Last weekend H invited a new guy over to play. I left picking the person completely up to H; I still don’t know the most basic things about him such as his name or age. I know he said he is bisexual and that he has a Prince Albert piercing. The guy showed up and we headed to the bedroom with drinks. It was a very hot day so our bedroom was the only place to escape the heat. We chatted as we drank, but nothing happened. I had even changed my outfit when H showed me a text from our guest about how he loves a girl in a skirt and thigh-high stockings with no panties; I obliged. Even this clad, he continued to talk and talk and not make a single move. He didn’t touch me, didn’t flirt. He was obviously nervous and he just kept on talking faster and faster. It couldn’t have been called a conversation by any stretch of the imagination. After over two hours of this, H discreetly let me know that he was bored. Honestly, so was I. It’s not fun for me (when it comes to men at least) to have to do all the work myself. I finally asked him, “So are you going to take my clothes off or what?” He laughed and finally touched me, although only briefly and hesitantly.
After several cautious touches and a couple of shy kisses, things finally got started. Luckily Mr. Shy Guy is in top shape and has nothing to be ashamed of size-wise, from any angle! I’d never been with a guy with any genital piercings, so between that and his sexuality I knew why H had picked him. Unfortunately he either is not nearly as adventurous as he claimed or he is just far shyer than he admitted to. It’s been quite a while since we had a M/F/M threesome, and I can’t truthfully say this qualified. To be fair, Mr. Shy Guy at least made me cum and squirt quite a bit. Eventually he was fucking me from behind while I sucked off H and, well, the floor next to the bed ended up having to be shampooed because I soaked it so thoroughly. Don’t get me wrong, it did feel good and I definitely came until my muscles were tired and then some. Before he came over, H showed me a picture he’s sent of his different piercings and I picked which I wanted him to wear. It looked about like this:
Mr. Shy Guy was about as long and thick as H, but his head wasn’t nearly as large. I think the PA was a perfect way to make up for this…while I couldn’t feel a big head stretching me open deep inside of me, I could definitely feel the piercing and it stimulated me a LOT! I know Mr. Shy Guy was interested in a second round, but the novelty had worn off and his lack of assertiveness had me ready to move on to H and my’s bonus round. We said goodbye and H said he would leave it totally up to me whether we play with him again or not, as last time it turned out so badly. While I appreciate this, I’m super undecided about inviting him back. Even without the nerves, I find it unlikely he will be aggressive enough to satisfy me. That could be fine if he showed interest in H as well, but he didn’t. At. ALL. I don’t know…I’m on the fence. I can however happily report that the situation on an old Grey’s Anatomy episode in which a man’s PA got caught on the women’s IUD did not occur; and unpleasant thought which was hovering in the back of my mind during much of the time we spend fucking!
I’ve been a masochist and thrill-seeker all my life, even before I became aware of these facts. Actually, it’s only as recently as this year that I’ve come to accept that I am an authentic adrenaline junky. Fast cars, pain, high-risk sex, martial arts, weapons, the list goes on and on. I’ve spent my life chasing sub-space in all the wrong places; places which didn’t involve submission, didn’t involve trust, didn’t involve any actual safety at all. One of the things I find interesting looking back at my sexual history is the complete disconnect between sex, trust and emotion. Before I met H I never trusted any of my lovers. With the notable exception of E, I always felt I could physically protect myself from a bed mate if needed (even in flagrante). I treated sex like a sport and I was in it to win it! Even more notable than my lack of trust, is my total lack of emotional connection which began with E, only my third lover. Each person I bedded was someone I felt virtually no emotions for; I fucked whoever caught my eye and if it was a one-night stand or an ongoing thing, I never gave any piece of myself that could be used against me. This was not a conscious choice, but rather a defense mechanism.
At my part-time job at a local pet store yesterday, the song Locked Away by R. City came on, and I asked my coworkers if they knew the story of the song? They didn’t, so I explained.
“It was inspired by true events,” Theron Thomas tells Radio.com. “Our dad was locked up for five years. And during the time he was gone, our mom held it down. She’d take us to see him. They’re still together to this day. They’ve been together for 36 years. So we thought that that was a great story to write a song about.”
