Never Enough

 

I honestly don’t even know where to start. All I wanted was to be loved. At first, H did make me feel loved. After a few years that was gone, but if it had been there once, surely I could earn it back, right? I did everything I could think of to try and make H happy; I denied him nothing. I spent every single day trying to prove to him that I was worthy of his love; I thought I could earn it back. The truth, the ugly, ugly truth, is that H was gay. There was NEVER anything wrong with ME, it was NEVER my fault as he insisted. I did NOTHING WRONG!!!

 

It didn’t matter; none of it mattered. Nothing I could give him or buy him was ever enough, and it wasn’t ever going to be. Even though he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it to me, now I finally know why he was so angry all of the time. He was hiding and toward the end I was pushing back, pushing him for more. I finally started to stand up for myself, to demand his actions actually match his words. I stopped blindly accepting the blame for anything and everything. All of this led to my decision back in January/February that I needed a divorce. I could no longer trust H and I couldn’t continue to improve my chronic PTSD symptoms with him constantly tearing me down and setting me back.

 

It was only days after finding out that the divorce was final when he ended his own life. And I wanted to do the same. Sometimes, some part of me still wants to. All this pain, anger, feelings of betrayal – where does it go? What do I do with it? It does no good to be angry with H, he’s gone. So old habits kick in and I start to blame myself as much as his family blames me. It’s not like there weren’t signs – now I understand why playing with others was of such vital importance to him. H needed other men in our bed and I didn’t understand why he was pressuring me so much as our relationship deteriorated. H basically stopped having sex with me when our cloverleaf broke up. He blamed and shamed me for years and became extremely hostile whenever I tried to have a conversation about our sex life. He was so defensive and basically said I needed to have sex with other people. I actually said to him once, “I’m not horny, I want to be close to you.” Not that that did any good…he was gay after all.

 

My therapist explained how testosterone works as I blamed our lack of sex on his hormone issues; she opened my eyes to that fact that he could still choose to be a responder if not an initiator. He chose not only not to respond, but to attack and lash out. I don’t recall if it was before we were married or shortly after, but we played with a guy who was bi one evening. It was the only time I ever saw H have sex with a man, and something shifted deep inside of me while I watched. Later, as we continued to be extremely open-minded and exploring nearly all aspects of sex that we could think of, H wanted me to peg him. I did, and that same shift deep inside of me, maybe a warning of some kind, made me feel uncomfortable in exactly the same way. I wish I’d been able to listen to that instinct; I thought I was just being judgmental or closed-minded when in fact I think on some deep level I knew H was gay. That was so many years ago; he was probably still in complete self-deluded denial and still having sex with me, but now I truly believe he was gay, not bi.

 

It’s a damn shame, a WASTE! He was only 29 years old. There was so much life still to be lived. He loved summer, and riding his motorcycle, four wheeling, driving the convertible with the top down, summer BBQs, he loved boating and just the heat and sun in general. Every day I think of the things he loved to do and will never do again, all because he couldn’t face the reality of no longer having me as his cover.

 

H always had gay mannerisms and even I thought he was gay when I first met him. Boy do I wish I hadn’t believed him when I asked him and we started dating! It turns out his friends knew; one of them said they didn’t even understand why he had a wife because he was gay. While I don’t think he had any intention of hurting me or consciously denying his sexual orientation at first, by the end he was knowingly lying to me. I look at his phone and he was talking to multiple men about hooking up; I didn’t have the stomach to read enough to know if he followed through or not. But I did, unfortunately, read enough to know he’d been talking to at least one of these men for quite some time as he asked H if we were still together. H was talking to these men about hooking up before the divorce was even a thing! He betrayed me. This was not looking for playmates for the two of us; he’d agreed sometime before that we could stop playing and told me he took us off of all the swinger sites, etc. that he’d previously been on. He even told me after the divorce that I’m the only person he wanted to be with. Fucking bullshit! All of the lies at the end I just don’t understand; they served no purpose. We were already getting divorced, why lie to me and tell me you want us to end up together and wait for each other and that you don’t want anyone but me when you’re fucking texting random men about having sex!? WHY!?

 

Losing H has honestly just shattered me. I don’t have two brain cells to rub together. I miss him so much; I LOVE HIM. I would have supported him had he been able to admit what was going on, I would have continued to love him and I would’ve been there for him. H didn’t have to lie to me or push me away or pull me closer. He could’ve been honest with me, I would’ve accepted him completely. I’m in so much pain and mostly I can’t even talk about it or vent because it’s so complicated and no one knows our marriage was not monogamous so explaining the signs and how I feel I should have known and basically why I am blaming myself just seems impossible and unrealistic. H did stop calling me his wife which I appreciated, but up until the very end he was still calling me his person, and that seemed fitting to me. H was no longer my person, but he was my husband for so long and we shared so much. I wanted us to both get healthier and happier; I wanted to be friends. I loved him. And he left such a mess for me to try and deal with and clean up and absolutely no rights because the divorce was already final. His family forbid me from going to his funeral. His obituary names me as one of the people he is survived by as his Ex-wife and gives my maiden name. Yes, technically I did take back my maiden name in the divorce, but name changes are a long process and I’m still using his last name primarily. It just hurt. I couldn’t have been his former spouse or just not listed at all as I’m technically no longer family? I really think they chose what would cut the deepest, and cut it does.

 

 

He’s gone. And I’m left behind, absolutely wrecked. I would NEVER want to hurt my family, my Mom as he has. Even so, I don’t want to live in this kind of pain either and I don’t feel like it’s getting better. How do I go on?

 

The family lived in Building no.2 in the Government Colony in Bandra (east). A suicide note was recovered from the house.

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One thought on “Never Enough

  1. You go on because, duty, I suppose. Duty to yourself. Duty to persevere. Because the world is an unforgiving, unsympathetic place. The world moves forward because those who see the worst of it, acknowledge its difficulties, yet shoulder a load far larger than they should have to because they discover they can. They’re stronger than they feel at any moment, and they discover through the grief and despair that – at their core – their true form of strengh is still being molded. Like an ancient sword, the unyielding fire heats the metal while the blows of an unrelenting force mold it into a weapon. A weapon to be used for good or evil, but mostly good.

    I don’t know what it’s like to experience this kind of loss; but the catastrophic losses I’ve seen or experienced have felt hopeless until that flicker of hope light has ignited a path out of the forest of hopelessness.

    It gets better. It hurts, and will always hurt. But it will hurt less over time. And as you heal and grow, you have immense opportunities to guide others who might not be as strong as you out of that despair through your support and wisdom.

    I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you continue to move forward. I believe you can.

    Like

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