It’s been maybe six months now since I called things off with O. We’d been hooking up fairly regularly and while I always enjoyed our rolls in the hay, there wasn’t domination occurring. In fairness I wasn’t asking him to, but having the chance to submit was the big draw in hooking up with him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still utterly crazy about him, but he is looking for a wife and I’m interested in serious relationships, not fuck buddies.
It’s tough to say ‘no’ when what I really want is to get as much of him as possible – as much as he’ll give me. Telling me he believes he missed out back when we met doesn’t change the fact that he’s never been offering what I want. Back then I wanted a boyfriend and he was quite clear that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. Now I want something serious in harmony with my marriage; again, he’s not up for that. He doesn’t want to interact with H at all. I want to say I understand, but to be honest I’m not sure I can. I accept that he’s wired differently than H and I are, but it’s a disappointment nonetheless.
I have been proud of myself for sticking to what I said and not hooking up with O anymore. I’ve been very tempted more than once, but nothing has happened. We’ve even hung out a couple of times without getting too carried away, which is so important for me. I’ve got all kinds of issues with barriers, I think that because my fear of abandonment is so all-consuming I fear that if I set a boundary and then actually have to follow through with enforcing it/standing up for myself I cave out of fear the person won’t want me anymore. This does nothing good for my self-esteem because I always feel unhappy that I gave in when I’d already decided what I truly wanted was something else.
I have recently begun attending Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is apparently very good at treating chronic PTSD. One of the concepts I’ve been working on is making decisions in ‘wise mind’, which is when one balances the analytical and emotional sides. I’m starting to learn to recognize when I’m making decisions not in wise mind, which is helpful. If I’m making decisions purely based on emotions, I try to slow myself down and delay the decision until I’m less upset. If I’m ignoring emotions, I again try to slow down and consider emotional impacts, etc. This is new to me so it isn’t easy, but so far I’ve felt much happier with my decisions made in wise mind.
For example, for a very long time I’ve felt H and I take too many risks with our sexual health. I’ve wanted to use condoms with other partners even though both of us prefer the fantasy of not using them and H dislikes using them himself. Even so, we would talk about it in advance and I’d be very clear I wanted to use condoms. Then we’d be playing with someone and someone would ask me and, feeling put on the spot, I’d agree to not use them. This made me feel bad about myself and caused more stress than I wanted from something I was meant to enjoy. This was one of the main contributing factors to my wanting to take a break from playing with others each time we’ve done so.
I now recognize that I was making a decision in wise mind, balancing the emotional with the rational, but then failing to stand up for myself when my established barrier was questioned. I can’t fairly blame others when I agreed, now can I? I’ll be the first to admit I have a long way to go before I will trust myself to set and stand by boundaries, but at least I now recognize the problem. So, going back to O. Neither of us was able to offer what the other was looking for, and while I had fun with him, I wasn’t getting the fulfillment I was looking for, nor was he.
O has been dating a woman for nearly a year now; for several months he was dating others as well, then they decided to be ‘exclusive’. O was still sleeping with his FWBs (myself included) behind his girlfriend’s back. She doesn’t want to have sex until after marriage and he isn’t used to having to go without. However, immediately after I told him I didn’t want to continue hooking up he said he decided to stop hooking up with other women and be faithful to his girlfriend. They recently exchanged the all-important ‘I love you’s, and yet he’s back to hooking up with one of his FWBs.
O and his girlfriend have a bit of a stormy relationship, and a month or so ago broke up for a few days. O immediately invited me over to help him release his pent-up energy, which I declined. Instead he invited over another FWB, and then immediately got back together with his girlfriend. I was so relieved I turned him down; I really care about O as a friend and I would have felt used if I’d hooked up with him during the very brief break-up. If I’m sleeping with someone I want them to want to be with me, I don’t want to be a dirty little secret. I wouldn’t mind being O’s FWB and hooking up once and a while if his girlfriend knew about it, but I’ve never liked playing with people who had to hide the fact from a partner (another boundary I’ve often agreed to violate). That’s not who I want to be.
So, long story short, he may look like this ———> (I mean, I can’t be the only one who looks at this guy and goes UGGGGGGGGGH!..right!?) and he may be amazing in bed; he may be a very caring, loving guy; he may genuinely want me… but under these circumstances, hooking up with him is not a recipe for my long-term happiness. My dumb ass will just fall even more in love with him just in time for him to marry someone I probably won’t approve of but will never admit to him out of respect for his choices and start having babies. No thank you.
Distance. Space. That’s what I need. Yes, I want him. But I want a heck of a lot more than a body. To be blunt I can get a guy to fuck me without any problem, so sex really isn’t what I want or need. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Tempted? Yes. However, thus far, I’ve remained resolute! Yay! Proud of myself, just have to keep up the good work haha. Wish me luck!