I found out what caused all of my health issues that seemed at the time to have come out of nowhere. Apparently a great deal of research shows there is an extremely high incidence rate of chronic migraines, autoimmune diseases and chronic pain such as fibromyalgia among sufferers of PTSD.
All this time I didn’t even know I had PTSD until a couple of years ago when I got triggered at a family event and nearly hit my father-in-law in the face when he tried to give me a hug. Apparently my years of training didn’t completely evaporate when I stopped studying martial arts. Afterward I tried so hard to find the right person to seek treatment from, and it took far too long for me to realize I wasn’t getting the help I needed, wasn’t getting any better.
Now I am finally getting treatment that seems to be moving me in the right direction, but trying to heal such old wounds, well, arduous feels like a massive understatement. I’m just so exhausted from trying so hard and so afraid of what my future may or may not look like. And I’m so lonely. I need to accept the fact that I have chronic PTSD, but I don’t want to. Everything in me rails against it, insists that he can’t truly have taken so much from me even after I long believed I’d escaped.
This isn’t easy. I’m not ashamed anymore, but I am angry. It’s not effective and I’m afraid to look too closely at my anger because there were so many contributing factors, so much blame I could spread around. But that’s not what I want for myself, I just want to heal. I’m working so hard toward being happier and healthier, and in fact I’ve already experienced some improvements. But there have also been setbacks and nights when things were so much worse…confronting my past is horrifying. I’m afraid I might not have the strength to preserver. I also don’t feel certain of who I would be if I succeed?
I hope I am able to endure and that victory over this battle is in my future. I’m committed, I can’t imagine ever again accepting everything I’ve lived with for so long now that I know both the cause and that help is out there. But I doubt myself. This is part of why I’m no longer choosing silence; I have already been silent far too long. This shame is not my own, and I can honestly use all the support I can get. You have been a powerful source of support for me, so I hope you don’t mind my finally admitting this truth outright.