Frankly, I’m incensed by this. I expressed as much to my coworkers, saying that if H got sent to jail I’d be gone. My manager responded with, “Sometimes people make mistakes.” to which I replied, “Yeah but a mistake that gets you sent to jail is not just any mistake. I mean unless my husband went to jail for speeding, then I’d forgive him.” My manager said, “You shouldn’t be driving fast enough to go to jail!” “He doesn’t; I do.” I explained. Thus far my land speed record is only 145 mph – I can’t wait to brake it! Unfortunately my Mercedes is computer limited to 130, so I’ve only made it to 132 mph in my current car. However, I don’t believe my motorcycle is computer limited. I’m still inexperienced enough to not yet be playing around with its top speed, but I’m sure I’ll get there sooner rather than later.
Even among the BDSM community, I drift toward the outer circles. I am fascinated by many types of edge play, my desires including exploring knife/blood play, breath play, orgasm delay/denial, chastity and so many others. The difference between the many other venues through which I seek an adrenaline rush and BDSM is the aftermath; when I submit, the satisfaction is deep and lasts far longer. These other methods leave me feeling wrung-out, empty, needy, unsatisfied. This hollow feeling pushes me to even further extremes, and it’s never enough. Then I got the chance to submit and, without even putting myself in harm’s way, without experiencing any significant amount of pain, I felt free!
This brings us to my conundrum: I think I want more from O than he can give me. Last I heard, while working on his divorce, he has a girlfriend. He did tell me not too long ago that, “What I do with you I do with no one else.” That was a good feeling, but I don’t know that he’s really okay with my lifestyle. He said once that he dominates me not because he enjoys causing me pain but because he enjoys giving me what he knows I need. Although perhaps a subtle difference, I can’t help feeling this detail is of vital importance. I trust O, I want to submit to him. Hell, I want him in my life every day, giving me an outlet whenever I need or want it. Unfortunately I don’t think that’s ever going to be a reality. As always, I genuinely like O and I trust him implicitly. However, is this really a good idea if it is not sustainable? He is not comfortable having H around when we are together – not even in an observational role only. O has invited me to his place, but somehow going there doesn’t feel respectful. As I’ve told him before, I do not want my desires to ever get in the way of his happiness. But is he really okay with the number of casual play partners I have at any given time? Is he even aware of this? Perhaps I am a coward for not simply asking him; for not even telling him explicitly about the other people I am or have recently been sleeping with. He hasn’t asked, but I can’t help but think that’s only because he’s pretty sure he knows the answer and he wants to ignore the facts as long as possible.
O told me that one of the issues between him and his wife was that she does not want kids and he does. In spite of the fact that I am polyamorous, I doubt my future holds a boyfriend/lover with whom I could have a child. H doesn’t want children, and long before we married I resigned myself to being okay with that. In many ways I prefer it – no need to feel fear of such enormous responsibility knowing that H and I will most likely never have children. However, I would like other long-term, committed relationships in my life. Not committed in the sense of exclusive necessarily, but committed in the sense that we are together, stable, and very little could change that fact. I would share my life with O in a heartbeat, and likely be beyond thrilled to have children together if everyone else was okay with that scenario. I seriously doubt either H or O would be on board with that plan though. Which brings me back to my question, what are O and I doing? Is this a bad idea? Can something that feels so right, something I want and need so badly, only be setting us up for pain in the long term?
I can admit that I’m afraid of losing O, both as a friend and as a bed mate. I truly care about him and enjoy both spending time together and even just chatting casually via text. I don’t mind sharing him, as I am happy for the things that make him happy. Unfortunately, I am also who I am and I am not prepared to change that, even for a relationship which is so beneficial to me. I’ve been addicted to O since the first time I laid eyes on him, and I’ve never felt like I’ve had enough of him. Is it wrong that even feeling thusly I still won’t give up my search for other partners, both emotionally and sexually? Does he know this? Does it matter to him? Am I lying to him, myself or both of us? At this point it’s been three or four weeks since the last time we saw one another. We’ve been talking less and less; there seems to be a tension between us that’s probably my fault. I feel so lost and out of my depth here, and I’m afraid of losing something precious to me.
There are so many things I’m willing to risk in order to get my kicks, including in many cases my very life. But O is important to me on an entirely deeper level, and I’m truly unsure how to proceed. The longer I wait to make a move, the worse the itch grows and the more likely I am to seek him out without making sure we are on the same page. Where can I find the strength to be open and honest at the risk of losing O? How I wish I could ask for help from my mentor, Mr. Casual Friday. Yeah right! Can you say sexual harassment in the workplace? I can! FML. I guess I will just have to figure this one out on my own…