words could get me off SO MUCH! It’s not a question, and I think his enjoyment of my pain/submission leaks into his words…I am also often either beyond words moaning, in tears and/or gagged and thus unable to really respond anyway. So hot! Ugh. But if I’m already falling in love with him, how can I let him in to that walled off black hole that is my need to be loved and wanted and protected and cherished by my Daddy? One of the nights he had me gagged I actually let myself call him Daddy, over and over again, once I started I couldn’t stop. I was absolutely wrecked afterward, but also so happy and content. I did need a lot more aftercare than would’ve otherwise been warranted, but J is great about that and just took care of me for as long as I needed him to without having a clue as to what really went on.

 

But to actually call him Daddy out loud? Could I survive losing my Daddy? I really am not sure I am strong enough. Sure it would be great for now, but that’s all this is supposed to be – for now, while I need it, to help me get through the immediate future. He’s used all of these to describe what this is and reinforce what this isn’t. We aren’t supposed to be building something real; and yet, the deep trust we are demonstrating through our communication and continually building on the power exchange pieces of our relationship is undeniable. I don’t trust easily, yet I have no fear of giving J things I couldn’t even speak of to my husband whom I spent eight years of my life with! How could I ever think this isn’t something real? I wish I knew what that means for us and our future. Maybe one day I will have a Daddy of my very own…

 

 

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