O came over again last weekend; I got a day and a half of serenity out of it. I’ve admitted to being high-strung before, but I’ve never truly accepted this about myself. I don’t know if I can; I don’t know if I want to. My mind is always racing; all the breathing and meditation exercises in the world aren’t enough to give me more than the briefest respite. But pain, ah, there is something I can rely on. I’d forgotten for many years, but my tendency to rely on physical pain manifested early.
When I was very young, still learning to speak, I had to go to day care while my mother worked during the day. I would get very upset and home-sick, so I started biting myself. I don’t remember much, just the overwhelming emotions and the relief I experienced from the pain. And the way my arm looked, completely covered from wrist to shoulder in angry red bite marks. At some point my mother found out, asked me why, and I told her I missed her. She had a stuffed bear holding a heart, attached with a pin. It’s funny to remember now that she never wore perfume. She unpinned the heart from her bear and gave it to me to wear to day care, telling me she would spray it with her perfume so that it smelled like her. She asked me not to hurt myself anymore, so I stopped. I still threw temper tantrums and caused more than my share of trouble, but I didn’t hurt myself again for many years.
The first time I cut myself I didn’t understand why I was doing it; how interesting now to see the patterns which emerge over time. It was longer still before I let go of the all-consuming self-hatred which was my constant companion for so long. Not to imply that accepting my masochism was easy, it was simply the only possibility left. Apparently I’m not capable of repressing who I am, even if at the core that isn’t who I wanted to be.
I’m so grateful O came back. I have never achieved so much calm and quiet for such a length of time without taking extremely destructive measures. Even then, it’s wasn’t so much calm or quite that I achieved; the best I ever got was numb. Numb is definitely the last thing I feel with O. He told me he wants me to feel safe with him…still trying to identify the feelings that awoke. I don’t think he could doubt my trust after his last visit; perhaps he was just reminding me? Not really sure but in spite of the fact that he already had my trust, him saying that still had an effect.
There are no two ways about it; I let go. Thankfully my head was turned away from the mirror because I am under no illusion that it was at all pretty! No denying I needed that though. It hurt and while I didn’t exactly fight last time, I was far from relaxed or physically accepting. I really tried to stay relaxed but I couldn’t help my muscles reflexively tightening throughout the first time. This time it was so much easier; I just let go. Right away. It wasn’t even difficult. I relaxed even as I moaned and cried and sniffled and coughed and screamed and drooled all over the bed around my gag. Yeah, I was a total mess. Crying out and not holding back; I’ve never had such a strong emotional release in my life.
I knew I could stop it at any point, but I didn’t ever want it to end. Even as I was quickly approaching my limits I wanted more. O took care of me, giving me breaks, easing up, slowing down, always touching me. He knew I couldn’t take much more even as I remained unwilling to signal him that I’d had enough. Still, I was close. For a while I kept thinking the next strike might very well be the last I could take. But he knew and brought down the intensity so I could go a bit longer. Even so, I was nearing the end of my endurance one way or another. He knew, brought my discipline to a close. O untied me and removed my gag, then lay down beside me and let me recover. It took a while before I could bring myself to look him in the eyes, but once I did everything was so much easier. It was okay that I let go, he was still there and ready to reward me. I let go and the world didn’t fall to pieces.
Once I looked O in the eyes and was sure everything was still okay, my mind went infinitely calm. Perhaps a handful of times in my life I’ve glimpsed such serenity and clarity, such peace within myself, but I’ve never before experienced it for any length of time. For the rest of that day and the entirety of the following day I was calm, relaxed, mentally at peace. My mind was all still waters and nothing had the power to cause waves. I’ve known for the last couple of years I could not separate myself from my submissive nature, but I did not know first hand how rewarding finally embracing it would be. I knew I needed to give up control, but I had no idea how or to whom. Now I have, I can.
When O and I first met six or so years ago I was convinced he was going to break my heart. That was even the song I set as my text tone when I received messages from him (Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz). I knew he wasn’t the guy who’d bring me flowers or make me promises, but I genuinely enjoyed being around him. I stopped seeing him only when I met H, but over the years we both kept in touch. I was so narrow-minded back then; O didn’t fit into any of the molds I was familiar with, “boyfriend” or “fuck-buddy” (because I was never at all emotionally attached to these) or even “friend”. I didn’t know what to make of him, but I was attached. The only conclusion I could draw was that I was doomed to be hurt in the end. Luckily for me, as it turned out, O has only hurt me in the ways I need, the ways I crave.
I once asked if submitting to someone other than one’s spouse or partner takes something away from that relationship. It’s interesting to examine the trust I have both with O and H. In some ways I trust each more than the other – very strange. H brought up once again that he asked me to teach him to dominate me, and I haven’t. I don’t know that I can. Certainly I could teach him to cause me pain, but I don’t know that I can teach him anything that would allow me to actually submit to him. More than just allow him to cause me pain – actually create within him the strength to be capable of dominating me. I’d fight him, and I don’t think he’d win. I’m not proud of that fact, but I know it instinctually. H has always wanted an equal partner in marriage, and I’ve worked hard towards that. There is no way I can simply set aside the equality we’ve worked so hard for, that we are still fighting for. It doesn’t help that I truly believe he is only seeking this to please me, which is not enough. How can I submit to someone who does not desire dominance as I desire submission? I don’t think I can.
As is the case for most mere mortals, I do not know what my future holds. However, I am committed to caring for myself as I have never been before. I will no longer exert my energies trying to carve out basic aspects of my being; I must accept who and what I am and seek the balance I have never before found in my life. This path is easier and far more rewarding than trying to force myself into being someone else – an endeavor which was never going to succeed anyway. Besides, at this point I have somewhat overwhelming evidence that I am valued just for being me. My perfectly still waters may slowly be becoming more turbulent again, but now I know that serenity is possible, even for me. I had a dream a couple of nights ago, of O dominating me day in and day out, day after day, week after week. I was at peace with myself, I had an outlet for the emotions I’ve struggled to contain my entire life. When I started this blog I felt so much guilt and shame because of my submissive nature, now I’ve come to accept and even embrace it. Whatever my future may be, I am confident it will be better than my past.